Entertainment Weekly has a fun cover story ("Why We Love It! Hate It!") about reality television this week. Be sure to pick it up and take a look if it interests you. Or, if you have a password, you can read the article online at EW.com.

If you haven't been paying attention, the network that brought us "My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiancé" is currently working on a show called Seriously, Dude, I'm Gay according to the folks at Defamer. And although I would like to say that I am staying away from this reality show as I try to stay away from all Fox reality shows, it really may be too much for the folks at TVgasm to avoid. The show is set to be filmed in West Hollywood, perhaps the same neighborhood of the TVgasm offices. There also is a good chance that the editors a)have already seen these fools around town or b) will surely recgonize them in the future and make fun of them when they do.

Developing....

Apparently third string quarterback Jesse Palmer chose similarly named Jessica to be his girlfriend on The Bachelor. Doesn't she realize he's on the verge of being cut by the Giants? Probably not. And doesn't Jesse realize that in this age of Bennifer mish-mashes, Jesseca just isn't that fun. I suppose there's Jessicasse. Eh... And on American Idol, the apple of Hawaii's eye, Jasmine Trias, has been told by the rest of America "We don't like you enough." Since none of us at TVgasm watch these shows, we'll just sit back and let you do the talking.

Is that the sound of a cricket chirping?

Post your thoughts on these shows by clicking the comment link...

MTV's latest incarnation of Punk'd may have found an unlikely patsy: itself.

Well, it's summertime. The days are longer, the weather is warmer (or the same in LA), and the television season has ended with a welcome purging of "Friends". And while there are many things to enjoy this time of year such as barbecues and pool parties, we must not forget to show the Tivo some love. After all, summer is the time when some of our favorite television franchises emerge from a yearlong hibernation. Plus, Fox has tickled us pink with a highly publicized new slate of shows that includes a nice potpourri of sitcoms, drama, and reality shows. So in convenient list form, here is the TVgasm Summer Mini-Preview:

The San Fernando Valley is just a little bit safer today after police nabbed drunken driver David Hasselhoff this weekend in Encino. Apparently, KITT was sleeping at the wheel as Michael Knight guided his vehicle towards imminent destruction. The beloved actor (in Germany) has been charged with a DUI and hopefully illegal use of leather pants. TVgasm conspiracy theorists like to think this brush with the law was intentional. After all, the Baywatch honcho needs a little street cred now that he's putting out a rap album with producer Ice-T. Word up, Hasselhoff. Just don't get slapped with a DWB.

For more details, check out the Reuters article here, courtesy of Yahoo! News.

And watch something funny for once. Okay, so if you think "The King of Queens" is the height of comic brilliance on TV right now, you might not enjoy this. Sidenote: you should be shot. But for everyone else, Reno 911! is one of the funniest sitcoms on television. End of story. New episodes air tonight at 10:30 PM on Comedy Central (that's 7:30 PM if you've got Directv on the West Coast).

In another example of truth being stranger than fiction, MTV is currently producing a reality series sure to make life behind the velvet rope a little bit more exciting for folks in NYC. NBC had MBAs fighting for a job in "The Apprentice", later this summer FOX will show a bunch of lawyers outwitting each other to make it as "The Partner", and MTV will entertain us with a bunch of women eager to, uh...get a job with Lizzie Grubman?

Yes, you heard me correctly. According to the New York Post, MTV is currently in production with "Power Girls" (dubbed as "The Apprentice" meets "Sex and the City"). It looks like several young women will duke it out for a position in Lizzie's PR firm. MTV has not made a final decision about picking up the show, and there is no indication as to whether challenges will include dodging Mercedes SUVs or any of a number of BOTOX injection stunts.

TVgasm would like to introduce you to a new section of TVgasm dedicated to our readers. It's called "Ask TVgasm" and it will feature questions that you ask and we answer. Since we haven't had time to solicit any questions, we have decided to take the easy route and answer the question that has been on the minds of many people this year "Are Lindsay Lohan's Boobs Real or Fake?"

