Or, was taken, to be completely accurate, until his wife turned up dead.
You think that you know a douche, only to wake up and realize that YOU HAD NO IDEA. Wow. By now, you all have read the reports that Ryan married a "bikini model" in Vegas, strangled her, stuffed her corpse into a wee suitcase and heaved it into a dumpster. ALLEGEDLY.
As I type this, he is on the lam and probably holed up in his native land of Canadia, home town of Cheesedickerville. I hope that he is forced to hide out in the forest, only to be mistaken for real Canadian bacon and then becomes some grizzly's breakfast. Hopefully, the bear isn't too particular about what he eats because he's looking a little extra greeezy in this mug shot.
Also, why does he have a mug shot? When was this photo taken? So many questions. It's funny too because I was just remarking to Mr. McSlore that this week's episode was incredibly boring and I wasn't sure how I was going to fill up more than two pages. Ah, fate. It took a lemon and made us lemonade.
On with the show.
Gay Joe, who hasn't killed anybody, is getting advice from Double-O-Dave, who hasn't killed anything either unless you count my buzz, which he destroys every time he shows up on the screen. Dude is seriously overcompensating with all the bragging he does on this show.
He tells Joe to quit being a friend if he wants to stick around. I'm thinking that he should go over the top with his behavior, maybe jump up and down on a couch or two, it works for some people, I hear, or am I being too glib?
I also think that he should get his own show, they could call it "Bearding for Dollars" or "'Hey girl!' of Love."
I would recap the SHIT out of that show. Heck, I'd probably audition.
Canadian Bacon is busy in the backyard dispensing some wisdom of his own. Not "Never go all Robert Blake on her ass," or "using the rough sex excuse." It's more along the lines of "Can you smell what the douche is cooking." No offense to The Rock. Or Robert Chambers, for that matter.
He has narrowed women down to three types which is totally not sexist in any way, and they are- Princesses, Betties and Players. He plans to have this manifesto printed and bound and named, "The Ins and Outs- A Players Guide to Success," but there's been a little change of title at his publishers, I hear.
I smell a best seller.
Our challenge this week is to come up with a business plan to make the HBIC, Lily, a billionaire. My idea, unfortunately, wasn't used. I would take that sexy bitch, set her up with Maro Testino or Steven Klein and put her on a million birthday, anniversary and graduation cards, thereby single handedly reviving the greeting card industry.
We could do ethnic ones and different religious backgrounds because after all, Lily's appeal is universal.
Here's what these lame asses come up with- spa products and more fucking spa products. For dogs. Stooooopid. These guys are so out of touch. People can barely afford to feed their mutts, let alone spend billions of dollars in massages and creams.
The only idea that is worth a damn is Canadian Bacon's, of course. You knew that was coming, didn't you? His idea is a little food and water dispensor for high maintenance biotches to carry in their blimp hangar sized purses so that they can feed their teacup doggies on the patio at the Ivy instead of at home, like everybody else.
It's easier to carry around than a water dish, at any rate, and I could see it selling a decent quantity, at least until it's novelty wore off and it got co-opted by all kinds of people, including douchebags.
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Comments (30)
Hey All,
I wrote this yesterday and have since been informed that MWAM is no longer going to be aired. (thanks, mariabird)
So, a tragedy has taken a guilty pleasure off of the TV, and I found out that his mugshot was from a prior arrest on domestic violence charges. Somebody didn't get properly vetted before being cast, hmmmmm, or they just didn't care. We'll see.
Kisses
Twunty
1 of 30 | Posted by twunty mcslore | Posted on August 20, 2009 11:54 AM
This shizzit is crazy!!! I was told today by a friend that Ryan was the winner of I Love Money 3 and ran off to Vegas and married this woman. Obviously, ILM 3 will not be aired now either!
2 of 30 | Posted by wintersux | Posted on August 20, 2009 12:37 PM
It's just as well, since Gay Joe is gone and he was my favorite!
