This week on Million Dollar Listing, Chad goes to Vegas, fights with Victoria, and meets the true daughter of Satan - Lauren. You will hate her. Madison helps a friend buy a house and deals with his sexual issues in a very After-School Special kind of way. Trust Fund helps people buy a house. I, meanwhile, wonder who the hell thought that people selling houses to other people on TV was a good idea. And then I drink to numb the pain.
Please jump.
Trust Fund sits around with his parents, you know - Satan and Mrs. Satan? Just joshin'! No, they aren't Satanic. Just Californian. Trust Fund's dad is all, "I saved you the obituaries from the country club paper." Okay, 2 things: 1.) There's a newspaper JUST for the country club? What are the headlines? "This Year's Minority Member Just Accepted." Or, "Restaurant Runs Out of White Zinfandel - Trophy Wives Pouty and Annoyed." And 2.) That's just morbid. Trust Fund says his dad retired in his late 50s, and his mom in her 20s. Hee. His dad ran the "apparel" business. You know, Pant Suits Unlimited, and Polyester Liars, Inc. Edith, Trust Fund's grandma, talks about people who died, because she's old and that's what old people talk about. She's going to give him names and addresses so he can sell houses. Methinks pant suits come in second to taking advantage of the recently deceased in this family.
Marge Ellsworth died! I hated that bitch! Let's drink!
Sigh. And now to Chad. Just seeing his name flash across the screen in that purpley-blue color has me rolling my eyes. So he and Victoria are at a breast cancer walk, because the rule is that celebrities and hangers on can only support breast cancer. Forget about AIDS or Darfur or, I don't know, muscular dystrophy. It's all about the breast cancer, baby. Chad says, "This is L.A. And no one walks in L.A." You know what? I believe it. Try moving to Chicago, bitches. You couldn't take it. Okay, so we're introduced to this guy who plays for the Clippers, and you know what? I totally thought he played basketball for a second, and then I thought, "Wait. Lakers, right? Isn't that the basketball team in L.A.?" I think Clippers is . . . hockey? You know, I could look that up on Wikipedia, but it's more fun to just go with it. Look at me! I'm so 80s! Possibly early 90s.
This hockey player's name is Cuttino. Oh, please. Chad wants to be Cuttino's real estate agent. Nothing like networking at a charity walk. Chad says there are 50,000 people there. Who's watching Beverly Hills?! People with prostate cancer, that's who. The walk begins. And people walk. It's awesome. Cuttino says that it's beautiful seeing all these people supporting breast cancer awareness, and Chad seriously says, "This is how you'll also feel when I sell your house." Um . . . wow. Even Chad's hair thinks that's too much. Jeez, they're in some stadium and it seriously looks like the Olympic opening ceremonies or some shit like that. Yeah, when I did Jump Rope for Heart we got donuts and orange juice. And the orange juice? It was generic Tang.
The orange sign on my TV with Madison's name splashed across it can only mean one thing: We need to get drunk, people. Only way to get through this. Anysnooch, Kim is driving in her car. Who is Kim? A buyer, Mad says. And a friend! Kim is a house-flipper. She's on a canyon street in Beverly Hills, and you guys? It looks like Topeka. The cars are older than mine, and I have a 96 Ford Ranger for pete's sake. Got it for high school graduation! Whoot! Now, I thought, "Okay, these houses can go for no more than $350,000-$500,000." Oh, but I was wrong. Dead wrong. Mad says they're for $1 million to $5 million! Whaaa!? I just spit Busch Light on my macbook. Kim missed the agent at the house, but looks around anyway. She does not, I might add, break in, like some a-hole who I will not name. Oh, what the hell: Josh Flagg. Oh! There's a deer in the backyard! Venison jerky is so awesome, you guys. Just sayin'.
Madison I got horrible lip injections and need this house to hide in until I heal. CALL ME.
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Comments (11)
It "never" rains in LA because LA is, climatically speaking, a desert. It gets about 12 inches of rain per year, or about 4 times as many inches as Josh's girlfriend gets nightly.
The only reason you see a tree, or grass, or ANYTHING green in LA is because the city steals, err, diverts, water from rivers hundreds, and even thousands, of miles away. So, go ahead and add greenery to "breasts" on the list of things that are all fake in LA. And have fun in that open-air cabana.
PS: the Clippers are an NBA team in LA. They are just really bad so nobody cares about them.
1 of 11 | Posted by swimbikerun | Posted on September 2, 2008 10:01 AM
I do not even know what to say after this episode. I thought it was impossible for this show to get any more BOOOOOORING after the first ep, but wouldn't you know it .... You live and learn...
I will never ever believe that Chad is 30 years old. Look at his face, listen to his voice, watch his interactions with his 'girlfriend' Victoria. He reeks of an unsecure teenager. What a bufoon. And his voice-overs are seriously killing me - and not in a good, dying from laughter, way. How a person SOOOOOOOO boring got on a TV show? It is beyond me.
