It wouldn't be a Lohan party without paparazzi, so Dina calls her pals at Access Hollywood to send a newbie over. The reporter starts interviewing Kid Crock, but McVana slaps her in the back of the head and threatens her life if she doesn't march her twiggy ass over to Slohan and get cracking. Poor Kid Crock. He just can't get ahead. In her interview, Slo says that she knows the tabloids are always saying Dina forces her kids into whore's lives, but it's really the kids forcing her. Her mom is just helping her follow her dream! Aw. She's so cute. I used to have a dream of roller skating down mountaintops. If my mom had helped me with that I would have thought she was the best mother ever. Even when I was in a body cast.
Fascinating. Are we done? Crock's leaving.
Later that night, Slo sits on the balcony with Assistant Alexis for some real motherly affection. Alexis asks her how she's feeling and Slo answers that it's weird with all these people around paying attention to her, but she's getting used to it. Advice: don't. Before bed, Dina brings Ali a gift. It's a necklace with a winged heart. She was gonna give it to Lindsay, but the little slut has stopped returning her calls, so like the discarded music career, it goes to Slo. McVana says that if anything freaks Ali out to just call mommy and she will send Alexis over to fix it. Awwww! I didn't know this episode was going to be so heartwarming.
First thing in the morning, McVana has a meeting with the hardasses of the Maloof empire. Zoe and some other guy. They aren't gonna kiss ass or pat heads. They are here to make sure that Ali gets her shit together and the Maloofs money isn't wasted. I will call them the Goons. They sit Dina down and tell her that Slohan needs to focus and get her tracks in on time. In other words, keep your crap to yourself, lady. McVana's face says that she doesn't like being lectured.
Have you seen The Parent Trap, douchebags? All me.
This is the lady goon. She doesn't say much. She looks scared shitless of McVana, and I don't blame her. I can't wait to see Lady Goon lose it. Her eyes might pop right out of her little head, and that's television.
You're so pretty. Are you Lindsay's sister or her mom? I mean really!
Guy Goon finishes his lecture and McVana lets a second of silence pass to make sure he's done. Her turn! She says that Ali is only 14, which means she's a baby and they can't force her to bullshit a recording career just to pay the mortgage on the Long Island house work twenty four hours a day. They need to give the girl "room to create". LOL. That I gotta see. Guy Goon gives her a look that says "Did you hear one fucking thing I just said, lady?" Don't worry, Guy Goon. You'll get used to it.
Fuck with me and I'll kill the puppy, lady.
After a pep talk from mommy ("fuck this up and I'll kill the puppy, Ali"), Slo goes into the studio to practice her first song with the pianist. It's half on key, which means she's been practicing. Go, Ali! Eman doesn't even let her finish. He's heard enough. Everyone in the room starts clapping and telling her how awesome it sounds while Eman looks for a Folgers can for the poor kid to sing into. McVana claps and smiles tightly, looking like she's trying to figure out how to make the advance check from the Maloofs last until she can get Lindsay on the phone.
She's either channeling Carol Channing or she's scared shitless. You decide.
McVana tells us that she is going to put her trust in the producer and leave the room. This way, she can blame someone else when Slo tanks and she can play some roulette with the advance check. Who knows? Maybe she'll make enough to patch the wall that the huge fire ravaged. The first song aptly keeps repeating the phrase "falling down", which just kills me. Ali is visibly nervous, and her wails are painful even to me and I only have to listen to little slivers. Eman must be planning his own suicide right about now. After each take, Ali rolls her eyes and jumps up and down. "That was so beeeead!" Eman finally tells her to have some self confidence. I hope she listens. It's hard to kick someone when they're down. I'll do it, but I don't like myself for it.
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Comments (9)
The only way Slohan will get ANYBODY to listen to her music for laughs and play it to the horror of the listening public everywhere is to marry Britney Spears and put a K in front of her name.
