This week on Lost Kate fights to keep custody of Aaron, Sawyer has a Marty McFly moment, we revisit some old friends, and everyone is left wondering: "When will my nose start bleeding!?"
So it's like the day before the Oceanic 6 are miraculously ~*discovered*~ and Jack and Kate are on the boat having a talk about Aaron.
"I'll lie and say Aaron's mine, I'm sure no one mentioned in my arrest record that I wasn't 6 months pregnant at the time."
"Well if we're lying about that, let's lie about everything else too! Lie together, die alone...or no wait...anyway...R U WITH ME!?"
"I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN WITH U...except for when I was with Sawyer. Although I was with you when I banged Sawyer in the polar bear cage, weirdly enough."
"But he's gone now. So I choose you, Jack-achu."
***
So to prove how much she loved Aaron, Kate went and left him with a homicidal babysitter!
"You just wait here, honey! Don't eat too much sugar and no touching Aunt Sun's pistol!"
And SunPac went and opened her box of GLOCKLATES and tapped her fingers together in a nefarious fashion!!
***
On the island, Charlotte was still having the whole brains-coming-out-of-nose problem.
Juliet: If there's something you want to tell me, tell me now. Is this from all the time traveling??
Daniel: Everything that happens now, is happening now.
Juliet: What happened to then?
Daniel: We passed it.
Juliet: When?
Daniel: Just now. We're at now, now.
Juliet: Go back to then.
Daniel: When?
Juliet: Now.
Daniel: Now?
Juliet: Now.
Daniel: I can't.
Juliet: Why?
Daniel: We missed it.
Juliet: When?
Daniel: Just now.
Juliet: When will then be now?
Daniel: Soon.
***
Meanwhile Kate is trying to get this lawyer dude to fess up about who he's working for.
"Just tell me who wanted the blood samples!. I have a right to know. HE'S MY SON, DAMMIT!"
"Not the momma!"
"HE'S MY SO...wait a second, did you just make a Dinosaurs reference!?"
"Forget it. Bottom line is we both know he's not your kid, so prepare yourself. We're gonna have to take the boy. BOOM! YOU JUST GOT LAWYERED!"
"YOU CAN'T TAKE MAH BOY...RIGHT OUTTA MAH HANDS!!!!!!"
***
So Locke and Sawyer are standing around, waiting for Charlotte to wake up, enjoying the scenery, when Locke's all, "Stop looking at my manboobs and listen to me! We have to go to The Orchid!"
"And why in the hell would we want to do that!?"
"Because I think I can make this island stop flashing. I've got to get everyone that left back,even if it kills me. You want HER back, don't you!?"
"...make it happen, Captain."
And then Charlotte unfortunately woke up from her Time Traveler coma! But none of us really cared!
Well, except for Daniel.
***
"Christ Sayid! You had 3 horse tranquilizers in you!"
"Luckily I run on an internal 450-horsepower combustion PWN ENGINE, so I was safe."
"You know...before Ben made me shave my beard I probably had the equivalent of 3 horse tranqs in me too lol."
"...Not something to brag about, Rehab."
And then we found out Hurley decided to dress like the sun in those Jimmy Dean Breakfast Bowl commercials while he's in prison!
Ho hum, this episode has been going for 13 minutes and I still haven't gotten to do any crazy ninja moves. Sigh.
"I think I can help you with that! TASTE MY BLOW DARTS, BITCH!!!"
But this guy wasn't aware Sayid got an IV league education in Kicking Ass and Taking Names.
"Looks like you're the one on life support now." *chuckles*
And that's when Jack and Ben roll up and Ben's like "Oh good, the gang's all here!" And then they found Kate's address in the dude's pocket!
***
*heavy breathing*
"I know it's you Jack, your name came up on my caller id."
Jack: Oh...listen, you and Aaron are in danger!
Kate: I don't have time for this, me and Aaron are in dan...oh wait.
And then Benry called shotgun! But he had to ride bitch, as does anyone who rides with Sayid.
***
So Sawyer and Locke & Co. are traipsing through the jungle when all of the sudden the light from the hatch is all HI REMEMBER ME and you hear some chick screaming her BRAINS out and Sawyer goes to check it out - and it's Season 1 Kate! With pre-wig Claire! And she's HAVIN' THE BAY-BEH!!!!!
