Entertainment Weekly has a fun cover story ("Why We Love It! Hate It!") about reality television this week. Be sure to pick it up and take a look if it interests you. Or, if you have a password, you can read the article online at EW.com.

If you haven't been paying attention, the network that brought us "My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiancé" is currently working on a show called Seriously, Dude, I'm Gay according to the folks at Defamer. And although I would like to say that I am staying away from this reality show as I try to stay away from all Fox reality shows, it really may be too much for the folks at TVgasm to avoid. The show is set to be filmed in West Hollywood, perhaps the same neighborhood of the TVgasm offices. There also is a good chance that the editors a)have already seen these fools around town or b) will surely recgonize them in the future and make fun of them when they do.

Developing....

Apparently third string quarterback Jesse Palmer chose similarly named Jessica to be his girlfriend on The Bachelor. Doesn't she realize he's on the verge of being cut by the Giants? Probably not. And doesn't Jesse realize that in this age of Bennifer mish-mashes, Jesseca just isn't that fun. I suppose there's Jessicasse. Eh... And on American Idol, the apple of Hawaii's eye, Jasmine Trias, has been told by the rest of America "We don't like you enough." Since none of us at TVgasm watch these shows, we'll just sit back and let you do the talking.

Is that the sound of a cricket chirping?

Post your thoughts on these shows by clicking the comment link...

MTV's latest incarnation of Punk'd may have found an unlikely patsy: itself.

Well, it's summertime. The days are longer, the weather is warmer (or the same in LA), and the television season has ended with a welcome purging of "Friends". And while there are many things to enjoy this time of year such as barbecues and pool parties, we must not forget to show the Tivo some love. After all, summer is the time when some of our favorite television franchises emerge from a yearlong hibernation. Plus, Fox has tickled us pink with a highly publicized new slate of shows that includes a nice potpourri of sitcoms, drama, and reality shows. So in convenient list form, here is the TVgasm Summer Mini-Preview:

The San Fernando Valley is just a little bit safer today after police nabbed drunken driver David Hasselhoff this weekend in Encino. Apparently, KITT was sleeping at the wheel as Michael Knight guided his vehicle towards imminent destruction. The beloved actor (in Germany) has been charged with a DUI and hopefully illegal use of leather pants. TVgasm conspiracy theorists like to think this brush with the law was intentional. After all, the Baywatch honcho needs a little street cred now that he's putting out a rap album with producer Ice-T. Word up, Hasselhoff. Just don't get slapped with a DWB.

For more details, check out the Reuters article here, courtesy of Yahoo! News.

And watch something funny for once. Okay, so if you think "The King of Queens" is the height of comic brilliance on TV right now, you might not enjoy this. Sidenote: you should be shot. But for everyone else, Reno 911! is one of the funniest sitcoms on television. End of story. New episodes air tonight at 10:30 PM on Comedy Central (that's 7:30 PM if you've got Directv on the West Coast).

In another example of truth being stranger than fiction, MTV is currently producing a reality series sure to make life behind the velvet rope a little bit more exciting for folks in NYC. NBC had MBAs fighting for a job in "The Apprentice", later this summer FOX will show a bunch of lawyers outwitting each other to make it as "The Partner", and MTV will entertain us with a bunch of women eager to, uh...get a job with Lizzie Grubman?

Yes, you heard me correctly. According to the New York Post, MTV is currently in production with "Power Girls" (dubbed as "The Apprentice" meets "Sex and the City"). It looks like several young women will duke it out for a position in Lizzie's PR firm. MTV has not made a final decision about picking up the show, and there is no indication as to whether challenges will include dodging Mercedes SUVs or any of a number of BOTOX injection stunts.

TVgasm would like to introduce you to a new section of TVgasm dedicated to our readers. It's called "Ask TVgasm" and it will feature questions that you ask and we answer. Since we haven't had time to solicit any questions, we have decided to take the easy route and answer the question that has been on the minds of many people this year "Are Lindsay Lohan's Boobs Real or Fake?"

Now, I know what you are saying. This case has been closed a long time ago. Lindsay was featured on Awful Plastic Surgery as definitive a source on the trials and tribulations of celebrity plastic surgery as there is on the net. And OMFG did you see the picture of her in that tanktop? We here at TVgasm are not convinced by some anecdotal evidence here or there. And even if you aren't interested in anything we have to say, at least we have collected a nice assortment of Lindsay pictures for you to enjoy. (Sorry, we don't have the nipple shots. Or at least we aren't sharing them with you.)

Ashlee Simpson: We don't know where you came from, and we don't know why you have descended upon pop culture, but we humbly ask you to go away and never come back. Yes, you may be Jessica Simpson's younger sister, and yes, you may feel this entitles you to some sort of cultural sidekick role, but you and your manager father are sadly mistaken. We don't want you. Your music is stale and pedestrian, and your dreams of stardom are simply lame excuses for woolgathering at our expense. Yes, we know you're an "actress" too, but your showcase of talent on 7th Heaven leads me to believe you should be packed in a box and sent to Malta.

Additionally, your reality show is prosaic and vapid, and your general presence in our collective conscience is uninvited and already overlong, even though you just got here. So if you don't mind, we'd like you to quietly recede from the spotlight, and feel free to bring other less talented younger siblings with you. That includes Aaron Carter and Haylie Duff. Come to think of it, you can take all the Carters and Duffs. And don't let the door hit you on the way out...

Quick. Raise your hand if you also think M. Night Shyamalan really only owns one movie script. To make a new movie, he simply inserts some changes in location and characters to make everything seem unique. What we have left are movies with fairly obvious twists. Still, the people at TVgasm couldn't help but wonder what would happen if somebody were to do a movie on M. Night's life or E! needed somebody to do a re-enactment for a true Hollywood story? Who will play Mr. Shyamalan? And although the chances are about as slim as on Olsen twin after an hour in the Sauna, we offer to end such controversies before they happen. That's why the TVgasm casting couch nominates Jai Rodriguez of Bravo's Queer Eye for the Straight Guy as the actor for all of your Shyamalan look-alike needs.

Look at the hairline! Look at the cheek structure! If Jai let his eyebrows go, left a little gel out of his hair, and forced himself to wear a cotton polo shirt, he could pass as M. Night any day of the week. You can thank us later.

Three years ago, before The Amazing Race and before The Simple Life 2: Road Trip, USA aired a little reality show that managed to make little to no impact on the pop cultural radar. It was called Cannonball Run 2001, and before you start groaning - okay, you can groan a little bit - it was quite the fun piece of entertainment. Unfortunately, USA bungled it's marketing for the series (READ: provided no promos whatsoever) and this quirky cross-country lark was sent to the reality graveyard without ever getting a real shot. Part of the problem was that USA aired all five or six installments of the show in one week. That right, an episode per night. Not really a great way to build up word of mouth. But dagnabbit, it was a good show! Mismatched teams of three (ie: two frat guys with an old black lady, two Playboy bunnies with a seminary student) piled into old jalopies that often overheated and raced across country, stopping at various places to perform challenges etc. The show was like a lighter, campier version of Amazing Race, except instead of the Hermitage or the Great Pyramids, we had truckstops and BBQ pits. Obviously, it wasn't as good as the Phil Koegan globe trotting adventure, but it had moments of similar ingenuity, which leads me to believe it deserves a spot in the current reality landscape. Check out more info on the show at its website here.

Did anyone else see this show? What do you think?

Even though most of the world was busy rejoicing at the announcement of another celebrity wedding, there are those of us who mourn the love that may never be. Jake and Kirsten were the couple that everybody loved, and have left many fans wondering "Why?" after the announcement of their split awhile back. Many readers wrote, almost sobbing to themselves at the thought of what could have been. We here at TVgasm wondered the same thing, specifically how the world's most dreamy-eyed actor and the girl he seemingly couldn't get enough of would have been like had they married, specifically what their children would look like.

In times past, we could count on Conan O'Brien and his "What if They Mated" segment to provide us with these sorts of answers. But we can't tell our readers they have to wait until then, so we decided to use our own sophisticated software to come up with a possible composite.

Ok, I think I officially watch too much TV. Not because I can't ever have enough time on my RePlay to record all the shows I want, not because I have cancelled dates with women (who were way too hot for me to begin with) to watch TV, and not cause I can't stop saying BEANO in public. Rather, I am beginning to mix up my celebrities, reality stars, and public figures.

For example, what if Amish In The City's Ruth was an attention whoring slut?

Why then she'd be a dead ringer for Real World Las Vegas' Trishelle.

I dont worry about offending Ruth or Trishelle with this, since the Amish wont have access to the internet to read it, and Trishelle simply can't read.

More of my TV double-takes after the jump.

According to theNY Post, CBS has signed a deal with Tommy Hilfiger to star in a new reality show. Some of you may be wondering A) Why would Tommy Hilfiger do a reality show and B) Why would Tommy Hilfiger do a reality show after his daughter did a reality show? Well, to answer A), if Les Moonves was going to give you money to make a (almost certainly horrible)reality show, would you turn down the money? And to answer B), the Hiltons have already made it OK for socialites to follow their daughters into reality television.

Since I spent much of my formative years in the area where Tommy was born, I am inclined to at least check out this new reality show. However, I can't help but wonder if America as a whole is ready for an entire season of that horse-faced grin. May we make a suggestion to Viacom and Mr. Moonves? If you want to get adapt an MTV reality show for CBS, may we suggest "Julie Chen: Special Delivery"?.

Thanks to Too Much Free Time for the heads up.

Well, it's the dog days of summer. Labor Day is just around the corner, and across the country, malleable young high school grads are packing up their belongings and heading off to college. Those days have long past for us old fogeys here at TVgasm, but we like to relive them through MTV's annual offering of Sorority Life and Fraternity Life, which leaves me simply asking: WTF?

Where is our parade of unattractive girls (see above) and thickheaded guys? Where is our compedium of silly pranks and alcoholic hijinx? Sure, some of the brothers killed an octogenarian koi fish in the last season of Fraternity Life, but that shouldn't fell a burdgeoning franchise. No other show starts off so unappealingly every season only to wind up embarrassingly riveting. Please MTV, in the name of all things campy and silly, bring back our Greek shenanigans.

So far, I haven't read whether or not the show has been officially cancelled or officially renewed. We'll just have to remain in the dark like a trembling pledge tied up and blindfolded, awaiting the reality hazing that only MTV can give us.

Tonight I sampled FOX's promising new reality series The Complex: Malibu, and all I have to say is "huh?" That's not a "huh" of disappointment. Just one of mere confusion. You see, I wasn't a very diligent viewer tonight. I tuned in at around 9:15 - a good hour and fifteen minutes into the two hour premiere; so it was pretty much my own damn fault for having to spend a good half an hour just trying to figure out who was who and what they all were working on. At the same time, I feel like I might not have been better off had I started watching from the beginning. Here's a brief rundown of the rules. Eight couples are split into two teams that will renovate one multi-leveled complex of four apartments. The first team will tackle the two apartments in the upper complex while the second team will take on the bottom. Each team will then break into two groups of four (that's two couples each), and each group will then renovate one room of one apartment. Why, that's not hard to follow at all. But wait, there's more!

One of two things happened last night, A brilliant tactical move to gain voter sympathy, or a touching patriarchal tribute. Either way, requires my two cents.

Fox has taken an undeserving family who, for whatever reason, they seem to think America is fond of and given them the chance of a lifetime. New home, new clothes, and gave their dog a bath. All that and the told the BIGGINS family that all but one of them was obese. Hold please...I need a moment to clear my throat, for I am choking on irony.

What was a poorly produced, poorly cast, poorly edited night of television, did have a limited few good moments.

For the good, the bad, and the spawn of Dr. Phil....keep reading after the jump.

I am sorry, but I was unable to find them in bikinis. I could not find a single photo of them wearing a bikini. As it turns out they were Playboy Playmates, not bikini models. So, they didn't have clothes on in the pictures I got.

I would like to apologize to all the people who sent in emails asking to see them in bikinis. I have let you down. I never knew how many of our readers are avid women’s swimwear connoisseurs. You all have a lot more depth and interests than I ever could imagine.

But to Carl in Wisconsin who asked for the 3 girls lying down nude together in a suggestive pose, I can help you out. To the fans of bikinis, I am sorry. You might as well not even bother to stick around after the jump after the jump.

MATURE CONTENT

We've all seen ads for adult incontinence, and they've always been fairly amusing, but nothing really compares to this commercial I happened to catch during a casual viewing of Lingo:

I don't know what part of this commercial cracks me up most. Maybe it's the old lady dressed in a blazer who proclaims "I'm doing what I want to do" - which apparently means she really wants to throw upside-down frisbees to giant dogs. Or maybe it's the ghetto green screen backdrops it each shot. Or maybe it's the creepy expressions of relief from the old folks at the end. Or maybe it's the old black guy who looks like he's 35 and has baby powder in his eyebrows.

Part of me really thinks the tagline - "High absorbency, leakage control, very comfortable" - is so awkward and poorly phrased that it might take the cake. But no. The very best part of this commercial has to be the slow-mo demonstration of an old lady actually putting on these fluffy diapers. Do we really need to see that? Yes. Yes, we do. Bravo, Home Delivery Incontinence Supplies! You have created a masterpiece!

September 14th, the SPIKE network is premiering a kick ass hour of fish out of water TV.

The premise.

A middle age white guy must spend 24 hours a day for 5 days with convict turned rap star, turned rap star-convict Ol' Dirty Bastard. He must remain within 10 feet of ODB at all times. If he can do it, he will win $25,000. (the approximate value of one of ODB's teeth)

This sounds like great TV!!!

After the initial premier Sept 14th, Hangin' With ODB can be seen every Tuesday night at 10pm on The Spike Network. Be sure to check back at TVGasm.com for our take on the premiere episode...

...in case any of ODB's possy has read this, please notice I never said anything mean about ODB. But I ask you don't comeback to read anything I may say after the premiere episode...I have children.

To all the Hollywood writers who complain about the increasing presence of reality programming on network television, I say screw you. What do you expect? It seems as though in every Variety or Entertainment Weekly article you complain that classless reality shows are taking over, and yet what do you do in retaliation? You offer up mindless dreck like Joey, the unnecessary and completely laugh-free spin-off from Friends. Is it any surprise that we opt for the natural comedy of Julie Chen on Big Brother or Mose on Amish in the City?

Yes, tonight was the much heralded premiere of Joey, a show which many critics had warmly praised all summer long. This once again proves that the television critics in this country have gone soft. I suppose it's not their fault totally. Sitcom quality has slowly declined over the past ten years, and for every Seinfeld that shone brightly, there was a Yes, Dear, a Drew Carey Show, a Still Standing, or a George Lopez Show that quietly sat down on the toilet of pop culture and took one long poop. The critics have been worn down by the mediocrity, and now if a show is merely inoffensive or charming, it's considered funny. That's the only explanation I can give for why Joey received such favorable advance notices. So just because Marc Berman at Mediaweek might think highly of the show, let me tell you something, people. It sucks.

Okay, maybe it wasn't a massive brawl. Okay, maybe it wasn't a brawl at all. Okay, maybe nothing major happened at all. But one thing is for sure: someone from the cast and crew of "Jack & Bobby" got into an altercation with someone in the cast and crew of "Flightplan", Jodie Foster's new film in preproduction. We here at TVgasm don't know how big the fight was, but we do know that at least five cop cars descended upon The Lot in Hollywood where both productions are being shot. Details are limited, but eyewitnesses saw cops rummaging through some dude's backpack. Maybe there was a knife! Maybe a gun! Maybe a Snickers bar! Apparently critically acclaimed TV shows and Hitchcockian thrillers don't mesh. We don't have any more information, but we'll keep our eyes peeled on the police blotter...

There has been something happening on CBS this season.

Something of a Les Moonves Christian agenda has been emerging as casting of bible beaters to reality tv seemed to be on the rise.

Well, my suspicions were confirmed this morning when I got to my computer and found an email from Jesus in my inbox.

What follows has not been altered, forged or otherwise tampered with. We would like to thank Dan Rather and CBS for helping to uncover this document.

Madeyouaugh

Well, I suppose it was inevitable. Yesterday, a 300 lbs. boulder fell from a cliff and landed on a contestant for the upcoming CBS reality show, "Suburu Primal Quest", an adventure/racing series set to air in January. The poor guy was killed, making him the unfortunate title bearer of first ever reality casualty. At his family's request though, the race has resumed, ensuring that if this show ever makes it to air, it will certainly have one of the most awkward seasons ever. Media outlets have been quick to note that the guy was not wearing a helmet at the time; although, I personally don't see how a helmet can protect against a giant boulder falling from a cliff. For more information, read the AP article here.

If any of these questions sound familiar, maybe its time you checked out THE REALITY HANDBOOK - AN INSIDERS GUIDE.

After which you can put in a call mensa and ask to be taken of their mailing list. Hit the Gym. Start Drooling on yourself. And get a nickname..like Corky, or The Miz and begin slamming your hand thumbside against your chest.

After sitting through a good six hours of football today, we here at the TVgasm office couldn't help noticing CBS's increasingly generic promos for its increasingly generic lineup of procedural dramas. Not only do these series seem to have interchangeable storylines (revolving around flashlights it would seem), they also appear to be directed by the same person whose love for bluish/gray filters seems to know no bounds. Never mind that nearly all these shows hail from the same executive producer (Jerry Bruckheimer), and never mind that half these shows are spinoffs (CSI, Jag), and never mind that two thirds of these shows have the letters "C", "S", and "I" used as part of an acronym title. What really annoys us is the complete lack of creativity that starts with the network executives and ends with the cookie cutter promos.