You know, I actually went to the Bravo page for this show, but there is nothing there. I found a nugget though on IMBD. This douchebag has a 'Professional Resume' posted there. LOL. He lists himself as a 'Performer', covering ages '18-25' (I guess as an 'actor'). He has an AGENT!! Plus he proudly lists 2 (TWO) HOSTING COURSES he took in LA. Because, you never know when some idiot may stop you in the street and ask you to host his suicide party. That is the only type of party his hosting may be actually suited to the mood of.
After all, It is Hollywood! Resume-is-Everything. Truth, not so much...
As for Mad, I thought it was really sad when he talked with his 'girl friend' with the effed-up name about his sexuality. Why sad? Because I could see, when she said 'there are other girls out there' that she clearly meant HERSELF! She seems to have major hots for him, and I think he knew that too, and that was the reason he got so uncomfortable and split. Poor her..
As for Trust Fund - all I can say is Karma is a bitch. The client deserved exactly the type of broker they got. What an unpleasant people (kids excluded, I'd never blame kids for their parents' idiotisms). I salute his Granny for telling him she will consign all her wealth to charity, he will not get a penny from her. I was ROFLMAO. His facial expression was priceless when she said it. It was all ' shit, no reason to hope for her to croak anymore. Life IS a BITCH'.
Hypnotoad - I am amazed and truly impressed that you are able to sit thru this garbage week after week and sacrifice your time and friends for us to be able to read you hillarious recaps - they are the only reason that I keep coming back to this wreck of a show. BRAVO should pay you, seriously. You must be responsible for a huge portion of their viewer retention. Just remember that no good deed goes unpunished - your IQ level is bound to drop precipitously becasue of this crap taking a hold on it. Just know, we are on that downward spin with you. Now that I think about it - it is because of you. I just figured it out- YOU are responsible for my getting stupider and stupider. If it wasn't for your recaps I wouldn't have to watch the show, and my brain would be safe. Ahhh, what you gonna do. Some of us have to go thru life sacrificing. Lots of Love for the great job you're doing.
2 of 11 | Posted by renia | Posted on September 2, 2008 10:09 AM
Well, thank ya. I find it kind of funny to see comments on here that say (in essence): "I don't watch the show, but I read the recaps." I say KIND OF funny because those people do not feel the physical pain that has been inflicted upon me.
I'm so glad I can contribute to your stupidosity! Yay!
3 of 11 | Posted by Hypnotoad | Posted on September 2, 2008 10:29 AM
I loved 8-head girlfriend of Mad's, and you nailed the definitions Hypnotoad! Except in Mad's case I think it should be spelled Pollyamorous (like what his drag name is going to be).
love, J-Mo :)
P.S. and actually, the winter of '97-'98 was an El Niño year, and we all made fun of that... up until it started raining. And it rained and rained and rained and rained and all the roads leading to downtown Encino (where I worked) were all flooded out all the time and it majorly sucked and everybody hated it. It does happen sometimes, though, which is why there will be a crapload of mudslides out in the 'BU and all the local 'BU-ites whine and cry on the news about it... :)
4 of 11 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on September 2, 2008 1:04 PM
Why does Lauren, the bitchy assistant, look so familiar? It's driving me nuts- someone please help!
5 of 11 | Posted by natural redhead | Posted on September 2, 2008 11:55 PM
I believe you know her from the book of Revelation...
6 of 11 | Posted by Hypnotoad | Posted on September 3, 2008 3:10 PM
Why would anyone buy anything from these clowns?? They are the most annoying people. There has to be better agents then them. I hate Chad's hair, I want to go over and mess it up.
7 of 11 | Posted by 1219tracy | Posted on September 3, 2008 10:06 PM
I think Lauren may remind you of that red head from Top Chef..they could be sisters. If they are what the hell did there parents do to wind up with such bitches.
8 of 11 | Posted by lotsofun80 | Posted on September 4, 2008 1:15 AM
I think Chad has a seriously receding hairline, how else could you justify that hair? His dad is a total cue ball. Also, in Palm Springs, Chad was wearing that headband to keep his hair in place.
Ever notice how he keeps fussing with his hair in the car mirror?
9 of 11 | Posted by Sandogg | Posted on September 5, 2008 11:29 PM
lauren looks familar to me too. so i looked her up:
beta.koolse.com/lauren-sanderson
her name is lauren sanderson and if you read her bio, you'll see that she is seriously small potatos. she used to be in advertising before she was a "manager". that was probably her 4th time ever riding in (the back of) a limo, no wonder she was an uncomfortable bitch.
10 of 11 | Posted by tvgirl | Posted on September 10, 2008 2:01 PM
lauren looks familar to me too. so i looked her up:
beta.koolse.com/lauren-sanderson
her name is lauren sanderson and if you read her bio, you'll see that she is seriously small potatos. she used to be in advertising before she was a "manager". that was probably her 4th time ever riding in (the back of) a limo, no wonder she was an uncomfortable bitch.
11 of 11 | Posted by tvgirl | Posted on September 10, 2008 2:02 PM