I had high hopes for this train wreck but it was little more than a fender bender. Although the potential was there (Thong bikinis! Gay men! Butter-head blondes with limited command of the English language!), a whole lotta nada happened. But let's chalk it up to necessary pilot episode formalities and meet our cast.
Meet George French. He's a partner at Maryland Mortgage Corporation and I know he's important because he's signing papers. Important people sign papers. He tells us he's dating a Russian hottie, Lina, but they have a volatile relationship. Cut to Ariel telling us that Lina has George under a spell and to Michael telling us that she's a psycho and I'm guessing these two may be the source of some drama.
Next up is Sorah - a Brazilian hottie that George had a volatile relationship with. (Hmm, I'm sensing Georgie may have a type.) The two of them were married for three and a half years and have been divorced for two. The marriage ended when George cheated on her but they're still friends. Because why wouldn't you be friends with your ex-husband who slept with your best friend while you were still married?
Enter Michael Cohen who is gay but not a big queen. Except for the big, queeny, double-cheek kiss that follows. He's a celebrity journalist and in a total dating dry spell. I hope by celebrity journalist he means he writes those fun little quips in US Weekly where we learn stars are just like us because they juggle two cups of coffee while trying to unlock their car! And they feed the parking meter!
Katrina jumps in to tell us that Michael Cohen is her buddy. He covered her wedding for a magazine when she married Ben. Wait, I thought MC was a "celebrity" journalist. She and Ben started a company selling luxury real estate and she works 24/7. If she could make more time in a day, she would work. I would SO love to be married to this woman.
Ariel (who, although male, was named after the Little Mermaid) loves Katrina because if he was a girl, he would be a hot, boring one like Katrina. Growing up he always had everything he wanted and now he's the most incredible fashion producer in Miami. I'm sure we're supposed to be impressed but meeting the most incredible fashion producer in Dallas would get me just as jazzed. He's not straight but doesn't consider himself gay. He just goes with what's hot. He's a total rock star!
Speaking of trendy sexuality, meet Maria. She's a photographer slash art director who dates men and women. Jump to Ariel who tells us Maria has big tits and guys like that so she can hang out with him. Ariel rarely makes much sense. Maria is a single mom to her thirteen-year old daughter and imparts sage advice to her like don't kiss people with cold sores. She may want to have a heart-to-heart with Ari.
Finally, we meet Hardy Hill - which sounds like a fake name if I've ever heard one. He represents the owner of an interest in a nightlife conglomerate that clearly involves the Gansevoort Hotel because barely a minute goes by in this episode without it being mentioned. He's the social mayor of Miami and lives with Trix, his girlfriend of six years. Ari tells us that Trix must trust Hardy a lot which means that she most definitely doesn't.
On with the show. Hardy drives a girly convertible. I'm sure I'm supposed to be impressed but it just looks like a gay, silver car. He calls George to meet him for a cocktail but George can't because he's going deep sea fishing with Lina. This must be sexual innuendo because Lina doesn't strike me as the fishing type. Apparently, taking your girlfriend deep sea fishing in Miami indicates a serious relationship because Hardy fears that George is now going to lose his playboy moniker. It's true. No longer the "hit it and quit it" type of guy, George really likes this girl and wants to do a relationship the right way. I don't think that doing a relationship the right way involves sport fishing but that's just my opinion. "Catch something big," Hardy tells him. "And not crabs." Oh, Hardy. You're a card.
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Comments (7)
Hey Tiny Elvis,
Loved the recap- hated the show. But I will still watch because you have to suffer through it every week and I want to be a supportive friend.
Guess who- initials will give it away.
1 of 7 | Posted by SBC123 | Posted on July 17, 2009 12:56 PM
This show has got to be scripted,when i heard " I want a guy who is hot on the inside as well as the outside to date... "like me" I mean you have got to be kidding I have NEVER seen such a bunch of shallow, ugly, pretentious group of people, since when do people need to be told how sexy they think they are,I mean is all this validation really necessary.??. try focusing on what is important in life. and p.s. some of you dudes and a coupe ladies need a good dermatologist, when have acne marks become a fashion statement? what a shame Bravo would endorse such losers. glad i only got the first episode for free, wont be watching anymore. it's no wonder your all single, plan on that being your future
2 of 7 | Posted by michael | Posted on July 17, 2009 5:55 PM
I kept thinking - I swear I know Katerina, but where the heck from? And then I realized...she's the same chick that was on "The Apprentice" - the edition where most of the women did some sort of 'soft porn - playboy-like' magazine spread afterwards. I remember that her claim to semi-fame of the reality tv was that she was the most productive real estate agent in Florida at her age group, or something to that effect. And I definitely remember that Trump had MAJOR HOTS for her!!!
It always amazes me how people who get even a tiny taste of TV notoriety keep turning back up on our tv screens?
The cast seems like the most obnoxious, superficial, stuck up, fake and egomaniacal group of social rejects, who have to hang together since nobody 'normal' will tolerate their company. What a bunch of losers!
As for the show - snooze, snooze, snoo.... wwwzzzzz.
3 of 7 | Posted by renata | Posted on July 17, 2009 9:49 PM
Well, the consensus is that this show blows. Of course, you may suffer by proxy and merely read the recaps going forward. I will do my best to capture all it's inherent awfulness.
And hello, mystery friend commenter. Thanks for the support!
4 of 7 | Posted by TinyElvis | Posted on July 18, 2009 7:42 AM
Was't Hardy on Big Brother and wasn't he a super nice guy. How fake is this show!! Not to mention, Boring!!
5 of 7 | Posted by Barbie071979 | Posted on July 20, 2009 8:13 AM
Yes, Barbie - Hardy was on Big Brother and he was just as douchey as he is on this show.
6 of 7 | Posted by lexxi1129 | Posted on July 20, 2009 9:56 AM
Haha, this recap cracked me up. Love the stillframes of Lina's crazy face and Maria's confused look.
7 of 7 | Posted by Nimabu | Posted on July 28, 2009 1:15 PM