3 of 30 | Posted by slutty_whore | Posted on August 20, 2009 12:40 PM
There goes my guilty pleasure show. What grossness thought, right?
Last I heard, as of 3:30 PM EST Aug 20th. Canadian Bacon may be on the lam in Canada. Supposedly, he made it over the border before shit went down.
4 of 30 | Posted by Yanksfan24 | Posted on August 20, 2009 12:58 PM
" TV, and I found out that his mugshot was from a prior arrest on domestic violence charges."
Remember just because someone was arrested doesn't meant they were found guilty or even did it.
He may have had an explanation that when checked out turned out to be valid so they figured the guy got a bum rap.
Lots of people who haven't been arrested for domestic violence charges have murdered the person they were married to. Men and women fall under this category.
"Supposedly, he made it over the border before shit went down.
"
Not that hard to flee when you have money and well lots of places in the US border you can just walk to the other side of town and you are in Canada. Don't need to use or have a passport either for these border crossings. Hundreds of thousands of them happen everywhere. Yes that's right several towns one side of the street is the US the other side is Canada. This also happens to certain towns on the US/Mexico border as well. It's one reason why border fences or walls are completly fracking useless.
5 of 30 | Posted by yeschef | Posted on August 20, 2009 1:33 PM
The domestic violence charges actually came after he was cast, during the summer. He was a finalist in the series, and was cast off before the end, went to vegas, married this girl two days later. he must've been really desparate for that green card.
At least now we know why he told Megan that she wouldn't have to sign a prenup...
6 of 30 | Posted by ripper | Posted on August 20, 2009 1:37 PM
You know it's bad when a friend stops working to text you reality television news ... yikes!
I could care less about Megan (I'm saving brain cells by not watching) but what about our Twunty recaps? I need more advice to getting myself some fine joorey (I'm totally using the hot house wife idea - classic!!) :)
7 of 30 | Posted by chelle | Posted on August 20, 2009 1:51 PM
Dumbass Bacon, Canada has an extradition treaty with the U.S.
I don't know why they couldn't continue to air the show, episodes 4 onward. He gets eliminated in episode 3.
Was "I Love Money" the reality show he traveled to Mexico for? They mentioned that in one of the news stories.
RIP Jasmine (Mrs. Bacon).
8 of 30 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on August 20, 2009 2:16 PM
I never thought it would get canceled this early, but I'm happy that it did.
9 of 30 | Posted by nerrawllehctim | Posted on August 20, 2009 2:43 PM
I hate to be callous. But you know that execs at VH1 are celebrating this turn of events. They were looking for any excuse to cancel this show. But I agree we need more of Twunty. I hope that you can continue to find work at Tvgasm.
10 of 30 | Posted by reckless_saturn_11 | Posted on August 20, 2009 2:59 PM
I have to say that he was convicted before the show for beating a GF, so no, VH1 did not properly vet him:
Ryan Alexander Jenkins -- the husband of Jasmine Fiore, who was found last Saturday strangled to death and stuffed in a suitcase -- was convicted in 2007 in Calgary, Canada. The woman he assaulted is Faern Jewell, his girlfriend at the time.
Jenkins' sentence included 15 months probation and mandatory counseling for "psychological/domestic violence/coping skills."
As for the "coping skills," he was ordered to attend outpatient treatment at a hospital for sex addiction
Ugh, what can I say? I do happen to own some nice knives, have some experience in shooting a gun and have no problem torturing a douche with electrical shocks, whips and/or Heidi Montag music videos. Sadly, I am in Ohio, not Western Canada.
Frack!
11 of 30 | Posted by twunty mcslore | Posted on August 20, 2009 3:15 PM
Oh, and I will be back, as long as Flipit and all of you will have me.
I'm just not sure what to recap next, hmmmmm. America's Most Wanted?
