So, Megan got her own show proving that VH1 hates us. They hate you, they hate me, they hate our sanity. Case in point:
Life sucks. This chick with a face only a frying pan could love gets to receive gifts galore, take exotic vacations on someone else's dime and pour Chardonnay down her throat while the rest of us who don't sound like a cross between a Fargo slut and a beach bum have to trudge away in life, earning our keep like normal people do- without our legs behind our ears.
She has 17 millionaires to choose from, each one more dashing than the last, and has a butler/narrator named Nigel to help her through it all. He's got the suit, the white gloves, the British accent and...............a credit card machine. Wow. I did not know that hoes were taking credit these days. Way to be an entrepreneur, Megan!
Megan Hauserman. Let's very briefly recap her crap. She got bounced from Rock of Love, lost on I Love Money and now, several dozen bikinis later, she wants nothing more than to be a trophy wife. I believe that she also picked up a degree in something or other from DeVry so she's not completely stupid, she's just lazy. Do you totally love her yet?
The
producers also gave her a lovely Tudor mansion to call home, a giant
leap in quality from the other _____ of Love shows, on whose steps she
now stands awaiting her many suitors along with the true star of the
show, the incomparable Lily. Let me just say for the record that I love
Lily. She is constantly sticking her tongue out at her master and if
she pees on Megan just once, I promise to drive out to L.A. and rescue
her. They better keep that lttle bitch happy. I suggest filet mignon
for breakfast and douche hearts for dinner.
Let's meet the dorks.
The
first guy isn't too bad, his name is T.J. and at first I thought that
he was a bit generic and looked too much like Michael Lohan but then he
opened his mouth and declared that he earned his fortune by making
vodka. 6.5 million dollars worth of vodka. He better not win this
travesty of a show because he's mine.
Next
up is Shaun. They call him the southern gentleman which is a polite way
of saying that he's got no game. He earned his 2 million clams by
customizing exotic cars, so he works for people richer than he is so on
the upside, if she picks him and it doesn't work out, an upgrade can't
be too far away. And why does he have a checked tablecloth around his
neck? Is he planning on wooing her Yogi style with a picnic of ant
covered chicken salad sandwiches and warm soda?
There's
a goombah in la casa and his name is Big Mike. He says that he's a
private investor and he's worth 2 mil. He looks like hired muscle. He
is gigantic and I pray to God that he sticks around and someone gets
him mad enough to go all Joe Pesci in Goodfellas
head-slammed-in-a-car-door on their ass.
Garth
is a douchebag. You knew that there had to be at least one, didn't you?
He is the googly eyed owner of a plumbing company that may or may not
be on coke. He loves Ed Hardy and he rags on Megan's lazy eye. He
reminds me of someone.......oh yeah, the horny pervert in the
neighborhood that can't keep his hands off underage girls. He's got 2.5
million smackers for overcharging people too stupid not to flush
non-biodegradable products down their toilets.
Joe has a trust fund worth ten mil. Finally, some real
money. I think that he's Italian so the only girl he's ever loved is
his mamma, mostly because of her meatballs and sausage & peppers.
Yes, I am trying to say that he's a flaming homersexual. He acts like a
nervous five year old, complete with a request to use the bathroom.
Girls must loosen his urethral sphincter, unlike boys who loosen his
other one. But 10 mil? Dayum, I'd look the other way when he invites
the guys over for a night of Cosmopolitans and Sex and the City reruns,
no problem. I'd even help him pick out his latest roll in hay at the
local gay bar
.
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Comments (22)
OMG, Donald creeped me out so much that I turned all the lights on in my house. SO many weird things about that peepaw. Like how he just tried sooo hard with the pop culture references which led me to believe that he watches more TV than me. If that's the case then this musty ass old man must produce a movie once every ten years to be able to watch more tv than me.
Audi seemed more middle eastern TRYING to look latino. Persians and hispanics are interchangable. Besides, Audi is no Mercedes so I doubt his parents named him after the car...unless there's a Pinto out there that can dispute this.
All the rest are gross. I would have to be drunk to make out with any of them. Strange enough...the gay trust fund kid is the cutest of them all.
