In the final installment of Lost this season, we find out what's in the box, who's in the foot, and what's in the hole.
Previously on Lost... (Click link to get to the first part of the finale's recap!)
Locke: That is the biggest foot I have ever seen!
Richard: Can you just imagine how big that guy's pe...
Locke: Can you get your mind out of the gutter for like 3 seconds, Richard?
Richard: ...peroneus longus. How big his peroneus longus is. It's a leg muscle. Who's the dirty bird now, John?
"Now come on, I see Jacob waving at us from that huge bunion."
***
And then Sawyer demanded 5 minutes of Jack's time, and Jack was like, "Yeah sure!!" He apparently forgot that just like 3 seconds ago Sayid was BLEEDING TO DEATH IN THE BACK OF THE DHARMA VAN.
What an awesome doctor!
***
Speaking of which...so you guys remember that time that Jack told Kate this story about how he slipped during his first surgery and this teenage girl was going to be paralyzed because of his mistake, and that he was all brave and shit and counted to five and all the fear left him and he stitched her up and he was a big fucking hero?
WELL HE FAILED TO MENTION THAT HIS DADDY HAD TO DO ALL THAT FOR HIM. HAHAHAHA OH, JACK.
And then in true Shephard fashion, father and son shared a moment of unadulterated hatred, followed by some misty eyes and Jack faces!
And then Jack took some candy from a stranger, which he would have known to not do if he would have had a better father. It's a vicious cycle.
***
So Sawyer's got his five minutes with Jack to try and convince him to not set off the bomb.
"You know my mother got conned out of a heap of money, and my dad wasn't too pleased with that, so he shot her to death and then blew his head off. In front of me. When I was 6."
"Well...my dad made me become a surgeon and then got pissed at me when I botched a surgery. Psh. And plus? I found out my wife was cheating on me!!! The same night I cheated on her!!! Can you believe that shit?? AND I asked Hurley for waffles this morning, but he made me pancakes instead!! My life sucks!!"
"I'm very sorry for...your pancakes. But look, my point is that my parents technically died last year, so I could have gone and stopped it all from happening! But exactly like my uncle told me 32 minutes ago, what's done is done. What the hell do you even want to go back for??"
"Well Sawyer, I knew a girl once. A pretty girl, who was full of life. She was warm, and caring, and she had kind of a shady past, but she was over all that, you know? We had taco night, and we made out in the shower, and she had these adorable little freckles...no one you know, of course."
"You talkin' about Kate?"
"...she was so special, you know? But then she wasn't so cool anymore, and I wasn't allowed to have a Scotch or 12 after work, and I wasn't allowed to pop a Vicodin once in a while, and all the sudden this girl just was a total BITCH, so first I proposed and that didn't pan out, so I dropped her ass like it was hot."
"Her ass IS hot, Jackass, you're talking about Kate! And you're going to TURN BACK TIME??? Just to get her to LIKE YOU AGAIN??? WHAT THE...Jack, I hate to break this to you, but you're going to be an asshole no matter WHEN you are."
And that's when, after 5 years of ALMOST kicking each other's asses, Jack and Sawyer TOTALLY KICKED EACH OTHER'S ASSES!!!!!! d'sl;fkg;ssdflkgk's;ldfk
To properly enjoy this fight scene, CLICK HERE before you begin reading!
*puts on old timey announcer voice*
AAAAND IT'S SLUGGER SAWYER WITH THE FIRST PUNCH AND JACKY BOY GOES DOWN FASTER THAN A BAI LING THAI HOOKER!
AND JUDAY, JUDAY, JUDAY! THE GOOD DOCTOR COMES BACK WITH A LEFT HOOK, AND THEN A RIGHT! IT SURE LOOKS LIKE HE'S GOING TO HAVE TO MAKE A HOUSE CALL!
BUT WAIT! THERE'S NO NEED TO MAKE A CALL TO THIS BRICK SHITHOUSE!! HE KICKS JACK IN THE MANGINA, SENDING THE GOOD DOCTOR REELING AND THANKING HIS LUCKY STARS THAT THERE IS A VACANT HOLE WHERE HIS BALLS USED TO BE!
ALWAYS ONE TO KICK A MAN WHEN HE'S DOWN, SAWYER REALLY STICKS IT TO 'EM!!
JACK "RIGHT NOW MY FACE LOOKS LIKE AFTERBIRTH" SHEPHARD STAGGERS AND THEN FALLS, SAWYER'S IMMINENT VICTORY ONLY MOMENTS AWAY!
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Comments (17)
Bravo, Ack, with much LOL as I read this!
I will miss "Lost" AND these recaps. Hope you are coming back for the final season.
1 of 17 | Posted by etakton | Posted on May 26, 2009 10:09 PM
Another great recap...and the timing is perfect as I was just beginning to have serious withdrawl.
Hey guys, remember at the beginning when some people weren't sure about Ack's picture heavy/analysis light style?
