The week on Lost, Widmore tells some dead baby jokes, Locke follows his newly attained internal GPS, Desmond goes SMASH, and Ben goes for a visit in the Temple of Doom.
So first this dude rides in on a horse (The hippies are coming! The hippies are coming!) and we're all wondering who this rapscallion is, with his earth-tone clothes and rakish neckerchief!
And Richard is like, "Charles is that you?? You've aged HORRIBLY!"
"Thank you, Ageless Wonder. Why don't you go comb your eyelashes while I do the men's work, hm?"
So Widmore goes into the tent that Baby Benry is ~*healing*~ in after drinking his memory-erasing Roofie Colada. We don't know the details, but we do know that something Dementorish sucked out his soul or...something.
"Don't make me go back there! They make us eat bean sprouts and do trust falls and heal our chakras with crystals, please NOOOO!"
"Unfortunately you're going to have to be a double agent, kid. You'll have to be a hippie by day and a Hostile by night. You'll walk among them, but you won't be one of them. But don't worry, we've got lots of neckerchiefs and smug comebacks to go around. You'll fit right in. Richard will provide you with your Latin 101 book before you go. Ego vobis valedico."
***
Meanwhile in 2007, Ben wakes up to Locke's smiling face! He was kind of shocked that Locke was all smiley and well-dressed and UNDEAD and all.
"WTF ZOMBIE!?"
"Good morning, sleepyhead! Up and at 'em! We've got lots to do today!"
Ben's Brain: How are you...what in the...how did this...why aren't you...I thought I...ALIVE?? HE IS ALIVE?? WTF!? NO SERIOUSLY W.T.F. OMG. OMGOMGOMG. HE'S GOING TO KILL ME. OMG. MOMMY. SAVE ME.
Ben's Mouth: Well hello, John. Fancy meeting you here. I'd love to stay, but I must jet. It's Business Time. Gotta meet my maker. Smokey waits for no man.
"I'm sorry, what? I didn't quite catch that. I don't speak Murderous Traitor."
***
So Ben and Locke go out to the beach and Ben immediately starts doing this Master of Manipulation thang.
Caesar: Hello my friend, how are you feeling?
Ben: Oh I'm fine, I'm fine. Nothing a little Island magic won't fix. Say, it's good to see you're wearing purple.
Caesar: How do you mean?
Ben: Well I'm a nice guy and I'M wearing purple and YOU'RE a nice guy and YOU'RE wearing purple. But see that guy over there?
Caesar: The one who said you killed him?
Ben: Yeah that guy. I didn't see him on the plane. And I doubt he was "wearing purple" before he got here, if you catch my drift. I think he's got the Crazies. The Heebie Jeebies. Insane in the Membrane. KnowwhatImean?
Caesar: So you're saying he's mentally ill and/or dangerous??
Ben: Nudge nudge, wink wink, say no more!
So Caesar's all, "I'd better go tell that chick with all the guns and mysterious metal container about this."
***
So it's around 1989 and Ben is Hangin' Tough with his amazingly bad New Kids on the Block/Hitler hair! He's chilling out with Ethan "Children of the Corn" Rom, who at only 12 years old is already all like, "LET ME KILL THE LADY, BEN! I WANT TO TASTE THE BLOOD OF THE WICKED!"
But Ben's like "NO NO IT'S MY TURN, WEINERHEAD!" and he goes into the tent to kill Danielle but then you hear a baby crying!! And Danielle starts freaking out and screaming something about being infected, so Ben does what any evil mastermind would do and steals her baby!!
I mean CHRIST no wonder Danielle was such a nutball, she had to kill all her friends, and then give birth to this kid BY HERSELF in the jungle and then some dude with a rakish scarf and absolutely horrendous hair takes her her kid? RIGHT OUTTA HER HANDS??
Straw, meet the camel's back.
And as a last warning Ben is like, "Whenever you hear whispers, you run the other way!" but by then Danielle was running around her tent in circles screaming, her arms flailing over her head like a freaking Muppet. So she didn't catch that last part!!
***
Ben is rummaging through his old desk to find the photo where him and Alex are both not looking at the camera for the coconut internet's Facebook page...
When Locke is like, "I think we need to discuss...the elephant in the room."
"Ugh, seriously? For the last time, I'm a HETEROSEXUAL. Who just happens to enjoy lavender shirts, adopting babies from foreign countries, and jaunty fedoras! Is that a crime??"
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Comments (6)
LMAO @ "Hitler hair"
1 of 6 | Posted by rubinia | Posted on April 13, 2009 11:03 AM
yeah dead is dead - it hard to come back from that
2 of 6 | Posted by indychick | Posted on April 13, 2009 11:14 AM
"I didn't sell out son, I bought in."
SLC Punk reference?! Awesome.
3 of 6 | Posted by smash | Posted on April 13, 2009 12:16 PM
"Ctrl+Alt+Noose"
So funny I almost spit out my lunch. I'll have to remember that shortcut!
4 of 6 | Posted by jesusloveswinners | Posted on April 13, 2009 1:33 PM
A) And somewhere in 1977, Jack's like "OMG! OMG! COLD! COLD!!" -- LOL
B) Flashback Ben = major fail. That wig was almost as bad as Jack's flashforward beard.
C) Ben needs to win a freaking Emmy, and you deserve one, too! I heart you both, even though you are both a little twisted. haha
5 of 6 | Posted by here4beer | Posted on April 13, 2009 7:44 PM
Man, Charles really went through an ugly stage, didn't he? He started out hot, and he has ended up pretty hot for an old guy, but he sure was ugly when he was middle aged.
Nothing like Ben, though. That is one ugly 25-year-old. I wonder why they used the same actor to play Ben at almost all ages? Did they think we'd be too dumb to know it was Ben? Just slap a pair of wire-rims on him and get with the weird, stare-y eyes, and we'd figure it out.
Great work, as usual, Ack.
6 of 6 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on April 14, 2009 12:24 AM