BTW, did Big Pun have HAIR!!! growing out of that birthmark or was that my cheap ass TV?
1 of 22 | Posted by uglycutie | Posted on August 7, 2009 12:40 AM
OMFG what a train wreck... Twunty my darling, I am so glad you're recapping this because I don't think I can bear to really pay attention to watch. I'll watch it between my fingers, kinda like when you have to smoosh a bug but don't want to see the icky guts.
And honestly, shit, I'm single, but I'd rather die surrounded by five years of newspapers and 47 cats than date one of those loser guys if _that_ is the kind of girl they want. *gag**gag*
2 of 22 | Posted by teri00 | Posted on August 7, 2009 4:33 AM
You cannot get a green card by marrying a US citizen anymore. Funny if he got deported for fraud by some INS agent watching this show.
3 of 22 | Posted by shell2001 | Posted on August 7, 2009 4:51 AM
This can't be worse than Charm School, so I'm in!
I think Megan only got her own show to avoid a "Sharon Osbourne beat my ass on national TV" lawsuit.
4 of 22 | Posted by here4beer | Posted on August 7, 2009 5:50 AM
Thank you for the hilarious recap.
And your forgetting that Meghan's first claim to fame was on Beauty and the Geek, Cecile was her sidekick on that show. that chick is a bigger douche than Meghan.
5 of 22 | Posted by mvelis | Posted on August 7, 2009 6:46 AM
Twunty, I totally hear you on parents spelling their children's names wrong...or naming them after inanimate objects... My sister is a teacher and has had some funny encounters with names...a family where children were named after beer brands as well as 2 brothers who were named Orangejello & Lemonjello - pronounced or-ON-jil-o and le-MON-jil-o respectively. But my favorite of all time was Le-ah pronounced Lee "dash" uh. Yes, you actually said dash... This show is terrible, but your recaps are hilarious. Thanks for the laughs :)
6 of 22 | Posted by LNNC92 | Posted on August 7, 2009 7:16 AM
Eek, the producers must really HATE Megan! She must be pure evil to get clowned this bad. They also picked a douche parade for Daisy, but at least some of them were hot. If these were the only men left on earth I'd become a nun.
Also, 1.1 million? 2.5 million? Chump change. Only the gay one is anywhere near rich enough to put up with his creepy ass. We are talking J Howard Marshall money with some of these dudes.
7 of 22 | Posted by spinal11 | Posted on August 7, 2009 7:19 AM
@ LNNC92:
What is up with that Orangejello and Lemonjello story? I've probably heard that story 50 times in different areas of the country. Any time you bring up the weird naming trend, everyone "knows somebody" who taught or took a class with these two boys. Are there just people all over the country naming their kids Orangejello and Lemonjello?
8 of 22 | Posted by spinal11 | Posted on August 7, 2009 7:23 AM
And who hasn't heard of a million different people who named their kids Molly and Famolly, the actual spelling being Male and Female.
This show is bad. Megan has no personality to carry a show by herself. Daisy didn't need permanent sidekicks to tell her what to do. Hmmm, maybe that wouldn't have been such a bad idea. I might have to give this show up and watch Real Chance of Love.
9 of 22 | Posted by shelleyh | Posted on August 7, 2009 9:22 AM
mvelis: That's where I know that Cecil from. Figures her and Meghand would become besties.
Twunty, I think you're right, this might be the worst one yet, so count me in. Didn't think that was possible.
I saw the previews for this, but paid them no mind. Anyone who bites the object of affection and gets her to throw her own glass of wine on herself is a winner to me. I can't be bothered to look up his name, but yay for him.
10 of 22 | Posted by shantigal | Posted on August 7, 2009 9:27 AM
I'm going to second here4beer's thoughts about the whole Sharon Osbourne debacle. I can't think of any other reason that this vapid whore would deserve her own show.
Embarrassed to be Canadian right now. Really, the Canadian bacon bit? Ergh, how original, you giant douche. He must be from Quebec or something (just kidding!).
Loved the recap Twunty, and for some strange reason I'm looking forward to reading more (??). Kudos for the Chardonnay in the face capture and quip... If I had been drinking my tea at the time, it would have been snarfed all over my screen.
