This week on Lost, we gear up for the season finale with beach-side exoduses, missions to retrieve explosives, Sawyer all tied up, and the beginnings of Jack's and Locke's inevitably huge mistakes.
Previously on every Lost finale:
Losties get the crap kicked out of them by bitchy Others while cuffed to a chair...
Secret Sayid Sniper pops out from the trees and saves Jack and Kate...
Jack makes some horrible decisions based on his own personal hang-ups...
Kate wonders why she's been going along with Jack, considering said decision making...
Locke makes a ridiculous decision that helps only himself...
And a group of people evacuate Old Testament Style from from one location to another!
***
Kate and Jack overhear Eloise committing filicide (look it up, kids) and so they run away into the safety of the jungle!
Unfortunately they run right into a pissed off Hostile on a horse, who quickly decides to play polo with Jack's head.
Widmore shows up and captures Jack and Kate and brings them back to Tentsylvania, where Eloise is trying to figure out what the hell just happened and everyone's got a lot on their mind...
Daniel: WTF, am I...dead?
Eloise: WTF, did I just...kill my son?
Richard: WTF, how come no one commented on how fierce these pants are??
Eloise: Did you show up with this dead guy?
Jack: Damn straight!
Kate: Way to keep the mystery going, Jackass.
Eloise: Very well...put them in my tent. I want to have one of those "key parties" everyone keeps talking about.
***
So 30 years in the future, Richard is pulling a Bill Adama and putting together a model ship. In a bottle. Which I will bet any amount of money is the Black Rock. sd';fkasldkfal;d
But I digress. So Richard's bottle-building, and this random girl runs up and goes, "HE'S HERE" which is weird considering no one had seen or heard from Locke in 3 years, AMIRIGHT?
Anyway Locke rolls up to the beach with a frickin' BOAR in tow, and he's all like, "I brought you this delicious boar, hope you don't mind, I was going to bring some meatloaf, but then I thought that was a little BOAR-ing..." *chuckles to himself*
And Richard's just like, "Heh heh ehhhh...what are you doing here? We thought you were gone forever. And...is there something different about you?"
"Well, I'm in a lavender shirt that's a far cry from my usual Pit Stain Chic. And I just saved money by switching to Geico. I think that's about it. OH, and I was dead like 48 hours ago. Crazy, right?? I think I still kinda smell like death."
Sun: Who is that guy?
Ben: Oh, that's Richard. He's old. REALLY old. Older than the hills. Older than like Mickey Rooney, even. Don't let the lush lashes and J. Crew ensemble fool you. That man eats wheat germ and prunes for breakfast and calls jeans "dungarees."
With this new information, Sun runs over to Richard to ask him if he knows anything about the time traveling Losties!
Sun: Do you remember my husband? He was here in the 70's. About 6', Korean, hilarious accent?
Richard: Ohh yeah, the "Udders" guy? Sure. But sry2say, he's dead. I watched them all die. They're all dead. Dead dead dead. Dead as doornails. Dead as disco.
Dead.
***
Sun: So do you really think they're dead?
Locke: No.
Sun: But how can you say that, after what that elderly man told us?
Locke: We still have another season of this show to get through, HELLO??!!
So Locke says he needs to run an errand, and he'd like Richard and Ben to join him.
"Does Benny want to go for a walk? Whose a good boy? Is Benny a good boy? Whoseagoodboywhowantstogoforawalk, is it Benny? Come on, Benny! Grab your leash!"
"Seriously....FML."
And then Locke turns to Sun and he's like, "If there's a way to kill Jaco...I mean...find our people, I'll do it!! LOL did I almost say kill Jacob? Why would I do that? Silly John."
***
Back in Eloise's tent, Jack and Kate are roughed up by an especially hostile Hostile, and Jack's face is oozing Blood, Sweat, and Jears.
With his nose and mouth full of blood, he's just like, "Don't you shee, Kate? This is aweshome! I can shave everyone! We can erashe the lasht three yearsh and...we've god anudder chansh!!! My whole Nick Nolte phashe will be ancient hishtory!"
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Comments (8)
Juliet's red shirt dilemma..LOL :D
Another awesomely hilarious recap!
Erm..has anyone noticed that Sayid no longer has his sexay, badass, Iraqui, "I am a torturer" accent?
Now it's just his real life British accent.. *sad horns*
1 of 8 | Posted by knackered | Posted on May 11, 2009 12:26 AM
misshugga....LOLOLOLOLOLXXOOXXOO
2 of 8 | Posted by pappy44 | Posted on May 11, 2009 11:43 AM
OH ACK, you crACK me up!
I too thought Sawyer was going to stay behind but he hopped in.
3 of 8 | Posted by kissmymanolos | Posted on May 11, 2009 3:01 PM
I'm with smoochie-shoes up there -- you seriously slay me, Ack! There are WAY too many funny moments in this recap, but I mostly love when you sum up the audience's experiences ("Wut?"). So true.
Oh, the red shirt thing was awesome too, as was this: "Blood, Sweat, and Jears." Too cute, too funny!
4 of 8 | Posted by zbird | Posted on May 11, 2009 6:40 PM
Soooo funny!! Sayid's updo is really funky! And what's up with his British accent now?? He forgot he's supposed to be an Iraqi! LMAO!!
5 of 8 | Posted by sarmie618 | Posted on May 11, 2009 10:28 PM
I always love your references, but HOLY SHIT A CAN'T HARDLY WAIT REFERENCE. WINNER OF ALL THINGS TO BE WON.
6 of 8 | Posted by oodle_noodle | Posted on May 11, 2009 10:46 PM
Intentional or not, having Jack cry to Kate, 'I am your DENSITY" was hilarious. I've been in denial, but I suppose we must accept that there's only one more Wednesday night viewing for a looong time :(
7 of 8 | Posted by Tadow | Posted on May 12, 2009 3:40 AM
Husband and I totally picked up on that "wHen" pronunciation too during the conversation near the plane. I started to ask "Did he just say ...?" just as Husband turned to me and said "Cool WHip." Heh.
8 of 8 | Posted by Badger | Posted on May 12, 2009 10:45 PM