TVgasm Recaps

Hola Gasmii--

I'm your recap artist, Leia LaBiblia. First off, I'm sorry about the lack of jokes on the screen-caps. I just wanted to introduce all the characters this time. Secondly, allow me to confess to never having seen one episode of the first Melrose Place. So I come to this juicy-looking new CW project with fresh, luminous brown eyes and a shameful lack of knowledge about the original characters. Old-school MP fans-- feel free to interject corrections, clarifications, perspective, outrage or disgust about it. I think it's great that the new MP is bringing back several key cast members, and from what I've gathered, will be weaving them in far more skillfully than 90210 services poor Jennie Garth & Shannen Doherty.

Soap operas are good for you. They stimulate the economy and the nervous system, encourage healthy masturbation, and contain no carbs, trans-fats (although the good ones feature both trannies and fatties) or pesky soul-deadening opioids.

But enough about my summer. Without further cute bullshit, let's pay our first of many visits to....

Oh Gasmii--

The new Melrose debuted to 2.3 million viewers and dropped down to 1.8 million with Episode #2. Too bad it's not on 10 PM--- it could suck up some of the Jay Leno viewers that will soon be fleeing that ghastly suckfest in droves. But sadly, since it isn't, if this trend continues, our Gasm time together may be cut short.

It's a damn shame because this show is way better than the empty-headed, ridonkulous 90210. But they both suffer from the same CW problem-- the network thinks gorgeous people surrounded by L.A.-as-fairy tale sets and locations is a replacement for clever writing and sharply drawn characters.

Weeds and True Blood are great examples of night-time soaps that not only have lots of hotties in the cast, they have vision behind them, as well as truly creative plotting that hooks viewers and makes us wait in agony for each new episode. As trashy as Gossip Girl is, it works for those reasons. Are you listening, CW?

If you can't have a Jenji Kohan or Alan Ball pulling the strings, at least hire writers who know how to craft great serialized drama. There's a huge shortage of work in Hollywood, so there must be scripters from Savannah or Spyder Games or Nip/Tuck sitting around at home, available to help inject some excitement into MP.

Find them before it's too late and we end up with Tyra Banks and Ryan Seacrest filling up Tuesday night with two hours of loathsome vapid reality crap!

Hola Gasmii--

Who's in the mood for steamy love triangles, shocking twists and dazzlingly interwoven night-time soap suds?

Unfortunately, True Blood is on hiatus. So let's forget about all that and just watch this. Oh, by the way, I figured out how they're coming up with the seemingly random titles for these episodes. They're L.A. street names of locations used in the episode. Very sneaky. So I'll be making up streets that reflect a recurring theme in each show. Not that you really care. Anyway, here we go!

Hello Gasmii--

I have to say this episode is a marked improvement over the past couple of weeks. There's still the same basic problems: depending too much on flashbacks that are more interesting than what's going on in the present (i.e. a big waste of Laura Leighton), and with the exception of Cru-Ella, Whoren and Junoh, dull characters played with a disheartening lack of charisma. But Katie Cassidy makes a great lovable bitch and she definitely has chemistry with the adorable Michael Rady, and the call-girl storyline is trashily compelling fun, especially with Kelly Carlson now pulling the strings.

Get Nick Gonzalez's clothes off and tonight's rating of B- could inch its way north to B+ by sweeps.

Hi Gasmii---

Is this thing on??? Seriously, is ANYONE besides my mother reading this blog? Look how awesome last week was:

But seriously. We should have a contest to make up an episode synopsis based on the strip of pix above. Maybe we could do it each week and there could even be prizes. What do you think, Flipit? Oh, wait, you're not reading these either. At this point, I'd be happy to get spammed by that dating-site retard Icemayer. I'm kidding. Don't spam me, shitbird, or you won't need a Tall Partner because I will break you in half.

Hi Gasmii--

With The Beautiful Life rudely yanked off the air after a total of two episodes, we know The CW isn't fucking around. If they were smart, they'd hire Mike Kelley, the brilliant creator of TBL and the underrated 70's drama Swingtown to inject some complexity and excitement into the new MP. Because for a hot-blooded sizzling soap, this show has yet to rise above the flaccid mark. Peppering it with original MP stars like Laura Leighton, Thomas Calabro, and now Josie Bissett and just-signed Heather Locklear might score some points with the over-30 fags & hags crowd (of which your recap artist is a proud member), but if this thing's gonna have legs, the current crop of cuties needs to step it up. As do the writers, because right now, I'm not sure if anyone gives a shit. Except of course you. That's why you're here. But after this recap, will you be back?

Hi Gasmii-- Let me begin by thanking you for all the sweet comments proving I am not doing this blog merely to entertain Flipit-- not that that isn't a perfectly appropriate goal unto itself.

All I can say is I wish the show was juicier, more fun and had more interesting actors & characters. At least it's better than Desperate Housewives, right? Then again, what isn't? Oh, that's right. The new 90210.

Hola Gasmii--

Heather Locklear's coming to Melrose Place! That'll definitely get those Gossip Girl and Vampire Diaries fans to start tuning in! They're also getting rid of two series regulars and incredibly one of them isn't Bad Pitt. None of this is happening for at least a week, so don't get all excited. Not like you were planning to.

I could go on and on about how to spice this show up, but my Real Housewives of Atlanta feud with passive-agressive Gasmi chickadee 2586 has sapped my will to live. Read all about it over on that blog when this one saps yours.

Hi Gasmii--

Well, its official-- the drama generated by my Real Housewives of Atlanta recap artistry is way juicier than 98% of what's going on at Melrose Place. I don't wanna bore you with THAT recap, so let's just say feelings were hurt, threats were made, and whiny little bitches were out in full force. (Not you, chickadee2586. We cool.) Gasmi Renata was spunky enough to come to my defense, pointing out for a website dedicated to snark, sarcasm and irreverence, an alarming minority of readers seem to have no sense of humor. At all.

That's why you, MP Gasmii, to put it in Smiley's terms, are my good class. My post-lunch study hall. You come in, you read quietly, you cause absolutely no trouble. It's true sometimes I'm in the mood for more chit-chat, particularly when I've had an Appalachian Speedball-- Diet Mountain Dew and two Xanaxes-- but you certainly don't think I'm a lazy, defensive, racist, psychotic evil bitch. Or if you do, you're kind enough to keep it to yourselves.

In case you have a life, Ashlee Simpson & Angrie have been fired and will be written out very soon. Start those online petitions now! Here are some pictures that make last week's MP look much more appetizing than it actually was: