Hi Gasmii--
If you've watched three minutes of anything on The CW in the last month, you know this is the MP episode featuring 90's vixen Heather Locklear reprising her camp-classic role as villainous blonde Amanda Woodward. Having never seen the original series, I can't wax nostalgic for her, but at least the character has a little edge and gets to do lots of scenes with break-out star Katie Cassidy, who should do very well as Amanda's protegee/nemesis.
The bad news? The show's still pretty tired. Things heat up a little in the last quarter, but we have to trudge through endless minutes of the super-not-exciting murder mystery, which heavily involves two characters played by actors who have already been fired, seriously pushing the whole thing ever further into who-gives-a-shit territory. Come on, people-- crafting a deliciously twisted soap should not be this difficult! Bring Leia in for a meeting and she'll lay it out for you.
Hollywood Blvd newsstand. Smiley & Junoh race through a crowd of tourists to snatch up a magazine. Junoh whips it open to a two-page jeans-ad spread featuring tastefully topless Smiley under the words "Your Ass is 100% Organic". Which I guess is true but kind of gross. To Smiley's mortification, Junoh proudly screams out that this is his fiancee. He tells her to "get used to it"-- a bus passes by with the same image plastered across the side. Junoh grabs up every available issue and says now his parents will know at least one of them made it in Hollywood. Maybe his mother will be played by Piper Laurie and tell Smiley "I can see your dirtypillows."
"Hey, look! SIDE-BOOB!"
PR company. Gayleb inspects the ad and purrs to a miffed Cru-Ella that denim designer client Anton V was right: "The schoolteacher's absolutely gorgeous!" G warns Cru to leave her "issues" at the door of the jeans launch party tonight. Through clenched teeth, she assures him she will do just that.
Cut to spike heels clomping down the corridor.
Gayleb tells Cru that with Anton "in Milan" (meaning they don't want to pay that guest star again), it's up to them to make sure Smiley's Cinderella story gets a big publicity push.
Here come those heels.
Cru says that Smiley's a big girl and doesn't require handling.
The heels strut by Terrified Assistant Extras.
G tells Cru the home office in NY has ordered her to promote Smiley at the party.
The heels climb the stairs to G's office.
Cru snips that G should tell NY that if L.A. wants NY's opinion, L.A. will ask for it. "Why don't you tell NY yourself?" a voice snips back. OMG, it's legendary super-bitch Amanda!!!
Um... wow.
Gayleb and Cru freak-- Amanda's not supposed to be here for two weeks! You know how I love surprises, A drawls. From the looks of her, she's also partial to Botox and tons of granny-enhancing heavy make-up. A casts a derisive glance at Cru's leather halter top then starts slamming G's efforts to revamp the L.A. branch with some caustic similes about blood-drenched slaughterhouses and five-dollar hookers.
G defensively insists that he's been busy establishing lucrative new client relationships, like Anton V's. A doesn't understand why they're spending so many "man-hours" on jeanswear, indicating that she thinks G's interest in the dashing denim deity is predominantly penile: "You could've been a leader, Gayleb. But your focus shifted... from your client's assets to your client's ass. You're fired!" That's what passes for dishy dialogue when you put the straight dudes from Smallville in charge of nighttime soaps. This show should be entirely scripted by fags and hags! Maybe then the gay boss could have been written as a delicious evil queen, not a boring, sports-obsessed str8 guy, and they wouldn't need to be shoving Heather Locklear up our collective cornhole. Anyway, adios handsome Victor Webster (Gayleb), who I saw eating at my fave Hollywood diner, Swingers, a couple weeks ago. On Saturday and Sunday, the Special, stuffed French toast, is better than sex with Bobby Cannavale. Which, I frequently imagine, would be very, very good. MAIN TITLE.
« Melrose Place: June: Tattle-Tale Lane | Main | Melrose Place: June: Tattle-Tale Lane »