This week on Lost, Sawyer gets in touch with his inner softy, Juliet learns how to fix a carburetor, Dick Alpert demands some justice, and the love quadrangle rears its ugly head yet again.
Previously on Lost...
"What's the matter, Lassie? Did Locke fall down the well??"
***
So the well has just disappeared and our heroes look up and they're like, "UHHHH..."
"All the cops in the donut shop say..."
"Way ohh way ohhh..."
"Ohh wayyy oh wayy ohhhh...."
"WALK LIKE AN EGYPTIANNNNNN."
And we were all like :O WHAT. And...is that a mullet?
And then all the sudden there was this HUGE flash and the ground was shaking and everyone's brains started melting!!! They were all "I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE, I'M GETTING A HEADACHE!"
The Island: Here, take two of these!
Juliet: Ah, Nuprin. Little. Yellow. Different.
And their headaches/nose bleeds were gone! HUZZAH!
But Sawyer was sad because the well was there but all filled in! (Like your mom, wut!?) So he announced he'd be staying there to wait for Locke and Company - however long it takes.
***
Three Years Later...
***
So that guy from Friday Night Lights and this chick named Rosie are eating some ~*brownies*~ , waiting for Kelso and Hyde to come over, and generally shirking off their duties the way the kids do.
In short, they're having a hootenanny.
But then Jimmy Barrett from Mad Men storms in and he's all, "You kids, with your loud music and your Dan Fogelberg records, your Zima, hula hoops, and Pac-Man video games!!!! Do you want LaFleur to find out you're slacking off!?"
Guy from Friday Night Lights: You're harshing my mellow, NARC.
Jimmy Barrett: GOODSPEED IS OUT THERE BLOWING UP TREES!
Guy from Friday Night Lights: *5 second delayed reaction* ...ohhhh noooOOOOO!
Horace Goodspeed: I AM A GOLDEN GOD!!!!!!!!!!! *lights self on fire*
So Jimmy Barrett and Friday Night Lights dude run over to LaFleur Delacour's house and they're totally sweating it because apparently this guy is going to bust their balls!
"Um, sir? We have...a bit of a situation. Code Orange: Drunk hippie with dynamite in the Valley Sector."
And then LaFleur is like "SON OF A BITCH" and we're like, "OH LOST, I SEE WHAT YOU'VE DONE THERE."
So Sawyer James LaFleur and Miles jump into the Dharmamobile to investigate!
And they find Horace totally assed out on the grass mumbling, "I dig music...I'm on drugs..." to himself.
Sawyer throws him in the back of the van and takes him home to his wife. She says they had been fighting, which is no good considering she is heavy with child!
And after Sawyer made a joke about the coconut telegraph (kfdl;askfs;d) this Amy chick unconveniently goes into labor! *cue dramatic music*
At first Sawyer's like, "I can do this! I saw Kate do it once in a flashback!" But then once she screamed a couple of times, he changed his mind and took her to the doctor!
***
Three Years Earlier
***
Juliet, Miles, and Sawyer find Daniel in the jungle mumbling to himself and he is like SUPER sad face :(
"Daniel, WHA HAPPENED????"
"I got a weal wed wagon...not gonna tell her...Charlotte is...disappeared...dead...vanished...."
"Charlotte's dead? This is really turning into a sausage fest."
"We should go back to the beach, wait for Locke. Plus, I need to get some sun. All this time traveling has done a number on my tan."
"Yeah, okay. I kind of miss having sand in my buttcrack 24/7. Let's go."
"Um, I'm sorry - but who put him in charge?"
"God did when he made him an Alpha Male. Now shut it, Beta."
***
So they're on their way to the beach when they hear some chick screaming a little ways away from them!! And then they heard gunshots!
And Miles, being the brave one, is like, "DANIEL, WE'RE NOT ALLOWED TO INTERFERE, RIGHT?? I WOULDN'T WANT TO MESS UP THE SPACE TIME CONTINUUM...OR MY FACE."
