Squaring off the group is Bryan Abrams of Color Me Badd, best known for the song "I Wanna Sex You Up" in 1991. Bryan has gone through the most noticable physical change of the four guys -- in that he's the size of four guys. He's still cute in that oafish teddy bear kind of way, but he's definitely a BIG dude now.
"Please, it's an emergency! You gotta know where the nearest In-and-Out Burger is!!!"
The producers, never too subtle, cut to Bryan wearing jorts and rolling around spare tires in a warehouse. Evidently this is his job, having blown through or been swindled out of all of his earnings from the group. Bryan tells us he's a recovering alcoholic and has no control when it comes to booze (and burgers). He's nervous about going into the house with that drunk Kirkpatrick, and will do whatever he has to to stay sober. Which of course means this man will be blacking out by the end of either this episode or the next.
The sepia effect tells us this is very, very serious
Bryan's family's financial stability seems to hinge on the success of the Man Band as we're introduced to his adorable baby girl and told that he just found out his wife is pregnant with their second child. The wife tells us that she hopes to pay off their bills with this experience. Let's just hold off on any major purchases for now, mmkay? And you might want to start rationing the food, just in case.
Finally it's time for the guys to move in Chez Kirkpatrick. As the guys greet each other Chris narrates that he hopes their styles will gel. Since they were all manufactured by money-hungry music execs, I don't see that as being much of a problem. Chris also tells us out of context that sometimes when he flashes back he's like "agggh what was I thinking?!" I'm not positive what he was referring to, but I have an inkling it was this:
Yikes
Chris gives everyone the grand tour, and the guys ooh and ahh over their personalized comforters, each of which features a gigantic photo of their face. There's nothing like sleeping under an enlarged picture of your nostrils. You know Tyra's making calls right now and is going to have 13 matching ones in the ANTM house this cycle. Rich notices an envelope marked "KM" on the outside and reads the enclosed letter to the group.
The letter says that a management company is conveniently interested in the Man Band, and each of the guys should review the enclosed sheet music before a meeting with KM that evening. The boys bitch and moan that they don't want to audition for a manager. They're totally right. Why should singers have to sing for a music executive who will help determine if they will be paid to sing? KM is so full of crap. The guys decide to refuse to sing if KM asks them to.
The brain trusts arrives at the dinner meeting with KM, who turns out to be a woman named Katie McNeil. What a riveting twist! What's next-- did Vh1 switch the dinner fork with the salad fork on the place settings?! I'm overcome with excitement at the possibilities!
Rich describes Katie as pretty, but also intimidating and bitchy. To be fair, Katie is wearing horn-rimmed glasses, the universal sign of Domineering Bitch. The guys take their seats as Rich totally looks like he's about to keel over.
Ack! Don't die on us! Happy thoughts, happy thoughts!
Katie doesn't waste any time establishing herself as the villian of this show. She tells the guys that everyone at her company thinks she's lost her mind in working with them, that she doesn't want to do any cheesy boy band material, and that she doesn't even really know who any of them are or know their music. However she conceeds that since they've sold over 40 million records amongst them, they must not be the talentless morons she took them for. Bryan and Chris look like they're going to cry, Jeff is clearly contemplating murder, and Rich just oogles Katie's sweater monkeys.
"It's not that you "suck" exactly... it's that you're "really really bad." You see the difference?
And so comes the moment of truth as Katie dares to ask the guys to sing. Everyone refuses at first (Jeff even fabricates a never-before-mentioned loss of voice), until Chris cracks under Katie's steely-eyed gaze and gives in. Too many years of licking the dirt off Justin's boots has taken its toll as Chris is clearly a total pansy.
« Clipgasm: Some People Pray to God, Some People Pray to the Wardrobe Department | Main | Big Brother: Donnie Darko Edition »
Comments (11)
Great job LoLo!
I won't watch the show but I'll definitely look forward to your recaps!
"That was so touching I had a tear in my eye. Oh wait. Just lint, nevermind." hilarious.
1 of 11 | Posted by sweetblondie
|
Posted on August 8, 2007 12:35 PM
Pretty good, LoLo. If I may make one suggestion (and this is a little nitpicky, I realize) but, well...you have A LOT of pictures going on, and not much text. Pictures are fun, but maybe you can flesh the text out a little?
