Make me a supertease
This week on Bravo's MAKE ME A SUPERMODEL, the models do a weird, netty underwater shoot. Salome overcomes her fear of the water (thanks, Mennonite parents!) and Branden gets cockier than ever when faced with not having the best photo. The go-see is for People's Revolution, and Salome is also stifling her career with her tremendous ass. Then some beer pong and drinky-drinks go down and the drama that is Amanda and Gabe becomes a little more ridiculous. The catwalk is about the elements, too, with women dressed as red hot ladie-fires and the men in cool, whitish suits. Yeah, baby!
Hey Bitches- sorry for the late recap, I was busy wrestling water bison for the Smirnoff Vodka fortune. And hey, I won. So, I'm gonna have a lot of free time to do shit like court hot men and write recaps. Don't you worry!
Anyhoo, we start this episode with Gabriel wondering why he's always in the BOTTOM. Yeah, big fucking mystery. Hug Amanda and keep wondering with that glorious vacant pout of yours.
At the same time, everyone's reeling over the loss of their precious CJ, who Gabe jokes about. "She will be missed...just kidding. She's not going to be missed." Good one, Gabe!
Like a typical model morning, Jonathan reads the next photo shoot email...apparently he's the only one who can read, or at least use a computer, because he always seems like the computer-to-model go-between. Oh Jonathan- you aren't just a model! You're an ambassador of weekly challenges!
No, silly. Computers won't work under water.
Sorry, I mean the challenge is something that has to do with being underwater. of course, Ex-mennonite freaks because water's the devil's chambermaid. Or, some shit like that. Starburst is happy in his creepy little way, because he's "water people." Whatever that means, Mr. Sea Monkey.
Meanwhile, the models truck out to some random backyard.
Looks like Wisconsin.
Nicole and Tyson look like disinterested Russian bourgeoisie. Oh, except for Tyson. He's black, so that doesn't have much historical congruence.
My Bad.
Actually, Tyson looks a lot like those HIV test billboards with Blair Underwood on them. I mean, they're both attractive black men with smarmy leather jackets on and take themselves way to seriously.
For the whole billboard, stop by Hollywood and Highland.
But I digress. And hey, looks like we have a new awkward looking eighth grader to pick up where CJ left off....
Still life with Kerryn, 8th grader and Angrier-face eskimo
Tyson and Nicole introduce the models to Howard Schatz...unfortunate last name. Heh. heh. When he's doing his underwater photo shoots, do people jokingly yell, "Somebody, Schatz in the pool! Please, somebody Schatz in the pool!" heh. Yeah, whatever, he shot for the New Yorker. I'm classy.
Schatz gets in the pool (heheheh) and teaches the models to breath underwater, right after he teaches them how to regrow limbs and make a non-fat snickers bar. You know, they need to be ready for their fashion-y shoot with bright colored nets, right?
Salome is having a hard time, and Gabe and Amanda make fun of her.
No, you guys, really. She was like, coughing and stuff!
Colin is glad that the models don't have to wear bathing suits, "Not because we don't have bathing suit bodies." Ah, Colin, you really are learning the snarkiness that defines the modeling industry.
Jonathon goes first, and naturally blows the competition out of the water. Get it? Well, mostly just Salome, who was weeping poolside. It's weird, though, because Jonathan always seems to get photos where he looks angry. Don't y'all think?
wrestling match with a yellow net. Click! Pretty.
Starburst is next, but before he goes of course he creepily whispers Tobaganese sayings into Salome's ear.
Mind if I whisper at you and clutch your ass before my shoot?
Starburst gets a big 'ol net for, I dunno, his heritage as being a "water person?" Amanda is next, and, as usual, performs with grace and fastidiousness.
Cameramen, watch your fingers.
Lovely Colin goes after Amanda, I'd get in under a net in a pool any day. Yeah, with my famous hyperventilation technique. Use your imagination, people!
Muahahaha is next, and does a good 'ol sexy job. I know, right? Mouhahaha, sexy? Brandon parlays his own sense of uh, individuality into the shot next. Schitz tells him to look pretty, and of course, that's what he does best, BITCH! Man, this kid is a Rhodes Scholar.
Brandon looks like a dead constipated soldier in his picture, which I guess is....sexy?
Meh.
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Comments (6)
Jordan looked slightly annoyed in her underwater shot. Salome should have won, and not just because she overcame her fears.
This show has taught me something I did not know: pouting is not an asset in modeling. From the looks on the runway, I would have thought Gabe was in like Flynn.
Is it just me, or does Amanda look old for 21?
1 of 6 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on April 14, 2009 12:46 AM
"Yeah, because nothing says fuck me now like an awkward fish-man handing out pictures of himself at the local pub."