12 of 30 | Posted by twunty mcslore | Posted on August 20, 2009 3:39 PM
Last heard his car was found in Whatcom County---MY county, which is in Washington State, right on the Canadian border. They are assuming he crossed the border on foot. At least he's out of the country?
13 of 30 | Posted by oodle_noodle | Posted on August 20, 2009 11:12 PM
Is it wrong that I'm upset that they're not airing the rest of the episodes? What trash will I watch now?
The company that casted him (not VH1, 51 Minds) admits to not having done a thorough enough background on him & didnt know he was convicted of assaulting a girlfriend. Nice job there.
Wow. I know way too much about this....
14 of 30 | Posted by yeknom | Posted on August 21, 2009 9:45 AM
i just read online that her fingers and teeth were gone..the bastard probably thought he could get away with murder by removing two things they identify you by..poor girl, thats awful...
15 of 30 | Posted by loves2play05 | Posted on August 21, 2009 11:41 AM
Is it true that they identified the body by the serial numbers on her implants or am I hallucinating? Haven't been sleeping well lately....
16 of 30 | Posted by twunty mcslore | Posted on August 21, 2009 11:53 AM
This is all so creepy and disgusting and sad. twunty, you could just recap the escapades of Canadian Bacon and let us know all the latest. It would probably be more interesting than MWAM was anyway, haha.
There's always My Antonio, which I watched and found to be pretty ridiculous. Or Tool Academy is starting soon, too.
17 of 30 | Posted by here4beer | Posted on August 21, 2009 1:02 PM
Pacemakers, hip replacements, artifical legs all have serial numbers on them. It's from when they were manufactored.
Dental surgery can also have serial markers on crowns etc that you have to use a magnifying glass or microscope to see.
Breast implants to identify who the person was has been done in episodes of law and order same with pacemakers.
18 of 30 | Posted by yeschef | Posted on August 21, 2009 1:28 PM
AiYaiYai, this will not end! Someone just told me that Pervy was on Celebrity Rehab singing "Sex Mode" to Mary Carey. AND he claimed to be sober.
Weirder and weirder, folks.
19 of 30 | Posted by twunty mcslore | Posted on August 21, 2009 1:56 PM
I just went to the source of all knowledge, i.e. Wikipedia, and it says that she WAS identified by the serial number in her implants. Guess this dude didn't watch that episode of L&O. Anyways, I didn't watch the show but this is creepy as hell!! I also don't understand the point of not airing the show if he was eliminated already. Nancy Grace was just discussing this case, you know she loves these gory cases which got me thinking if something like this will change reality shows in anyway?
20 of 30 | Posted by Nimabu | Posted on August 21, 2009 5:53 PM
Ick. This whole thing is SO disturbing. I think we'll all feel a bit better when the bacon is safe and sound in the arms of some lonely convict. Though I'm guessing he offs himself and they find him hanging in a rundown Canadian motel room or deep in the woods. That's the only logical answer at this point.
Speaking of Ohio and bodies stuffed in unfortunate places, recently there was a little-publicized body found in the dumpster behind one shoppe of grog, ifyouknowwhati'msayin Twunty. Sick fucks all over the place. Keep out of the alleys.
So how do you love someone enough to marry them and then kill them all in the course of two months? That is some seriously gnarly shit.
21 of 30 | Posted by k37744 | Posted on August 21, 2009 6:55 PM
"you know she loves these gory cases which got me thinking if something like this will change reality shows in anyway?
"
Maybe maybe not. As for not deciding to rest the of the series it's called legal trouble. Since the company 51 minds that produced the show and did the background checks admit it didn't catch the fact the guy had an arrest record further viewings of the episodes that net money from advertisers etc could wind up in a lawsuit so VH1 doesn't want that to happen.
"So how do you love someone enough to marry them and then kill them all in the course of two months?"
It's not that uncommon to be honest. Usually most people wait a year or two before offing the other person and making it look like an accident rather then some grisly killing and hackenyed escape that implies an act of rage was behind it.