1 of 9 | Posted by Fayellis1 | Posted on July 1, 2008 8:51 AM
Wow, Flip, seems like you're starting to like this . . . ; )
Gotta say, that little snippet at the end there, hmmm, well, I think you forgot, or they forgot to add Auto-Tune to the mix, funny how so few words can have so many pitch bends and volume warbles . . . so that means, LOVE IT!!!
Have you ever seen Lins's "Daughter to Father" video . . . very, very, very overdramatic . . . but you gotta love the weepy close up at the end . . . CLASSIC!!!
Well HEART-KISSSES and FLOWERS to ya! I've been meaning to ask too, are you watching "She's Got the Look" -now that's my kind of trash TV!!!!
2 of 9 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on July 1, 2008 2:26 PM
I am a first-time poster, even though I've been a faithful Lost recap reader for years, and I just have to say BRAVO to Flipit! Thank you for taking one for the team, so we don't have to watch this godawful show. I wouldn't watch it to save my life, but your recaps are so absolutely hilarious that I can't wait to read the next one. It's very hard to muffle explosions of laughter behind cubicle walls, however. What other shows do you recap? I have to read them! Thanks for all the laughs!
3 of 9 | Posted by Wild Heart | Posted on July 1, 2008 2:57 PM
KSlo? i like it!
juddsy, i don't watch she's got the look, i just read yenta's hilary recaps of it. if only the golden girls were still around...bea would've been stellar on that one.
and welcome wild! thanks for the props! next for me are big bro and project runway! HOLLA! you guys make life worth living. xo
4 of 9 | Posted by flipit | Posted on July 1, 2008 9:04 PM
LOLLLLL at all the screen shot captions! Flipit you crack me up...and I'm right there with you Wild Heart, it is SO hard to muffle laughter when you sit inches away from another human being! My co-workers probably think I'm crazy! Yippee!!!!
And flipit, I can't wait for the BB & PR recaps - I love those shows and they're just around the corner!
5 of 9 | Posted by smolls | Posted on July 2, 2008 10:54 AM
I would love for FLIPIT to follow me around for one day and recap my life. But I guess trying to find a funny way of say she had red bull for breakfast and spent the entire first half of her workday reading recaps on TVgasm would be an almost impossible mission. But going home and watching me do the Firm workouts and following "Sue Mei" the one who helps the people who can't use weights, that would be good for a few chuckles. Hell, I just recapped my own day. Never mind.
6 of 9 | Posted by Fayellis1 | Posted on July 2, 2008 12:02 PM
No arguments from me on alot of this (although I dont know what possess' you people to sit and tear people apart for an activity...really nothing better to do? Really?
I know Susan (the vocal coach) - she is an extremely talented vocalist and musician who is working as best as she can with a pretty difficult group. Your suggestion that she is a con artist was upsetting enough to get me to write in this ridiculous forum...please...begging you people to please find a hobby that gets you out of the house for awhile?
7 of 9 | Posted by BuddyLevinsky | Posted on July 3, 2008 10:11 AM
Dear BuddyLevinsky:
Perhaps you are confused - this site is for fun and it's all in jest. No one means any harm by any of this. It's just a way to have some fun with the shows so many of us watch. I'm sure "Susan" is a fine vocal coach & musician.
It's funny you're telling us all to go outside (how do you know we're not outside already...?) and to get a new hobby, when it appears you spend an ample amount of time online too - so maybe it's you who needs to find a new hobby to keep yourself away from this "ridiculous" forum...really!
Sincerely,
smolls
8 of 9 | Posted by smolls | Posted on July 3, 2008 12:10 PM
My first post! This recap had me crackin up and I've never even watched this show.
Dear BuddyLevinsky, it's a website for fun! Also, I believe when you agree to do a reality show you open up the floor for viewers to form their own opinions.
9 of 9 | Posted by love recaps | Posted on July 3, 2008 2:05 PM