Hi Gasmii--
Well, its official-- the drama generated by my Real Housewives of Atlanta recap artistry is way juicier than 98% of what's going on at Melrose Place. I don't wanna bore you with THAT recap, so let's just say feelings were hurt, threats were made, and whiny little bitches were out in full force. (Not you, chickadee2586. We cool.) Gasmi Renata was spunky enough to come to my defense, pointing out for a website dedicated to snark, sarcasm and irreverence, an alarming minority of readers seem to have no sense of humor. At all.
That's why you, MP Gasmii, to put it in Smiley's terms, are my good class. My post-lunch study hall. You come in, you read quietly, you cause absolutely no trouble. It's true sometimes I'm in the mood for more chit-chat, particularly when I've had an Appalachian Speedball-- Diet Mountain Dew and two Xanaxes-- but you certainly don't think I'm a lazy, defensive, racist, psychotic evil bitch. Or if you do, you're kind enough to keep it to yourselves.
In case you have a life, Ashlee Simpson & Angrie have been fired and will be written out very soon. Start those online petitions now! Here are some pictures that make last week's MP look much more appetizing than it actually was:
Trick pad. Champagne on ice, naked bodies under sheets, Whoren next to some guy we've never seen before, staring glumly at the wall-- it must be another Adventure in Hooking! The Trick tells her she was "incredible", and W politely reciprocates. The guy is hairless, super-buff, mid-30's, kinda Justin Kirk-from-Weeds-looking... in other words most of us would fuck him for free. If this show wasn't trying to glamorize prostitution (which as an ex-teen model I'm totally okay with), they'd MUCH more realistically have her in bed with guys who look more like James Gandolfini. And stay off my ass, Bears. As much as you insist flabby, fur-covered backs are hot, you'll never convince us.
Trick is sad Whoren has to go, but he only booked two hours. He offers her a K-note to stay till sun-up. "I'm all yours," she half-heartedly purrs.
Junoh & Smiley's bedroom. The clock says 2:42 AM, the huge space between their back-to-backs says their nauseatingly cute relationship is in big-turd trouble.
"Jess... call Daddy and your lawyers! I think the show wants a divorce."
Ashlee Simpson's apt. AS stares at a Superior Court summons for her resisting arrest trial/hearing.
Whoren's car, sunrise. W gets in, pulls back her sex-hair and wriggles into scrubs.
MP courtyard. Bad Pitt emerges from his apartment, on a one-way call. He confirms that "they're not gonna be home all day" and that they've done this before so there won't be any problems, then runs into Whoren entering the CY. BP hangs up and asks her if "Dad stuck you with the graveyard shift again". Yes, and where's BP off to? Hugo's for "waffles and eggs". Not only can he not act, everyone knows the best things to get for breakfast there are the chilaquiles or the Pasta Pappa. He exits as Cru-Ella appears, smirkliy asking about W's "long night of making people feel better". W doesn't take the bait and rattles off the medical emergencies she attended to. Now she has 90m of "uninterrupted sleep" before Dad wants her back "for rounds". Cru sincerely tells W to "take care of yourself".
"No, it's a Vicodin bottle. I'm Heather Locklear, get it? Happy Halloween!"
Junoh & Smiley's apt. J & S prepare their breakfasts in silence until J asks why she's not at school. Parent conferences today, she doesn't need to go in early. She asks if he's going to "work on your treatment" for Sex-Bomb Development Slut. Probably. "Where are we?" S asks. No idea, J says. S reminds him and us that they're "supposed to be engaged" but kissing other people. J says he's thinking of a solo hiking trip to Joshua Tree. Dismayed, S says she'd like them to take a trip together.
Suddenly, there's a ruckus outside. J & S go and find Detective Chorizo supervising a shitload of cops. Do J & S know where Angrie is? No, why? They found a knife with A's blood on it and he's wanted for murder! MAIN TITLE.
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