Previously on Lost:

Brad + Angelina = Brangelina
Spoon + Fork = Spork

Jack + Tears = JEARS. ;_;

***

So we see Jack's eyeball and we're all kind of like, "Wow this feels eerily familiar..."

And you hear these whispers in the jungle and they're like, "Wtf Jack, you leave, you never call, you never write!?"

But someone is yelling for help! So he runs to this lagoon and Hurley has apparently pulled a reverse Charlie! Even though Charlie claimed he couldn't swim in Season 1, he managed to swim down to the underwater hatch with no problem! And now Hurley, who had an uplifting cannonball into the ocean last season, can't seem to swim!!!

So of course Jack has to save him! By jumping off a cliff!

And then he runs to save Kate, who is taking a nap on some rocks!

"Where are we? Did we make it?"

"And why were you about to give me mouth to mouth!?"

***

46 hours earlier...

***

Mrs. Hawking took Benry, Jack, Sun, and Desmond down into the basement of this church, and instead of a gnarly old couch and some shag carpeting, there was this crazy pendulum thingy!

"Welcome to the Lamp Post! This place was built by the Dharma Initiative to help them find Narnia The Island! And now it's your turn! You're all going baaaack!"

"But...how?"

"String Theory, jackass!"

"This shit is loco, what do yoo mean you're going boch!? All ah came here to do was tell yoo Daniel says hi!"

"But the island's not done with you yet, Desmond."

"Look into mah crazy eyes, lady! I'm noh goin' boch, savvy? Tell The Island to go frak itself, yeah?"

And The Island's like, "But Desmond! We had such wonderful times together!"

And Desmond's like, "LOOK, ISLAND. AHM JUST NOH THAT INTAH YOO! GET OVAH IT! GO OUT WITH SOMEBODY ELSE!"

*plays Morrissey records while crying into its pillow*

"We are all just pieces in their sick game! Ben, you are the Top Hat! Jack, you are the Thimble! Sun, you are the Convertible! I am obviously the Scottie dog! Sayid is the [flat] Iron! Can't you see what's going on here!?"

"That's enough out of you, young man! Do not pass go! Do not collect $200! If you want to help your friends, you have to be on this Ajearsa Airways plane to Guam tomorrow! You've got to get as many people as you can on that plane - the closer you can replicate the original crash, the better!"

"Alright then, crazy lady! We'll just go ahead and do that! I hope we get a tearful "Leavin' On a Jet Plane" montage!"

So Mrs. Hawking is like, "Jack by the way, you do know Locke killed himself right?? He left you a suicide note."

"Is it...dark?"

"Of course it's dark, it's a suicide note."

*sniff* "Why would he kill himself!?"

"Stop blubbering. You know Jack, some people actually experience pain in their lives that isn't related to 'My dad pushed me to be a doctor' and 'My wife thinks I'm a self absorbed dick.' That's why they kill themselves."

"If you want this to work, you need to give Locke something of your father's. Something old, something new, something borrowed, or something blue. Or shoes."

"OKAY GREAT, THANKS. SORRY ABOUT THE YELLING. I CAN'T SEEM TO CONTROL THE VOLUME OF MY VOICE."

***

*singing softly to himself*

I won't take no prisoners, won't spare no lives
Nobody's putting up a fight
I got my bell, I'm gonna take you to hell
I'm gonna get ya, Satan get ya
Hell's Bells
Yeah, Hell's Bel...

"I didn't take you for the church-going type, Ben."

"Let me explain something. This is Saint Thomas. He didn't buy the whole Resurrection thing. He didn't become a true believer until he poked Jesus himself, and then he was ALL ABOUT the Resurrection...so in conclusion, go stick your finger in Locke."

And God said let there be Jears. And it was good.

"I'll catch up with you at the airport. I'm late for a little last-minute homicide I was planning. Toodles!"

Tearing up, Jack decided the only thing he wanted to resurrect for now was his drinking problem!!

So of course he randomly goes to a bar in the middle of the day! But then he gets a call...

Jack: Is it Poppop again?
Person on Phone: The fact that you call it Poppop proves that you're not ready.

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Posted in Lost by Ack at 12:09 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)
Last Comment: copyhacker on Feb 27, 2009 09:54 AM.