So to prove our point, we've compiled stills from the six promos which aired ad nauseum today during CBS's football broadcast. See if you can match the images to the promo tagline. It's not as obvious as you'd think. (Answers at the bottom of the post)

Last night the PAX network debuted its newest reality show COLD TURKEY in which a group of would be dreamers are duped and bribed into quitting smoking for 3 weeks, while a sexy blonde smokes in front of them.

This if course is the potential lead in to I BET YOU WON’T, the midseason replacement which offers contestants $50,000.00 if they can give up their gambling ways for 3 weeks. Of course after the 1st week they can double their money if they complete a series of challenges or potentially lose it all should they fail. Of course they could double down on the 2nd challenge, or parlay their 1st week’s winnings into a series of mini challenges with financial compensation.

COLD TURKEY continues PAX's dedication to making good natured shows that no one has ever heard of or seen. To be honest, I didn’t even know I had PAX on my line up. It was the UPN of my basic cable...until last night.

I have a weekly poker night. Sometimes, its poker nights. I am a poker enthusaist. In fact, my RePlay TV picks up all the poker shows. World Poker Tour, 2004 World Series of Poker, Poker Superstars Invitational Tournament, Strip Poker Invitational (pay-per-view). Hell I even will be recording Saved By The Bell: The College Years Friday 10/15 at 12:30pm on TBS in order not to miss the episode entitled The Poker Game: The girls give spurned Mr. Rogers romantic advice.

I think I have sufficiently proven my geekiness for poker. Which is why I stayed in Sunday night to catch the 3rd Season Premier of Celebrity Poker Showdown.

In a TV landscape dominated by courtroom realism, it's nice to have UPN's light dramedy Kevin Hill around to clear out the Dick Wolfe stink. Okay, maybe the Law and Order franchise isn't exactly "stink", but if you're like me, you're getting a little tired of humorless DAs and brooding synthesizer chords. Therefore I take solace in the cleverly written although dubiously realistic world of Kevin Hill. I mean, what fun is there to be had with ugly lawyers who don't suffer from Junior Prom scars? That's right. I like my lawyers pretty, sensitive, and capable of a Hollywood closing statement. Yay!

Ever wonder what happened to your favorite pals from the Bunim/Murray box office flop, "The Real Cancun"? Well, chances are they're either primping in the mirror, getting some meds for that herpes outbreak, or maybe just passed out drunk. Well luckily we have an update on the stellar careers of two Real Cancun alums.

Remember Laura? The one who threw herself at that muscled guy Jeremy and then psychotically stalked him the rest of the trip? Well what better home for her than ABC? Yes, Laura played Natalie Day on the short lived series, "The Days". Superstardom is right around the corner!

And how about Casey? Surely you remember the sloppy, drunk, horny "model" from Florida who spent the entire movie trying to make out with anyone and anything? Well, I have some FABulous news. He's presently on - or was on (the website says he was just cut) - Bravo's Manhunt. Congratulations to all for their stunning progression in the world of entertainment!

Every now and then the television gods throw a morsel of pure perfection our way, and we here at TVgasm are always oh so happy to receive it. Case in point? Last night's episode of Saturday Night Live where atonal thrush Ashlee Simpson awkwardly humiliated herself in front of a national audience. This was sweet payback for me as I've never been shy about my contempt for Ashlee Simpson. And in case you're feeling all badly for the not-Jessica Simpson, just remember that I'm the one who's been subjected to "Pieces of Me" all summer. So who's the real victim here in the long run?

For those of you who missed it or can't view the clip, Ashleegate 2004 occurred when she came on stage to sing her second song of the evening and her band began playing her signature song, "Pieces of Me." Of course, the only problem with that is she had already sang that tune earlier in the show. So instead of just stopping and changing songs, Ashlee stood around confused, and then inexplicably busted out a hoe-down move that would have made the "Hey Dude" cast shudder. When that move ceased to distract the audience from the slow-mo trainwreck that was this performance, Ashlee wandered off stage with a smile on her face as if to say "Are you guys Punking me??" I particularly enjoyed the moments that followed as a lonely spotlight just shone on the stage as if to say "Um, just pretend someone's singing." Personally, I don't see why she didn't sing the song over again. After all, it's not like we're not used to hearing "Pieces of Me" every twenty minutes anyway.

Update: The clip we have here is from the West Coast feed, which is conveniently missing Ashlee's vocal track flub. So when Ashlee said her band played the wrong tune, she meant her band fake played the wrong tune which Ashlee was supposed to fake sing along to. Not that we Californians understood that with our fake live clip.

The ongoing saga of Ashlee Simpson took an interesting turn today as her father/manager Joe Simpson weighed in on the faux-controversy. Apparently Ashlee suffers from chronic acid-reflux disease - or lack of talent, as it's known colloquially. Joe Simpson claimed in an interview with KIIS FM's Ryan Seacrest that it was his idea to use the backing track after Ashlee's vocal chords swole up. Insiders, however, claim the real reason he used the track was because he suddenly realized that his daughter has no musical skills whatsoever.

Joe Simpson explained that Ashlee "has a backing track that she pushes so you don't have to hear her croak through a song on national television. No one wants to hear that." If that's not a vote of confidence, I don't know what is. Don't worry Ashlee. We know you want a career in music. I suggest taking up the cowbell or humming (very quietly).

Curious readers can find the whole article here.

UPDATE - J-Unit Adds: Those of you who missed seeing Ashlee mess up the first time can check her out tonight as she is scheduled to appear on NBC's Radio Music Awards taking place in Las Vegas. The show airs 9PM Eastern Time. If she actually shows up to sing (or lip-synch), it is sure to be an exciting event. Actually, I am sure the show will suck whether she goes on or not, but isn't it fun to watch a career spiral into oblivion?

We have curious minds here at TVgasm, and with all the recent embarrassing snafus on TV lately, we figured it was time to weigh in... again.

So today we have a simple question. Who had the biggest flop? Figure skater Tatiana Totmianina, Fidel Castro, or Ashlee Simpson?

Here are some videos to spur your memory (click on the images to play):

Halloween brings out all sorts of scary sights, but none as scary as Bobby Trendy wearing assless chaps. Yes, the erstwhile scene stealer from The Anna Nicole Smith Show hit the town Sunday night to celebrate with about a hundred thousand other Los Angelenos at the annual West Hollywood Carnivale. We here at TVgasm were fortunate enough to gain access to the event VIP tent where we were able to mix free booze and people watching with elitism - a fantastic combo. Lo and behold, in walked Bobby Trendy, dressed like a king (insert queen joke here) with a shiny purple costume and a billowing black cape. As I watched this flamboyant piece of reality shrapnel galavant around the party, I started to mentally piece something together. Reality star + new digital camera = TVgasm gold? (Well, it was only Bobby Trendy, so gold might be a major overstatement). Anyway, I busted out said camera while Bobby was doing some little dance move and took a quick shot. Here's the thing though. My camera has a two second delay, and in that time, some random guy swooped up Bobby, causing the cape to billow up and reveal the dreaded assless portion of the costume. We felt it only necessary to share this disturbing (and potentially not safe for work - there is buttock) image of Bobby. Click here for the uncensored version.

Some of you might say "I can't see all of his face in this picture. How do I know it's him?" Well, let me put it this way: why on earth would I ever go out of my way to orchestrate a fake Bobby Trendy photo? Just trust me. It's real. And it's awful.

As we all know, honest, unbiased reporting is rare in the American media these days. Fortunately, now we have Fox News to show us the way with its "Fair and Balanced" approach. A godsend! The results are astonishing!

Exhibit A:

  10/30/04
  Fox News poll: Bush up by 2%
  Fox News headline: FOX POLL: BUSH UP BY TWO POINTS OVER KERRY

  11/1/04
  Fox News poll: Kerry up by 2%
  Fox News headline: FOX NATIONAL POLL: VOTERS SPLIT

Commendable! With such lofty standards of fairness and balance in mind, TVgasm presents 2004 election coverage, minute-by-minute from TVgasm Election Headquarters in Manhattan.

Two years ago, my old boss had a baby. Unlike many women, she didn't take a lengthy maternity leave. Rather, she immediately came back to work to "produce film and television." However, while she was busy trying to feel important and create crap..Im sorry...cinema, her young remained at home with her newly hired, and overpriced, "Mexican mommy" and sans a teat from which to suckle the sweet nectar of life.

So, instead of taking time out of the day to go home and feed her filthy rich spawn, a future acquitted rapist or drug addict no doubt, my boss chose to stay at work and have a machine squirt juice from her top-fat bags into tiny little clear plastic packets, which she would then put in the office fridge next to the food which we all would eat.

Oh but the fun didn't stop there. When it came time to getting the packets of liquid life to the child, she asked me, a college graduate, to deliver it to her son. Yes, we have couriers who run scripts back and forth, sure we have interns who we use for virtually everything, but no...this was a job for me. And as I drove the breast milk, cleverly concealed in a manila envelope, I couldn't help but wonder why I needed 2 degrees from a credited university to be a tit-juice delivery boy. For me that moment defines what a big fat obnoxious boss is. Though FOX would disagree, putting less of a pity party spin on it and more of a spin of absolute hilarity.

I don't watch Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, and I probably never will. Luckily for us though, Michelle Collins at You Can't Make It Up does, and she's not afraid to admit it. Check out her minute by minute post of this week's two hour sobfest here.

I particularly enjoyed this passage:

7:21 p.m. Ty calls the fam and tells them they'll be picking up some "new duds" (I quote to indicate the douchebaginess of the word "duds") for the vacation they're going on. "It's a high class place, so you'll need a jacket. And don't worry... it's on me."

Cut to: The limo pulling up in front of a desolate, barren looking SEARS, somewhere near Fallujah or Tikrit, I forget. I wish I were kidding, but there is no humor to be found there. "It's a high class place".... hmm... in Ty-speak, looks like the family will be feasting on DQ Blizzards."

November sweeps are here which means it is time to inundate the airwaves with big, BIG ideas. CSI:Miami had their tidal wave. Fox has both a Big Fat Obnoxious Boss and an insanely charming British Billionaire. So of course NBC has to toss more than Tara Reids fun bags on Scrubs in the mix.

In their never-ending quest not to be out done by TV executives with good ideas, NBC has thrown their hat into the "Long Con" format in the form of THE $25 MILLION DOLLAR HOAX. Sounds exciting doesn't it? I mean it’s not just a hoax; it’s a $25 million dollar hoax. And they even dug up Ed McMahon for the premiere episode!!
Man he looks good

So, with such stellar hope and hype for the show, why didn't it....well, why didn't it not suck?

Ok last nights BIG FAT OBNOXIOUS BOSS, was not particularly funny. I have spent the morning trying to be snarky and review it, but I kept re-reading this email sent in by one of our readers and decided it was too incredible to not post, and certainly nothing I could say would be more entertaining, incredible or jaw dropping than this.

So here is our BIG FAT OBNOXIOUS BOSS STORY OF THE WEEK sent in from C.W. in Bel Air, CA.

"When I first moved to Los Angeles, I got work as an assistant to a film producer whose name would be recognizable instantly to your readers. I won't say who, but I will say he is married and has several statues honoring his work over the years.

As the appearant humor is fading fast for Obnoxious Boss on the Fox Network, it has opened a slew of emails from you our readers asking for less recap of the show, and more horror stories of terror bosses. From getting arrested for your bosses drugs, to delivering breastmilk, being a subordinate could sometimes suck harder than any one of the Battle Of The Sexes 2 girls after a drink and a camera.

This past week we at the Gasm were flooded with stories of horrible bosses, several of which will be going up in future posts. But todays story has a nice celebrity twist thanks to G.R. from Tucson, AZ for sending this in, and thanks to IMDB for breaking the story.

Before the jump, I warn you this link has an older woman leaping atop a younger impressionable supbordinate, lip to lip girl on girl biting and screaming...mmmmm....ok just read the damn thing...I suggest imagine Barry White reading this to you and it goes from bad boss story, to kinda hot...

Ever get sick about all that old Alias gossip? You know, the stuff about Jennifer Garner and Michael Vartan, Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck, Jennifer Garner and her forehead? Well, great news! We've got NEW Alias gossip. Turns out that Victor Garber - aka Jack Bristow - might be happier if Alias reruns were on Bravo, not ABC Family, if you catch my drift. Yes, yours truly just spotted the veteran theater (ahem, theatre) actor shopping at Target of West Hollywood with a young, very effiminate dude worthy of Ian McKellan arm candy status. The happy couple browsed for knicknacks and greeting cards and other Holiday items before navigating the infuriating crapshoot that is the Target checkout area.

Apparently this is not a huge exposé because a) it's Victor Garber, and b) discussion boards seem to have been buzzing about this for some time. But now we can officially say that the Internet rumors are true. Another TVgasm mystery solved!

There is not that much to write home about The Rebel Billionaire, Bunim-Murray's take on the "Crazy Millionaire wants to find somebody to run their business" genre. Maybe you haven't heard of it, because not that many people watch it, but it makes The Benefactor look Emmy-worthy in comparison. Personally, I kind of like Richard Branson, the founder of Virgin Worldwide and namesake of the show, take one flight on Virgin, and you appreciate the service. Those Virgin Megastores are also nice, and conveniently located to boot. As for the show there have been some fairly crazy stunts, but true to their pedigree, they seem kind of like something you would see on Road Rules if they had a little more money and time into the production.

Normally, we wouldn't think of mentioning a show such as Billionaire, but we learned that there were some boobies shown on this week's episode, as one of the challenges had a contestant drop trou and streak at a concert promoting a band from the Virgin Music label. Since love of money trumps all, a Branson-to-be named Jessica decided she would bare all for this challenge, probably encouraged by the fact that not too many people would be seeing this show when it aired.

Everybody certainly missed this event when it happened this past tuesday, but if you are interested in seeing what happened, you can watch the entire show when it encores on the FX network this Friday, December 3rd, at 11 PM EST. For those of you who just want to see yet another exhibition of some reality tits and ass, TVgasm has some NSFW preview shots after the jump.

Full Review after the Jump...

After TvGasm's very own, B-Sides investigative journalism turned up info on the sexual preference of Victor Garber, I took it upon myself to solve the equally as sexually ambiguous TV Superstar Bobby Trendy. I once heard someone refer to him as a homosexual, but I for one could to believe it. He's not gay, he's just luxurious.

I began and ended my investigation at his dizzying website. I managed to work my way into his photo section, where I noticed something. If you look really hard, from the right angle, it almost looks like he has some sort of make-up on. Or perhaps even sculpted eye-brows. Proof he tongue punches the dirt patch? At first glance it may be but a closer inspection in his website begins to make me think not. In all his celebrity photos I see Bobby and Carmen Electra, Bobby and Jessica Simpson, Bobby and Paris Hilton and her slut posse. This is when I realized, the make-up, the eye-brows all of it a total ploy. You know, get hot trim to trust you more when they think you understand their ways. Really, Bobby Trendy is quite possibly the biggest pimp daddy in LA. All being Fem to pull the hot ass Paris tail. Bobby Trendy, nicely done. You are a Man among Men.

Final Verdict: BOBBY TRENDY IS NOT GAY. Another TVgasm mystery solved!

There are many bizarre sights on the Sunset Strip, but nothing more head turning than hundreds of overweight people clamoring to get into the Saddle Ranch Chop House on a lazy Friday afternoon. What would bring so many fat people to one place? The cynic in me thought, hmmmm... free steaks and potatoes and gravy and ham? Or maybe Celine Dion was just throwing a random concert. Turns out it was neither. Instead it was something much more simple (and much more Hollywood). Yes, it was auditions for season two of The Biggest Loser.

A friend of mine gave me the heads up when she saw the giant - er, big boned - line, and since the Saddle Ranch is mere steps from the TVgasm offices, what else was I to do except whip out the ole LG Camera Phone and document this compendium of girth. I was convinced I could get a small item to orbit the crowd, but alas, I left my toaster at home.

In other news, The Saddle Ranch's famous mechanical bull will be closed for repairs for the next week.

Sorry. I'm an asshole.

In a move that surely rankled NBC executives looking to sure up their Arena Football League offseason schedule, Fox Sports Network has announced that it will be airing the World Rock Paper Scissors Championship, Variety reports. Yes, I did just say that. This ranks as a new low for televised sports, although producers for Battlebots are rumored to be relieved now that they're one step higher on the athletic totem pole.

Okay, here's the good news. Apparently Fox and the World RPS Society do realize that this is ridiculous and will be adopting a tongue and cheek approach. For those curious to see this battle of fingers, tune in to FSN this Friday at 8pm EST for the one hour (!) showdown. No word on whether Fox will be tackling thumb wrestling.

For more information, check out the article here.

Homina Homina Homina.

Pretty. Pretty girl.

Me likey Mary Ann.

Maxim good.

Not Maxim, bad.

Since 1964 the world has been divided. Not by religion. Not by race. But by one simple question. Ginger or Mary Anne? Frankly, I for one don't want to live in a world where the answer to that question dares to be anything but Mary Anne.

Dawn Wells was without a doubt a sheer beauty...for my dad. But Kate Koth is not your father's Mary Ann. The Real Gilligans Island beauty, and part time dream girl, is the most recent aquisition of reality bitches in the stable of pimp Maxim.