LOL, I love you this week, Monamonzano. Adore! (Though, I'll be honest and offer to rid him of that bothersome virginity if he handed me an Aquaman card. Colin is such a cutie.)
"Then, in an AWESOME conversation, Jordan thinks everyone's getting a big head and implores Salome to tell her if she ever gets too egotistical."
I loved Salome's face when Jordan said that. Hahahahahahahah.
Salome had a great week, quip wise and I loved her photo much more than Jordan's which looked a bit blank-ballerina underwater to me.
"Insert any variety of jokey captions here. Cripes."
But why insert a caption when Amanda's pictorial insertion could have coined the phrase "A picture says a thousand words"? She could always try modeling for 1-900 numbers if her Umma bangs don't work on this show.
OK, someone explain to me why they had to keep Hosea the Hoser and Leah the Stalker around on Top Chef despite being crap b/c of their noisy make-out drama, but Gabe gets bounced before Amanda gets to boink him? How is that fair? Build up to flat nothing, that was, Editors. You suck.
Granted, Gabe sucked, too, but I would rather see his abs and pout than Angrier Face's gap-teeth and snarl of evil for one more week. Pssh.
2 of 6 | Posted by jennaboa | Posted on April 14, 2009 10:39 AM
This was so hysterical, Mona, I'm heading to Bonerville, hehehe!!!
Gotta agree that angrier face doesn't have much to offer, tho I think she'd be fun to hang with, but a model . . . well, have to say I loved it when the photographer, whatever his name is, on panel with the costumes said, "You like that fish pout look!"
Can't we all picture Gabe with a baby bottle in mouth and drool on the bib, the pain!!! I hear he's got some hot photos on My space . . . and Amanda, you're on TV girl, if you're going to flex your throat, make it worthwhile, K! Call me crazy, and maybe I'm just gay, but deep throating a beer bottle just looks gaggy to me, and doesn't sent me to Boner town! Nor does sucking my finger do it for me, is this TMI, coz seriously, it's everything I can do not to make a squinty angrier face expression and even harder to suppress a giant, ewwww!
I really liked sandburst at first, but there's something bugging me now, I'm liking the mennonite more each week, and if she lost some badoink, I think she could take this whole thing ( away from Jonathan ie) Her pic was waaaaaay better than bitchy Jordan's, but, could they send her on a go-see, for reals . . . glad to see her hit the treadmill, but for the record, I think having models be emaciated is stupid and servers no one!!! Haaruuummmpphhh!
3 of 6 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on April 14, 2009 11:52 AM
Actually, Brazilians speak Portugese.
But anyways, how ironic was it when Jordan started whining about Amanda & Gabe's high-schoolness, when MISS BITCH IS THE ESSENSE OF HIGH SCHOOL!
And I agree that Salome should've won. That was an awesome picture. Colin's was very good as well. I don't see floppy hands or fins, at all.
4 of 6 | Posted by hutchlover | Posted on April 14, 2009 4:52 PM
Oh, Gaby Baby, you beautiful, beautiful chunk of wood. Why did you have to be so boring? Who's going to float my boat now? (I'll leave Colin to you ladies who buy into his "I'm a virgin" schtick. I don't. He's probably lost his virginity a few times already to people like Kerryn and Angrier Face.) And, didn't this elimination seem to be the most foregone conclusion ever in a reality TV show?
Jennaboa, damn you, you went there in the AI board... although I have to say that, just as I agree with you that Bryan Adams is lame but I (not so secretly) love him, I totally agree with your post here, especially the last two paragraphs. *Urp*ugh*yack* thanks for reminding me of the Leah-Hoser *gag* hookup.
Monamonzano, keep up the good work, thanks for all the screengrabs, you made my day!
5 of 6 | Posted by sayhuh | Posted on April 16, 2009 10:04 AM
sayhuh: Oh, yeah, I went there. Bryan Adams is easy to love if you are female because he's like a romance novel pirate come to life, saying all the dashing things you want Johnny Depp (or pick your pirate poison) to say to you. *sigh* Reality: the men who say these things are usually scam artists who got their hints from The Rules and Bryan Adams. Wankers, all. :)
Sorry about the LeaHoser reminder, especially to anyone who might have been eating, but I feel for poor Amanda who was really reeling Gaby Baby in w/ her coquette-le-cock act. That was a lot of hard flirting gone to waste and no rock-hard abs to play with in the end. Terrible, terrible. Learn the lesson, ladies: Don't draw the flirt out too long, or you may lose lover-boy to the fickle fates (or Tyson, whatever).
6 of 6 | Posted by jennaboa | Posted on April 17, 2009 9:21 AM