This week on Lost, Benry goes pyro, Sawyer attempts to be diplomatic, Sayid does what he does best, and Horace takes it to the next level.
Previously on Lost...
Mr. Eko was all like, "I helped my brother once, and it turned me into a Drug Lord/gangster/all around bad guy!"
And Charlie was all like, "I gave in to my brother once, and it turned me into a raging drug addict!"
***
And then Sayid was like, "I helped my brother once, and it turned me into a murdering TORCHURRA!!!!!"
And we were all like, "I get that your father was a 'hard man' but isn't Baby Sayid a little young to be killing things choking the chicken??"
***
So back in '77, Baby Ben shows up with a chicken salad sandwich, his crazy eyes, and an agenda.
"Did Dick Alpert send you? You know, your leader? Kind of looks like Huck Finn if he used a little guyliner to...accentuate his features?"
"..."
"Well, listen. If you can hold out a while I'll spring you outta here. Just be patient, see?"
"I'll play your game, you rogue."
And even though Little Ben is super cute, he still gets that POOT POOT BRRRUUUMMMP music right before the commercial break, so we know that he's stil eveel. At least a little.
***
So we're back in the USSR, and Sayid has reunited with his luger and his flat iron!
Russian Dude: But I thought you were one of the good guys!!!!
Sayid: Good, bad...I'm the guy with the gun.
In Soviet Russia, SAYID STILL PWNS YOU.
So after killing the dude, Sayid goes to meet Benry for a "Who's the Biggest GQ-Looking Motherfucker" contest.
"I'll no longer be needing your services. It's been a pleasure having you in class. Mission accomplished. Keep in touch."
"Wait a second, that's it?? Just like that?? We're done...PROFESSIONALLY?? And wtf are you wearing, did I just wander into Casablanca??"
"Hey, this is classy, is my fedora on straight? At least I'm not tarted up like some sort of German dominatrix. I guess I'm gonna go get a frappaccino or something if you want to come with. Here's looking at you, kid. Heehee."
So of course Sayid was like, "Well, now that I'm all done with my two year bloodbath of a killing spree, I think I'm going to go build some schools for poor children. Seems...logical."
***
So then Horace is like, "Now look, mister. You've got to start giving us some answers, pronto." And he takes out these crazy looking shears and we're like OH NO THE TORCHURRA IS GONNA GET TORCHA-ED!
But since Horace is all hippie love child and shit, he just cut off his handcuffs!
But then he's like, "I know I'm a hippie and all, but I'm v. srs about this, okay!? If you don't start cooperating, I'm going to have to take it to...THE NEXT LEVEL..."
Horace: Look, the next level is hugs and oatmeal cookies! Don't make me resort to that, Mr. Hostile! And you don't even want to KNOW about our Dharma Tickle Chamber!
Sayid: Fucking amateur hour.
***
So Juliet's staring out the window, watching Jack and Kate and kind of looking like the cover art for a Judy Blume novel.
"I never thought they'd come back. It's all over, isn't it? Us, playing house, everything? Sayid's going to tell them everything, isn't he?"
"Oh baby, don't worry. We're fine. Sayid ain't saying anything. And everything will be cool between us. Until that Kate episode next week."
*wishes she had freckles and a problem with authority*
So Horace comes running in and he's all like, "We have a problem with the prisoner. We may have to resort to...THE NEXT LEVEL."
"Not the Tickle Chamber!"
"I'm afraid so."
So Sawyer tells Horace to give him one last shot with the "Hostile" and maybe they won't have to resort to cookies and hugs.
***
"How you doing?"
"A 12-year-old Ben Linus just brought me a chicken salad sandwich. How do you think I'm doing?"
Sawyer: Look dude, just say you defected from the Hostiles and come and join Team Dharmaville! It's not all that bad! We can get you a position torchurra-ing shrubs and bushes into submission! We've actually been looking for a gardener.
Sayid: I wouldn't touch your bush with my 10-foot pole!
Sawyer: DUDE DO IT, OR ELSE THEY'RE GONNA EQUINIZE YA!
Sayid actually got scared for a second!! "What do you mean?? Equinize?? Does that mean they'll horsewhip me or something???"