Photos and more after the jump.

I am sure everybody sort of cringed if and when they heard about the Swimsuit Model Search. It's quite obviously trying to build on the success of America's Next Top Model. Just because one combination of factors made a good reality show on one channel, doesn't mean you can simply tweak those factors and make a good TV show. Especially if that spinoff or sequel lacks almost any originality or cuts corners on production values, not that we are going to name any names (Rocket Science). I am happy to say that Swimsuit Model Search isn't lacking in production value, but doesn't yet have the entertainment value we've come to expect from Tyra and crew.

Some news that will undoubtadly take the headlines away from that pesky Tsunami thing....

In the most recent who's who of the who cares news, Hitler's wet dream couple Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston have called it quits.

Local LAPD is on high alert as riots and looting is expected. High schools are calling in specialty counselors to help our children through these difficult times. And the American Red Cross is diverting Tsunami relief donations towards the efforts of keeping the fabric of America in tact. Authorities recommend to remain in doors with your family and try to avoid calling loved ones as to keep all lines available for emergencies only. Donald Rumsfeld is expected to make an announcement soon which will most likely be to raise our alert level from the current "elevated." It is suggested that you keep the radios and televisions on throughout the night as to be alerted to any emergency broadcast alerts.

A TVgasm source close to the couple assure us, as of now, it is still ok to drink water from local reserves.

Though we here at the Gasm tend to make light of certain events, we felt at a time like this, we must come together and be a resource of information and not snark. On a personal note, I pray as a nation we can get through this difficult period united and emerge a stronger, greater America.

God bless us all.

Madeyoulaugh

Other considered headline : Pitt Spilts As Duo Calls It Quits

**For more information, be sure to watch the next several weeks of news, tabloids, Extra, Access Hollywood...etc etc..god we are pathetic.

Well, for most people another three day weekend has passed. If you were fortunate, that meant you spent the past few days drinking, sleeping, drinking, eating, and drinking again. But even in the midst of good ole weekend fun, there was TV to be had, and unfortunately, not much of it was spectacular. We had the frenetic, migraine-inducing Jonny Zero, some old fashioned "Dead Person's Remains In Your Face" on Desperate Housewives, a snooze-tastic Golden Globes show, and oh yeah, two missed field goals by the Jets (but we won't talk about that). Where to begin?

We here at the Gasm at times can be a little...well...competative. Often times after a night of TV research at the TvGasm offices, a few wings are eaten and a few beers drank, and eventually the proverbial dick measuring contests begin.

This weekend during the Golden Globe Awards we reflected on our own body of work and each chose what we felt our best post of 2004 was. Now we invite you the readers to vote for the best post of 2004. I assure you this serves no purpose other than vanity and bragging rights around the Gasm water cooler. Maybe we will come up with an award for the winner or a shameful act for the loser to do. Until then, its pure male ego driving this.

AND THE NOMINEES ARE

Madeyoulaugh's Jesus sends TvGasm An Email

J-Units Tatastic Conspiracy

B-Sides Victoria Carries Jonathans Sack

Think snarkiness, originality, comedic effect, and of course....think about that bribe thats in the mail from me to you.

When you have had a chance to read the nominees. VOTE HERE.

A report I dread to make.

Comedy Legend and seemed to be nice guy, Johnny Carson died last night at his home. He was surrounded by his family. Initial reports indicate he had been battling emphysema for quite some time. Though I speculate long term exposure to Jay Leno weakened his condition and the final blow was 2 unrelenting weeks of Craig Ferguson.

He changed the landscape of late night comedy and for 30 years, he ruled it.

Johnny Carson was often times the cause of a true TVGasm.

He will be missed.

Hopeless auditions. Sleazy agents. Chance meetings with Hollywood heavyweights. It's all part of day-to-day life for the struggling actor in Los Angeles — and the setting for the new series, UNSCRIPTED.

Chances are, you've missed the show. Seems no one is watching, which is why TvGasm was compelled to share this hidden gem on a tiny little cable station called HBO. It is not as shiny, polished or scripted as Entourage and it is in the realistic feel of Unscripted, that the hilarity lies.

George Clooney and Steven Soderbergh executive produce this mockumentary style comedy with heart. The show follows the professional lives of three actors each struggling to make their mark in Hollywood.

Clooney’s and Soderbergh's reach is far and wide, in the first 2 hours of the show, Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, Jerry Van Dyke, Gary Marshall, the cast of ER, Hank Azaria, Richard Kind and Sam Mendes have all donated their talent and time to help Clooney’s show succeed. This is indicative of the quality of show that you people are missing.

One of the perks of living in Los Angeles — aside from the culture and light traffic — is being able to occasionally observe the Hollywood social ladder and the rungs of insecurity that form it. (Get ready for a name-droppy sentence) Last night at Spago I happened to sit a table over from one Rick Fox, late of the Los Angeles Lakers, Oz, Vanessa Williams, and, well, various RadioShack and local Ford commercials. Being a Knicks and non-annoying commercial fan, I can't say that Mr. Fox was ever super high on my favorite celebrity list, but I'm always willing to revise an opinion...

Three of us TVgasm writers live in Los Angeles. We encounter celebrities quite often. We're even friends with some of them (pause for "ooohs" and "ahhhs"). Now, in general, we try not to fire off a post every time we spot someone because honestly, that's just not the style of this blog. We only share if there's a story or a hook. With that being said, I wasn't going to write about this next encounter because a) it really has no major point; b) it's sort of one big name-droppy saga; and c) I didn't want to do another celeb story right after the Rick Fox thing. But then I started to send this as an email to someone, and I was amused so I thought, why the hell not? So please pardon me as I relay another celebrity adventure...

Which celebrity did TVgasm find in this sketchy van?

One of the great fringe benefits of seeing celebrities in LA is checking out their rides; so imagine my surprise when one Emmy winning actress rolled up to a restaurant in an old, rundown van that was clearly about twenty years past its prime. Yes, for a brief moment today, the glitteratti became the grundgeratti as a vehicle more apt for abductors, bums, or stoned teenagers parked directly in front of the Griddle Café in West Hollywood, causing craned-necks all around.

And as always, TVgasm was there to watch it all.

TV enthusiasts aren't created overnight. Dedicated are we who spend years of our childhood watching mind numbing hours of TV. People used to call those "wasted years." My parents told me if I kept watching that much TV, I would grow up ill adjusted. Well I’m grown up and I am well adjusted.

Why thanks to TV, I am not a drug addict. I learned my lesson watching Zack Morris talking Jessie off her speed high. I haven't been molested by a Boy Scout troop leader, I learned from Wesley and Mr. Belvedere to draw attention to uncomfortable situations with old men. And thanks to Tootie and Mrs. Garrett, I learned the value of my virginity and the import of not throwing it away willy nilly...anyone of these days, I am gonna lose it.

The point being, so much of who I am, who any of us are, comes from our childhood and the TV we used to watch. TV junkies like us are not a small minority, we have a voice.

In an effort to make our childhood memories accessible and in a time when TV to DVD is financially lucrative concept for networks and production companies, TVGASM has selected its first petition to bring a show which we felt important, relevant and popular enough to bring to DVD. SILVER SPOONS.

Clockwise, from top left: Desperate Housewives; The Simpsons; The Real World; Kevin Hill; The Simpsons; The OC

As I caught up with my Tivo this evening, I couldn't help but notice that four shows in a row (Kevin Hill, The OC, The Simpsons, and Desperate Housewives) featured characters coming out of the closet to varying degrees. Don't really know what caused this pileup of sexual disorientation, but I think it's safe to say the producers may have been sharing some notes. See if you can match the gay storyline to the correct show from above:

1) A person finally admits to his/her best friend that he/she has been dating someone of the same sex.

2) A person finally admits to his/her sibling that he/she has been dating someone of the same sex

3) A person with a significant other carries on a secret affair with someone of the same sex.

4) A person must choose between two people of the same sex.

5) A neighbor discovers someone having a secret gay affair.

6) A person carries on a gay affair with him/herself.

Answers after the jump.

UPDATE - FIND INFORMATION ON THE PRE-NUP AFTER THE JUMP

Only a mere 14 months after announcing their engagement, Hollywood juggernaut power couple Katie Holmes and Chris Klein have parted ways.

When reached for comment their publicists had this to say, "Oh wow, our phones do work."

The split has been especially hard for all the Holmes and Klein fans. TvGasm attempted to reach them for comment, sadly, none have been available for comment since Rollerball.

No one could possibly have seen this coming, there were no indications anything was wrong. It could not have been forseen. Kline is currently shooting JUST FRIENDS on location, while Katie Holmes can be seen in her upcoming film SHAME ON YOU!

Sometimes, we here at the Gasm have to write the stories, sometimes they just write themselves.

About three weeks ago, we here at TVgasm reported an unusual Drea De Matteo sighting in an old, crappy van. We poked fun at the actress and her gang for their unsightly ride, and now, I'm proud to say, we have an update. Thanks to TVgasm reader Tony for sending this in:

"I'm not sure if you saw or heard but Drea De Matteo was on Carson Daly last night / this morning and Carson said first thing, "NOW, what's been goin' on with you. I saw some crazy picture of you on the internet in a beat up old van."

She jumps in, "First of all, the pictures were on a website...I won't even mention the name...(sounding quite disgusted - which I LOVED - she goes on VERY defensive)...but we had been out that night, got home at 4am, SLEPT and then got up to get food. What better place to get the food than in the beat up old van..."

I LOVED IT! She was totally trying to do spin control."

Well Drea, don't worry. We still love you. Eat all the meals you want in the van. Just please stop doing Joey.

Last night American Pie masturbating chick filed for divorce from LOST's Hurley. (ok not really) This break-up was taken particularly hard by fat, hairy unnattractive men everywhere who thought, "See, it could happen to me." No, fat man...it can't.

Shannon forwent the usual "irreconcilable differences" claim, rather filing under the less oft used, "He stopped hypnotizing me" defense.

For those unsure why the newly Ms. Elizabeth was ever famous to begin with, there are TWO reasons...AFTER THE JUMP. NSFW.

So you're a Fox actor, but your show's been cancelled or your character's been killed off. What to do? Why, pop up in House, M.D., the reigning hotspot for Fox dayplayers waiting for their next pilot. I first noticed this trend when Leslie Hope (aka Teri Bauer from 24) popped up in a promo, apparently suffering from some boil-inducing medical mystery. Now Fox is proudly advertising a similarly bedridden performance by Sarah Clarke (aka Nina Myers from 24 —  aka the woman who killed Teri Bauer). Luckily, 24 isn't the only program to benefit from House, M.D.'s generous network nepotism. Other Fox vets checking in under Dr. House's watch are Dominic Purcell, late of John Doe, and Chi McBride, late of Boston Public, which is not to be confused with Boston Legal (or Boston Market for that matter).

While this sort of casting is far from anything new, it does leave us to speculate which other fallen Fox stars might show up on House, M.D.. Penny Johnson Jerald could mirror her work on 24 by playing an administrator's wife who just happens to be complicit in a nuclear bomb attack. Or maybe Seth Green can return as a man fighting to save his puppet bunny's limbs from gangrene. Elisha Cuthbert would be a perfect fit for that cougar-trap victim they've been trying to cast, and I've heard a rumor that Amanda Righetti is circling a role that has her playing a sexy but dangerous concierge/go-go dancer for the hospital. Doesn't really make sense, but we'll go with it. I personally would like to see a little Method and Red action, if only to precipitate several Redman/"Doc" puns. Well, actually, I just wanted to make a neat Photoshop picture.

Oh, and David Faustino, you can put down the phone. House, M.D. still doesn't need you as an extra.

Every Sunday evening, I like to curl up with a nice, 28-ply cashmere throw, sip imported tea from a rare Mesopotamian golden goblet, and flip my 48-inch plasma television to ABC to catch Extreme Home Makeover, where poor and unfortunate people are given homes and various other accoutrements, largely sponsored by Sears. In the past, I would watch in glee and sadness as the blind, deaf, autistic, widowed and cursed heartland of America was given one more chance of freedom, of hope.

Good news! It's Friday. And not just any Friday. It's officially the beginning of Viacom's Spring Break. Today, MTV begins its annual ode to flesh and promiscuity with its every campy and ever addictive Spring Break 2005. I plan to watch eagerly and hopefully return with some snarky nuggets.

But even more exciting is Viacom's other offering: SPRING BREAK SHARK ATTACK! Yes, the Tiffany Network (that's CBS for all you head scratchers) will be premiering its campfest this Sunday at 9 pm. Surely we know we're headed for disaster when a network better known for its elderly viewers decides to make a foray into the teen horror genre. Oh, it's already been broughten.

I plan to take in the whole event and provide a detailed recap by Monday. I haven't decided if I will liveblog or not. We'll just have to see how it goes.

Well, it's pilot season, and over at the beleaguered Peacock, the potential new offerings are rolling in. NBC has expressed excitement about three new one-hours, "The Book of Daniel", "World of Trouble", and "The E-Ring."

"The Book of Daniel" features a pill-popping priest gone who has visions of, you guessed it, Jesus. Even crazier is that Jesus appears as a "contemporary, cool" hepcat, sort of like Dean Stockwell in Quantum Leap. NBC topper Kevin Reilly says that he's mucho excited for this pilot because it's really fresh and provocative. Well, I guess it's fresh for everyone who's never seen Joan of Arcadia. We'll just have to assume this version of the God sidekick drama will be shot with grainy filters and shaky cameras. You know, like Fastlane and Skin. Yeah, that's some fresh shit.

Other "fresh" pilots include two dramas centering on global terrorism. Oh good. I was afraid that the untimely cancelations of The Agency, Threat Matrix, and Line of Fire might mean we wouldn't have any more generic terrorist dramas thrown our way. The first pilot, "World of Trouble" is just begging for ridicule. Luckily, the producers changed the name from previous titles, "Globe of Badness" and "Planet of Pesky Problems." As for "E-Ring", it seems as though producers are hoping the addition of "ing" to "ER" will somehow yield high ratings. The series is not to be confused with "Earring", a terrorist drama taking place in the jewelry sector.

For more information on NBC's burgeoning pilot load, check out the Reuters article here. And for those of you wondering, I found this Jesus Freshmaker pic after I had named the post. Imagine my glee.

We have accessed Hollywood Insider's Pat O'Brien's alleged voicemail messages to a coworker he is trying to coerce into a threesome with both he and an anonymous woman identified only as "Betsy."

Message after message the stunningly sleazy comments to his coworker get more and more graphic as Pat gets more and more into the idea of watching the voicemail recipient and "Betsy" or a "hire a hooker" do things to one another while doing "coke."

At one point, he seems to acknowledge his actions as being a little...well...off when he remarks "I dont know whats wrong with me...I dont do this" and then leaps right back into "...but I just want to make you *expletive* crazy...let's just *expletive* have sex and fun and drugs.....and go crazy."

Let us all just be thankful that this quasi-celebrity had the decency to make a series of sex voicemails and not the far more disturbing Pat O'Brien celeb sex video which surely would have resulted in hundreds or thousands of therapy hours.

Thank you to Nancy O'Dell for sending these in... (I kid.)

By the by, Pats wife name is Linda, not Betsy...Linda. tsk tsk tsk
Complete audio voicemails after the jump....

Sometimes blogging can be quite time consuming. So to tide all you bored office workers over, we offer some answers to your most frequent questions:

1) Yes, there will be a Survivor recap.

2) Yes, there will be an Apprentice recap too.

3) Haven't decided on a Project Greenlight recap. But that being said, everyone should really watch this season because it is quite the trainwreck. And trainwrecks = good TV.

4) Fat Actress? Please.

5) No, we don't actually have the means to contact Jerry from the Bachelorette.

6) The Office was surprisingly funny. And YES, I know it's not as good as the original, so all you BBC America fans can just hold off on the angry comments.

7) Which Ashton Kutcher project looks worse you say? Well, Guess Who? promises to be laugh-free but not as insipid as A Lot Like Love. Believe me. I read the script. Dreadful.

8) Yes, SNL would benefit from Horatio Sanz's departure.

9) Since you asked, I hate Anthony Fedorov. I hate Constantine even more. Anwar sounds great, but I'm pretty sure I hate him too. Jessica Sierra looks like a candy apple. Scott Savol reminds me of a potato. And I think Mikalah Gordon is one of the worst things to happen to pop culture. Wow, bitterness is fun!

Some of you may or may not know that we are big fans of sushi here at the TVgasm offices. Living in Los Angeles, there is a great range from the 99¢ Sushi Mac (which is overpriced, if you ask me) to fine establishments like Nobu and Matsuhisa. Since we have had more marriage proposals than advertisers willing to dish some coin, we usually have to settle for something that is closer to Budget Gourmet than Iron Chef. One of those places that is inexpensive but manages to have good sushi is Kabuki. Kabuki is actually a chain of restaurants, but they have half price dinner and lunch specials, and some of the best salmon and albacore on the planet, even before considering that each order is only less than $3.

After finishing the meal, everybody was waiting outside (B-side was talking to a few actor friends of his), and happened to notice that right out side of Kabuki's front door is the Hollywood Walk of Fame Star for none other than Pat O'Brien. So, although there is no reason to go to Hollywood just to laugh at Pat O'Brien's star, the trip makes much more sense if you consider how great the sushi will be for such little money. If you needed any other reason to check this place out, it seems that a Wayans brother always seems to be passing through at some point during the evening.