Now, I know what you are saying. This case has been closed a long time ago. Lindsay was featured on Awful Plastic Surgery as definitive a source on the trials and tribulations of celebrity plastic surgery as there is on the net. And OMFG did you see the picture of her in that tanktop? We here at TVgasm are not convinced by some anecdotal evidence here or there. And even if you aren't interested in anything we have to say, at least we have collected a nice assortment of Lindsay pictures for you to enjoy. (Sorry, we don't have the nipple shots. Or at least we aren't sharing them with you.)

Ashlee Simpson: We don't know where you came from, and we don't know why you have descended upon pop culture, but we humbly ask you to go away and never come back. Yes, you may be Jessica Simpson's younger sister, and yes, you may feel this entitles you to some sort of cultural sidekick role, but you and your manager father are sadly mistaken. We don't want you. Your music is stale and pedestrian, and your dreams of stardom are simply lame excuses for woolgathering at our expense. Yes, we know you're an "actress" too, but your showcase of talent on 7th Heaven leads me to believe you should be packed in a box and sent to Malta.

Additionally, your reality show is prosaic and vapid, and your general presence in our collective conscience is uninvited and already overlong, even though you just got here. So if you don't mind, we'd like you to quietly recede from the spotlight, and feel free to bring other less talented younger siblings with you. That includes Aaron Carter and Haylie Duff. Come to think of it, you can take all the Carters and Duffs. And don't let the door hit you on the way out...

Quick. Raise your hand if you also think M. Night Shyamalan really only owns one movie script. To make a new movie, he simply inserts some changes in location and characters to make everything seem unique. What we have left are movies with fairly obvious twists. Still, the people at TVgasm couldn't help but wonder what would happen if somebody were to do a movie on M. Night's life or E! needed somebody to do a re-enactment for a true Hollywood story? Who will play Mr. Shyamalan? And although the chances are about as slim as on Olsen twin after an hour in the Sauna, we offer to end such controversies before they happen. That's why the TVgasm casting couch nominates Jai Rodriguez of Bravo's Queer Eye for the Straight Guy as the actor for all of your Shyamalan look-alike needs.

Look at the hairline! Look at the cheek structure! If Jai let his eyebrows go, left a little gel out of his hair, and forced himself to wear a cotton polo shirt, he could pass as M. Night any day of the week. You can thank us later.

Three years ago, before The Amazing Race and before The Simple Life 2: Road Trip, USA aired a little reality show that managed to make little to no impact on the pop cultural radar. It was called Cannonball Run 2001, and before you start groaning - okay, you can groan a little bit - it was quite the fun piece of entertainment. Unfortunately, USA bungled it's marketing for the series (READ: provided no promos whatsoever) and this quirky cross-country lark was sent to the reality graveyard without ever getting a real shot. Part of the problem was that USA aired all five or six installments of the show in one week. That right, an episode per night. Not really a great way to build up word of mouth. But dagnabbit, it was a good show! Mismatched teams of three (ie: two frat guys with an old black lady, two Playboy bunnies with a seminary student) piled into old jalopies that often overheated and raced across country, stopping at various places to perform challenges etc. The show was like a lighter, campier version of Amazing Race, except instead of the Hermitage or the Great Pyramids, we had truckstops and BBQ pits. Obviously, it wasn't as good as the Phil Koegan globe trotting adventure, but it had moments of similar ingenuity, which leads me to believe it deserves a spot in the current reality landscape. Check out more info on the show at its website here.

Did anyone else see this show? What do you think?

Even though most of the world was busy rejoicing at the announcement of another celebrity wedding, there are those of us who mourn the love that may never be. Jake and Kirsten were the couple that everybody loved, and have left many fans wondering "Why?" after the announcement of their split awhile back. Many readers wrote, almost sobbing to themselves at the thought of what could have been. We here at TVgasm wondered the same thing, specifically how the world's most dreamy-eyed actor and the girl he seemingly couldn't get enough of would have been like had they married, specifically what their children would look like.

In times past, we could count on Conan O'Brien and his "What if They Mated" segment to provide us with these sorts of answers. But we can't tell our readers they have to wait until then, so we decided to use our own sophisticated software to come up with a possible composite.

