It's Monday. I have nothing to do. No lingering recaps I need to address. No noteworthy news items to write up. No random celebrity sightings to report. So what better way to pass the time than by watching TV? It's as honorable a past time as any other activity, right? It'll be like flying JetBlue -- except instead of being on a plane, I'll be sitting at my desk, quietly wishing some random stewardess would come by and offer me chocolate chip biscotti. Hey, it could happen.
12:03 PM
The Maury Povitch Show. Some angry woman is complaining that her boyfriend Darwin has been cheating on her. For three years, she's been finding condoms, lipstick, and other damning pieces of evidence all over the place. Oh, and one time, she found Darwin in a hotel room after a friend tipped her off. And now she's saying that one time, he left the house to go to the store and came back four days later. Oh no he di'int! Girlfriend, you better find a better man! But seriously, you're a complete idiot if you're still hanging around this guy.
12:07 PM
Darwin comes on stage and reveals that those condoms in his car were from the "clinic." Well, that proves it! Total fidelity!
12:08 PM
My brain has suddenly rotted away to half its size after watching just eight minutes of Maury Povitch. Must... change... channel...
12:09 PM
Yay! Wilfred Brimley! He's talking about Liberty Medical. And he's alive! Who knew?
12:13 PM
Oxygen has Grace Under Fire on. Did people ever watch this show? How did it get on the air? Oh, I forgot. Brett Butler is a comedic GENIUS. Clearly.
12:14 PM
Moving into other women's television territory, I find myself at Lifetime which is showcasing seminal thriller, Stranger in My Bed. According to the DirecTV description, this cinematic masterpiece is about a woman who endangers her life when she fakes her own death to leave her abusive and jealous husband. Because we've never seen that on Lifetime. I wonder if this heroine ultimately finds peace and tranquility -- and yet a sense of purpose and empowerment. Only time will tell!
12:23 PM
Ah yes. My favorite news channel produced by the local high school A/V Club: Current TV! Presently we're witnessing a wild exposé about Texas. "What does Cowboy Up mean?" asks the vapid girl posing as a journalist. This is only the first of many hard-hitting questions such as "Where is 'Down yonder'?" and "So how many people does 'y'all' encompass?" Our intrepid journalist is also amazed by such wacky language as "You betcha" and "You're doggone right." Congratulations, Al Gore. You've made a news channel of IDIOTS.
12:29 PM
"You gotta respect a state that makes a cheesecake in its own image," says idiot reporter girl as she bites into a slice of cheesecake that looks like, you guessed it, Texas. You know what else you gotta respect? PEOPLE WHO AREN'T IDIOTS.
12:31 PM
The Texas story is finally over. Now we're seeing the top ten most clicked-on headlines on Google. Great. "Tom, Katie, and Suri Doing 'Beautifully'" is #2. Wow, I feel so informed. I'm going to walk around and tell people that. I'm sure people will be really fascinated.
12:38 PM
Oooh! Channel 18 has a movie called Bad Housewife on. This should be exciting.
12:38 PM
Just my luck. Bad Housewife is in Mandarin. And yet, it's sort of awesome all the same. From what I can tell, a woman -- possibly the bad housewife in question -- is facing a panel of men. She's rubbing her hands and... oh, scene is over. Now some guy is eating rice at a restaurant. A matronly woman/waitress is bantering with him. I think she just kicked him out of the restaurant. Bad housewife? How about BAD WAITRESS.
12:40 PM
By the way, Bad Housewife is amazing. I've never seen a guy look so forlorn to be cut out of a restaurant. He literally just walked the streets in slow motion, occasionally looking up to the heavens as if to ask, "WHYYY???" Sounds like somebody didn't get his fortune cookie.
12:41 PM
A guy and his wife are watching TV. Well, actually, he's watching TV. She's babbling on the phone. They should rename this Chatty Housewife. Zing!
12:42 PM
Husband and wife are fighting! Husband is so mad, he has to leave and go to a bar. I kid you not, the Asian version of Weird Al Yankovic is the bartender. The Asian male perm is a many splendored thing.
12:46 PM
Random mambo music comes on, and we cut to commercial. I immediately have an epileptic seizure. Seriously, you should see this shit. Pausing to get screen captures...
CRAZY. Yet awesome.
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Comments (18)
If you're going to date a guy named Darwin, you have to expect that he'll be out there trying to spread his seed and propogate his genetic line as much as possible. Of course, where do the condoms fit in this scenario?
1 of 18 | Posted by JasonR
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Posted on April 24, 2006 12:09 PM
i dunno, i'm in my office and i've lined up three ginger ales.
tic tac toe.
2 of 18 | Posted by jash
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Posted on April 24, 2006 12:09 PM
Doing boring data entry and decided to check my favorite website...oh goodie something to amuse me!
hb
3 of 18 | Posted by HoneyBunny
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Posted on April 24, 2006 12:10 PM
My sister TiVoed Stranger in My Bed. I find it oddly amusing how Lifetime can pull a thousand movies with the same plotline off.