In summary:

• Good sushi, low price
• Pat O'Brien Walk of Fame Star
• Almost always a Wayans Brother
• Possibly J-unit or B-side

Okay people, gotta clarify some things. TVgasm is all about the TV experience. We relish in television. Some might say we're "enthusiastic" or "obsessed" or "lacking any sort of life whatsoever". The point is, we truly love sitting down and watching some of these shows we cover. At the end of the day, it's about entertainment, hearing a story -- and no one likes the end of the story ruined. So if you have a spoiler about any show, especially a reality show, SHUT UP.

We've had some incidents this past week in the forums and comments section where people have posted spoilers without any warnings whatsoever. Granted, the spoilers might just be rumors, but either way, be smart people. Warn us.

Please remember that we try to preserve the viewing experience as best we can at TVgasm. If it's spoilers you want, feel free to check out some other wonderful websites out there instead. Spoilers are not cool here, but if you must babble about these things, then type in big, capital letters: "SPOILER ALERT!"

Here are some examples of things that might be spoilers:

• Revealing or spreading rumors about the winner of a reality show. This is a big one. So you heard that Jane Doe is winning Survivor? WHO THE HELL CARES? So you want to know if this rumor you heard about John Doe winning Amazing Race is true? Well, two people heard the same rumor and one person didn't. GREAT. And this matters why?


• Revealing that a character long thought to be dead or gone returns (ie. any number of people on 24). Don't ruin the surprise for us. Note that this is different than pointing out casting alerts or hypothesizing about outcomes. You think Sherry Palmer is coming back to 24? That's cool. You heard Gwenyth Paltrow is going to join the cast of Lost? Sweet (that was a lie, by the way). Revealing major plot twists (character deaths, etc.) is also worthy of a spoiler alert.


• Giving updates on webcams. Okay, this is mainly a Big Brother issue. Technically, anything that airs on a webcam isn't a spoiler because it's already out there, and I know people love to talk about that stuff. So this summer, if you're gonna chat about the outcome of challenges before they air on CBS, we'll make a special category in the forums for you to discuss without bothering those of us who wish to be pleasantly surprised by the good people at CBS.

Generic military procedural fans take note: JAG has been cancelled. After ten years (ten years!?!?!) on the air, CBS has finally grounded this peppy show which made David James Elliot and Catherine Bell household "Wait, what's that person's name again?" names. Never fear though. Generic spin-off NAVY: NCIS will remain strong and nondescript on the CBS lineup.

The death of JAG shines the light on an alarming trend in Hollywood. Bland dramas seem to be dying every day. We thought the loss of Third Watch would be hard enough, but now the network brass has swung the ax on not just JAG, but the much anticipated spinoff series AfterJAG and Diagnosis JAG Murder. Luckily, other forgettable dramas have remained intact, such as the CBS masterpiece, The District. Oh wait, that's been cancelled too? It wasn't even on this season? WHAT THE F&@#K! Hey, at least we'll always have Blind Justice.

Man, have we got something fun for you. Normally, we just sit back and snicker about the various goings-on in television, but now we actually have an opportunity for TVgasm readers. Our friend Randy is a casting producer on NBC's upcoming reality show, Treasure Hunters, and he's looking for teams of three to galavant around the world in search of, you guessed it, treasure. The show will most likely follow in the vein of The Amazing Race and according to the official press release, Academy Award winning producer Brian Grazer is attached to exec produce. If that doesn't get you all tingly inside, I don't know what will.

Okay, so here's what you do. You can either visit the casting page at NBC.com or you can email treasurehunters05@gmail.com with photos and a brief description of your team and what each member will bring to the hunt. Just tell them TVgasm sent you.

Now, I know I sound like a shill right now, but Randy's our friend, and besides, what better way to assert TVgasm world dominance than by getting one of our loyal readers on an actual show? Yeah, we'll probably still make jokes at your expense, but at least we'll write "TVgasm reader" before your name each time. And you've got to admit -- that would be pretty cool.

Well, I for one was completely impressed by the caliber of titles the TVGasm readers came up with for the new Britney Federline show. It was so hard to pick who would recieve a Tarshi Bar for reasons of two. 1) They were all very good & 2) the Tarshi Bar is so nasty, I'm not sure it is truly a reward.

In the end, the list was whittled down to a top 11. From which a Top 4 emerged.

#5 - 11, in no particular order are.

My Trucker Hat Life

The Baby Daddy Hour!

NewlyFeds!

Hit Me Baby One More Time

Americas Next Top Fat Ex-American Idol

Desperate Househusbands

Hitched, Baby, One more time

before I continue to trash Britney any further, let us take a moment to really see this womans fall from grace. The once stunningly sexy Britney helped many a young men discover other things to do in the bathroom with mom's body lotion has now morphed into, well....this.

AND THE TARSHI BAR GOES TO....

According to her website, BritneySpears.com, Britney Spears is officially preggers with what will most likely be the most high profile white trash baby to come along since Kid Rock gave birth to vomit last night at some local bar in Detroit. When asked for a comment, hubby Kevin Federline replied "Cool. Am I still gonna be famous though?" We'll see how this plays out on the couple's upcoming UPN series.

Story pending...

Television viewers unite! Dyslexics untie! It's time to wake up your inner-activist, if only for a few minutes. It's Springtime in America which means that most of our favorite shows will soon be closing down shop for the long summer hiatus. However, not all programs will be happily returning in the fall. Some have already been shot down (Jag, Third Watch) while others wait in the industry purgatory known as "the bubble" -- as in, "this show's on the bubble." What is this enigmatic bubble? Well, think of it like this. You're outside of a club, waiting to get in, but the bouncer's being a jerk and making you wait. All the hot girls like Desperate Housewives and American Idol get to just cut the whole line, but sadly, you're just an average, nice guy named Arrested Development. You're really affable and pretty funny once people get to know you, but you're not good looking; so you have to wait outside until someone either lets you in or sends you away. So where does the bubble part come in? Well, the club is on a bubble, and if the bubble pops, everyone in line DIES. Yeah, it's a convoluted image. They should just call it "The Club Line".

Anyway, there's very little that viewers can do when their favorite shows are on the bubble. Some internet sites create petitions (seriously, just stop) and others erect billboards. We here at TVgasm don't portend to have any sort of network pull, but at the very least, we can alert you, the viewer, if there's something worth watching that might go bye-bye in the next few weeks. Maybe you'll watch it. Maybe the ratings will go up. Maybe the buzz will suddenly change. Probably not. But then again, industry people do read this blog. Wave to the people, executives!

We here at TVgasm are always happy to report on celebrity weddings, if only to start the counter for the inevitable scandal, divorce, and fallout. While most people in the television universe seem fixated on Rob and Amber's secret (yet televised) wedding over the weekend, we prefer to focus on dreamy lovebirds / future-cocaine dependents Chad Michael Murray and Sophia Bush, who joined in holy matrimony just a few days ago. Attendees of the wedding described the affair as "Like, oh my god!" and "Soooo cool." Guests allegedly swooned in the aisles, especially when CMM delivered his vows, which apparently were nothing more than a distant - yet complex - stare. When asked about how she felt marrying a man with three first names, Sophia Bush replied "Tee hee! I'm pretty!"

Thankfully, for all of us who didn't receive an invite (mine must have gotten lost in the mail), the happy couple has graciously offered up a photo from the ceremony. The picture shows two wax figures clutched in a very Senior Prom embrace. Apparently this was a blatant promotional gimmick for Chad Michael Murray's new flick, House of Wax ("Prey. Slay. DISPLAY!" - Did a tap dance instructor come up with that tagline?). We wish the newlyweds well and look forward to future waxy depictions of their married life.

Ever wonder what Ryan Atwood from The OC would do on an airplane full of deadly snakes? Me neither. But according to Jam! Showbiz, Benjamin McKenzie has been cast in Flight 121 (formerly titled, sigh, Snakes on a Plane), a thriller starring Samuel Jackson as a special agent who accidentally opens up a crate of venomous snakes on a Trans-Pacific flight. You just know the flight attendants will get bitchy about that. Mr. McKenzie will play a novice pilot who we'll assume battles the snakes with overly theatrical eye-darting and clenched-teeth rage.

If any of this sounds familiar, it's because the story is a complete rip-off of an obscure Saturday Night Live skit (2/7/98) where a pack of cobras kill everyone on an airplane. I imagine, however, that Flight 121 will not feature a long monologue by a snake at its climax. Nevertheless, we're always happy to see actors from our favorite shows go off and try to make it big in silly movies. Good luck Ben! Don't forget your floatation device!

As much as people like to celebrate Earth Day, now in its 35th year today, it is hard to imagine that it was put into motion by none other than Dick Nixon himself, who also signed the Clean Air Act, the Clean Water Act, and the Endangered Species Act. Just think of all the good he could have done if he wasn't so paranoid about spying on the Democrats. Yeah, that's it.

Anyway, Earth Day has now been taken over by hippies. Hey, I'll recycle and conserve water, and even compost if I had a back yard, but I am not going to switch to soy milk(although I must admit Rice Dream ain't half bad) or feel guilty for eating apples that didn't come from an organic farm. I am also sick of getting cut off by assholes driving their Prius hybrids like they own the road. Bastards.

Luckily, April 22nd gives us another occasion worth mentioning - the birth of Aaron Spelling. Spelling was born in 1923, and my parents were barely 10 years old before he started producing his first work for television in 1955. Over the next 50 years, Mr. Spelling has given us many, many, many TV series, television specials, and even feature films.

Listing all of my favorite works produced by Mr. Spelling would go on even longer than a B-side recap for an Amazing Race four hour special. But I have to name a few including Charlie's Angels, Hart to Hart (and all of those wonderfully bad TV movie follow ups), T.J. Hooker Starsky and Hutch, and the Mod Squad. Unlike most of my generation, I never got into Melrose Place or Beverly Hills 90210, but those series were equally as entertaining without a doubt. And B-side would never let me talk about Aaron Spelling without mentioning Soapdish.

Let's hope Mr. Spelling has another 50 years of making humorous, overdramatic, semi-scandalous, and derivative television and features that our children and our children's children will learn to love.

[And if you are still looking for something to do on Earth Day, Adopt a Puffin]

Rape is a very serious matter and a terrible crime. That being said, why was it so unintentionally funny to hear a UPN promo boldly ask us "WHO RAPED VERONICA MARS???" Maybe it was the forwardness of the question. Maybe it was the subtle exploitation of rape for ratings. Or maybe it was the announcer whose overly dramatic gravitas seemed ripped from a Batman trailer. Either way, I think I might have to finally check this show out.

By B-Side and J-Unit

I never thought much about what my version of hell would be like, but after catching a very special (in both senses of the word) installment of the Hallmark Hall of Fame, I think I can safely imagine Hades without much difficulty. Yes, after weeks of nonsensical commercials featuring a frumpy Rosie O'Donnell and the dependably toothy Andie MacDowell, we were finally treated to Riding The Bus With My Sister, a schlockfest melodrama with a noticeable lack of volume control. Directed inexplicably by Anjelica Huston, this made-for-TV-movie's subtle subject matter seemed to have collided head-on with the koosh ball of embarrasing over-acting known as Rosie O'Donnell. We never thought we'd say it, but this movie made Rosie's work in Exit To Eden look like Shakespeare.

Of course, we here at TVgasm can always spot a train wreck miles away, and while we have the utmost respect for Ms. Huston as an actress, it is truly our duty and honor to completely tear apart her latest directorial misstep. A near minute by minute recap after the jump.

This just in: hipsters have feelings too! When casually listening to the radio last night, I stumbled upon "Feel My Heat", a weekly show by That 70s Show vet Danny Masterson and Los Angeles nightlife guru Brent Bolthouse. I must admit, I occasionally tune into this Monday evening broadcast (on L.A.'s trendiest station, Indie 103.1, natch) if only to hear Danny Masterson try to be cool and hip with his oh-so-witty banter. After all, if there's anything I love, it's hipster humor. So imagine my surprise to hear Brent and Danny complaining last night about the hipsters that have overrun their neighborhood, Silverlake. Quel horreur!

The two guys bemoaned the hipsters, saying that they were always poo-poo-ing things and were never happy. Danny mentioned how when he plays clubs (he's moonlights as a DJ), there's always that one guy looking down at him for something or another. Brent heartily agreed, noting how hipsters spurn the mainstream but they still drink Coke (good one!). It's easy to hate on everything when you've got daddy's credit card, they asserted.

This would all be fine and good if Danny and Brent weren't TWO OF THE BIGGEST HIPSTERS IN LOS ANGELES! Seriously. When you're broadcasting from an indie radio station, you have no right to be calling out the hipsters. And let's not forget that Danny Masterson and his buddies Ashton Kutcher and Wilmer Valderama were some of the most prominent boosters of trucker hats two years ago. Even more insulting is Brent Bolthouse whose entire claim to fame is being L.A.'s dominant club promoter. Basically, if you're not a celebrity, a mogul, or a hot girl, you're not getting into a Bolthouse party. His entire career is based on exclusivity, and yet he wants us to believe that hipsters make HIM feel like a lesser person?

Of course, there's a rational explanation for all this. As Brent and Danny accurately noted, the prototypical hipster (which they are) hates everything. Therefore, it's only logical that hipsters would hate their own kind. So congratulations Danny Masterson and Brent Bolthouse! You've ironically meta-hipstered your way onto TVgasm's Hipster Hall of Shame (I just made that up). If anyone wants to get more information on these guys' totally un-hipster radio show, check out the un-hipster Indie 103.1 On Air Schedule , and just remember - those photos of Danny and Brent in trucker hats and vintage cowboy shirts are purely hipster parodies...

By the way, if Brent adds me to his guestlist, I'll be more than happy to revise my opinion of him (do you like that? I turned a bitter rant into a self-serving post. VERY Los Angeles).

Update after the jump:

Back in 1988, girls everywhere would have considered a kiss from Tom Cruise to be the memory of a lifetime. Former Dawsons Creek bueaty, and current beard, Katie Holmes, was no exception. But it seems she got more than she bargained for with her romance with Tom Cruise.

Yes, for Katie Holmes it doesnt have to be just a "memory" of a lifetime...not when Sir Cruise gave her the gift that keeps on giving, HERPES. Could it be chapped lips? Sure its possible, but far less fun to gossip about. I am posting the photo's after the jump and not visible from the main page because I find them so disturbing that an 8 year old crush completely diminished with but one glance at these photo's.

STD's of the face are enough to be taken off my top 10 list...fair thee well Ms. Holmes.

(click the pic)

Excuse me one moment while I throw up. I just finished watching Britney and Kevin: Chaotic, and now I suddenly have the overwhelming compulsion to boot my stomach's contents into the nearest toilet, wastebasket, or perhaps vase. It's not because Brit and Kev are nauseatingly idiotic, but rather after an hour of swirling home video footage that makes the Blair Witch Project look like Kubrick, I'm feeling just a tad bit of the old motion sickness. Truth be told, I wasn't sure if I was going to even recap this reality trainwreck, but after just one minute, I knew this show had to be torn apart... savagely.

It is expected that Jessica will forgo her music career to explore a life in feature films while Nick is expected to run for public office then slam into a tree during a skiing accident and die.

UPDATE Less than an hour after going up on the E! website, the link to the original article has vanished. It's unclear whether it will be someone at E! or someone in the Newlywed camp, but one thing is certain...someone's getting shitcanned.

UPDATE Wasting no time, Jessica Simpson-Lachey contacted a respected publication oozing with class and repute, US WEEKLY, to deny the claims that the couple filed for divorce.

Final Update The Superficial has the screencap of the original E! post.

So a strange thing happened to me on Sunday. I turned on the TV at around 8 PM, and Extreme Makeover: Home Edition was on. I've seen this show once or twice (yes, who hasn't seen the deaf family with the blind, autistic child episode?), but I've never really written about it. Since last night was the big season finale though, I decided to bust out the old pen and paper and take some notes. Granted, I had completely missed the first hour (although I did see a stupid segment where Ty and two of his lackeys climb a mountain and pretend to be thoughtful), but since I did have an hour of the show left, I knew I could find some good snark. Sure enough, after nearly two seconds, I found myself in a ball pit of schmaltz that only the Alphabet Network could pull off. Middle America, ABC hearts you!

Hey, remember that time that you guys were overworked and quite stressed about the strains of your already very public marriage, plus strippers and bachelor parties and alleged affairs with movie costars, and then after a year of fighting pregnancy, cheating and divorce speculation we published online that you guys actually filed for divorce on a specific day, at a specific time and place and even went so far as to provide your supposed reason for the divorce, and then we had to do an immediate retraction when it was brought to our attention that you guys can both read and hear and would eventually find out that we are printing bogus stories, and then you guys contacted USWEEKLY and told them that you would have sued the crap out of us had we not taken the post down, and then our lawyers advised us to feign a sincere apology on our website??

Yeah that was sooo funny, right? Good times. Hello? Nick? Jessica? Guys?

**Their channel sucks, their website sucks...sans Howard Stern, the E! Network is a punchline!**

With the regular television season coming to an end, we know all you readers might be starving for content. So what better time to hawk some of new links on the TVgasm site.

If you're eager to find out what's next on the indie music scene (and I don't mean The Killers or The Bravery), check out Meeshie Music, a blog that will certainly put Josh Schwartz and his music coordinator for The OC to shame. If you want to have a little pop culture fun or simply reminisce on the early days of reality TV, check out VH1's Best Week Ever blog and the Fox Reality Channel site -- both of which proudly list TVgasm as a featured link (patting self on back, nodding to scattered applause).