11 of 22 | Posted by Devlin | Posted on August 7, 2009 9:44 AM
Oh my god this show is absolutely horrible. I attempted to watch it the other day and couldn't get through five minutes of it. What is wrong with Megan? Wait that is question has too many answers, but who thought it would be a good idea to have her as the "star" of a show? She is so stiff and awkward when she talks which just makes each interaction with the various guys who are also socially inept, so much more cringe worthy. Oh it is just so painful to watch. If you can keep watching and recapping this show then I will keep reading the recaps because your damn funny. I just won't be watching the show. I think VH1 is the spawn of satan.
12 of 22 | Posted by reckless_saturn_11 | Posted on August 7, 2009 9:57 AM
Please, please, please, please keep recapping this...I don't watch it, but your rcaps are priceless!
13 of 22 | Posted by bluzgirl | Posted on August 7, 2009 10:30 AM
Absolutely keep up with the recaps, I have a feeling this is one of those shows that I'm going to really try to avoid, it will come on when I accidentally flip to it ... then dumber & dumber, I keep watching.
The Dirty Sanchez line was priceless!
14 of 22 | Posted by chelle | Posted on August 7, 2009 11:00 AM
@spinal 11
I totally agree with you on that name story - I'm so sick of hearing it - complete with backstory of mom can't decide on names & sees jello flavors on hospital menu. Must be a popular family becuz everyone knows them!
15 of 22 | Posted by ohionancy | Posted on August 7, 2009 11:03 AM
Maybe it's a Chicago thing, I've heard the Orangejello & Lemonjello story as well ... who knew that was the new John & Jane!? :)
Though I do have say for odd spellings, my little girl is Ryann (after my middle name, Ryan, after a maiden name in my family) and I LOVE LOVE LOVE it ... so clearly I'm biased. But then again, Ryann isn't also the name of a dessert :)
I thought the wine in the face was a little over-reaction, anyone else?
And I hate to be so hard on our dear Megan (ha!), but does anyone else get the impression that she is too shallow to go for any of these guys?
Love the recap & love the comments.
16 of 22 | Posted by chelle | Posted on August 7, 2009 11:07 AM
Twunty, anything you recap is gold. GOLD Jerry!! I'd follow you anywhere so hang in there...we'll be along for the ride.
I haven't had a chance to catch this little gem yet but I can already tell the awkwardness will be delightful. Meggers flips back and forth between loathsome and likable because of her loathsomeness for me.
I merely signed on to say that I also named my daughter Ryann like chelle did above me because I always dug the name and my middle name is Ann. (Christian Slater's ex-wife's name is Ryan...and for some reason that always stuck with me. Too much pop culture, I know). My daughter is almost 5, but now I'm considering changing it to Twunty.
17 of 22 | Posted by k37744 | Posted on August 7, 2009 1:17 PM
Sex Toy Dave, hahahaha!!!
18 of 22 | Posted by Nimabu | Posted on August 7, 2009 6:35 PM
What a great recap. I am a closet watcher. I am afraid the boyfriend will think I'm after his money! The dirty sanchez comment made me laugh my coffee out through my nose. Please keep writing!
19 of 22 | Posted by susana456 | Posted on August 9, 2009 8:12 AM
I don't care how cheesy this show is. I love Megan and think this could be a fun ride. Also, I am so likeing TJ for taking the "prize". Anyway, thank you twunty for recapping this for us. The things you do for love. I heart you big time! BTW is anyone recapping Real Chance of Love--that was actually pretty funny!xoxo
20 of 22 | Posted by nyc cookie | Posted on August 10, 2009 7:33 AM
Omfg,in a min megan should be called peggy bundy if she pick big mike,he looks like ed bundy,money just doesn't buy good looks anymore
21 of 22 | Posted by felisia n.o | Posted on August 16, 2009 6:04 PM
Joe looks like megan puppy always looking surprise,the stripper is fine but that birthmark looks like steve harvey top lip freaks me out.
22 of 22 | Posted by Anonymous | Posted on August 16, 2009 6:12 PM