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As we all know, honest, unbiased reporting is rare in the American media these days. Fortunately, now we have Fox News to show us the way with its "Fair and Balanced" approach. A godsend! The results are astonishing!
Exhibit A:
10/30/04
Fox News poll: Bush up by 2%
Fox News headline: FOX POLL: BUSH UP BY TWO POINTS OVER KERRY
11/1/04
Fox News poll: Kerry up by 2%
Fox News headline: FOX NATIONAL POLL: VOTERS SPLIT
Commendable! With such lofty standards of fairness and balance in mind, TVgasm presents 2004 election coverage, minute-by-minute from TVgasm Election Headquarters in Manhattan.
8:30pm
Just started watching coverage. So I'm a little late. A couple states at the bottom are red, a couple at the top are blue. Blah blah blah.
8:39pm, CNN
Wolf Blitzer explains the red-vs.-blue coloring of states on the map. OH MY GOD SO THAT'S WHAT IT MEANS.
8:42pm, NBC
Tom Brokaw asks Howard Dean if we should have a "fusion goverment." Yes, Tom, then we could rename the White House "Chez Nippon" or "Chinois on Main." Wolfgang Puck could be Secretary of Scallions.
8:45pm, NBC
Tom Brokaw notes that Kerry, Edwards, Bush, and Cheney each have two daughters. Wait, one of them is a lesbian? You mean like a L*E*S*B*I*A*N?!?? I hadn't heard. My, that's shocking!
8:48pm, CNN
Speaking of gays, it's Anderson Cooper! Way to play straight to keep your Nielsens up in the red states!
8:51pm, NBC
Now it's Brian Williams, the new NBC Nightly News anchor slated to replace Tom Brokaw effective tomorrow. Whoa, he looks just like... Tom Brokaw.
8:54pm, ABC
The venerable Peter Jennings is wearing a red AND blue tie. Make up your damn mind.
8:57pm, CNN
Paula Zahn mediates a panel consisting of Crossfire regulars James Carville, Paul Begala, Bob Novak, and Tucker Carlson—a recipe for calm, non-shrill debate if I ever saw one. Carville looks like a Skeletor bobblehead doll. Paula, inexplicably, is wearing one of those headset-style mics. Maybe she's auditioning for Rent.
9:00pm, CNN
Wolf Blitzer LOVES the big CNN projection board. Sticking to his trademark subtlety, he predicts that the Colorado electoral-vote-splitting ballot amendment "will go down, will fail, will not be passed." Thanks for the clarification, Herr Blitzer. Maybe repeat it for us in sign language. Tagalog? Esperanto?
9:01pm, CNN
Wolf prances giddily out in front of the projection board, proclaiming "Let's tally!" OH YES, LET'S.
9:02pm, CNN
Okay, now Wolf is getting lost in the big projection board. He can't find states. Is this his first election? Or is he just an idiot.
9:04pm, CNN
Aha, Larry King! I knew he'd rear his heavily-embalmed head at some point.
9:06pm, CNN
Speaking of embalmed, Judy Woodruff appears. Judy, that sweater... severe.
9:09pm, CNN
Now Wolf is interviewing Washington Post heavyweight Bob Woodward. Bob likes to pronounce "measure" like MAYzhure and "mature" like maTOOR. Wolf asks Bob repeatedly, in as many ways as he can think of, who will win the election:
Wolf: "So, Bob, what's your feeling at this point?"
Bob: "I think it's too close to call."
Wolf: "How are the battleground states looking?"
Bob: "I really think we'll have to wait and see."
Wolf: "Any indications one way or the other?"
Bob: "Not yet."
Wolf: "But do you have a feeling, Bob?"
Bob: "Die."
9:10pm, CNN
Larry King, armed with ceaseless stupid questions, continues to lower the lowest common denominator. Cause we really need that in America.
9:14pm, CNN
Oh, now it's Rudy Giuliani, still displaying buttburn as a result of his recent precipitous slide from America's Mayor down to Puppet-Henchman-in-Chief. Rudy lauds Bush to no end and feels "tremendous personal devotion to him." I take that to mean no-strings fellatio on Tuesday evenings, but if anyone has an alternate explanation, by all means.
9:26pm, CNN
Wolf WILL NOT SHUT UP about "raw data." I guess he just really prefers it raw.
9:27pm, Fox News
Time to hold our noses and switch to Fox News. Greeting us with a twinkle in her "eyes" is Greta Van Susteren. Charming!
9:28pm, Fox News
Oh, big surprise, Rudy shows up on Fox. Harlot.