And to prove that we're a site that welcomes all different viewpoints (as long as they're well-written), I present to you Mock Modesty and Rod 2.0. One boasts a "through-a-red-state-prism" perspective while the other provides the black gay male angle. Now everyone join hands and sing "Koombaya"...

Lastly, if you have drunk stories to share or simply want to read about other people's inebriated escapades (always a good time), check out Sorry I Got Drunk, a site co-authored by TVgasm contributor Spotdog. Needless to say, this is a blog I might need to contribute to once in a while.

Of course, I recommend visiting all the sites we have listed. Happy surfing!

Okay, so you've seen the Defamer stills and you've seen the various "Do Not Pet The Cruise" animations. Well, it's time for TVgasm to weigh in. Thanks to an avid TVgasm reader (and Oprah fan), we were able to catch the re-airing of Tom Cruise's crazy-in-love turn on daytime television. Check out the video here. Enjoy.

Update: Check out Tom's silliness on Access Hollywood here.

When our friend at Access Hollywood told us to Tivo tonight's special half-hour dedicated to Tom Cruise, we knew something had to be up. After all, we were still reeling from his loopy, "I swear I'm in love!" performance on Oprah where he became daytime television's reigning couch-surfer. Well, we weren't disappointed. The Billy Bush exposé revealed that Tom might be nuttier than we ever thought. He rebuked psychiatry, saying there was no science behind it, and when asked about people who've sworn they've been helped by therapy (people including Brooke Shields), a disdainful Tom simply replied "Look at their lives." Yes, all those pitiful people who don't have fifteen blockbusters to their name. FOR SHAME, heathen non-superstars! How you have relied on your elixirs and so-called brain sciences to cure your problems!

Anyway, enjoy this very brief montage of Tommy boy on Access Hollywood, and be sure to watch how in the first clip Cruise switches from jovial laughter to extreme intensity on the turn of the dime.

Recently, I was alerted in an e-mail about a new website about to launch called MeeVee.com. We don't often plug products or websites on TVgasm (and we are not getting paid to mention MeeVee in this post), but it looked like an interesting concept, so I thought I would let some of our readers take a look at MeeVee.com, a website that promises to help you "find something to watch." Sort of like a Tivo-esque programming guide you can access from the web. My thoughts after a quick look through the service (along with a password you can use to look at it yourself until the site goes live tomorrow) is after the jump.

TVgasm is also pleased to announce another giveaway. We'll be selecting a person to win the upcoming Six Feet Under Soundtrack: Volume 2: "Everything Ends" (includes songs by Interpol, Death Cab for Cutie, Sia, and Radio Head). To enter, send an e-mail to contests@tvgasm.com with the subject "Six Feet Under." Entries will be accepted until June 6th. Again, you aren't going to be added onto any mailing list or anything, and we don't share your name with anybody else.

The school year may be wrapping up, but for ABC, this summer is all about the academics (and the fey ballroom dancing, but that's another issue). That's because tomorrow night marks the premiere episode of The Scholar, the network's latest feel-good reality offering. On the show, ten high school students move into a house on the USC campus and compete for a full-ride scholarship to the college of his or her choice, with four runners up receiving $50,000 each courtesy of Walmart. It's a noble idea, and despite having Walmart's paws in the mix, the show doesn't cater to Middle American schmaltz (paging Sears and Extreme Makeover). We were fortunate enough to grab an advanced copy of the premiere episode which was sweet and enjoyable, if not totally thrilling. Seeing a cast of reality stars who care more about their grades than their camera time is refreshing, and like Sorority Life and Fraternity Life, I have no doubts that these "characters" will become oddly transfixing by episode three or four.

A lot of my friends love Entourage. In fact, they swear by it. I personally hate it. Okay, maybe I don't hate it (I reserve that honor for Yes, Dear), but I certainly have great disdain for the show. With the exception of Jeremy Piven and occasionally Debi Mazar and Jerry Ferrara, the series is largely humorless, substituting the word "bitch" and "f--k" for actual wit and comedy. To its credit, many douchebags in Hollywood actually speak like these vacuous characters, but realism doesn't always equate to comedy, especially when the story arcs lack the imagination or cleverness that elevates other sitcoms such as Arrested Development, Curb Your Enthusiasm, or even Scrubs.

"Mmmmmm, lunch!!"

What follows is totally alleged. Should any lawyers read this, read it as you would Ziggy or that silly Peanuts crowd. Nothing in this post should be taken with any sort of weight that could say, spawn a defamation law suit. In fact, just consider this a fairytale.

“It’s cocaine and diet pills.� TVgasm has learned from a source close to Lindsay Lohan that her shrinking, frail frame is not the result of an eating disorder, but of a coke addiction mixed will diet pill abuse.

Rumors have been circulating the Hollywood party scene for quite a while about Lindsay’s bathroom stall antics with other celebutants such as Nicole Richie and even an Olsen twin, though TVgasm didn’t really care on account of the fact that it was Lindsay Lohan and even in a vacuum, she sucks.

But once an acquaintance of mine, and part of the Lohan elite, agreed to give me some confirmation information on conditions of anonymity, suddenly it peaked [sic] my journalistic interest. Crazy Blowhan’s “partying is getting out of control,� the source reports. “She’s gone from occasional coke use to a full on fiend; it’s scary.�

Summer can be slow for TV, but thankfully, we're always seeking out televised bits of goodness to share. Today, trusty (and occasionally spicy) TVgasm writer Youcantmakeitup details a bizarre weather report she found on her local news (broadcasted exclusively in her delightfully twisted head). Check it out here (Yes, she has her own autonomous blog. No, our writers are not all on a short leash. And yes, I just made a pun).

Well, the Jackson verdict finally came out earlier today, and for those of you living under a rock (seriously, who lives under rocks?), he was found not guilty. Stealing the show, however, was one loony lady at the courthouse who released a dove every time the jury foreman said "Not Guilty." Didn't she realize that doves are more appropriate for Prince? And exactly what would this woman have done had Jacko been convicted? Would she have kept her doves in captivity? It seems awfully unfair for these birds' lives to be dependent on whether or not Michael Jackson molested a little boy.

Luckily for MJ and the doves, freedom reigned in the Santa Maria courthouse, which meant that we could once again fixate on other Jacksonian questions like "What's up with Michael Jackson's face?" or "WHOA! What happened to LaToya's face??"

Favorite Pre-Verdict Moment: Watching the Jackson caravan trying to get by some stupid white car en route to the courthouse. Seriously, how awesome to have the ENTIRE Jackson family tailgating you? I would totally speed up and then slow down.

Most Exciting Post-Verdict Moment: As cameras fixated on the courtroom doors, some lowly officer stood there, apparently unaware that the entire world was watching him. Excitement brewed as we wondered whether or not this guy would possibly scratch his ass in front of a global audience, but alas, he did not.

Favorite Reporter Reaction: Greta Van Susteren, who exited the courtroom as if she had just visited F.A.O. Schwartz for the first time.

What was your favorite part of the coverage?

I would guess that most people who come to read TVgasm love their reality TV, and obviously I am no exception. The summer months used to be the only time networks would take a chance on reality in primetime, but after Survivor, The Amazing Race, The Apprentice, and The Bachelor(ette), reality is now a year-round staple. It is easy to get saturated if you are looking to find alternatives. While I enjoy both Beauty and the Geek and Dancing with the Stars on Wednesday nights, there may be some of you out there that are looking for something different.

Thanks to the power of DirecTivo, I was able to record the new FOX crime drama The Inside while I watched Evander Holyfield on the other channel. I am a fan of the Law and Order franchise, but never really got into many other cop shows (the remake of Kojak was a huge joke this past year, btw). But The Inside had something different that was enough to get me to sample an episode: it is produced by Tim Minear. For those of you who don't know, Minear also produced Firefly, a series that I loved and one that died thanks to sucky FOX promotion. And if that wasn't enough, the first episode features a girl getting killed in the same house The Dude rented in The Big Lebowski. That's good stuff.

Well, it has happened again. Minear has a great show in The Inside, which centers around an FBI unit that investigates the most difficult and bizarre crimes in Los Angeles (besides the kidnap and brainwashing of Katie Holmes, that is). For more information on the show and how it was brought back from the death normally saved for shitty pilots, read Jonathan Last's piece at The Weekly Standard. I won't have time to recap this show this summer, but I wanted to get the word out because FOX is once again doing a horrible job at marketing this show. I know "great scripted drama" and "summer viewing" don't usually go well together, but The Inside is well worth giving it a try. The Inside airs Wednesdays at 9PM Eastern on FOX.

Well, it was bound to happen sometime. Yesterday, Tom Cruise got squirted in the face. It all happened at the London premiere of War of the Worlds where an intrepid prankster dressed like a reporter soused Tom with a water-spewing microphone. At first Tom kept his waxen smile on full display, but as the realization hit him that he had just been humiliated on tape, his demeanor quickly shifted to the patented Robo-Intensity he most recently employed on poor Billy Bush. "You're a jerk!" he scoffed with rage barely contained. I guess this was one stop that wasn't on the Tom Cruise Publicity Stunt Tour 2005.

For the past few days, we've been teasing all you loyal readers with the promise of some wonderful, scandalous story. Well, the story isn't so scandalous, and it might not even be so wonderful, but for us here in the TVgasm offices, it was awesome. At the very least, it provides the much-needed bridge from our Jonathan Baker/Victoria Fuller dinner to our Michael Tarshi lunch. Basically, we saw a bunch of reality stars.

Most people by now have heard about Oprah's silly run-in with Hermès in Paris, but for those in the dark, here what happened: the talk show diva was basically denied entrance to the hoity designer boutique. Up until about ten minutes ago, I didn't really know the details of this non-incident, but finally, I checked out an article on Yahoo and was fairly sickened by the sordid tale. You see, Ms. Winfrey had arrived at the Hermès boutique fifteen minutes after it had closed, and well, when bitch wants her clothes, bitch GETS her clothes!

Ah, but there was that pesky closing time. Now most humans see a closed business, shrug, and make a note to return the next day. On rare occasions, we've all begged a sales person to let us in for an emergency or whatever, but it's safe to say that in general, closing times are non-negotiable. It's not a terribly dramatic thing, nor is it particularly embarrassing (unless you happen to be trapped outside naked, but hey, who hasn't been in that situation).

Well, O-O-O-Oprah reacted to this shut-out as if Steadman himself had flung a handful of dingleberries in her face. Luckily, her buddy Gayle King was on hand to witness this atrocious chapter of mankind. She told The Insider, "It was really, really bad. People were in the store and they were shopping. Oprah was at the door and she was not allowed into the store. Oprah describes it herself as one of the most humiliating moments of her life." Yes, that is HORRIFYING! I can't believe she can even show her face in polite society!

Give us some more, Gayle! "This is someone who has bought 12 Birkin bags, none of them for herself. All of the Birkin bags she has bought in the past have been gifts for friends. She had a 13th on order, which has now been cancelled," Gayle snipped. Oh, it's already been BROUGHT-EN!

Hey, let's hear what that goofball Tom Cruise has to say: "I know that those kinds of people are not the majority. For that to happen to Oprah, we all love Oprah. Oprah is such a great woman. I'm sorry that happened. I'll call her tomorrow." People, she wasn't shot in the head! But seriously, call her tomorrow. I hear that since the incident, she's been running a fever and writhing in her bed.

Now if you're as repulsed as I am, raise your hand. I hate pulling the whole "Just 'cause you're a celebrity" card, but seriously, get over yourself, bitch. The world doesn't revolve around you. If a store is closed, just DEAL. But apparently Oprah's rage / oversized ego / rampant insecurity knows no bounds. She'll be slamming the French designer this fall when her show resumes. Hey, how do you say Oprah en français? Oh, that's right. Pathétique.

As people living in Los Angeles will tell you, spotting a celebrity is an everyday occurance (J-Unit sat next to Mark Wahlberg in traffic today), but on TVgasm we like to only share the most enjoyable television star sightings. Well, tonight I was at a nifty party at the Avalon Hotel (don't get too impressed. It was all William Morris assistants gossiping with each other), when what should I see slinking by me? If you said "King Tut with a face lift," you'd be close. Yes, our favorite mummified skeleton Lara Flynn Boyle took a cozy seat about six feet from my ass where she and her buddies chatted about agencies and whatnot (I only heard a fleeting reference to UTA).

Luckily, I did have my camera with me, but hey, even I have some class. I wasn't about to run up to Lara Flynn Boyle and snap a photo (I only do that to reality stars, but that's because they love it). My plan this evening was to act like I was taking a picture with fellow celeb-wrangler Spotdog, except our sneaky photographer would really be snapping a shot of LFB (not to be confused with '90s pop sensation LFO). Unfortunately, we thought it would still be tacky and obvious, so we dropped the plan...for the time being.

Eventually L. F. Boy (or Elfboy) excused herself from her friends and after spending a few minutes wandering around the lobby like a lost puppy, trotted off to the bathroom. Well, this was perfect. By this point, we happened to be sitting right at the entrance to the pool area. When Lara Flynn Boyle returned, we would execute our plan. So we waited. And waited. And waited. After about ten minutes, we realized the actress was up to something, and taking a shit was not high on our list.

Well, a plucky girl that was with us (and was completely naive to any of this mild Lara Flynn Boyle stalking) excused herself to go to the bathroom. About two minutes later, she returned all excited and bubbly. "Oh my god! Guess who was in the bathroom next to me?" she squealed. We immediately answered "Lara Flynn Boyle" with that haughty "I know the punchline" tone. But this girl wasn't simply starstruck. She continued: "She was just puking in the bathroom! She was in the stall next to me, and all I could hear was [simulated vomit noises]." Yes, Lara Flynn Boyle: hurling at the Avalon. Now who knows what may have caused this gastrointestinal malaise. A little bit of the flu? Some bad seafood? Bulimia? We can't say. But like a good Irish girl, she eventually rebounded and headed directly to the bar for another drink. That's the spirit!

And no, we never got our photo.

Since nothing has apparently happened on the Tom Cruise front in, oh, seventy-two hours, I decided to dwindle down the Tom Cruise/Matt Lauer showdown from The Today Show into a convenient, thirty second package. And because no day is complete without a little passive-aggression, I even included Katie Couric's snippy little put-down of Tom at the end. Enjoy!

"You wouldn't happen to have any crack, would you?"

Okay, so I woke up this morning and realized something dreadful. I had completely forgotten to watch Being Bobby Brown last night. Don't worry though. I did Tivo it. But in the interest of saving time, I'm just going to sit down right now with the new TVgasm laptop and liveblog away. Let's go!

That's the question NBC is asking us now that Einstein the parrot is slated to squawk her way into Middle America's heart Wednesday on The Tonight Show. Animals have come and gone on The Tonight Show, but this segment is particularly interesting. After all, Leno is a parrot of sorts. He recites the same jokes night in, night out, and the audience applauds politely -- more for him finishing his sentences than for actually connecting with a punch line. So will Einstein the parrot be funnier than Leno the parrot? I wish I could tell you, but sadly, I won't be tuning in. Honestly, the only reason I'm writing about this is because there's nothing to comment on these days. Yawn. Oooh! Real World in three minutes! Yay!

If you aren't watching Reno 911!, well, I'm disappointed in you. Also, I'm liking the absurdist humor of Stella. These shows restore my faith that maybe, just maybe, the big networks will be able to launch a funny sitcom again. But that's just me and my crazy talk. Check out these shows Tuesdays starting at 10 PM on Comedy Central. And no, I was not paid (but I'm open to the idea).

New York Times reporter Judith Miller and The West Wing's Allison Janney

Ah, Judith Miller humor. Does it really get any better?

I didn't get time this week to recap MTV's '70s House, but that's not to say I didn't like it. The show is completely silly -- from its central conceit (the person who is the most "70s" wins) to its kooky hostess, Dawn -- but so light, wacky, and short that it's hard not to find it totally groovy, man. I enjoyed watching the eager contestants, weaned on years of funky Real World pads, react angrily to their '70s trappings -- a house which I thought was instantly cooler than any hot-tub infested reality show domicile of recent years. These kids seemed completely shocked by the decor. Haven't they ever visited an old person before? For shame! Also, the crappy van and old station wagon were great additions, as was the retro fondu party "reward" at which one spoiled kid balked: "This is a FON-DON'T!" I don't know. I think it's a-- well, you can read the headline.

What did you think?

Because I'm on a transcontinental JetBlue flight and because I have nothing better to do, I've decided to whip out the ol' TVgasm laptop and liveblog all the fun. So far, the televised offerings have been pretty sweet. A Wilfred Brimley ad here, a Mandy Patinkin ad there. I can't even imagine what the afternoon has in store for me. Hopefully it will bring respite from the hyper rumpus room that is this flight (there are so many loud, annoying kids on this plane, I think I'm gonna strain my neck from all the passive aggressive stares I've been hurling at the parents). But anyway, let's accentuate the positive: TV on an airplane! Yay!

Sometimes we forget the fact that not everyone has the same televised options as we do here in the TVgasm offices. A recent tour of an assisted living facility revealed a curious bit of programming for the elderly: a special screening of Dead Man Walking. Now that's just cruel. Way to kill the buzz after an afternoon of karaoke, socializing, and of course, "Hooray for Yiddish!"