Ok, I think I officially watch too much TV. Not because I can't ever have enough time on my RePlay to record all the shows I want, not because I have cancelled dates with women (who were way too hot for me to begin with) to watch TV, and not cause I can't stop saying BEANO in public. Rather, I am beginning to mix up my celebrities, reality stars, and public figures.

For example, what if Amish In The City's Ruth was an attention whoring slut?

Why then she'd be a dead ringer for Real World Las Vegas' Trishelle.

I dont worry about offending Ruth or Trishelle with this, since the Amish wont have access to the internet to read it, and Trishelle simply can't read.

More of my TV double-takes after the jump.

According to theNY Post, CBS has signed a deal with Tommy Hilfiger to star in a new reality show. Some of you may be wondering A) Why would Tommy Hilfiger do a reality show and B) Why would Tommy Hilfiger do a reality show after his daughter did a reality show? Well, to answer A), if Les Moonves was going to give you money to make a (almost certainly horrible)reality show, would you turn down the money? And to answer B), the Hiltons have already made it OK for socialites to follow their daughters into reality television.

Since I spent much of my formative years in the area where Tommy was born, I am inclined to at least check out this new reality show. However, I can't help but wonder if America as a whole is ready for an entire season of that horse-faced grin. May we make a suggestion to Viacom and Mr. Moonves? If you want to get adapt an MTV reality show for CBS, may we suggest "Julie Chen: Special Delivery"?.

Thanks to Too Much Free Time for the heads up.

Well, it's the dog days of summer. Labor Day is just around the corner, and across the country, malleable young high school grads are packing up their belongings and heading off to college. Those days have long past for us old fogeys here at TVgasm, but we like to relive them through MTV's annual offering of Sorority Life and Fraternity Life, which leaves me simply asking: WTF?

Where is our parade of unattractive girls (see above) and thickheaded guys? Where is our compedium of silly pranks and alcoholic hijinx? Sure, some of the brothers killed an octogenarian koi fish in the last season of Fraternity Life, but that shouldn't fell a burdgeoning franchise. No other show starts off so unappealingly every season only to wind up embarrassingly riveting. Please MTV, in the name of all things campy and silly, bring back our Greek shenanigans.

So far, I haven't read whether or not the show has been officially cancelled or officially renewed. We'll just have to remain in the dark like a trembling pledge tied up and blindfolded, awaiting the reality hazing that only MTV can give us.

Tonight I sampled FOX's promising new reality series The Complex: Malibu, and all I have to say is "huh?" That's not a "huh" of disappointment. Just one of mere confusion. You see, I wasn't a very diligent viewer tonight. I tuned in at around 9:15 - a good hour and fifteen minutes into the two hour premiere; so it was pretty much my own damn fault for having to spend a good half an hour just trying to figure out who was who and what they all were working on. At the same time, I feel like I might not have been better off had I started watching from the beginning. Here's a brief rundown of the rules. Eight couples are split into two teams that will renovate one multi-leveled complex of four apartments. The first team will tackle the two apartments in the upper complex while the second team will take on the bottom. Each team will then break into two groups of four (that's two couples each), and each group will then renovate one room of one apartment. Why, that's not hard to follow at all. But wait, there's more!

One of two things happened last night, A brilliant tactical move to gain voter sympathy, or a touching patriarchal tribute. Either way, requires my two cents.

Fox has taken an undeserving family who, for whatever reason, they seem to think America is fond of and given them the chance of a lifetime. New home, new clothes, and gave their dog a bath. All that and the told the BIGGINS family that all but one of them was obese. Hold please...I need a moment to clear my throat, for I am choking on irony.

What was a poorly produced, poorly cast, poorly edited night of television, did have a limited few good moments.

For the good, the bad, and the spawn of Dr. Phil....keep reading after the jump.

I am sorry, but I was unable to find them in bikinis. I could not find a single photo of them wearing a bikini. As it turns out they were Playboy Playmates, not bikini models. So, they didn't have clothes on in the pictures I got.

I would like to apologize to all the people who sent in emails asking to see them in bikinis. I have let you down. I never knew how many of our readers are avid women’s swimwear connoisseurs. You all have a lot more depth and interests than I ever could imagine.