"They're gonna tie you to a tree and feed you sugar cubes!!"
*pretends to still be scared while secretly imagining himself pwning everyone and Cabbage Patching his way over to Hostile Land*
***
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Comments (11)
"And then Sayid spontaneously orgasmed and fell to the ground just from talking that close to Sawyer's face!!!"
...officially the most i have laughed out loud at a recap, ever :D
although i would probably meet the same fate....mmmm sawyer
1 of 11 | Posted by tv6.0 | Posted on March 29, 2009 10:37 PM
"And then Sayid was like, "I helped my brother once, and it turned me into a murdering TORCHURRA!!!!!""
Clearly, in the Lost world, you shouldn't be your brother's keeper or you might end up on a time-jumping island w/ polar bears and smoke monsters and big, black horses and mango trees.
"And anyway, he's just conversing with Dumbledore at King's Cross station at the moment, right?"
Benry is totally The Boy Who Lived.
This show is such a trip. If you killed Benry before he becomes EVIL Benry, does that make you a savior of hundreds or a murderer of an innocent kid? Or both? And can you change the future anyway? 'Cause, I rather thought this show had said you couldn't? Which means Benry has to have lived, and is it a clue that he looks like Harry Potter? And that chicken salad sandwich totally started things right? Reminded Sayid of his first kill, the poor chicken. So he was right to kill Little Ben as he was already channeling evil w/ his chicken sandwiches. He should have picked tuna and we could have had a happier ending.
2 of 11 | Posted by jennaboa | Posted on March 30, 2009 6:03 AM
"Sayid: Good, bad...I'm the guy with the gun.
In Soviet Russia, SAYID STILL PWNS YOU."
Army of Darkness and Soviet Russia back-to-back?! z0mg ur t3h 1337 a3wsumz!
3 of 11 | Posted by Anonymous | Posted on March 30, 2009 6:33 AM
And for some reason the board thinks I'm Anonymous Coward today, even though I logged in. Oh well. Copyhacker out.
4 of 11 | Posted by Anonymous | Posted on March 30, 2009 6:34 AM
"Joe McCarthy, Richard Nixon, Studebaker, television
North Korea, South Korea, Marilyn Monroe
BENRY STARTED THE FIY-AH!"
Hells yeah!
Also lovin' the "Judy Blume cover" reference. Your recaps are great, Ack!
5 of 11 | Posted by rubinia | Posted on March 30, 2009 8:38 AM
I am slayed once again, Ack. I bow to your superior sense of humor. I can't quote everything that made me laugh or allusions that made me say "OMFG" because that would mean re-quoting the entire recap. L. O. L. Ack!
6 of 11 | Posted by zbird | Posted on March 30, 2009 5:18 PM
I've been reading TVgasm for several years for my favorite shows (Lost, Amazing Race) but have never felt compelled to register until now. But I did just to say the Lost recaps are freaking hilarious. I think the "Hi I'm Larry, this is my brother Darryl" is what pushed me over the edge. I haven't found another site that compares to this one.
7 of 11 | Posted by waylost | Posted on March 30, 2009 6:09 PM
Thanks so much, guys!!! Flattery will get you everywhere :D
8 of 11 | Posted by ack_attack | Posted on March 30, 2009 7:58 PM
You're going to be EQUINIZED!
From that point on, I laughed non-stop.
But the funniest thing is that you do include enough recap that your readers get a pretty good idea what happened!
9 of 11 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on March 30, 2009 8:06 PM
And even though Little Ben is super cute, he still gets that POOT POOT BRRRUUUMMMP music right before the commercial break, so we know that he's stil eveel. At least a little.
That made me LOL. Ack, do you know where I can find a clip of the POOT POOT BRUMMMMP music?
10 of 11 | Posted by kissmymanolos | Posted on March 31, 2009 10:07 AM
"Although I should warn you that sex with me has a 100% mortality rate."
lo fucking l..
also, Did anyone else squee when Sawyer called Kate freckles?? he has been all serious calling her kate since she's been back.. aww.! he lova her!
11 of 11 | Posted by duckncvr | Posted on April 4, 2009 12:09 PM