Yes INXS has sold out, but not in the same way they used to. No longer packing arenas, the group's surviving members (A.K.A the ones no one knows) have begun a nationwide televised search for their new front (wo)man, to replace Michael Hutchence, who in 1997 died in a Sydney hotel room while preparing for their 20th anniversary tour. Man that would have been awesome, seeing INXS original members come together one last time for a 20th anniversary tour, hearing NEW SENSATION or DEVIL INSIDE!!! Man I love those songs!!! But alas, Hutchence's death ended all chances of that. If only I could hear those songs again. If only there was some way to hear someone else sing his songs, with original vocal backings and music....

That's right! In what amounts to celebrity-making INXS-themed karaoke, CBS will be broadcasting the quest for the next front (wo)man of a rock band who should have died with its original front man. This isn't like switching a Darren on us, or bringing in a new old chick to replace the old old chick who died on Night Court. This is like going to Vegas and seeing an Elvis look-alike and being told it's just as good.

In the opening scene of the show, the surviving band members stand over Hutchence's grave and reminisce about the good ol' days. They then unzip their pants and proceed to piss all over the tombstone. Don't misunderstand me, Hutchence was not saint. I mean, that asshole named his daughter "Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily" which, even at 15 months of age at the time, puts her at the top of my list of suspects in Hutchence's death.

My point is, you can't simply replace greats. If INXS wants to form a new band and hold auditions for a singer, fantastic, but to keep the name INXS when all those wash-ups had little to do with the bands' initial success....that’s just selling out, and not in the cool "we've made it in the industry" sellout, but in the "please don’t forget us, I have a lot of child support to pay" kinda pathetic F-up sellout.

I have no intention of watching this crap, even if the nation finds it as gripping as boxers ballroom dancing, and the ratings go through the roof, out of respect for the memory of rock 'n' roll, I absolutely will not watch.

And to Andrew, Kirk, Tom, Gerry and Jon,

Shame on you guys; be rock legends and let crap like this go to ‘NSYNC’ers of the world.

Someone needed to say it.

MYL

There's nothing we like more at TVgasm than an old fashioned cat fight, or -- as it's called when men are involved -- a feud. We've had some good ones this year -- Jessica Simpson and Lindsay Lohan, Tom Cruise and Brooke Shields, The Game and 50 Cent (twice!) -- but now Blender Magazine is reporting in its upcoming issue that the next big clash will surely be the most animated yet. Yes, Family Guy is taking on The Simpsons after the latter show depicted Peter Griffin as a clone of Homer Simpson last season. Upset with the implication that his series is just a cheap knockoff, Family Guy creator Seth MacFarlane called the gag "a definite slam," and shot back that The Simpsons is "not the show it was. It can't be. You can't do sixteen seasons and be consistent." Meeeeow!

With any luck, The Family Guy will take a few potshots at its elderly predecessor, thus heralding a new generation of inter-cartoon feuding. In the meantime, we can pass the days thinking of other animated characters we'd love to see in a smackdown. Fred Flintstone vs. George Jetson? Huey and Dewey vs. Chip and Dale? Lion-O vs. He-Man? The possibilities are endless!

What do you think? Which cartoons would you like to see go at it? And is Family Guy in its prime better than The Simpsons in its prime? Or does South Park just dwarf them all?

Ten days ago, I liveblogged my experiences on JetBlue airlines. It was a fun time, and hopefully everyone enjoyed my passing commentary about the minutiae of a cross-country flight. Well, now I'm on a United flight (or Untied, if you're dyslexic) back to Los Angeles, and I'm proud to say that the number of undisciplined, screaming children has diminished. The downside though is that this isn't JetBlue. That means I have to pay for meals, the seats aren't leather, and even worse: I'm captive to an airing of Joey. Yes, that's right. Normally, I wouldn't even tune in, but, well, how can I resist?

Other bonuses for this flight: I'll get to see Penelope Cruz and her borzoi nose in Sahara, and better yet, I can relish in the fact that one of my very favorite stars from 24 is sitting just a few rows ahead of me. Very exciting.

"Make Me Look Like Gary Busey"

The Superficial . com has captured beautiful images of the Malcom in the Middle's ex-girlfriend's new chops. No not acting chops; this Duff has gone from A cup pearls to DD CHOPPERS.

Though it's no secret the screen kings and queens prefer veneers to mother nature, not since....well, ever, have I seen someone walk into an orthodontist with beautiful healthy teeth and ask for "The Ringwald."

More before and afters beyond the jump.
For exreme close-ups, visit The Superficial

You never know what horrors you'll find on a Hollywood studio lot...

A few weeks ago, Average Joe: The Joes Strike Back quietly returned to NBC. I don't know how I missed it, but luckily, I managed to get the past few episodes on TiVo. Normally, I'd be upset at missing so many installments, but then again, everyone knows this show only gets interesting once the "hunks" show up. Watching them bully around the geeks, dweebs, and spazzes is always amusing and frustrating. The conflict is great, but it's painful to watch these guys curl up and take the abuse.

Surely, I thought I'd be over this show after the feel-good romp that was Beauty and the Geek, but after having caught the last two episodes this afternoon, I remembered why this was the only dating show I'm able to tolerate. And hey, it looks like one of the Average Joes might actually have a chance at winning this thing.

Because I'm too lazy to do a recap this week, I've instead opted to provide a few choice images from the past three weeks. More after the jump...

According to the latest edition of the top-secret UTA Joblist, an assistant position has opened up for what can only be considered the most sought-after management company in Los Angeles. I'll let the blurb explain:

Executive Assistant needed for a boutique management & production company who represent Ann-Margret, Engelbert Humperdinck, and developmental clients. Role includes general administrative/office duties, screening calls, coordinating travel with travel agents, production companies, tour managers etc., and coordinating PR for clients. Knowledge of Outlook, Word, & Excel.

Working for Engelbert and Ann-Margret? How lucky can one person be? The only thing missing is Robert Goulet. Good luck to all applicants!

Last night’s Six Feet Under is an attention-starved watercooler’s dream. For those of you that missed it because you were out drinking on a Sunday night, might I suggest reassessing what it is you're trying to escape from, and beginning where it no doubt hurts the most: Your childhood. For the rest of you out there that are like me, leaning against your husband (the stuffed kind that's almost as good as the real thing) in mismatched socks, eating Triscuits three at a time, might I suggest keeping some water nearby? I had few close calls last night, and rather than getting some Crystal Lite to wash it down, I just spewed sawdust all over my floor and continued ad nauseum. But hey, at least I’m not married to that bitch Vanessa -- Am I right? Am I right? Rico, baby, my pasta ain’t too salty, if you’re catchin’ what I’m throwin.

For those of you planning on corseting up later and HBO-Demanding this episode thanks to the wonders of dreknology (shout out to Mad Magazine), you may not want to spoil your soil by clicking ahead, you pussy.

[by Guest Columnist Erica; you can read her blog at ihearttv.blogspot.com]

It fascinates me that Sean Hayes, star of Will & Grace, is out there promoting his new show Situation: Comedy just as W & G is facing scorn and criticism over its 15 Emmy nominations. Nearly every article I read about the Emmys sees W & G as a show past its prime and undeserving of such accolades, yet we now have poor Sean Hayes holding himself up as an arbiter of television taste. Situation: Comedy.

Sit:Com features Sean Hayes (an Emmy Award-winner for his portrayal of Jack) and his producing partner Todd Milliner in a show that's exactly like Project: Greenlight, but with a sitcom instead of a movie. In a TV Guide interview, Hayes claims that "the execution is different," but I don't know if I believe him. Ultimately, viewers will see pilot episodes from the two finalists and vote on a winner that will have a chance of being picked up by NBC.

Will the contestants on Sit:Com take the (boring) high road of the first two seasons of Project: Greenlight? Will they come up with the next Everybody Loves Raymond? (Let's hope not.) I was pretty down on this show until I dug around on the website and discovered that the two finalists will have their pilots directed by Fred Savage (The Wonder Years) and Amanda Bearse (Married with Children). I might have to watch just to see Kevin Arnold and Marcy Rhodes duke it out - clothing optional, of course.

My recapping schedule is all messed up, mostly due to the fact that last night I wound up knee-deep in another reality star party. This time, however, I was actually invited, courtesy of our friends at E! Entertainment. J-Unit sadly couldn't make the trek, but I happened to have had two buddies with me at the time, and with camera in hand, we happily crashed (but not really, again -- invitation) the soirée.

What was the occasion? Why, the premiere of Kill Reality, of course! Don't worry, there'll be a full recap of that too (and Hell's Kitchen). But for now, check out these sweet-ass photos I took (okay, they're actually fairly lame. Eh, I tried my best).

After two weeks of nagging by loyal TVgasm readers, I finally decided to check out Brat Camp last night on ABC. I was not disappointed. No, I'm not saying that it was good or even enjoyable. I was simply satisfied in knowing how right I was for staying away. On the one hand, I feel badly for these kids for the deep emotional issues they grapple with. But on the other hand, must we force a camera in their faces and make them cry on national television? After all, what better way to boost a kid's self-esteem than by exposing them to the ridicule of asshole blogs like this one! Perhaps most objectionable though (at least for me, as an avid television watcher) is the fact that this hour-long, neo-hippie, feel-good program is just merely a more bloated version of any old Sally Jesse Raphael show, except now we're supposed to actually care about these wounded children. What happened to the days of booing at the proudly slutty bitch or the cocky asshole rebel? Back then, we liked watching these kids get their comeuppance as some beefy drill sergeant barked at them for hours on end. Alas, I guess that sort of sensationalism doesn't necessarily promote "growth," whatever that is, so it's off to the Oregon desert to build a fire, scale a cliff, and have Mother Raven heal our troubled youth. Can't wait for her book deal!

Thoughts on last night's episode after the jump...

Click on Josh (left) and Rocky (right) to hear them cry.

I was a little shocked today when I discovered that no sooner had I started watching Average Joe: The Joes Strike Back than the series was already over. OVER! Talk about wham, bam, thank you ma'am. Why the rush, NBC? Want to pepper your schedule with more repeats of Joey?

Well, the final two episodes played out in the humdrum manner we've come to expect from the show. First, we reacquainted ourselves with the exiled Average Joes who now had returned with their teeth straightened, their hair cut, and their fat...eh, still there. Anna plucked Nathan from the water fountain (seriously, they were standing on a water fountain), and then it was off to Tahiti for several massively staged dates. It was business as usual for the guys: Hunky Josh was sincere, Rocky was tall, Average Josh was complimentary, Nathan was funny, and Arthur was pathetically gushy, going so far as to perform a mini-triage on Anna's mystery splinter (it was actually a venomous bee sack!). Although Arthur seemed to push all the right buttons (he brought Anna flowers -- her fave!), he was ultimately cut, along with the Joshes. Hunky Josh took the blow harshly as his Chad Michael Murray facade devolved into a teary-eyed mess.

On the final episode, the last two remaining guys -- Rocky and Nathan -- had dates with Anna's mom. Unfortunately for Rocky, he couldn't quite master the art of "conversation" and had difficulty coming up with questions more stimulating than "So..." Nathan, however, aced the test, and after two dates (which I fast forwarded through -- sorry, lots of TV to catch up on!), the action dwindled down to Anna standing at the end of a long pier where she was to choose her man. Despite being dreamy and tall, Rocky was sent packing, and we watched him climb into the back of a covered pickup, perhaps off to fight in 'Nam. Nathan, meanwhile, won the gal, and the two boarded a boat and sailed off into reality oblivion.

While all this was fun and all, the real joy was listening to Rocky and Hunky Josh's tearful reactions. Click on their faces above to hear all their sobbing glory.

[by Erica]

I sat down to watch the premiere episode of Situation:Comedy (in which amateur writers vie for a chance at an NBC pilot) tonight, and it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. Although no contestant reached Gulager-like proportions of oddity or hilarity, they were all likeable enough. The premises of some of the shows selected for the finals included: a fish out of water story about a diner in Maine, a fish out of water story about a lodge in Alaska, a fish out of water story about a white pastor at a black church (are you sensing a pattern?), a show that sounded like Clerks in a clothing store, and a show that sounded just like Rushmore, only with an 11-year-old and not as quirky (this show, "Stephen's Life," will be one of the two pilots produced. No word yet on if Kevin Arnold will direct or if the honor will fall to Marcy D'Arcy.)

Sadly, the shows not chosen include a show about a lamp, a show about talking lasagna, and a show about a woman who stores things in her ass.

The other show chosen for the finals, called "The Sperm Donor," involved the story of a woman who tracks down the father of her 13-year-old daughter after the girl expresses a desire to meet the man who donated his sperm. To me, it sounds like a terrible, and unfunny, premise for a show.

Apparently, the WB didn't agree. According to The Futon Critic, the network has a midseason replacement scheduled called "Misconceptions" that sounds suspiciously like "The Sperm Donor." The WB show stars Jane Leeves (Frasier) and French Stewart (3rd Rock From the Sun), and The Futon Critic said it's "in the running to be the worst comedy pilot this season" and that it "feels like a bad early-1990s FOX sitcom magically transported to present day - all of its crappiness fully intact." Yup, that sounds about right.

In an attempt to broaden my TVgasm horizons, tonight I decided to switch on over to Current TV, the much heralded youth network brought to us by Al Gore, among other people. Surely this would be the edgy cable channel that would bridge the gap between MTV and Comedy Central. Well, after enduring a near interminable piece (or "pod" as they call it) on a female preacher from the South, I was rudely greeted by none other than Real World: Hawaii's Amaya, the whiny princess whose greatest claim to fame is, well, whining and crying on TV. But now she's the improbable face of a generation! Funny how these things happen.

Such is the way of Current TV, a noble but intensely bland attempt to wrangle in America's digital generation with an assault of "pods" and wooden hosts. The entire look and feel of the network, at least in this early conception, reeks of corporate Groupthink mixed with naive amateurism. Those two cornerstones of youth culture -- irony and subversion -- have been supplanted by endless mini-docs that bore more than they engage. One such pod features a bald-headed shoe collector who drones on and on (and still on) about Air Jordans. He explains, "We're gonna be going out to the Athletic House which is a shoe store... It's a mom and pop store which means it's not a chain, a national chain, or a big retailer. It's a local boutique." I don't necessarily fault the guy for explaining to us the definition of "Mom and Pop Store", but I do wonder why the editors and producers let air such mundane and unnecessary comments.

The problem, it seems, is that a bunch of well-intentioned old guys found some topics they thought were hip and then handed over the reigns to some inexperienced college grads or high school students. While I respect the opportunities the network affords these people, the truth is that they've churned out material barely more impressive than anything a teen can string together on iMovie. The sum effect is a series of vignettes that seem destined to find greatest traction in the classroom, not the living room. And that's a bad thing.

Additionally, there's a noticeable lack of humor or edge in the programming, most likely because these recently empowered filmmakers are probably more interested in making a Relevant Point rather than entertaining. Take for instance one pod which opens "Japan has one of the highest suicide rates in the world." Filmmaker Adam Yamaguchi admirably tries to shed light on this subject, but it's hard not to laugh when he earnestly faces the camera with a "This is serious!" face and says, "I've been talking to this 18 year old who says he wants to die, and I asked him if he'd be willing to meet with us in person, and he just wrote back to me and said that by the time we get to Japan, he'll already be dead." Not every pod is so grave though. One lighthearted installment attempts to look inside a newlywed couple's marriage, but the segment seems cutesy and bland, like maybe what we'd find on HGTV. This is the sort of programming that winds up skewered on the Daily Show -- which is not, I imagine, how the execs hoped to reach its audience.

On the plus side, the pod format is innovative, and the integration of the network with its homepage is impressive (the website provides live-updating info on when the next several pods will air). Also welcomed is a nifty onscreen progress bar that lets us know when any given pod will be ending (and believe me, it's often more exciting than the pod's actual content). Interstitials like the top ten Google queries containing "Naughty" are amusing and a few pods (such as one focusing on new trends in pre-fab homes) seem to be of a higher production caliber than the rest. Still, at the end of the day, it might be more effective to be connected, not current.

So here it is. My one chance. This is my chance to endorse a new show, on a major cable network, and possibly even get a quote in one of their ads. After over a year of writing for TVgasm, I found a new show not only worthy of my support, but one whose theme is so ripe for quotables, I just don't know where to begin. I guess I'll start with the skinny:

This summer, FX is finally beginning to reach out to the comedy genre, and from what I have seen, they are doing so in fine form with the new series Starved.

The press kit for Starved describes the show as a look into "the lives of four thirty-somethings who reside in Brooklyn and are battling various eating disorders." I know, sounds hillarious right? Ok, maybe not...but when we look into a world through writer/director/star Eric Schaeffer's eyes, anything is possible. Though the pilot has more of an indie-film feel, the 2nd and 3rd episodes are an excellent source of ab-crunching laughter. You'll laugh your guts out. I mean, I laughed so hard at Starved, I shit my pants...and lost weight!

Well, some things are just meant to happen, it seems. UPN has announced that Charisma Carpenter will be joining the cast, which means that yours truly, who never got over his thing for Cordelia Chase, will have to tune in for at least a few episodes. I have yet to actually commit any of this to the TiVo, but I promise it will happen soon.

In an effort to boost some interest in their show, UPN daddy Viacom has decided to air a few episodes on the Tiffany Network, ie CBS, perhaps as a way to prepare for the huge disappointment waiting to happen that they call Ghost Whisperer. I mean, I like JLH as much as the next guy, but her boobs aren't so "All That" for me to want to tune into that show.