But to Carl in Wisconsin who asked for the 3 girls lying down nude together in a suggestive pose, I can help you out. To the fans of bikinis, I am sorry. You might as well not even bother to stick around after the jump after the jump.

MATURE CONTENT

We've all seen ads for adult incontinence, and they've always been fairly amusing, but nothing really compares to this commercial I happened to catch during a casual viewing of Lingo:

I don't know what part of this commercial cracks me up most. Maybe it's the old lady dressed in a blazer who proclaims "I'm doing what I want to do" - which apparently means she really wants to throw upside-down frisbees to giant dogs. Or maybe it's the ghetto green screen backdrops it each shot. Or maybe it's the creepy expressions of relief from the old folks at the end. Or maybe it's the old black guy who looks like he's 35 and has baby powder in his eyebrows.

Part of me really thinks the tagline - "High absorbency, leakage control, very comfortable" - is so awkward and poorly phrased that it might take the cake. But no. The very best part of this commercial has to be the slow-mo demonstration of an old lady actually putting on these fluffy diapers. Do we really need to see that? Yes. Yes, we do. Bravo, Home Delivery Incontinence Supplies! You have created a masterpiece!

September 14th, the SPIKE network is premiering a kick ass hour of fish out of water TV.

The premise.

A middle age white guy must spend 24 hours a day for 5 days with convict turned rap star, turned rap star-convict Ol' Dirty Bastard. He must remain within 10 feet of ODB at all times. If he can do it, he will win $25,000. (the approximate value of one of ODB's teeth)

This sounds like great TV!!!

After the initial premier Sept 14th, Hangin' With ODB can be seen every Tuesday night at 10pm on The Spike Network. Be sure to check back at TVGasm.com for our take on the premiere episode...

...in case any of ODB's possy has read this, please notice I never said anything mean about ODB. But I ask you don't comeback to read anything I may say after the premiere episode...I have children.

To all the Hollywood writers who complain about the increasing presence of reality programming on network television, I say screw you. What do you expect? It seems as though in every Variety or Entertainment Weekly article you complain that classless reality shows are taking over, and yet what do you do in retaliation? You offer up mindless dreck like Joey, the unnecessary and completely laugh-free spin-off from Friends. Is it any surprise that we opt for the natural comedy of Julie Chen on Big Brother or Mose on Amish in the City?

Yes, tonight was the much heralded premiere of Joey, a show which many critics had warmly praised all summer long. This once again proves that the television critics in this country have gone soft. I suppose it's not their fault totally. Sitcom quality has slowly declined over the past ten years, and for every Seinfeld that shone brightly, there was a Yes, Dear, a Drew Carey Show, a Still Standing, or a George Lopez Show that quietly sat down on the toilet of pop culture and took one long poop. The critics have been worn down by the mediocrity, and now if a show is merely inoffensive or charming, it's considered funny. That's the only explanation I can give for why Joey received such favorable advance notices. So just because Marc Berman at Mediaweek might think highly of the show, let me tell you something, people. It sucks.

Okay, maybe it wasn't a massive brawl. Okay, maybe it wasn't a brawl at all. Okay, maybe nothing major happened at all. But one thing is for sure: someone from the cast and crew of "Jack & Bobby" got into an altercation with someone in the cast and crew of "Flightplan", Jodie Foster's new film in preproduction. We here at TVgasm don't know how big the fight was, but we do know that at least five cop cars descended upon The Lot in Hollywood where both productions are being shot. Details are limited, but eyewitnesses saw cops rummaging through some dude's backpack. Maybe there was a knife! Maybe a gun! Maybe a Snickers bar! Apparently critically acclaimed TV shows and Hitchcockian thrillers don't mesh. We don't have any more information, but we'll keep our eyes peeled on the police blotter...

There has been something happening on CBS this season.

Something of a Les Moonves Christian agenda has been emerging as casting of bible beaters to reality tv seemed to be on the rise.

Well, my suspicions were confirmed this morning when I got to my computer and found an email from Jesus in my inbox.

What follows has not been altered, forged or otherwise tampered with. We would like to thank Dan Rather and CBS for helping to uncover this document.

