Since nothing really happened last week, or the week before that, or really ever on this show, there is no Previously Ons. Instead, we get snippets of what's happening in this episode. Slohan explaining just how tough it is to make it in the music biz, a bunch of random interns the Maloof brothers put in charge of their empire running around giving advice like "believe in yourself" and "joo can do it!" and then finally the shot of Slow with giant headphones on her ears wailing "I'm tiiiiiiired!!!" I'm hooked. You?

We start this week with Dina McVana Lohan walking through the house telling no one in particular "hon, you wanna get that bag?" Slohan is starting to feel nervous about the recording trip to Vegas, and her little lesbian brother Cody Foster gives her some pretty good advice.

Hide.

Leaving is chaos. The dogs are barking, Cody won't take the blanket off his head, and the biggest drama of all: while shading her nose to look pencil thin (good luck with that hon), Slohan falls down in the bathroom! Instead of helping her kid, Dina paces by, rolls her eyes, and shouts to that same no one in particular "SHE FELL! This is not. Happening." Then she leaves. LOL. I think we can all agree by now that Dina McVana Lohan is a pretty shitty person, but I gotta tell ya, the bitch is growing on me. The bags are packed, the dogs are drugged. Let's go! Slo hobbles down the stairs while her mom sighs and gets herself ready for the challenge ahead. "Here we go," she says, as if even she's having trouble making sense of all this in her head, "Next kid."

In a flash, all their troubles are behind them and the girls are in Vegas. Dina is back enjoying her favorite hobby (curling up in a limo her kid paid for) and Slo is acting the part of the singer. Singing well? No. Drinking out of a water bottle. Suck on a Riccola and you'll be right up there with Celine, kid. The family checks into a penthouse suite at the Palms and look! It's Assistant Alexis! And she's not wearing her usual argyle sweater! Atta girl! I think she was talked into coming back on the show when she was bought a new dress and given McVana's old extensions.

A raise would have been nice, but 10 year old clips of Lindsays hair sewn to my head works too.

Before the screeching can begin, the Maloofs invite the Lohans to a big fancy Vegas party to honor Slo. They meet Slo's producer, who you know is a giant cheeseball because A. He wrote a song that landed low enough in the barrel for Dina to scrape it up and B. His name is Emmanuel but he goes by Eman. Good Lord. I am sure I could get all the way to Z, but this is a TVgasm recap, not a Wikipedia page.

Big Maloof intoduces Ali as "the next big pop star" as Assistant Alexis eyes his butt. Also notice in the following pic that Jeremy is doing his best not to have a cross eyed spazm. I would be nervous too. They are surrounded by huge huge huge stars.

Is that Kid Crock in the background?

Big Maloof asks Slo what kind of music she wants to make, because it might be good to know that tomorrow when they start recording. She says she likes "rhythmic kind of music." No one seems to know what that is, so she elaborates. She wants to sing hip hop and music that she and her friends (I assume she means the puppy) can dance to. He suggests that she start writing her own songs, since "that's where the money is in the future." She has a lot of life experience, so there's a huge creative well to draw from. "My Mom Forced Me to Make an Ass of Myself in an All Black Theater" or "I Tricked My Mom Into Letting Me Have a Puppy" have nice rings to them, but she should definitely start with "My Nose."

« Baby Borrowers: Revenge of the Parents | | A Shot At Love II With Tila Tequila: The Reunion: The AVN Awards Were Classier Than This »

Posted in Living Lohan by Flipit at 6:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (9)
Last Comment: love recaps on Jul 3, 2008 02:05 PM.