Anyway, the spam filter has been a little overzealous, so I missed a reminder somebody sent me to give a little shout for everybody to watch Veronica Mars last Friday, when CBS aired two episodes. I do have time to let you know that Veronica Mars will air this Friday, August 5th and next Friday, August 12th, at 8PM Eastern and Pacific. UPN is also running episodes every Wednesday at 9PM. Like I said, I promise I will watch at least one episode, but in the meantime, feel free to let me know why it is so awesome and I should make it a season pass.

Ever wonder what Dawn, the groovy hostess of MTV's The '70s House, does during her free time? Well, if you guessed "drunken binges," you might be right. Here's a shot of Dawn being hauled in by Reno's finest. Kind of. Turns out that Natasha Leggero, the real-life actress who plays the character Dawn, had a little cameo on last night's episode of Reno 911!. Her pantless, drunken running-in-circles was a nice complement to the festive luau activity earlier in the evening, and since both these shows never cease to crack me up, I say the more crossover, the merrier. Hooray for working actresses!

[by Erica, you can read her blog at http://ihearttv.blogspot.com]

A few days ago, J-Unit posted about his Veronica Mars skepticism. Since I started watching the show I've encountered this same skepticism from a lot of my friends, all avid TV watchers who I know would love the show. I've heard "yeah, I know, I've heard it's really good but..." more times than I can count. And yet so far I've managed to convert more than a few friends, co-workers, and total strangers. After the jump, hear my rebuttals to some weak "I would watch, but..." excuses, all of which I've actually heard.

By EdHill

I have to admit: I haven't been watching Brat Camp at all this summer. I mean, with 3 hours a week of Big Brother and the live feeds on top of that, there's only so many hours in a day. But when you're offered a guest spot on TVgasm by the enigmatic B-Side himself (I like to think of him as my own personal Robin Masters, with me his Thomas Magnum), you don't say no. So I fired up the trusty TiVo and gave it a shot. And it's not that bad. Think Celebrity Boot Camp with less Lorenzo Lamas. If you haven't read last week's recap, in a nutshell they send 9 troubled teens to go out to the wilds of Oregon to hopefully learn something about themselves and change their destructive behavior. How destructive? Well thankfully ABC decided to boil down these kids' complex and troubled personalities to a phrase small enough so it can fit in a nice tidy onscreen graphic. Hence we have the "Angry Punk" and the " Hostile Outcast," or my personal favorite for its sheer randomness, Nick who is "Tried to Stab Twin." You would think "Has Anger Issues" would've worked just as well, but OK (And in his defense, this is his twin).

If I were a rich man... I would buy out the producers of Fiddler on the Roof and shut it down immediately. That's because according to an AP article, Rosie O'Donnell has joined the cast of the Broadway revival. This comes as frightening news for those of us who suffered through Riding The Bus With My Sister, a TV movie where Ms. O'Donnell went to great lengths to shatter our eardrums with her obnoxious portrayal of a mentally challenged woman. We can only imagine what sort of disaster awaits unsuspecting Fiddler audiences -- I full on expect a complete and total butchering of "Sunrise, Sunset."

For those of you lucky enough to have missed Rosie's seminal role of Beth in Riding The Bus With My Sister, feel free to enjoy her subtly nuanced performance here.

She's left Kabalah to dedicate her life to Buddha.

TVgasm would like to congratulate Britney and Kevin Federline, stars of the smash hit CHAOTIC on the fantastic network UPN. The photo confirms that the couple is expecting a healthy baby brontosaurus. Again, from all of us at the TVgasm home offices, congrats!

Which one will be Trump's next wife?

But the ever-fearless Donald Trump doesn't care. Yes, it is he who produces the pageant. By watching, I figured I'd get an inside scoop on future reality TV whores (and yes, I feel bad using that word) since so many seem to be "former beauty queens." From Amazing Race to The Cut to I Want to be a Hilton to Top Model, "former beauty queens" run rampant. And in Baton Rouge last night, they ran free with impossible Vaseline smiles, taped-up butt cheeks, and painfully lifted bosoms. They ran and danced and scampered about, confirming every single cliche we have. This is where the Laguna Beachers bask and the Beauties still laugh at the Geeks.

[by Erica, you can read her blog at http://ihearttv.blogspot.com]

If Janice Dickinson hanging her ass out a window on The Surreal Life was too raunchy (or just too disturbing) for you, you might be interested in a new show currently still in the audition stage. Pulpit Masters will be a 10-part weekly series featuring 12 aspiring preachers in a fight to see not who can be crazier, boozier, and a more disgusting human being, but rather to see who can be the most inspirational.

According to an article in the St. Louis Post-Dispatch, the contestants will live together and discuss their spiritual journeys. At the end of each episode, a live studio audience will eliminate the contestant with the worst speaking style and message. Contestants won't know what the grand prize is until the end of the show. The producers of the show are right in saying that religion is one of reality TV's least-discussed topics, but that might just be because watching people sit around discussing their religious views has the potential to be pretty boring. And their naivete is charming; "It's one of the rare reality TV shows where people on the show truly believe in their message, as opposed to wanting to be on TV," creator Tom Borden said. Someone should tell this guy can preachers can be fame whores too. Did he learn nothing from Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker?

"People need some good programming that doesn't make them feel violated," executive producer Tom McMahon said. If this show airs in December as the organizers say it will, I think he might learn that the American public actually enjoys being violated.

Parents & Teachers, print and post in view of "at risk" children.

E!'s neverending quest to put beautiful faces at beautiful places comes to a crashing halt tonight as party girl Tara Reid takes the helm at the E! series Wild On.

I feel E! should be praised for hiring someone with experience first, and looks sec-- thir--- well she has experience. Sadly, this is going to delay production on MY BOSS'S DAUGHTER 2 and the inevitable center square appearance on Surreal Life. I have never watched Wild On, nor do I want to start now, but like all nice wrecks, I'll rubberneck for a few moments then move on.

Trivia: how old do you think Tara Reid is??

Answer after the jump....

A few months back, I had a post about Pat O'Brien's star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Yes, I knew it wasn't the Pat O'Brien of "Look at me and say yes" fame, but it was good for comic effect, and I got to plug my favorite sushi in town, Kabuki. Some may say I pimped it too much, but I do love it, and go there at least every other week, and you know what? Sometimes, dedication really pays off. B-Side, S-Lo, and I decided to have a chill evening on the town and made our way to Hollywood. We placed our order, and while we were waiting, who should walk in, but a woman who has spent much of the time atop my short list. That's right! It was Sarah Michelle Gellar looking quite the dish in her trendy denim and lavender top.

Read the complete tale after the jump. If you don't want to hear me gush, you'll probably want to skip this one.

"Battle" sucks ass. I'll save you the 90 minutes of boredom and present to you the best moments via screencaps.

It may shock people to know that we here at TVgasm actually have friends in the reality star community. Yes, for all our savage roasting, some people actually still like us, which is why we're always happy to promote their latest ventures.

And so, in the great tradition of name dropping that is TVgasm, I write to humbly alert you that our friend Marcellas Reynolds of Big Brother 3 will be on How Do I Look tonight on the Style Network. Here's his simple plea: "I sing some great new songs in it! Oh wait I'm not a singer, I'm a stylist." So check it out. The show airs at 8pm, a.k.a. right now on the East Coast.

So Rev Run has a new video called "Mind on the Road" and as usual, he sounds kind of mad. That's why it's so funny that right smack dab in the middle of the video, Rev Run plucks some balloons out of the sky and hands them to a little girl with a most doting expression. Funny. 50 Cent never does that.

It's one of the more effete moments in recent hip hop music video history, and honestly, my description hardly does it justice. That's why I've provided a clip of the video. Watch as Rev Run goes from doting Mother Hen to angry tarmac rapper.

If you happen to catch the video in its entirety, viewers will be lucky enough to catch one Donald Trump yelling out, "Hey Rev! You're the best!" (Sorry, forgot to get a clip of that). And if you're still bored, try to check out the new Tommy Lee video for "Good Times." It ranks as one of the worst lip-synched videos of all time. Literally. The guy cannot sing along to his own song. I would post it, but I'm pretty sure a low res quicktime file wouldn't do it justice.

Continuing my theme of useless J-Unit information you probably aren't interested in but will read anyway because it is still more interesting than what's happening in your office, I would like to take a moment to plug the new HBO Original Series Rome. I was very nearly a Classics minor in college, but the fact that I had no interest in Latin as a language hindered me a bit. I figured why in the hell should I worry about translation when plenty of other people have done the work, and with much more attention to detail than I could have mustered after three games of pong? I would have done Greek and Roman Studies, but the class schedule would not work out with my major, anthropology. Undaunted, I took as many of those classes in Reed Hall as possible. And ask all of those girls who have fallen for my words from Pliny and Livy, I am a better man for it. (Actually, if you can find somebody who can read that last sentence and not laugh at how miserable it sounds, let me know.)

But back to the main point. The series brings viewers to the tumultuous time of ancient Rome, towards the end of the republic when fools like Cato and Pompey were running things. Caesar had just conquered the Gauls, and he was about to put the smack down on Rome as well. After some civil war and lots of fighting around the Mediterranean (including a little stop in Egypt for some Macedonian tail in the form of Cleopatra), he was named dictator for life, and then promptly got a nice little shiv (actually more than 20) from his friends in the Senate. All of that eventually led to the rise of the Roman Empire.

Normally, I would be loathe for any network to take on such an epic story (Armande Asante in The Odyssey, anyone?), but HBO is a network that could pull it off. Will it be historically accurate? To an extent, I am sure it will be, but this is television, so don't expect any miracles. Will it be entertaining? Let's be honest, it can't be worse than Alexander. You should at least check a few episodes before it starts getting spanked by Desperate Housewives.

If you are interested in the series, there is a 30 minute preview at AOL and a 10 minute behind-the-scenes at Yahoo!. Barring any unforeseen change of events or piles of money, there won't be any TVgasm recaps on Rome since you can already read what happens in, you know, books. Rome premieres this Sunday, August 28th, at 9PM Eastern, 6PM Pacific.

You may have thought I'd given up on Battle of the Network Reality Stars, but no... with the ever-entertaining Simon Sez battle this week, I had to tune in. And who knows... maybe there would be a "side of beef carrying contest" and with our girl Charla still in the ranks, I wouldn't miss that for the world.

Alas, the show is still terrible and nowhere near worthy of a proper recap, so enjoy the photo-cap of the "Greatest gathering of reality stars ever assembled," according to host Mike Adamle. That's kind of like October 13, 1997 after a night out at Loco Perro for dinner and tequila shooters, I had the "greatest crap I've ever taken," but we'll take what we can get.

For the past few weeks, Bravo has been quietly airing a small reality series named Situation: Comedy. Chances are you haven't seen it because it's been shuffled around the schedule seemingly every week. Nevertheless, like the giant fishing net that it is, the Tivo has managed to rein in all the episodes, and I'm proud to say that I've watched every show. You can pay me later, Bravo.

I haven't been recapping it because for the most part, while the series is interesting, it's a bit quaint and dull. That's not to say I didn't like it. As someone who's worked in the television industry for the past seven years, I actually found Situation: Comedy's look at the pilot process enjoyable, even fascinating.

The basic premise behind Situation: Comedy is that two writers (or teams of writers, as it were) would be plucked from the ether, Project: Greenlight style, and allowed to produce their very own pilot presentations. Then the audience would vote on which pilot it likes more, thus crowning a winner who will go on to bigger and better things in the world of network television.

Well, last week I took a gander at these finished pilot presentations (they're hosted at AOL. Voting ends on Friday), and I'll just put it out there: they're both horrendous. Really honest-to-god awful.

Normally, I'd just close my browser, but since I always have to say my piece, I did cast a vote. The official TVgasm endorsement (or at least, my endorsement) after the jump.

The new television season is upon us, and there are many new shows to choose from. Autumn is a great time for television viewers, as we get new programming that seeks to make it easier for us to spend hours in front of the television screen. It's also a great time for television bloggers because we are fed up with even more programming that is doomed to fail, providing us with plenty of actors, writers, and networks that will be embarrassed by the low ratings of various new works that they have hyped since early this year. It's our job to constantly remind those people how bad their shows are so we never have to feel that pain again. We also feel it is our job to guide you through the maze of new programming with the hope of keeping all of you watching proper, quality television. Or we'll just laugh at these recommendations when they're all cancelled by Thanksgiving.

After the jump, our staff brings you some suggestions on what to look out for as you start to set those season passes in the next couple of weeks.

Two shows are wrapping up their seasons tonight: The first, Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List, gets my vote as the funniest and possibly most interesting "celebreality" show since season one of The Osbournes. Unlike other star-studded reality shows (cough, Bobby and Whitney, Chaotic, The Anna Nicole Smith Show), Kathy Griffin actually brings something to the table. She seems refreshingly honest, and we actually get some sort of insight as to the obstacles she faces, both in her career and her personal life. We see what fuels her, and at the very least, we get a good number of laughs along the way, courtesy of her generally scathing remarks. If you haven't caught this brief season, check it out tonight at 10 PM on Bravo. Definitely one of the surprises of the summer. Oh, and I put the picture up of "Melanie" because she's my friend.

Another surprise of the summer has been The Cut and how completely derivative it is. You might not know it, but this show has actually been around for a few months now, and tonight, CBS moves it yet again (5th time) to a new time slot for the big finale. It's a shame, really. This show actually had a fantastic cast with colorful, energetic, and crazy characters. Alas, too bad Tommy was more rigid than Julie Chen playing freeze tag. For those interested to see who wins the big prize, tune in at 8 PM on CBS. J. Lo and Naomi Campbell will be making cameos, and we know they always lead to good things...

In the first part of our fall preview spectacular, the TVgasm staff took it upon ourselves to hand out some reccommendations of programming that would do you good. In part two, we take on an equally important and challenging task; we point out the worst floating around so you don't waste countless hours finding out for yourself. As a bonus, we predict the series we think will be cancelled first. And for all of you network executives out there, we dish out some free advice in the form of ideas for pilots we would like to see on the air.

It's official. I'm on board the Reunion train. While some of the scenes may have been melodramatic, this soap/mystery/nostalgia-tour managed to pull me in surprisingly quick. I guess I can chalk that up to dual love triangles, a teen pregnancy, a Bonfire of the Vanities car wreck, and oh yeah, a nifty premise that'll probably keep me hooked all season. Add to that an appealing cast and a fun selection of 80s music, and Fox has itself a bona fide gem.

Unlike The OC, which long ago confused itself for a primetime drama instead of a nighttime soap, Reunion knows exactly what it is. The creators seem to have an idea about teen pulp and manage to sell a litany of conflicts to us in just the first act alone. Yeah, it doesn't have the sharp comedy that season one of The OC had, but I'd settle for clear storytelling any day. Can't wait for 1987!

It's official. Chaotic stars Britney Spears and Kevin Federline have finally become parents. The poptart gave birth to a baby boy this afternoon, thus ushering in yet another paycheck for some lucky therapist fifteen years from now. Technically, this is K-Fed's third child, or fourth if you count his beloved do-rag.

More information here.

I just watched a screener of Everybody Hates Chris, premiering tonight on UPN (in case you missed the three billion billboards and ads everywhere), and honestly, I loved it.

Now that I've overhyped it and probably ruined the entire experience, let me explain.

All summer long, the critics have been buzzing about this show. Best new show of the fall, they said. Yeah, yeah, yeah, what else is new? Then Madeyoulaugh IMed me last week and echoed their sentiments. I went from intrigued to actively curious. So I finally got my hands on an advance copy of the show (which really is not that hard considering the pilot came with the latest Entertainment Weekly, I believe) and watched it.

My faith in the sitcom has been restored.

This show was both funny (for real funny, not lowered post-Joey standards funny) and heartfelt. The comedy was sharp, the emotion sincere (not sentimental), and the casting perfect.

Of course, UPN was ever so kind to schedule this on the busiest hour of the week. The show faces stiff competition from every single network, even The WB. CBS has Survivor, Fox has The OC, ABC has Alias, The WB has Smallville, and NBC has Joey (okay, maybe NBC is a bit of a no-show). My only humble request is that people somehow find this series. We need comedy. We need fresh voices. Everybody Hates Chris has both.

And if you've seen it, what do you think? Have I over-hyped it? Or done it justice?

Sorry to interrupt, but I just wanted to take a moment to congratulate our old friend Jerri Blank on her Supreme Court nomination. Love that eyeliner Jer.

The ongoing trend of "celebreality," as VH1 calls it, continues tonight with the premiere of Run's House on MTV. The show follows around Rev Run of Run DMC as he juggles all the responsibilities of being a father, a husband, a reverend, and an executive. Okay, basically, it's just another knock-off of The Osbournes. MTV was ever so kind to send us the premiere episode, and while I won't recap it, I'm happy to say that the show ain't half bad. It's nothing great, or even memorable, but it's warm and enjoyable enough to pass a spare half-hour of time. Rev Run -- or "Daddy" -- is surprisingly affable, and like The Osbournes, the show manages to cut through the glitz and glam of its showbiz trappings and present us a loving, functional family unit.

The premiere episode, which deals primarily with daughter Angela's graduation party, seems to veer dangerously into My Super Sweet Sixteen territory, but we slowly discover that while these kids may be privileged, they're not spoiled -- at least, not as far as we can tell. Take THAT, Kelly and Jack! And for those fans of awkward male shirtlessness, take note: we get to see mogul Russell Simmons sans top. If that doesn't sell you, I don't know what will.