Madeyouaugh

Well, I suppose it was inevitable. Yesterday, a 300 lbs. boulder fell from a cliff and landed on a contestant for the upcoming CBS reality show, "Suburu Primal Quest", an adventure/racing series set to air in January. The poor guy was killed, making him the unfortunate title bearer of first ever reality casualty. At his family's request though, the race has resumed, ensuring that if this show ever makes it to air, it will certainly have one of the most awkward seasons ever. Media outlets have been quick to note that the guy was not wearing a helmet at the time; although, I personally don't see how a helmet can protect against a giant boulder falling from a cliff. For more information, read the AP article here.

If any of these questions sound familiar, maybe its time you checked out THE REALITY HANDBOOK - AN INSIDERS GUIDE.

After which you can put in a call mensa and ask to be taken of their mailing list. Hit the Gym. Start Drooling on yourself. And get a nickname..like Corky, or The Miz and begin slamming your hand thumbside against your chest.

After sitting through a good six hours of football today, we here at the TVgasm office couldn't help noticing CBS's increasingly generic promos for its increasingly generic lineup of procedural dramas. Not only do these series seem to have interchangeable storylines (revolving around flashlights it would seem), they also appear to be directed by the same person whose love for bluish/gray filters seems to know no bounds. Never mind that nearly all these shows hail from the same executive producer (Jerry Bruckheimer), and never mind that half these shows are spinoffs (CSI, Jag), and never mind that two thirds of these shows have the letters "C", "S", and "I" used as part of an acronym title. What really annoys us is the complete lack of creativity that starts with the network executives and ends with the cookie cutter promos.

So to prove our point, we've compiled stills from the six promos which aired ad nauseum today during CBS's football broadcast. See if you can match the images to the promo tagline. It's not as obvious as you'd think. (Answers at the bottom of the post)

Last night the PAX network debuted its newest reality show COLD TURKEY in which a group of would be dreamers are duped and bribed into quitting smoking for 3 weeks, while a sexy blonde smokes in front of them.

This if course is the potential lead in to I BET YOU WON’T, the midseason replacement which offers contestants $50,000.00 if they can give up their gambling ways for 3 weeks. Of course after the 1st week they can double their money if they complete a series of challenges or potentially lose it all should they fail. Of course they could double down on the 2nd challenge, or parlay their 1st week’s winnings into a series of mini challenges with financial compensation.

COLD TURKEY continues PAX's dedication to making good natured shows that no one has ever heard of or seen. To be honest, I didn’t even know I had PAX on my line up. It was the UPN of my basic cable...until last night.

I have a weekly poker night. Sometimes, its poker nights. I am a poker enthusaist. In fact, my RePlay TV picks up all the poker shows. World Poker Tour, 2004 World Series of Poker, Poker Superstars Invitational Tournament, Strip Poker Invitational (pay-per-view). Hell I even will be recording Saved By The Bell: The College Years Friday 10/15 at 12:30pm on TBS in order not to miss the episode entitled The Poker Game: The girls give spurned Mr. Rogers romantic advice.

I think I have sufficiently proven my geekiness for poker. Which is why I stayed in Sunday night to catch the 3rd Season Premier of Celebrity Poker Showdown.

In a TV landscape dominated by courtroom realism, it's nice to have UPN's light dramedy Kevin Hill around to clear out the Dick Wolfe stink. Okay, maybe the Law and Order franchise isn't exactly "stink", but if you're like me, you're getting a little tired of humorless DAs and brooding synthesizer chords. Therefore I take solace in the cleverly written although dubiously realistic world of Kevin Hill. I mean, what fun is there to be had with ugly lawyers who don't suffer from Junior Prom scars? That's right. I like my lawyers pretty, sensitive, and capable of a Hollywood closing statement. Yay!

Ever wonder what happened to your favorite pals from the Bunim/Murray box office flop, "The Real Cancun"? Well, chances are they're either primping in the mirror, getting some meds for that herpes outbreak, or maybe just passed out drunk. Well luckily we have an update on the stellar careers of two Real Cancun alums.

Remember Laura? The one who threw herself at that muscled guy Jeremy and then psychotically stalked him the rest of the trip? Well what better home for her than ABC? Yes, Laura played Natalie Day on the short lived series, "The Days". Superstardom is right around the corner!

