Previously on Lost...

"John, YAH GONNA HAFTA DAH-EEE!"

***

So the Ajira plane has crashed and that dude from the airport is rifling through some stuff in a Dharma office. He doesn't find much, only a flashlight and Daniel Faraday's homework from like 2nd grade.

Not!Ana-Lucia comes in and she's like, "There's this dude in a suit...and a Snuggie...he thinks he's Emperor Palpatine...he wasn't on the plane..." so he goes out to the beach to see what's up and some guy's sitting there going, "It is unavoidable! It is your destiny!"

And we're like, GUY IN A SUIT? TALKING ABOUT DESTINY?? That's got to be our old resurrected pal JOHN LOCKE!!! ';lsdkf'a;lsk

***

The next morning AnNOT-Lucia is all "HI NAME/A/S/L? And uh, if you weren't on the plane, where the hell did you come from?"

After having sexual relations with a mango, Locke was ready to talk to all the island n00bs.

"Oh, nothing to worry about with me. Nothing but a simple case of resurrection! And before you ask, no, I'm not the final Cylon. That would be Daniel."

Ilana: Everyone is scared, we heard a noise in the jungle last ni...
Locke: Oh, that's just Smokey.
Ilana: But what about the office we found, it looks like someone's working on exper...
Locke: Just the Dharma Initiative. Scientists. etc etc
Ilana: And someone said they saw something big and white in the jung...
Locke: Polar bear.
Ilana: ...so what about the guy in the jungle with the giant eyelashes?
Locke: *chuckles* Oh, that's just Richard.

Ilana: Is there anything you don't know, Mr. Fancypants?
Locke: Yeah...how did I get here, and why am I not dead??

***

So right after he turned the Wheel! Of! Fortune! Locke found himself in a desert with a bone-sticking-out-of-leg problem.

*pukes* "Ooooh. It's so damn hot. Milk was a bad choice."

And unfortunately like some other Frozen Donkey Wheel Turners, he did not come equipped with a ninja stick.

At first he panics, but then he sees a camera pointing right at him and he's like, "OWWWWW OWWW OHHH HEYYYY! HA! Am I on Candid Camera?? Where's Ashton?? Where's Ashton!?"

Much to Locke's chagrin, Ashton was nowhere to be found.

Apparently apart from sand and rocks and R2D2 and polar bear skeletons, Tunisia has trucks now too! And these guys come and throw Locke into the back of the truck!

The doctors are all like "OUR CIVIL WAR TECHNOLOGY, LET US SHOW YOU IT" and they throw him into a hospital bed, tell him to hunker down and give him something to bite on, and THEY SNAP HIS LEG BACK INTO PLACE :O

So Locke passes out THANK GOD but right before he sees Abaddon hanging out in the room and we're all kind of like WAIT WHAAAAAAAT!???

***

Locke comes to when some dude with a British/Australian/something else I'm sure accent wakes him up. And it's our good fiend friend Chuck Widmore!

Widmore: Come to the Dark Side! We have cookies!
Locke: Ben said to not trust you!
Widmore: BENJAMIN?? If Benjamin were an ice cream flavor, he'd be Pralines and Dick!
Locke: ...
Widmore: Come onnnn, want to be my new BFF?
Locke: Why would I want that?

Widmore: I was the leader on the island for 30 years! I'm an Other from another mother!
Locke: Well okay, I'm not supposed to tell you this, but I have to bring them all back.
Widmore: Yes! And you MUST succeed. You are the Chosen One. You MUST get back to the Island!
Locke: But why??

"Because there's a war coming, John. And if you're not back on The Island when it happens, the wrong side is going to win! Even now Benrymort is gathering his Death Eaters in order to strike when the time comes! Soon we must all face the choice between what is right and what is easy! Don't you see, John?? Neither of you can live while the other survives!"

"..Merlin's beard!"

***

So the next morning Widmore gives Locke his new passport.

Locke: Jeremy Bentham? What gives?
Widmore: He was a philosopher. We thought Socrates would be a dead giveaway that you weren't Canadian.

"How do I know I can trust you?"

"Well...I haven't tried to kill you. *cough*That you know of*cough*"

And for his ~*peace of mind*~ Widmore gave Locke a creepy ass bodyguard! The guy that told Locke to go on the Walkabout like eons ago! And Widmore was like "You can trust him, he's bald like us!!"

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Posted in Lost by Ack at 4:52 PM | Permalink | Comments (11)
Last Comment: publick skool boy on Mar 4, 2009 10:06 AM.