Anyway, still good. As for the show...does anyone else find it so weird that a guy from Color Me Badd is there? While the other guys haven't been relevant for awhile, he hasn't been for a good 15 years. Seriously. Hire one of those girl-boys from Hanson or something.
Also, I know it's been awhile but whenever I look at Chris Kirkpatrick, I think: grown man with braces.
2 of 11 | Posted by Joe Blow
|
Posted on August 8, 2007 2:38 PM
'Singing for a manager: degrading, unacceptable. 6th grade Native American field trip: last one to the teepee is a rotten egg? Wtf?'
Hah! Awesome recap, LoLo! I'm hooked. I said it before and I'll say it again, Tvgasm is back on track with a fantastic group of new recappers. Thanks for the laughs.
3 of 11 | Posted by bdos88
|
Posted on August 8, 2007 7:24 PM
LoLo,
I thought this recap was great the way it was! Don't change a thing in my opinion - as long as it's funny (as yours truly was) just keep up the great work.
"I came prepared in case our next bonding activity's branding cattle at the O.K. Corral" was the best screencap.
I can't wait to see the episode where they're booed out of the arena they were singing in (it was shown in the season preview).
4 of 11 | Posted by Krizzatch
|
Posted on August 9, 2007 7:23 AM
I'll be watching the show AND reading the recaps. Great job!!
I am surprised that you didn't touch on the footage that went along with Jeff saying he spends a lot of time in his studio. That "studio" was a bunch of sound equipment at the end of a bed in a bedroom. That was some funny stuff.
Oh how I love me some bad tv!
5 of 11 | Posted by angie
|
Posted on August 9, 2007 9:03 AM
I'll be watching the show AND reading the recaps. Great job!!
I am surprised that you didn't touch on the footage that went along with Jeff saying he spends a lot of time in his studio. That "studio" was a bunch of sound equipment at the end of a bed in a bedroom. That was some funny stuff.
Oh how I love me some bad tv!
6 of 11 | Posted by angie
|
Posted on August 9, 2007 9:13 AM
Thanks everyone! I really appreciate your feedback -- both good and bad -- so keep it coming!
Haha Angie, I knew the studio was at his parents' house but I didn't realize it was in a bedroom! That's fantastic. I just assumed it was down in the basement, the domain of all self-respecting 30-something-year-old men living with their parents.
And Krizzatch, I too am looking forward to that episode but I'm also kind of dreading it as well... I admit I do have a soft spot for these guys (well not Jeff, he can suck it).
If anyone's interested, the group has a MySpace page where they have video blogs currently posted and I'm sure they will put their music up at some point too:
http://www.myspace.com/sureshotband
7 of 11 | Posted by LoLo
|
Posted on August 9, 2007 1:13 PM
http://community.livejournal.com/ohnotheydidnt/14557282.html
fantastic gossip about Rich Cronin
8 of 11 | Posted by elle__p
|
Posted on August 11, 2007 9:04 PM
Great recap LoLo!
I caught the middle of this episode the other day and had no idea what it was about at first. I hadn't heard any hype about it beforehand which leads you to realize just how washed up these guys really are.
That Color Me Badd guy needs to give up the manicured bearage - it's just not a good look.
And I have NEVER seen the attraction of Chris Kirkpatrick. What a total tool.
I can almost understand their hesitancy to sing for the faux manager. I mean when you are already filming the reality show of your comeback it's a safe bet that you are going to have a manager with or without a singing audition.
Still - I loved that she made them grovel before her.
9 of 11 | Posted by TinkerbellAPixie
|
Posted on August 12, 2007 7:46 AM
Awesome recap. I was tearing up I was laughing so hard.
"However she conceeds that since they've sold over 40 million records amongst them, they must not be the talentless morons she took them for." More than half of that has to go to Chris (or, more accurately, Justin and JC ;) ). I mean, how many records could LFO have sold?
Here's a fun piece of pointless trivia: Rich's brother Mike managed O-Town.
Can't wait for your recap of last night's show!
10 of 11 | Posted by kristin_d_l
|
Posted on August 14, 2007 1:01 PM
I did not watch this show yet, but the recap is hilarious! I remember Chris from N*Sync and those hideous braids he used to have. Thank God he got rid of them.
Best part of the recap was the "I know he said Chinese food makes him sick, I didn't realize it gave him cancer" comment. I may go to hell for it, but I laughed for a good five minutes.
11 of 11 | Posted by dmbislove
|
Posted on August 15, 2007 8:48 AM