4 of 18 | Posted by Mark
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Posted on April 24, 2006 12:14 PM
Jash, that is hysterical! That is hands down one of my favorite lines from B-Side. If only because it shows us that the mighty stumble too.
The other day my coworkers and I gathered around the TV at work to watch the MoPo Show titled, and I shit you not, "My Fear of Mustard and Pickles is Ruining My Life." It was genius.
5 of 18 | Posted by scorpiella
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Posted on April 24, 2006 12:17 PM
Not only did I watch Grace Under Fire the first time around, but when Oxygen started running them I DVRd them all for my daughter to watch after she came home from work. Saw them all from beginning to end. How sorry does that make me?
6 of 18 | Posted by boomersmommy
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Posted on April 24, 2006 12:19 PM
B-side, if you're still bored, there is a Desperate Housewives episode no one recapped...
7 of 18 | Posted by Clair
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Posted on April 24, 2006 12:51 PM
" (불량주부, Bul-lyang Joo-boo) is a Korean drama series, produced and aired in 2005 by SBS. The series is also known as Mr. Housewife and Bad Wife.
The show revolves around the lives of Koo Soo-han (Son Chang Min) and Choi Mi-na (Shin Ae Ra), a married couple with a daughter, Song-yi (Lee Young Yoo) and their neighbors and acquaintances. The show regularly made jokes about the stereotypical themes Korean dramas usually have, for example that one of the characters contracts a terminal disease. At the end of each episode there was also a skit called Useful Tips for Everyday Life."
Ooh, can't wait to hear the tips.
8 of 18 | Posted by Mark
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Posted on April 24, 2006 12:52 PM
Drug company advertisements make me sick...are they supposed to?
hb
9 of 18 | Posted by HoneyBunny
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Posted on April 24, 2006 1:00 PM
I thought that "Stranger in my Bed" sounded familiar - like a Julia Roberts movie I'd seen once.
IMDB time... nope that wasn't the title, although apparently the same movie has been made twice (1986, 2005) for TV.
Search on Julia Roberts... ah, there it is - the obviously much different Sleeping with the Enemy from 1991...
10 of 18 | Posted by jeff
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Posted on April 24, 2006 2:36 PM
That commercial was for Ranch Market 99. How funny we have that market here but I don't ever remember seeing that commercial and I do believe I would remember seeing such fine cinematography.
In the book "Sleeping with the Enemy" Julia Roberts character actually goes to her husbands hotel and kills him. I totally prefer that ending.
Leaving work in 45 minutes, am bored but prefer working to watching 10 minutes of Maury.
11 of 18 | Posted by palmtree
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Posted on April 24, 2006 3:00 PM
Hey, you've got to head over to KDOC-TV for a Mission Impossible rerun!
12 of 18 | Posted by Jumpcut
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Posted on April 24, 2006 3:08 PM
Aw, palmtree beat me to it. I guess I don't watch enough of the Chinese/Korean programming to catch this fine advert. Now I'm curious to go into the local one and see if they've got these characters in the stores too. WTF the hippo with implants has to do with anything East Asian is beyond me. BTW 99 Ranch is dirt cheap on some things, and if you want your fish fresh -- hell, sometimes they're still swimming.
Mike, Bad Housewife actually sounds kinda funny. And better for you than Maury.
This sort of thing is one of the many reasons TVgasm outrocks all other TV sites.
13 of 18 | Posted by lurkertype
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Posted on April 24, 2006 3:15 PM
Thanks a lot Lurkertype, I actually had to scroll up and see what the heck you were talking about and sure enough I just saw a hippo with implants and that folks is how my day at work is gonna end!!! :)
B-Side, to bad you can't catch a Golden Girls rerun yet. Love Lifetime for that reason. Sad to say I have seen every single episode. Some people need to have a thing and I guess that's mine. Yeah, I know I need a life, until that time comes "...thank you for being a friend..."
14 of 18 | Posted by palmtree
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Posted on April 24, 2006 3:45 PM
ah, let's discuss raven. what's up with raven? she was so cute on the cosby show. now she just makes me want to run. and that cheese eating shot just kind of made my stomach hurt.
15 of 18 | Posted by Leah3t
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Posted on April 25, 2006 6:48 AM
Speaking of Raven, this was on Overheardinnewyork.com:
Teen girl #1: Bitches be dissin' on Disney Channel.
Teen girl #2: Yeah.
Teen girl #1: But you know them bitches be runnin' home to watch That's So Raven.
Teen girl #2: It's 7:15.
Teen girl #1: Shit, we gonna miss it.
16 of 18 | Posted by fycin
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Posted on April 25, 2006 8:34 AM
I have been unable to post for weeks. This darn job...how dare my employer give me so much work that it interferes with my enjoyment of tvgasm posts, or my tvgasment, if you will. Really dug this liveblog almost as much as your post from the sky while cruising on jetblue. Well done!
17 of 18 | Posted by bluebell
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Posted on April 25, 2006 12:53 PM
fycin- that is fantastic! (and a new web site for me to check- yipee!)
18 of 18 | Posted by Leah3t
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Posted on April 25, 2006 3:20 PM