And how about Casey? Surely you remember the sloppy, drunk, horny "model" from Florida who spent the entire movie trying to make out with anyone and anything? Well, I have some FABulous news. He's presently on - or was on (the website says he was just cut) - Bravo's Manhunt. Congratulations to all for their stunning progression in the world of entertainment!

Every now and then the television gods throw a morsel of pure perfection our way, and we here at TVgasm are always oh so happy to receive it. Case in point? Last night's episode of Saturday Night Live where atonal thrush Ashlee Simpson awkwardly humiliated herself in front of a national audience. This was sweet payback for me as I've never been shy about my contempt for Ashlee Simpson. And in case you're feeling all badly for the not-Jessica Simpson, just remember that I'm the one who's been subjected to "Pieces of Me" all summer. So who's the real victim here in the long run?

For those of you who missed it or can't view the clip, Ashleegate 2004 occurred when she came on stage to sing her second song of the evening and her band began playing her signature song, "Pieces of Me." Of course, the only problem with that is she had already sang that tune earlier in the show. So instead of just stopping and changing songs, Ashlee stood around confused, and then inexplicably busted out a hoe-down move that would have made the "Hey Dude" cast shudder. When that move ceased to distract the audience from the slow-mo trainwreck that was this performance, Ashlee wandered off stage with a smile on her face as if to say "Are you guys Punking me??" I particularly enjoyed the moments that followed as a lonely spotlight just shone on the stage as if to say "Um, just pretend someone's singing." Personally, I don't see why she didn't sing the song over again. After all, it's not like we're not used to hearing "Pieces of Me" every twenty minutes anyway.

Update: The clip we have here is from the West Coast feed, which is conveniently missing Ashlee's vocal track flub. So when Ashlee said her band played the wrong tune, she meant her band fake played the wrong tune which Ashlee was supposed to fake sing along to. Not that we Californians understood that with our fake live clip.

The ongoing saga of Ashlee Simpson took an interesting turn today as her father/manager Joe Simpson weighed in on the faux-controversy. Apparently Ashlee suffers from chronic acid-reflux disease - or lack of talent, as it's known colloquially. Joe Simpson claimed in an interview with KIIS FM's Ryan Seacrest that it was his idea to use the backing track after Ashlee's vocal chords swole up. Insiders, however, claim the real reason he used the track was because he suddenly realized that his daughter has no musical skills whatsoever.

Joe Simpson explained that Ashlee "has a backing track that she pushes so you don't have to hear her croak through a song on national television. No one wants to hear that." If that's not a vote of confidence, I don't know what is. Don't worry Ashlee. We know you want a career in music. I suggest taking up the cowbell or humming (very quietly).

Curious readers can find the whole article here.

UPDATE - J-Unit Adds: Those of you who missed seeing Ashlee mess up the first time can check her out tonight as she is scheduled to appear on NBC's Radio Music Awards taking place in Las Vegas. The show airs 9PM Eastern Time. If she actually shows up to sing (or lip-synch), it is sure to be an exciting event. Actually, I am sure the show will suck whether she goes on or not, but isn't it fun to watch a career spiral into oblivion?

We have curious minds here at TVgasm, and with all the recent embarrassing snafus on TV lately, we figured it was time to weigh in... again.

So today we have a simple question. Who had the biggest flop? Figure skater Tatiana Totmianina, Fidel Castro, or Ashlee Simpson?

Here are some videos to spur your memory (click on the images to play):

Halloween brings out all sorts of scary sights, but none as scary as Bobby Trendy wearing assless chaps. Yes, the erstwhile scene stealer from The Anna Nicole Smith Show hit the town Sunday night to celebrate with about a hundred thousand other Los Angelenos at the annual West Hollywood Carnivale. We here at TVgasm were fortunate enough to gain access to the event VIP tent where we were able to mix free booze and people watching with elitism - a fantastic combo. Lo and behold, in walked Bobby Trendy, dressed like a king (insert queen joke here) with a shiny purple costume and a billowing black cape. As I watched this flamboyant piece of reality shrapnel galavant around the party, I started to mentally piece something together. Reality star + new digital camera = TVgasm gold? (Well, it was only Bobby Trendy, so gold might be a major overstatement). Anyway, I busted out said camera while Bobby was doing some little dance move and took a quick shot. Here's the thing though. My camera has a two second delay, and in that time, some random guy swooped up Bobby, causing the cape to billow up and reveal the dreaded assless portion of the costume. We felt it only necessary to share this disturbing (and potentially not safe for work - there is buttock) image of Bobby. Click here for the uncensored version.

