***Letter from the Editor: I received some reader requests for this show, and once I sat down to watch it I couldn't believe that I needed a few emails to wake my ass up to the situation. I called up Hypnotoad, America's Most Smartest Model recapper, and dragged him out of retirement. I assigned him over a week late, so he should be caught up by next week! And now, a round of applause for the return of Hypnotoad!!
Look darling! It's a story about me inventing the newspaper! How quaint!
Yeah, I'm back. And I know you missed me. Try not to make a big thing out of it.
Tonight on Million Dollar Listing: People try to sell houses. Who will succeed? Who will fail? Who will have a completely ridiculous haircut? Who will be the recipient of my newest reality show star crush? In the end, you'll end up liking one dude, sort of disliking another, and wanting to slap one dude repeatedly. I'll hold him down for you. In the end? Image. Is everything.
Power hair
We're in L.A. with a lot of guys with their shirts off, and hair that stays in place all day no matter what. How do they do that? I use this Bed Head crap, and by 10am, I look like David Lynch. The alarm goes off at 7:19 and Chad Rogers gets out of bed. He has a busy day - today's his first day of high school! He has a day chock full of getting wedgies and teased for bringing sushi for lunch, culminating in a triumphant debut as Captain Von Trapp in the Beverly Hills High production of The Sound of Music. Uh, wha? He voice overs that he's been in real estate for 10 years. Since you were 5, Chad? I think not. Oh. Chad says he's 30. I say eff you, Chad. I looked like I was 30 when I was 20, and now I look like I'm 45.
This is what I would look like standing next to Chad.
Chad works for Hilton & Highland. His boss is Paris Hilton's dad, which totally gives him a boner. He says that he's into his hair, and he has a beautiful girlfriend, because "image is everything." Chad is seriously wearing make-up, and his hair is plastered to his head. Like a Weeble Wobble. It's now 8:18. It's taken Chad an hour to get ready. Okay, I'm gay and all, but it seriously takes me 15 minutes to get ready. And I even use hair product. Wow. I already dislike Chad.
Chad sells homes that cost from $700,000 to $16 million. Real estate is competitive, Chad tells us, so he has to "stay on top of his game." And by "game," he means junior varsity track. Oh! I hope he makes the team! It would be really good for his self-esteem - he could really use a boost. Chad totally brings a vacuum cleaner to the houses he sells, strips down to his underwear, and says, "I. Will sell. This house. Today." And then he goes home to loveless marriage with Kevin Spacey. Yawn. Next.
Chad says, "Perception. Is Everything." Dude, everything is everything to this guy. Boredom. Is everything. Some dude comes buy with a car that cost $150,000. What the fuck?! I'm 30 and eating 10 packs of El Monterey burritos and hot dogs without buns! Oh, but I'll have a MFA, Chad. And over $50,000 in debt. Suck on that!
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Comments (10)
Hypnotoad, a million thanks for brilliantly recapping this show! It's a big crapfest but I took one look at Madison and was hooked (thanks Bravo- I needed another shitty TV show clogging up my DVR!!) I personally hate Chad MUCH more than Trust Fund, because he reeks of douchbaggery. Also, I have dubbed him "Brian Bonsall" because of that awful hairdo. He looks just like the kid from "Family Ties" (see?: www.tvguide.com/magazine/covers/newimages/88052801.jpg)
Also, a bit of interesting news: Trust Fund was recently arrested for stealing from his listings-- www.tmz.com/2008/08/01/bravo-star-ought-not-to-be-in-pictures
It's always the rich kids that turn into kleptos!! Why is that?
1 of 10 | Posted by here4beer | Posted on August 15, 2008 5:28 PM
Chad reminds me of Harold from Harold and Maude. Maybe Trust Fund's grandmother and him...quite the plot twist, no?
2 of 10 | Posted by silver | Posted on August 15, 2008 6:39 PM
Wow, I am shocked that Trust Fund was arrested for . . . wait, is shocked the right word? No, it's not: Vindicated. That might be it. He's such an ass. I'm sure Grandma will bail him out, what with all her pant-suit money.
3 of 10 | Posted by hypnotoad | Posted on August 16, 2008 10:11 AM
He looks like the 5th Beetle. This show magnifies what I hate about real estate - 3 underage idiots can make money. My question is...why do these wealthy people use them? Why would you be impressed with someone like Madison who just started in real estate about a year ago and speaks with a lisp or Josh who's rude and like 21?
4 of 10 | Posted by cleogrl | Posted on August 17, 2008 3:00 PM
Very funny recap, I find myself wanting to slap Trust Fund kid multiple times each episode. The other day I was at staples and bought a thing of post-its that say 'Golf is Everything' on them for my Buppa. I think Chad should have some made that say Image is everything on them.
5 of 10 | Posted by Zumdahl | Posted on August 18, 2008 1:59 PM
Hypno--this was an absolutely FANTASTIC recap! I laughed out loud so many times it was ridiculous. My co-worker thinks I'm officially nuts. Sanity. Is everything.
Chad reminds me of the mushrooms off of Super Mario brothers. But not nearly as awesome. And when he was going on about selling his soul to the devil and was all, "So, who's Dorian Gray?" Like, "So, who's that guy, a friend of yours? Does he have a realtor?" Ugh, tool.
6 of 10 | Posted by VolGirl | Posted on August 19, 2008 7:50 AM
i didn't watch this show but holy crap, fantastic recap. i probably still won't watch the show, but i will definitely read the recaps. hypno, you're hilarious.
plus i love *anything* with a dorian gray allusion. only i'm pretty sure dorian gray was supposed to be fantastically handsome and not a poorly-constructed shag lamp.
7 of 10 | Posted by mrsdaddytom | Posted on August 19, 2008 12:46 PM
Oh for the love of pete thank you for recapping this show. I watched it against my better judgement and am hooked. I cannot wait for you to catch up. Last week the wind blew Chad's hair back and that high schooler is balding... freaking A. And he goes to a pool and wears a head band like a tool.
8 of 10 | Posted by giffordsaz | Posted on August 22, 2008 10:44 PM
Finally, a place where I can admit I watched it. It was so inane, I just couldn't look away. Dead- on recap, but oddly, you forgot MY CLIENT, RON RICHARDS. I think we need to make some rules for the RON RICHARDS drinking game. That RON RICHARDS must be one important dude.
9 of 10 | Posted by mediagirl | Posted on August 22, 2008 11:37 PM
Chad looks and sounds like PeeWee Herman would with a bowl cut and bangs. Can't you see Paul Reubens doing a Chad character? Its fun watching Trust Fund, knowing he got busted stealing from his clients. Which do you think he prefers: coke or meth? Madison is the most likable, but a little dull, no?
10 of 10 | Posted by bongofl | Posted on August 24, 2008 1:40 PM