And if you want to get an extra good look at Run's House, feel free to check it out. Literally. He's selling it.

Also, there is still time to win Season 2 of The OC and Season 4 of Smallville on DVD direct from TVgasm. The OC giveaway ends October 25th and the Smallville giveaway ends the 31st.

madeyoulaugh lets us know we've arrived

Do the Pussycat Dolls have a tranny in their midst? We can't say for sure, but based on this image from their "Stickwitu" video, all signs point to yes. And if not a tranny, then perhaps a very slutty version of The Joker. Either way: scary.

Update: This "doll's" name is Carmit. Talk about a tranny name...

Alot of TVgasm readers have begged for a recap of the double Trading Spouses episode that aired over the last couple weeks. I did happen to see most of each episode, but it was one of those momentous television events that stood on its own. Plus, as a devotee of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, I am afraid to delve into the world of making fun of Christian Warriors for God too much. Oh, who the hell am I kidding? If you appear on reality TV, you're fair game. And if you're completely batshit insane, all the better.

With Pat Robertson condemning tiny Dover, PA to a natural disaster of some sort and the Weavers invoking God whenever their selfish needs desire on The Amazing Race, Crazy Christians are popping up all over my TV. Enter Margaret Perrin on Trading Spouses. I am not about to recap the two episodes - or even come close to doing so - but I will offer a few observations after the jump.

So to all you kids all across the land, send your parents to Steve, he'll make them understand.

Nick and Jessica, stars of the MTV hit Newlyweds, have finally officially separated. Now we can breathe a sigh of relief as we no longer have to ponder "Are the rumors true? Are they splitsville? Do I have no life?"

I suppose this was inevitable. Young Hollywood can only have so many happily married couples, and with the recent engagement news of Talan Torriero and Kimberly Stewart, some other dumb-in-love twosome would have to crumble down. Full story here.

Enough curious links and salacious items wound up in my inbox over the weekend that I thought I'd simply share them here in this all-in-one TVgasm gossip post.

• Reality Blurred had the wonderful privilege of seeing Real World: Austin couple Danny and Melinda talk at a local college (a joy I shared just three months ago). Danny unsurprisingly denies that MTV bought his wedding ring, and he also reveals that he just finished shooting a Real World/Road Rules Challenge down in Australia. Of course, when I met Danny at his Cal State Northridge "lecture," he was so furious with his portrayal on the show that he promised to never ever EVER go on a Challenge. Funny how money and idiocy can change things. Most amusingly though, Danny then complains that he had to reimburse MTV $336.97 three times for repeatedly breaking a lamp in the phone area. Hey dude, here's a tip. STOP BREAKING THE DAMN LAMP.


• In other Real World: Austin gossip news, there's this crazy rumor started by a blog called My Little Agenda that our favorite bowl-cut poseur Wes was mauled by a kangaroo in Australia. Insiders tell me that despite the highly detailed reporting, this is all a sham (don't I sound very cool saying "insiders"?). But then again, I do know that Wes was a mysterious no-show for an interview at a certain TV show (that I work on) a few weeks ago. Maybe he was stuck in traffic. Or maybe he was ailing from a KANGAROO ATTACK!!!! I guess we'll find out in time. No word, by the way, on whether or not the kangaroo has been dropped from Wes's groupie drawer (probably not).


• In case you haven't already seen it, this person like totally heard some awesome gossip about Laguna Beach! Read it with a grain of salt, but enjoy anyway.


• Our friend Perez Hilton went to Mekhi Pheiffer's holiday party Saturday night where he met Urkel of all people. Of course, if you fly with the TVgasm crowd, you know that exactly one year prior to the day, Urkel was hangin' out at B-Side's birthday party on the Sunset Strip. He was really cool. As am I for bragging about it, natch.

We here at TVgasm are proud to announce that sometime contributor and full-time punster Youcantmakeitup will be joking it up on VH1's So Jewtastic, premiering this morning at 11 AM EST (with an encore at 9 PM EST). We don't know how much of her we'll actually see, but if those producers know what they're doing, they'll present her front and center. Neverthless, regardless of screentime, youcantmakeitup has now officially joined the ranks of fellow panelists Brooke Burke, Jackie Mason, Ron Jeremy, Dr. Ruth, and Dustin "Screech" Diamond. I can only wish for such notoriety.

For more youcantmakeitup (including her real name -- ooooh!), feel free to check out her self-titled blog here.

It has been nearly a month since season 2 of Laguna Beach departed primetime cable on it's way to becoming quite the darling DVD boxed set. Speaking of which, you would think that anybody in with half of a brain in that marketing department would give B-side an advanced copy so he can properly deem it worthy to the masses, and maybe along the way allowing us another reader DVD giveaway. (Still time for you to get ER or Gilmore Girls!). To be honest, I never understood the hype of the show, and fearing that I don't have the intellectual chops to hang with all of those deep discussions, mainly stayed out of the fray. The success of Laguna Beach has spawned many other projects, from The Hills which promises to show us how LC goes from the beach to Los Angeles, and just recently two devoted readers, SB and MC, mentioned that E!'s Kristen Veitch says that Laguna Beach Kristin is going to pull a Marissa Cooper and go gay for pay(and publicity) on a future episode of Veronica Mars. Yay Viacom incest!

Still, if you can't wait for any of that, A&E is going to be bringing a new series from the creators of Laguna Beach starting next week. The series is called Rollergirls and promises to help us "step inside the fast-paced, dangerous world of roller derby". Nobody is saying that this show will be any good, but after being fed approximately 1 million commercials for the show over the course of a few 24 marathons, I feel I have to say something about it or my soul will never be at peace. I sure as hell don't want Venis Envy or Punky Bruiser coming after me. Roller derby is decidedly "sports entertainment", that shadowy grey area between pure competition, athletic spectacle, and scripted action. If you liked the format of Laguna Beach and how it presented stories to the viewer, you may find that Rollergirls cures your Laguna fix. If you're interested, find out when Rollergirls is on in your area.

Back in my day, before shows had celebrities dancing and ice skating, we had to settle for a small, teeny, low budget show which sent everday Americans in an amazing race around the world...and we liked it that way. Many of you may be too young to remember Johnathan and Victoria from CBS' amazing race...we are going all the way back to the end of ought four. She was the Playboy beauty whos husbands...umm...verve for winning, shocked a nation when that need to win lead to the tiniest smallest misunderstanding and maybe a shove....it was a love tap really.

This past new years eve, while lounging at the Playboy mansion (yes I am bragging), I had the opprotunity to awkwardly admit to team JV that some of the more slightly damaging posts about them were written by yours truly. Surprisingly, he didnt hit me! We actually had a good little laugh...and Jon and Vicoria agreed to a one on one interview with TVGASM to both promote their upcoming stint on REALITY FEAR FACTOR, as well as clear the air that seems to be following them now just over a year later.

This will not be your average Dr. Phil interview. We will ask the questions you want to hear...which leads me to the reason for my post (other than to tell you all I was at the playboy mansion)....what questions do you want me to ask Johnathan & Victoria? Jonathan has already agreed to be very open and honest and that he wont pussy foot. So let ride this bull and see how long we can stay on.

Email me with your questions for team JV and maybe they will make it to my lips and their ears.

In the mean time, may you all have a brilliant 2006, and umm...I was at the playboy mansion if I didnt mention that already.

I don't often watch Celebrity Fit Club, but after seeing the commercials for this week's episode, I had to check out the much-ballyhooed Jeff Conaway meltdown. It did not disappoint. For those of you needing a little context, here's the situation. Basically, he was high. That's all you need, right?

B-Side is still hard at work on his recap for Dancing With the Stars, but for those of you jonesing for a little ballroom dancing news, I thought I would give you a little heads up about America's Ballroom Challenge. It's a two part, two hour special brought to us by PBS and WGBH, who were kind enough to send us a copy. Like many other dance competitions, couples compete in several different categories. In America's Ballroom Challenge, we start with six different couples competing in four different categories (American Rhythm, American Smooth, International Latin and International Standard). The top three from each category compete to be crowned the winner for that specific style, but unlike most competitions, those four winners compete once again to be named "America's Best."

While you may not recognize a lot of names (Tony Dovolani from the current DWTS does compete), the difference in skill level makes up for it. During the initial rounds, all six couples compete on the floor at once, and drama that ensues is larger than even the collagen in Lisa Rinna's lips. And if you thought Stacy Keibler looked good with almost nothing on, you should check out the best of what Bedford Hills has to offer. The first episode airs this Wednesday, February 1st at 8PM Eastern(check local listings) and re-airs on Sunday. Yes, this may have conflicts with American Idol and the Superbowl's 48 hour pre-show, but watching the dancers do it America's Ballroom Challenge-style does have some bonuses, among them color commentary from Marilu Henner and Tony Meredith and the complete absence of Bruno Tonioli.

I am very, very excited. I just happened to notice that The Cannonball Run 2001 is back. Sort of. The Fox Reality Channel is airing reruns of the short-lived but much beloved series all this week. In case you haven't heard of the show, it's certainly worth checking out. Think of it as a predecessor to The Amazing Race. Basically, mismatched teams of three race across the U.S., but unlike The Amazing Race: Family Edition, the show depends on kitschy challenges and crappy jalopies to provide all the drama and fun. Perhaps the best element of the series, however, is the casting: one team features two frat guys stuck with an old black lady named Princess. Another group has a guy racing with his girlfriend -- and his ex. And before it was even fashionable for reality stars to prolongue their existences by reappearing on show after show, The Cannonball Run served as a reality whore pioneer by featuring a team of Sue Hawk (Survivor: Borneo), Jeff Varner (Survivor: Outback), and Kaya (Temptation Island). Maybe if enough people tune in to the reruns this week, my dream of a Cannonball Run resurrection will come true.

For the three of you that get Fox Reality, the show will be airing all this week at 8 PM (EST) and again at midnight. (Click here to check local listings.)

While I think there are plenty of you who would care about the series, it also gives us a chance for another giveaway. If your brains are hurting too much from the scavenger hunt, maybe this new giveaway will be a little more your style. To enter the Cheerleader Nation giveaway, simply e-mail contests@tvgasm.com with the subject Cheerleader Nation. In the body of the message, include your favorite cheerleading moment from television or the movies. Perhaps it is Chloe taking a run at cheering in Smallville? Maybe it is James VanDerBeek getting an eyeful in Varsity Blues? Clearly any scene from Bring It On will work. Entries will be accepted until Friday, March 10, and we will pick the winners at random. First place is a $50 American Express Gift Card, and second and third place winners receive a Cheerleader Nation t-shirt and pom pom set. Remember, one entry per e-mail address/household, you must be eighteen to enter, and winners must live in the United States or Canada.

Same day, and in some markets, same time. Tyra Banks from The Tyra Banks Show on March 1st, 2006. Kennedy from Reality Remix on March 1st 2006.

Las Vegas Law is a reality show that follows well-known Las Vegas defense attorney Bucky Buchanan. When I first watched the show a few weeks ago, it was not what I expected. Defense attorneys aren't the most popular people, but even so, I found it hard to get any enjoyment out of watching this guy defend, among others, people accused of kidnapping, domestic violence, meth addiction, and prostitution. What he does might be a little unsavory to some, but his job is to be an advocate for his client, and in every case, that is exactly what he does. If you liked series like Dog the Bounty Hunter and Family Bonds, you should give Las Vegas Law shot, as you get a look at some of these same types of people, but on the other side of the tale. For those interested, it's on CourtTV Tuesdays at 10 PM EST (Check local listings).

Cheerleading is so big in Lexington, KY that you hardly need a football or basketball team to cheer for. One great part about Cheerleader Nation is that we get to see a lot more of the parents, who are just as involved as their daughters are when it comes to the competitions. To say they are living vicariously through their children is an understatement. You sort of feel bad for some of these moms that they have nothing else to do besides decorate the McMansion and hope that Alexa can make varsity squad and Kaitlyn is good enough to be the captain, because it is still hard to believe that people would take such things so seriously, but let's be honest, it's still fun to laugh at them.

The big news today is that Wafah Dufour Bin Ladin (a.k.a. the niece of Osama Bin Laden) will be starring in her very own reality show. Produced by ReganMedia, rumor has it this show has been in the works for quite some time now, starting right after Wafah's scandalous GQ photo spread. So will people watch Wafah's daily struggle on her "quest for stardom?" Maybe. Maybe not. But here's the good news. The door has now been blown wide open for other reality shows starring women with infamous ties, and we couldn't be more excited. A full guide to the newest stars of "Terroreality" after the jump.

< sarcasm >
Finally our prayers have been answered.

For too long television sets across America have been inundated with mindless drivel. Shows about people stuck on islands, aspiring models eating pig rectums and baboon wang, The O'Reilly Factor...

I know what you're thinking, and I completely agree, "None of those shows have the class, depth and elegance of Tori Spelling." Well rest assured, after years of writing letters to the President of Show business, my dream is finally coming to fruition.

Yes, no longer shall out televisions be barren of Tori Spelling playing a satirical version of herself. For the powers that be at VH1 have decided to tell a story that need be told. After watching the preview for the new show SO NoTORIus, the emotional fervor stirred in such a short time can be likened to this .

Please sit back and enjoy it for yourself after the jump.
< /sarcasm >

Sad news to report today, former game show host and giver of gasms Peter Tomarken died yesterday of natural causes brought on by a plane plunging into the ocean. Now while TVgasm doesn't often post obituaries, when the passer was giver of many a 'gasm, their passing should not go unnoticed. I'm not sure how many people will admit to watching this show with the fervor and gusto that I did, but I remember being a kid and faking an illness in order to stay home from school and watch Press Your Luck. To this day I still use "big bucks no whammies, and STOP-- on a whammy" when poking fun at what chick our B-Side has brought home from a bar or Weight Watchers meeting. Stepping into the huge shoes of game guru Monty Hall, Peter Tomarken was host of PYL when in 1984, Michael Larson figured out the not so random order the wall lit up and took the gameshow for $110,237 in cash and prizes. It was just one of several Press Your Luck TVgasms had over the years, and I am so not ashamed to step up and say as a kid, I loved that show.

Tomarkin, you, your porcelain veneers, your huge tan and hair were and 80's game show staple, and you will be missed. Big bucks good friend, big bucks.

UPDATE: Tonight GSN will be airing Big Bucks: The Press Your Luck Scandal, and this Sunday will be run a 9 hour Press Your Luck Marathon. (Check local listings.)

Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Just last August, one of our beloved Power Rangers entered the world of tabloid scandal when he was accused of a gruesome double murder involving a yacht, two old people, and an anchor of death. Now comes word of a new Power Ranger scandal. According to Pink is the New Blog and Fleshbot, former Red Power Ranger Austin St. John has found a new career in gay porn. Allegedly. Nothing has been confirmed, but a man called "Brock" has surfaced on a website called SeanCody.com, which features amateur man-on-man action, among other things. The similarities are striking, but we won't sign off on this until we see current photos of the former Power Ranger (isn't it ironic that his stage name sounds more porn-tastic than his porn name? I mean, Austin St. John?).

Nevertheless, all these shenanigans got me thinking. What other cruel fates might befall the other former Power Rangers? Our predictions after the jump...

Without Survivor on last night, I decided to check out ABC's much ballyhooed new show, American Inventor. This show is such a clone of American Idol, it's almost hurts. Not only are the initials the same, but the audition format is nearly identical -- as is the music, the look, the fake-Seacrest host, and just about everything else. Imagine that: an invention show that fails to be, well, inventive.

It's therefore no surprise to find out that Simon Cowell is one of the producers on the project. For someone who likes to preach about being fresh and original, Simon certainly knows how to recycle the trash. Add to this a cloying undercurrent of zealous patriotism and a lame attempt to mask mass humiliation in the American Dream, and you've got the makings of a reality mess.

Our worst nightmares have come true. The Pussycat Dolls are looking to break into TV with their very own reality show. And it gets worse: the executive producer will be Charlie's Angels director and TVgasm neighbor, McG. Yes, it's the union of two horrendous forces, surely signifying the start of the apocalypse. I have to admit that I'd probably tune in just to ogle at redheaded doll Carmit's scary, tranny Joker face.

Nevertheless, the show couldn't be much worse than Britney and Kevin: Chaotic, but then again, if it's anything close to as annoying as Carmit's blog, chances are we could be in for one of the worst TV series of all time. Note the flagrant abuse of caps lock:

WOW THIS YEAR HAS GOT US BACK ON THE FAST TRACK AGAIN! ALREADY!!! DID Y’ALL SEE TRL??? IT WAS SO FUN. THEY INVITED US TO DO STICKWITCHU ON VALENTINES DAY…..AWWWWW THEN WE DID A SURPRISE PERFORMANCE OF BUTTONS(WHICH WILL BE OUR 4TH SINGLE!) NEWAYZ, IT WAS GREAT! ALTHOUGH WHEN WE GOT TO NY THERE WAS A BLIZZARD AND IT WAS FREEZING! YEEEEEESH RIGHT NOW WE’RE SITTING AT THE AIRPORT WAITING FOR OUR DELAYED FLIGHT TO VEGAS TO SHOOT THE VIEW WITH AVANT. HE REALLY DID HIS THING ON THE REMIX! HE’S SO COOL- K GOTTA BOARD NOW! CATCH YA MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMUAAAAH! LOVE,FOXY