Lost: Because You Left and The Lie

*****Please welcome Ack to the family with her kick ass Lost recaps!! For your geek theory fix, join Greybishop and Flipit every Thursday night for the Lost podcast! For instructions on how to join in, click here. Enjoy!

The fifth season of Lost kicks off with some mind-bending physics, crazy ninja moves, a few blasts from seasons past, and a guy named Frogurt.

"Tonight on Losterpiece Theater we bring you the harrowing tale of a young British aristocrat and her trials and tribulations upon choosing a suitable husband..."

"Surely you can't be serious!"

"OBVIOUSLY. Tonight on Lost we bring you the craziest mindf#@k of an episode ever. And...don't call me Shirley."

***

So these miner guys come and grab Dr. Candlewax and this dude is like "Sir, you can't drill any deeper or else this hole is going to explode!!"

"That's what she said. And anyway, it's not all bad. Behind that hole is just wibbly wobbly, timey wimey stuff."

And Daniel's like I don't get it...who is "she?"...and isn't it like, 1972? Shouldn't I be in Speed Racer underoos and not fully grown and bearded?

***

"Did someone say Speed Racer? I heard that movie was awful awesome. So many...pretty colors...." *starts humming Go Go Speed Racer to himself*

"Hi! I'm Earth!! Have we met!?"

"I don't...think...so..."

So Ben is all "WE HAVE TO GO BACK" and Jack's like "THAT IS MY LINE!" whilst removing the dead animal carcass that had been living on his face!

And Ben's like "Let's wrangle up all your Oceanic 6 pals and take them on a tropical vacation!" And then they had a sing-off!!

♫ Aruba! Jamaica! Ooh I wanna take ya to Bermuda, Bahama, come on pretty mama! ♫

♫ Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, I'm gonna go eat worms!!! DIPPED IN CODEINE!!! ♫

♫ We get by with a little help from our friends. Get high with a little help from our friends. Although obviously you're good going solo on that second part. ♫

♫ I AM A ROCK!!! I AM AN ISLAAAAND!!! ♫

"Right, because a rock feels no pain, and an island NEVER CRIES. Excuse me while I ROFLMAO."

***

And then the island wanted to jump into the sing-off with a little "Jungle Love" by Morris Day and the Time...Travelers!!!!!

So anyway as it tuns out, spinning Ye Olde Frozen Donkeye Wheele = CTRL + ALT + DELETE-ing the island!! So now everyone is experiencing the Blue Screen of Death, i.e. THE ISLAND IS HOPPING AROUND IN TIME!!! O_O

Lucky for us, Sawyer left his shirt in 2004! Unfortunately his pants did not suffer the same fate.

So then Bernard comes running out of the jungle and he's all "WE CAN'T GO BACK TO THE CAMP, THERE IS NO CAMP!!!"

And then this little bald kid is all "WE CAN'T USE THE SPOON, THERE IS NO SPOON!!!" and we're all like "WTF IS HAPPENING!?"

And Sawyer's like "Where did our camp go, all my shirts were in my tent!"

"I'm afraid you're going to have to remain topless for a while, you see, your camp hasn't even been BUILT yet!!" *DUN DUN DUNNNNNN*

***

Now we're back in 2007 and Kate's hanging out with her baybeh Aaron when these two dude come to the door and they're all like "Ve vant to take yourrrr blood!"

"What, are you guys vampires or something!?"

"Actually no, I'm the dad from My So-Called Life and my friend is the villain from every 80's teen movie. We're here to prove that your kid is/isn't really yours!"

So of course Kate puts on her best running pumps, grabs some travel shampoo, her pajamas, a giant wad of cash, and a big honkin' gun and screams "ROAD TRIP!!!!!!"

***

"Hey Professor Honeydew, gimme yer shirt!"

And Miles is like, "Um, I could give you my shirt, I'm totally wearing like 3 right now..."

But Daniel is like, "No! No shirts for Sawyer! Everyone just shut up okay, we've got to get to the hatch!! This island is like a record and Jacob is making a remix!! AND WE ALL KNOW REMIXES SUCK, SO LET'S GOOOO."

****

Then THIS PLANE JUST FALLS OUT OF THE SKY AND OMFG IT'S YEMI'S PLANE O' DRUGS!!!!! And then Locke reenacts that scene from North by Northwest!

So then he tries to go see what's up with the plane when Locke gets shot...AGAIN!!!! I mean, REALLY!???? Can't this guy go one episode without getting MAIMED in some way!?

Anyway, this time it was ETHAN that shot him!!! Which was weird considering he was a lot less DEAD than he was when we saw him last!!!

And Locke was just as confused as we were.

***

Lost: Because You Left and The Lie Sections:  1  |  2  |  3  |  4 

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Comments (33)

Lady_Ace:

hilarious brothaaah!

tv6.0:

love it!!!! i was wary of the format when i started reading but by the second page i was laughing my as off! this might be the best possible way to recap such a convoluted show...

pixielated:

Great recap! Somehow you managed to hit all the high spots.

dani2526:

I, too, was wary of the format, but it turned out to be HI-larious! Thanks! It read like a comic book.

Anyone remember the "set-on-fire" guy from that early 90s Got Milk campaign? He played a guy calling into a radio station because he knew the answer to the prize question..."Aaron Burr," he tries to say, but his mouth is too full of peanut butter to be coherent...??

ack_attack:

Thanks so much guys, I'm glad you like it! Granted, it's not your everyday recap, but when you've got such a crazy show I feel like it's more fun to make fun of it a bit and enjoy the ride!

