Hi Gasmii--
With The Beautiful Life rudely yanked off the air after a total of two episodes, we know The CW isn't fucking around. If they were smart, they'd hire Mike Kelley, the brilliant creator of TBL and the underrated 70's drama Swingtown to inject some complexity and excitement into the new MP. Because for a hot-blooded sizzling soap, this show has yet to rise above the flaccid mark. Peppering it with original MP stars like Laura Leighton, Thomas Calabro, and now Josie Bissett and just-signed Heather Locklear might score some points with the over-30 fags & hags crowd (of which your recap artist is a proud member), but if this thing's gonna have legs, the current crop of cuties needs to step it up. As do the writers, because right now, I'm not sure if anyone gives a shit. Except of course you. That's why you're here. But after this recap, will you be back?
Bad Pitt has Porsche-sex with some random slut hottie while parked in a dead-end alleyway. She says she's never done this before, and aks for a ride home to Ogden & Willoughby. BP agrees, distracted by a Sinister Asian who's been voyeuring them from a nearby car. BP drives off and SA makes a phone call.
Melrose Place courtyard. Dr Whoren serves Junoh a frozen cocktail as he bobs adorably on a pool toy. Then Whoren gets a text from Toby, her first-ever escort client, who's going to be in town and wants to meet up. Bad Pitt enters and asks Whoren if the hospital just paged her. She points to her own drink and says she's not on-call. BP quips that he's happy she's moved up from "wine spritzers" which she pretends to smile at while texting Toby back that she's way-up for a little prostitution. Ashlee Simpson grabs a margarita and tells Smiley she's now texting with a full keyboard. Since she's hostessing at trendy restaurant/bar Coal, AS must be reachable anytime anywhere. Behind AS's back, Junoh makes the universal sign for crazy to Smiley. AS wants Smiley's "digits", which Junoh furiously objects to in mime.
Phun with Photoshop! Insert back of your own head above.
Cru-Ella enters in a diaphanous "cover-up" exposing her bikini and asks Junoh what he's working on. He tells her he just shot "Wilderness Scouts planting trees in Balboa Park". Cru thinks this is a huge snooze, but has something exciting for him-- passes to the premiere of "the new Abby Douglas rom-com". Junoh's already going-- the writer, Zack, was Junoh's roommate at NYU Film School. "And now you get to watch him walk the red carpet with Abby Douglas? Ouch!" Cru snips in an indirect dig at Junoh's non-movie star fiancee Smiley. Smiley comes over to dig back that it's a pity Cru will be working the event and won't be able to hang out with her and Junoh. Cru says the red carpet isn't the teacher's lounge (Smiley educates inner-city tots) and maybe Cru will see Smiley at the after-party, if Smiley's on the list! Zing.
As Junoh squirms between his two favorite ladies, Jane Andrews enters. She says she's their murdered landlord Sydney's sister and has inherited the building! She doesn't realize she's also inherited a wacko niece: Ashlee Simpson. MAIN TITLE.
Sydney's apartment. Cru-Ella offers condolences and tells Jane she wants to move into this apartment ASAP. Jane recognizes Cru from her lack of manners-- Syd told Jane all about the falling out Syd & Cru had. Cru must've been "pretty angry" with the late redheaded boozy mess, judging by the emails Syd forwarded Jane... you know, "the ones where you made those crazy threats against her"? Is Jane insinuating Cru had something to do with Syd's death? "Of course not," Jane says. "I know you loved her, deep down." Original cast member Josie Bissett is so outrageously stiff here, it's impossible to tell if Jane's being sarcastic or Josie's just a lousy actress or both. Cru indignantly replies that she has nothing to hide and didn't kill Syd. No, Jane says, Cru has too much going for her-- Syd said Cru's career has "really taken off". Oh, and isn't Abby Douglas one of Cru's PR clients? Yeah, why? Jane says she heard Abby's new movie Kensington Squared is about to premiere. Cru offers Jane tickets, but what Jane wants is for Abby to walk the red carpet "in one of my dresses".
"Special" as in Education
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