In the first hour of the Season 5 finale, Jacob earns some frequent flyer miles, Juliet learns kung fu, Sayid loses a few quarts of blood, and Ben plays Simon John Locke Says.
NOTE: Part 2 of the finale recap will be posted later this week!
Previously on Lost...
"They are about to drill into a massive Hot Pocket of energy...and we all know what happens to Hot Pockets on this show!!"
*dramatic reenactment*
***
So first we see Rumplestiltskin some dude spinning some wool into thread, and everything looks kind of Ten Commandments-y.
And these guys are hanging out on the beach, only they're not all decked out in neckerchiefs and J. Crew chinos, they've got like rope belts and mandals and whatnot!
Guy in Black: I must be evil since I'm wearing black. I invented Goth, bitches.
Guy in White: I must be good since I'm wearing white. Pay no attention to that red herring I just caught. *WINK*
So these guys see this huge ship (Black Rock represent!!!) and the Guy in Black is all like, "Another ship? Srsly? Let's hope they've got some hot wenches on this one because the last one was a total bust. I mean what's the point of magically drawing a ship to this Island if I can't get some booty to plunder??"
"Keep it in ye olde pantse, Guy in Black. If you can't find a strumpet to swab your deck, there will always be that plane in a few hundred years. Totally chocked full of hotties, bro."
Guy in Black: If I don't get laid in the next century, I'm...I'm going to kill you. I will find a loophole and I will KEEL YOU...*SCARY MUSIC*...JACOB!!!!!
Jacob: Oh shit, I'M Jacob?? I thought I was that guy from Dexter! LOL
Audience: LOOPHOLE? JACOB??? WHAAAAA???
So the Guy in Black stomped away in a huff, and then the 4-toed statue was all like "HEYYY DOES THIS LOINCLOTH MAKE MY ASS LOOK FAT OR WHAT???"
***
So we flash back to Baby Kate! And she stole a New Kids on the Block lunchbox!
"I can't believe I even know who the New Kids on the Block are, the only music I've ever heard is Patsy Cline! Listen! It's playing right now!"
Anyway, little Kate gets caught stealing, and instead of being carted off to Kids Court, Jacob shows up and pays for the lunchbox!!!!!!!!!! WHAT!!!!!??????
Store Guy: Ain't you Aunt Zelda's kid? I'm gonna call her right now, Missy!
Jacob: My treat, no harm done. You won't steal anymore, will you Katie?
Katie: No sir. Just other people's boyfriends.
Jacob: Good, because stealing is bad, mmkay? Murder is fine though, knock yourself out with that.
***
So Kate is like, "We've got to go back to The Island, Jack's about to blow everyone up!"
And Sawyer's kind of like, "Well...good for him," and we're all kind of like "Who the hell is this lame new Sawyer and what have they done with Mr. Badass #1??"
***
Meanwhile, Jack and Sayid are taking a look at Faraday's journal to figure out how to dismantle/detonate Jughead!
Sayid: He left detailed instructions on...well actually this page just says "Mr. Daniel Staples-Lewis," "Mrs. Charlotte Faraday," and then "Mr. and Mrs. Daniel Faraday-Lewis."
Daniel's Journal: I never thought I'd fall for a Ginger Kid, but alas. I can't stop thinking about her...she is intoxicating. I love the way her nose crinkles up when she's being a huge bitch. Will I ever convince Charlotte to go steady with me? Sigh. She will be mine. Oh yes, she will be mine.
"Didn't he understand that in order to win over a pretty lady you just have to make all her decisions for her, and then develop a substance abuse problem, and then lie to her a lot, and then everything will be ruined between you, but then you can just figure out a way to turn back time and start over??? DUH. Simple."
"You know, Jack...sometimes I wonder how your mind hasn't caved in on itself like a dying star."
***
Meanwhile at the Swan Station site...
"Dammit, Radzinsky!! If you don't stop drilling now, that Hot Pocket of energy is going explode like sausage in a microwave!!! Don't you care about the CONSEQUENCES?? I mean, I really enjoy having BOTH of my arms!"
"CONSEQUENCES SHMONSEQUENCES! AND WHAT THE FRAK IS A MICROWAVE!?"
***
Sun: So who's this Jacob fellow I keep hearing so much about?
Ben: Oh, Jacob? He's the Big Man on Campus.
Sun: So you guys are like good friends, right?
Ben: I thought we were, but it turns out he was just using me to get what he wanted. *sniff*
Sun: This sounds like an episode of The OC.
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Comments (8)
"Guy in Black: I must be evil since I'm wearing black. I invented Goth, bitches.
Guy in White: I must be good since I'm wearing white. Pay no attention to that red herring I just caught. *WINK*"
Hahahahaha.
You've got your work cut out for you making the next episode funny.
1 of 8 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on May 17, 2009 8:54 PM
LMAO!! I can't believe I could laugh at this when I was crying my heart out watching the last episode! The parting of James con Juliet was so sad. I didn't think your recap would be funny but there you go again...THE GHOSTBUSTER MOVE!!! Ha!Ha!
Can't wait for your part 2!
2 of 8 | Posted by sarmie618 | Posted on May 17, 2009 10:18 PM
>>And Sawyer's kind of like, "Well...good for him," and we're all kind of like "Who the hell is this lame new Sawyer and what have they done with Mr. Badass #1??"
exactly. i blaim juliet for that.
3 of 8 | Posted by mila superstar | Posted on May 18, 2009 2:00 AM
loooove it. great sawyer-juliet-kate analysis.
btw -- totes don't get all the juliet shirt changing references? can someone enlighten me?
4 of 8 | Posted by ennairam6 | Posted on May 18, 2009 8:21 AM
@ennairam6: From wikipedia - Redshirt is a slang term for a minor role stock character whose primary purpose in the plot of a story is to die soon after being introduced, thus demonstrating the dangerous circumstances faced by the main characters. The term originates from the science fiction television series Star Trek and is taken from the red shirts worn by security officers. On Star Trek, anonymous security officers often accompany main characters on dangerous missions where they meet their death.
Poor Juliet.
5 of 8 | Posted by ack_attack | Posted on May 18, 2009 8:31 AM
OMG Ack! You are so right...you must have ESP...or Lost is getting incredibly paint-by-numbers.....
6 of 8 | Posted by marishka | Posted on May 18, 2009 10:36 AM
omfg....dick in a box...lol
7 of 8 | Posted by pappy44 | Posted on May 18, 2009 11:15 AM
OMG, Ack, I LOVE your Lost recaps. The best part of this one? When Ben told Locke that Alex told him to do whatever Locke says, and you did the whole "Pat your head and rub your belly bit"...hilarious because right after watching that part of the show, I looked at my hubby and said, Damn, I was so hoping Locke was gonna tell him to pat his head and rub his belly at the same time...
8 of 8 | Posted by youngsweetheart | Posted on May 19, 2009 10:04 AM