22 of 30 | Posted by yeschef | Posted on August 21, 2009 7:57 PM
I agree,k37744: that is not my definition of love. I think this guy is attracted to busty blondes but has obvious issues with women, since he seems to be prone to beating them up. According to Jasmine Fiore's mother, they had a "volatile" relationship and married after knowing each other a couple of days, later having it annulled.
Ms. Fiore might have thought he could help her in her new career of real estate broker.
Was Bacon's criminal record in Canada? That could be more difficult to track down, since they have very different laws about media coverage of criminal proceedings and probably privacy as well. And if a school district (and state) can miss finding out that a prospective teacher or school administrator is a pedophile (with a record), it doesn't stretch the imagination that the producers could miss this guy's record. And that happens pretty regularly, it seems. There are obstacles to getting out-of-state records, and, I'm sure, out-of-country ones as well.
23 of 30 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on August 21, 2009 11:51 PM
Wow. I go away for one week and the shit hits the fan. Do I have to babysit the world ALL of the time?
Anyway, it's a shame the show got canceled because we'll never get the reveal of Double-O-Closet, because if Gay Joe is pretending to be homersexual, Double-O is a clearcut case of overcompensating denial.
Also, another benefit of this murder is that there will be NO I Love Money 3, considering how much the second season sucked.
And...well...sorry, have to go there...but are we sure that girl was human? Looks more like another one of the animatronic piles of silicon and collagen they got there in Hollywood.
Luckily, I'm three days behind the rest of the comments, so no one will read this....whew!
Anyway, Twunty, I'm submitting your recaps to your wife in the hope that she learns some of your...uh...methods...
24 of 30 | Posted by itchy | Posted on August 23, 2009 1:57 AM
Pixielated and Nimabu - he wasn't eliminated already on the show. In fact apparently he was a finalist, so I can understand why they aren't airing the rest. And as Itchy mentioned with I Love Money, they won't be airing that either because apparently he won that. I bet there are a lot of pissed off reality show whores that are mad they won't make it back on tv.
25 of 30 | Posted by blazergirl | Posted on August 23, 2009 10:24 AM
Oh geez...more breaking news...
TMZ is reporting that Ryan Jenkins aka Canadian Bacon has committed suicide in Canada.
What a mess...
26 of 30 | Posted by mariabird522 | Posted on August 23, 2009 7:51 PM
k37744:
"Though I'm guessing he offs himself and they find him hanging in a rundown Canadian motel room or deep in the woods. That's the only logical answer at this point."
You're either psychic or you gave him the idea because they're reporting that's what he did. I don't know if he hung himself or what but there are reports that he committed suicide in a hotel in Canada.
27 of 30 | Posted by MichyPR | Posted on August 23, 2009 9:05 PM
I was starting to think that he was a heartless sociopath and then he goes and does this. I guess that he was human after all.
Or mommy and daddy refused to help him anymore.
Still, I'd like to know how her family feels about this, if they would have rather he were caught and brought to justice.
At least he didn't hurt anyone else.
Tragic.
28 of 30 | Posted by twunty mcslore | Posted on August 24, 2009 5:10 AM
Though I'm not a big believer of 'an eye for an eye,' I've never had one of my loved ones mutilated and stuffed into a suitcase. If I had, I'd say rot in hell little man.
When I heard the news my stomach turned a bit. My ears perked up listening for the word "Motel"....making sure that it indeed wasn't a 'hotel.' Sho nuff...k37744 has a line on some sick fucks. I'm attributing it to my stellar dating past. I don't understand it, but it seems to be a pattern.
My heart and prayers go out to both their families. Here's hoping some day they can find some semblance of peace.
29 of 30 | Posted by k37744 | Posted on August 24, 2009 6:46 PM
Wow, you called it k37744. Kinda makes the guys you (and I) have dated look good, doesn't it?
Unless you're that Canadian woman who helped him check into the motel. Hmmm.
30 of 30 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on August 25, 2009 11:00 PM