And dani, I totally remember that Aaron Burr ad, that's the first thing I thought of when I saw him!

here4beer:

Airplane FTW- AND DON'T CALL ME SHIRLEY. LOLOL! My fave line though is "good thing Sayid made a clean getaway!" You're so punny!!

anyway- Welcome to the 'gasm! We are so happy to have your hilarious insight, and I can't wait to see the craziness you come up with every week. Also, when I saw Jack's horribly awesome beardwig, I instantly thought of you! HEART!

Clair:

Whohoo!! Furkin' awesome recap Ack!!

chooch850:

hahahaha! Ya had to remind of those stupid tattoos of Jack's & that waste of an hour!

silvara:

OMG. HILARIOUS! (and a shout-out to HIMYM -- whee!)

also confused- desmond doesn't know daniel? but they met at oxford.

confused... but still happy... ah, Lost, i missed you! :)

pixielated:

Yeah, I thought I had figured out that the magical thing about Desmond was that he could retain awareness while skipping around in time, unlike most people. (In other words, if he goes back in time to before he met Daniel, he would still know him.)

Oh, wait! That has only happened since he turned the key in the hatch, right? Well, wouldn't it still work though?

Now I'm confused.

mones:

YOU RULE MY WORLD!!! this was awesome.

after a new ep of lost i read everything i can about it. it's interesting to read other people's theories and insights. sometimes i take it so seriously it takes all the fun out of it. thanks for bringing it back for me!

can't wait til next week!!!

Cherie:

I may have just wee'd a little in my puter chair.

laska:

You're the only Lost recaps I read Ack- because they make the most sense. Glad to see you here!

Lady_Ace:

dani2526 & tv6.0 ...
i totally agree with you both, when i first started reading it, i wasn't expecting this type of format... but once i got into it, i found it to be hysterical! totally the way to go in recapping a mind-F of a show like Lost!! "can i get a WTF??" : )

pappy:

Great recap! I look at the pic of sawyer with his mouth agape and I think "LEROOOOOOOOOOOOOOY....JEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENKINSSSSSSSS....

lol

Lady_Ace:

PS - funniest quote of the recap:

La Penis is like, *points at self* "Too drunk to give a shit!"


hahaha. I always thought "La Penis" too, or "La Pedis" from "Zenon: Girl of the 21st Century" on Disney(anyone know what i'm talking about?) Her quote was "Zedis La Pedis!" ... (which I took to mean as "Jesus fuckin christ!"...)

Snootchy Bootches:

Um... The recap had its funny moments and all (though a bit like reading a comic book), but I miss the ones with the theories etc. I love snarking on skanks on a bus, but for Lost the joy was in swapping theories etc in the comments.

I don't get the chance to watch Lost at the same time as people in the US so I can't listen to Greybishop and Flip. :(

angiemarie:

Hilarious! I can't wait for next week's recap.

Snootchy, don't worry there will be another recap by greybishop with theories and stuff.

Snootchy Bootches:

Are you sure? Flip just said they would have a podcast not a recap. Plus, it would seem weird for them to have 2 recaps, ya know?

kristy:

I really like the recaps they had because I feel like I need the recaps to actually understand what was going on.

I thought I remembered that grebishop had a website from something he posted last summer. You can google "greybishop" and "lost" and top results are his blog. Sorry I can't post links.

Good job ACK, very different perspective.

flipit:

grey is still recapping the full season at his site in addition to doing the weekly podcast here. it's greybishop.blogspot.com! check him out. i will link to his recaps every week with the radio post.

thanks, ack. this shit was hilarious. i laughed myself into a lung collapse. thanks for reading, guys!

ack_attack:

Thanks again, guys! I'm so glad you're liking the format :D

bBitz:

Loved it! And your last comment couldn't sum up this show any more perfectly!

Snootchy Bootches:

Thanks Flip!

Charlotte:

I have to admit, I don't find this to be in the least bit funny. It's all very easy, obvious humor. And it's not a recap. It's captioning.

thatguy:

Long time reader, first time poster.

I guess you need to be under 30 to get the humor. Too bad for me.

Good luck, Ack.

P.S. Thanks for the pointer to GrayBishop's blog Flipit!

Anonymous:

First off: who loads their knives in the dishwasher all blades-up like that? I mean in a show where all these supernatural things are going on, all I can think is, who loads a dishwasher that way?

Ack, I'm going to have to get used to your style, but it was pretty funny in an ADHD kind of way (my native tongue).

pixielated:

Anon, I think some people load their knives that way so that the blades don't get dull from bumping against stuff in the basket (and the sides of the basket). Doesn't seem safe, though.

Of course, if you are really picky about your knives, you don't wash them in the dishwasher.

Carawatches2muchTV:

Wow...I'm not gonna get picky since I've been away for quite awhile...but I too, wasn't quite sure about this format...but by screen 3 I was not only convinced, but in love and laughing my butt off...but yes, I do miss GreyB's insight into the inner "code" of LOST ( and fully intend to look that up) but ...I gotta say... really enjoyed this post!

BlahBlah:

Ditto Charlotte. I came here to understand wtf I just saw...no clues here.

ThatGuy, I'm under 30 and still me no likey.

Thanks for the link, Flipit.

rostlaube:

I'm way over 30 and I cried from laughing, when I read this recap....

smolls:

Funny recap, Ack!
But I tend to like a little more meat & taters in my recaps when it comes to Lost since there's always so much stuff I seem to miss even when I'm paying close attention.

Thanks for the link, Flipit - I'll definitely be checking Greybishop's site for the more serious & confusing side of Lost and will definitely pop in to laugh at Ack's recaps!

kikz:

OMG!

haven't chk'd in w/y'all for awhile..

too funny..

weekend @ bernie's..

LOL!!

great review!!!!!

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