But Daniel's like, "Whatever happened, happened."
"Very deep, Plato. Did you think of that one all by yourself?"
"Um...fortune cookie, actually."
So even though Daniel is a gibbering mess and Miles is only brave enough to save his OWN ass, Juliet and Sawyer go in with guns blazing!!! They kill two Hostiles!
Apparently Juliet is a sharp shooter. The dog never laughs at her when she's playing Duck Hunt.
Turns out the screaming chick was having a picnic with her Dharma husband when some Hostiles showed up and wanted some potato salad. Despite being hippies, they didn't share, and so the Hostiles KILLED the guy!!!
I guess now we know "Hostiles" isn't just a clever name O_o
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Comments (13)
Ack, you ROCK!!! Peaches and Herb? Seriously, PEACHES and HERB??!?!?! LMAO!!! And then, the Ferris Bueller music reference - the best! And you worked in Camillionaire too? How do you do it? I read Doc Jensen for theory, and you to laugh at myself for taking Lost so seriously.
P.S. Count me in the Yay JuliSaw camp!
1 of 13 | Posted by LostinEmotion | Posted on March 8, 2009 9:32 PM
Julawyer? Wouldn't that be a racial slur?
lmao
One of many hilarities in this recap!
2 of 13 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on March 8, 2009 10:09 PM
"She's big for her age (which would be -5)"
Haha! That's priceless.
3 of 13 | Posted by themiki | Posted on March 9, 2009 7:32 AM
I was wondering why Juliette not Sawer was shirtless too, I mean come on folks!
4 of 13 | Posted by fawm316 | Posted on March 9, 2009 7:49 AM
Ack, awesome recap! Loved the Airheads reference. I was laughing from beginning to end.
5 of 13 | Posted by PottyMouth | Posted on March 9, 2009 10:41 AM
Excellent recap, Ack! But you left out my favorite exchange:
Sawyer: Let me go out and talk to him.
Horace: Who?
Sawyer: The guy with the eyeliner.
Awesome! I thought no one was supposed to notice! Trust Sawyer to call a spade a spade....
6 of 13 | Posted by marishka | Posted on March 9, 2009 11:02 AM
I just wanted to say that I always notice & love your Wayne's World references! I think I counted 3 in this recap alone!
7 of 13 | Posted by smash | Posted on March 9, 2009 11:20 AM
That was my favorite exchange too Marishka!
I'm with "Aw yes!" camp on Juliet and Sawyer! I don't like Kate. She needs to go away.
8 of 13 | Posted by akgirl7 | Posted on March 9, 2009 11:30 AM
"You kids, with your loud music and your Dan Fogelberg records, your Zima, hula hoops, and Pac-Man video games!!!!"
did you just quote "baseketball"??? can you please get out of my brain, it's freaking me out!!!
9 of 13 | Posted by mones | Posted on March 9, 2009 1:53 PM
@smash - I'm glad you like all the Wayne's World haha I've somehow made it a tradition that I need at least one WW reference in every single recap I write! It's only my favorite movie ever. Zang.
@mones - We gotta get jobs. Then we get the khakis. Then we get the chicks.
And thanks everyone, I'm glad you like this one! :D
10 of 13 | Posted by ack_attack | Posted on March 9, 2009 2:51 PM
Absolutely loved it Ack!
11 of 13 | Posted by Cherie | Posted on March 9, 2009 10:25 PM
OMG. Hilarity, as usual. You totally make my day every time I read these.
I am in the EWWWWWWW!! Camp. "James" belongs with Kate. The chemistry is way better.
And the ending nearly made me cry. I can't believe we have to wait ANOTHER week to see the Hurley/Sawyer BRO-HUG in action. KTHXBYE!
12 of 13 | Posted by jadestarla | Posted on March 10, 2009 8:58 AM
Hilarious Ack!!!
I'll squee though if that "beta" comment was a reference to Dirty Job!
13 of 13 | Posted by life042 | Posted on March 10, 2009 11:39 PM