Some of you might say "I can't see all of his face in this picture. How do I know it's him?" Well, let me put it this way: why on earth would I ever go out of my way to orchestrate a fake Bobby Trendy photo? Just trust me. It's real. And it's awful.

As we all know, honest, unbiased reporting is rare in the American media these days. Fortunately, now we have Fox News to show us the way with its "Fair and Balanced" approach. A godsend! The results are astonishing!

Exhibit A:

  10/30/04
  Fox News poll: Bush up by 2%
  Fox News headline: FOX POLL: BUSH UP BY TWO POINTS OVER KERRY

  11/1/04
  Fox News poll: Kerry up by 2%
  Fox News headline: FOX NATIONAL POLL: VOTERS SPLIT

Commendable! With such lofty standards of fairness and balance in mind, TVgasm presents 2004 election coverage, minute-by-minute from TVgasm Election Headquarters in Manhattan.

Two years ago, my old boss had a baby. Unlike many women, she didn't take a lengthy maternity leave. Rather, she immediately came back to work to "produce film and television." However, while she was busy trying to feel important and create crap..Im sorry...cinema, her young remained at home with her newly hired, and overpriced, "Mexican mommy" and sans a teat from which to suckle the sweet nectar of life.

So, instead of taking time out of the day to go home and feed her filthy rich spawn, a future acquitted rapist or drug addict no doubt, my boss chose to stay at work and have a machine squirt juice from her top-fat bags into tiny little clear plastic packets, which she would then put in the office fridge next to the food which we all would eat.

Oh but the fun didn't stop there. When it came time to getting the packets of liquid life to the child, she asked me, a college graduate, to deliver it to her son. Yes, we have couriers who run scripts back and forth, sure we have interns who we use for virtually everything, but no...this was a job for me. And as I drove the breast milk, cleverly concealed in a manila envelope, I couldn't help but wonder why I needed 2 degrees from a credited university to be a tit-juice delivery boy. For me that moment defines what a big fat obnoxious boss is. Though FOX would disagree, putting less of a pity party spin on it and more of a spin of absolute hilarity.

I don't watch Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, and I probably never will. Luckily for us though, Michelle Collins at You Can't Make It Up does, and she's not afraid to admit it. Check out her minute by minute post of this week's two hour sobfest here.

I particularly enjoyed this passage:

7:21 p.m. Ty calls the fam and tells them they'll be picking up some "new duds" (I quote to indicate the douchebaginess of the word "duds") for the vacation they're going on. "It's a high class place, so you'll need a jacket. And don't worry... it's on me."

Cut to: The limo pulling up in front of a desolate, barren looking SEARS, somewhere near Fallujah or Tikrit, I forget. I wish I were kidding, but there is no humor to be found there. "It's a high class place".... hmm... in Ty-speak, looks like the family will be feasting on DQ Blizzards."

November sweeps are here which means it is time to inundate the airwaves with big, BIG ideas. CSI:Miami had their tidal wave. Fox has both a Big Fat Obnoxious Boss and an insanely charming British Billionaire. So of course NBC has to toss more than Tara Reids fun bags on Scrubs in the mix.

In their never-ending quest not to be out done by TV executives with good ideas, NBC has thrown their hat into the "Long Con" format in the form of THE $25 MILLION DOLLAR HOAX. Sounds exciting doesn't it? I mean it’s not just a hoax; it’s a $25 million dollar hoax. And they even dug up Ed McMahon for the premiere episode!!
Man he looks good

So, with such stellar hope and hype for the show, why didn't it....well, why didn't it not suck?