Hope to see you next season as well.
2 of 17 | Posted by Tadow | Posted on May 27, 2009 4:03 AM
Thank you guys!
@Tadow: I am so SO glad I grew on [most] of you, when I first saw the reactions back in the beginning of the season I was a little afraid haha. I'm glad I could bring the lulz this year :D
3 of 17 | Posted by ack_attack | Posted on May 27, 2009 5:50 AM
i feel lost and love. merci beaucoup.
4 of 17 | Posted by mila superstar | Posted on May 27, 2009 7:05 AM
Great recap! Much love, especially for fluffy Bunrys and Jear's always cocking things up in the finale.
And thanks for showing Charlie. Painful slow-mo death scenes suck.
5 of 17 | Posted by jennaboa | Posted on May 27, 2009 7:47 AM
I didn't care for the new format at first, :( but quickly came to love it. Ack, your insights and wit won me over.:) I even go back and re-read recaps occasionally, which will help me not to make the Juliet "face that we'd all be making in about 20 seconds when we'd have to click the "OFF" button on our TV sets and live without Lost for another 8 months..."
6 of 17 | Posted by etakton | Posted on May 27, 2009 7:59 AM
sooooo many LOLs i don't know where to begin! love love love. you have my fav recapping style.
here's me being ignorant again, but whats up with the jears/jaters thing? weird jack pronunciation?
7 of 17 | Posted by ennairam6 | Posted on May 27, 2009 9:06 AM
This has got to be the best recap you've done! Out loud funny from the beginning to the end. I will miss this for the next 8 months.
I must say, the best part of this episode was when Jack got hit with the toolbox! That is so awesome!
8 of 17 | Posted by sarmie618 | Posted on May 27, 2009 9:14 AM
@ennairam6:
Jate = Jack + Kate. So people who want Jack and Kate together are Jaters.
Jears = Jack + his tears. Haha it's a word I made up a while back, and it's for those of us that would rather see Jack crying than with ANY woman.
9 of 17 | Posted by ack_attack | Posted on May 27, 2009 9:19 AM
"Don't tell me what I cant rue."
Awesome recap, Ack.
10 of 17 | Posted by Clair | Posted on May 27, 2009 9:50 AM
Hey guys, remember at the beginning when some people weren't sure about Ack's picture heavy/analysis light style?
----
Haha. I was one of those people. The new format was a bit.. new to me but Ack was so incredibly funny. She had me laughing hard and people around me started to think I was nuts. I will miss your recaps, Ack.:( 8 months! You better be coming back for the finale season.
Ben: HHHHHWHAT ABOUT ME????
Jacob: hhhWhat about you?
*LOLs*
11 of 17 | Posted by kissmymanolos | Posted on May 27, 2009 9:59 AM
These two recaps have got to be your best ever! I laughed the whole way through!!! Great job!!!!!!
Can't wait for next season!
12 of 17 | Posted by akgirl7 | Posted on May 27, 2009 11:56 AM
Omg, to be that bomb and have juliet bang me like that....oh dear...
great recaps...great season...and I still don't know WTF is going on...
13 of 17 | Posted by pappy44 | Posted on May 27, 2009 1:08 PM
Dang, Ack! You are master class, no doubt about it. I love love love how you reveal this show's brilliance and inanity all wrapped up in a pretty bow of snark. I don't know where to begin, but this was one of my louder giggles:
"So despite the fact that his guts are seeping through his wifebeater, Sayid has managed to rig the plutonium core of an H-bomb to explode on impact using nothing but some duct tape, a broom handle, a sunflower seed, and a VHS copy of Mannequin II: On the Move."
Nothing is too much to handle for our sexy friend who loves torcha!
I'm not sure what I'm going to miss most: the show, or your recaps. Thank you so much for all of the laughs these last two seasons (here and at MSR) and I cannot wait until the next!
14 of 17 | Posted by zbird | Posted on May 27, 2009 5:46 PM
I haven't commented in a few weeks, cuz there are only so many ways to say OMG YOU ARE SO FREAKING AWESOME without being tiresome. The best part about these recaps is that they aren't just hysterical, they are super informative. You must use at least 80% of your brain reserves just on remembering the Lost previouslies... haha.
Now we have to wait until 2010!!!!! GAH! I don't think I'll make it!
See everyone next year :(
15 of 17 | Posted by here4beer | Posted on May 28, 2009 4:51 AM
Thank you all so much!
And here4beer, I've seen all these episodes SO many times, and talked about them SO much, that it really has become part of my brain haha. I'm like the Walking Lostpedia.
16 of 17 | Posted by ack_attack | Posted on May 28, 2009 6:33 AM
Your recaps are seriously hilarious. Plus I applaud your ability to work a Wayne's World reference into every one of them!
17 of 17 | Posted by smash | Posted on June 2, 2009 12:06 PM