And Sawyer's all, "I WANT TO GO TO THERE" and we're all like OMG SAWYER I WILL COMFORT YOU. PHYSICALLY.
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Comments (17)
GLOCKLATES... lol!!
And you would think that one of the Others would supply John with a bra. They seem to be an attractive bunch, and at least Richard isn't above using a little makeup. Maybe their leader is always the least attractive one? *(Ben!)
1 of 17 | Posted by here4beer | Posted on February 9, 2009 6:43 AM
Dinosaurs and Pulp Fiction?! Great recap Ack!
2 of 17 | Posted by Tadow | Posted on February 9, 2009 7:06 AM
This was one of the best Lost recaps I've read! I love the use of 80% pictures, 20% words....because, honestly, the more someone writes about Lost, the less it makes sense. LOL
great job!
3 of 17 | Posted by Anonymous | Posted on February 9, 2009 7:53 AM
Kudos on the Shaun of the Dead reference. Keep em coming Ack. Loves it!
4 of 17 | Posted by BugMom22 | Posted on February 9, 2009 8:07 AM
Hilarious recap!
I remember "Dinosaurs" and "Not the mama!" hee heeeeee
5 of 17 | Posted by Clair | Posted on February 9, 2009 8:58 AM
omfg...that was amazing...lol...
6 of 17 | Posted by pappy44 | Posted on February 9, 2009 9:44 AM
LMAO!! The Spaceballs reference totally rocked!
Best. Recap. Ever.
7 of 17 | Posted by Devlin | Posted on February 9, 2009 10:10 AM
i haven't even finished reading the recap and wanted to give you major props for that spaceballs reference. i've been waiting for someone to use that quote for this season. it's not only HIlarious but totally sums it up nicely!
i can't wait to find out that jack was sawyer's father's brother's nephew's cousin's former room-mate...
8 of 17 | Posted by mones | Posted on February 9, 2009 11:22 AM
I read these recaps religiously and never commented, but I registered just to be able to tell you I just LOLed about 12 times during this recap. HIGH-larious! Love it.
And thanks to ALL the recappers and commenters for making work a whole lot less mind-numbingly boring.
9 of 17 | Posted by jadestarla | Posted on February 9, 2009 12:39 PM
You guys are awesome! I'm glad I can bring the lolz!
10 of 17 | Posted by ack_attack | Posted on February 9, 2009 2:48 PM
LOVE the Spaceballs reference! That was perfect! And these recaps are the best. I totally needed a good laugh today.
11 of 17 | Posted by kyliebeth | Posted on February 9, 2009 6:18 PM
i think i judged you too quickly when i read ur earlier lost recaps...these ones are actually really funny...u have me as a reader now :) keep it up.
12 of 17 | Posted by travi360 | Posted on February 9, 2009 11:12 PM
In addition to all the awesome references, it was a bit wordier. Me likey :)
13 of 17 | Posted by tadow | Posted on February 10, 2009 3:32 AM
>And then Charlotte unfortunately woke up from her Time Traveler coma! But none of us really cared!
Love it!! She annoys the crap out of me.
>and we're all like OMG SAWYER I WILL COMFORT YOU. PHYSICALLY.
I actually did really think this at that moment. ;)
Once again, funny, funny recap Ack! You had me giggling like a crazy person all alone in my little cubicle. Keep up the good work!
14 of 17 | Posted by Wildheart | Posted on February 10, 2009 12:44 PM
mones: What's that make us?
;)
15 of 17 | Posted by Devlin | Posted on February 11, 2009 10:21 AM
"And meanwhile (well 3 years ago, but you know what I mean) Jin is waking up..."
Actually, he's in 1988, so it's 20 years ago (or if LA Lost "now" is 2007, 18 or 19). Or, since he just came from 2004, maybe 16. Whatever it is, it's not three.
16 of 17 | Posted by AlanHK | Posted on February 12, 2009 5:39 PM
OMG..
great!
but where's the rest???
17 of 17 | Posted by kikz | Posted on February 13, 2009 10:59 AM