Ok last nights BIG FAT OBNOXIOUS BOSS, was not particularly funny. I have spent the morning trying to be snarky and review it, but I kept re-reading this email sent in by one of our readers and decided it was too incredible to not post, and certainly nothing I could say would be more entertaining, incredible or jaw dropping than this.

So here is our BIG FAT OBNOXIOUS BOSS STORY OF THE WEEK sent in from C.W. in Bel Air, CA.

"When I first moved to Los Angeles, I got work as an assistant to a film producer whose name would be recognizable instantly to your readers. I won't say who, but I will say he is married and has several statues honoring his work over the years.

As the appearant humor is fading fast for Obnoxious Boss on the Fox Network, it has opened a slew of emails from you our readers asking for less recap of the show, and more horror stories of terror bosses. From getting arrested for your bosses drugs, to delivering breastmilk, being a subordinate could sometimes suck harder than any one of the Battle Of The Sexes 2 girls after a drink and a camera.

This past week we at the Gasm were flooded with stories of horrible bosses, several of which will be going up in future posts. But todays story has a nice celebrity twist thanks to G.R. from Tucson, AZ for sending this in, and thanks to IMDB for breaking the story.

Before the jump, I warn you this link has an older woman leaping atop a younger impressionable supbordinate, lip to lip girl on girl biting and screaming...mmmmm....ok just read the damn thing...I suggest imagine Barry White reading this to you and it goes from bad boss story, to kinda hot...

Ever get sick about all that old Alias gossip? You know, the stuff about Jennifer Garner and Michael Vartan, Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck, Jennifer Garner and her forehead? Well, great news! We've got NEW Alias gossip. Turns out that Victor Garber - aka Jack Bristow - might be happier if Alias reruns were on Bravo, not ABC Family, if you catch my drift. Yes, yours truly just spotted the veteran theater (ahem, theatre) actor shopping at Target of West Hollywood with a young, very effiminate dude worthy of Ian McKellan arm candy status. The happy couple browsed for knicknacks and greeting cards and other Holiday items before navigating the infuriating crapshoot that is the Target checkout area.

Apparently this is not a huge exposé because a) it's Victor Garber, and b) discussion boards seem to have been buzzing about this for some time. But now we can officially say that the Internet rumors are true. Another TVgasm mystery solved!

There is not that much to write home about The Rebel Billionaire, Bunim-Murray's take on the "Crazy Millionaire wants to find somebody to run their business" genre. Maybe you haven't heard of it, because not that many people watch it, but it makes The Benefactor look Emmy-worthy in comparison. Personally, I kind of like Richard Branson, the founder of Virgin Worldwide and namesake of the show, take one flight on Virgin, and you appreciate the service. Those Virgin Megastores are also nice, and conveniently located to boot. As for the show there have been some fairly crazy stunts, but true to their pedigree, they seem kind of like something you would see on Road Rules if they had a little more money and time into the production.

Normally, we wouldn't think of mentioning a show such as Billionaire, but we learned that there were some boobies shown on this week's episode, as one of the challenges had a contestant drop trou and streak at a concert promoting a band from the Virgin Music label. Since love of money trumps all, a Branson-to-be named Jessica decided she would bare all for this challenge, probably encouraged by the fact that not too many people would be seeing this show when it aired.

Everybody certainly missed this event when it happened this past tuesday, but if you are interested in seeing what happened, you can watch the entire show when it encores on the FX network this Friday, December 3rd, at 11 PM EST. For those of you who just want to see yet another exhibition of some reality tits and ass, TVgasm has some NSFW preview shots after the jump.

Full Review after the Jump...

After TvGasm's very own, B-Sides investigative journalism turned up info on the sexual preference of Victor Garber, I took it upon myself to solve the equally as sexually ambiguous TV Superstar Bobby Trendy. I once heard someone refer to him as a homosexual, but I for one could to believe it. He's not gay, he's just luxurious.

I began and ended my investigation at his dizzying website. I managed to work my way into his photo section, where I noticed something. If you look really hard, from the right angle, it almost looks like he has some sort of make-up on. Or perhaps even sculpted eye-brows. Proof he tongue punches the dirt patch? At first glance it