9:34pm, CNN
Not sure why all the networks are crazy about street-level glassed-in studios in Midtown. In any case, the hordes of fans/maniacs behind the glass at the CNN studio are just begging for mass euthanasia. Maybe Herr Blitzer can take care of it.
9:36pm, CNN
Commentator David Gergen says momentum is shifting toward Bush. Hmph.
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Comments (17)
I enjoyed NBC's "Democracy Plaza" which apparently comes equipped with the "Freedom Skating Rink" and the "Liberty Christmas Tree" which is lit in a ceremony hosted by the "Pursuit of Happiness Al Roker".
1 of 17 | Posted by b-side | Posted on November 3, 2004 3:41 PM
If it wasn't for all of those damn Bible thumping, gun toting, religious country bumpkins then Kerry could have won and if they didn't dictate their moral beliefs onto everybody else then Bush would not be the president. I thought only good presidents were suppose to get reelected. Can you tell I live in one of the gay states?...and damn proud of it.
Good summary of the election coverage by the way.
2 of 17 | Posted by Lisa | Posted on November 3, 2004 10:53 PM
Ain't it funny that those Gay states look like a limp dick penetrating Mid-America...
3 of 17 | Posted by Mike Rice | Posted on November 4, 2004 6:41 AM
Judy Woodruff made the evening for me. First, she practically broke down crying when she had to call Florida for Bush. Then, she appeared to tear up when she tried to explain exactly how John Kerry would get 130,000 more votes than Bush from some 250,000 provisional ballots.
4 of 17 | Posted by SaveFerris | Posted on November 4, 2004 9:50 AM
I love your break-down of election night coverage. In fact, I'm going to post a link to this in my live journal.
And then right after I do that, I'm packing for New Zealand. Be back in 4 years.
5 of 17 | Posted by Genevieve | Posted on November 4, 2004 10:39 AM
Honestly, this country will be better off without you if you can't support the person that the MAJORITY elected. Maybe you should reconsider coming back in four years.
6 of 17 | Posted by Rick | Posted on November 4, 2004 1:03 PM
Aww, Rickyboy, why so humorless? If you're looking for a site that's free of exaggeration and tongue-in-cheekness, I suggest you try anncoulter.com. Oh wait.
7 of 17 | Posted by m_ruv | Posted on November 4, 2004 2:09 PM
I loved the rundown of your tv coverage by the networks, the good, the bad and the ugly. Funny as hell. And true, whether the tongue was planted firmly in or out of the cheek. Depending on the state you live in, you get to pick the cheek. You could also provide a service for all your internet fans and post the apartment addresses of all those leaving the country, since good apartments are hard to find in places like New York and San Francisco. Maybe this site could have an adjunct real estate section. Think of the monetary possibilities.
8 of 17 | Posted by Clyde Hogg | Posted on November 4, 2004 6:04 PM
If I lived in Illinois, I would have brought a pen to my polling place so I could cross out "Alan Keyes" and replace it with "My Balls". If this was repeated in every precinct, Barack Obama might have had a fight on his hands.
9 of 17 | Posted by J-Unit | Posted on November 4, 2004 6:19 PM
when gays n god divide america, holy sex will unite america.
10 of 17 | Posted by Lord | Posted on November 5, 2004 6:22 AM
I have a rental available in Haiti...any takers???
11 of 17 | Posted by julietine | Posted on November 5, 2004 6:55 AM
I've just spent the last 4 years being pissed off. Now I have to be in a bad mood for ANOTHER 4? Damn it!
Hey, Kerry supporters in Ohio - what's up with this result? Why didn't you get out and stuff the ballot boxes or something? It's been working here in Chicago for years, after all...
12 of 17 | Posted by Jason | Posted on November 5, 2004 7:01 AM
Ohio voters banned gay marriage, but passed a tax levy for the Columbus Zoo. They care more about animals than about their hairderssers and interior designers!
13 of 17 | Posted by Bamm-Bamm | Posted on November 5, 2004 7:36 AM
We are actually moving to Vancouver, just like most of the jobs in our industry, but you wouldn't like our apt., julietine & rick -- 'cause it costs $18 K a/year, so about half of your monthly meth habit, and we see DARK PEOPLE every time we step outside.
See I grew up in a "red" state & all my friends live in "red" states, well not really, and I still don't know one person who "voted" for What's-His-Last-Name-Again?
Stalin said, "It's not he who votes, it's he who COUNTS the votes." Electronic voting machines just coincidentally owned and operated by companies who promised Ohio to Bush showed three times the total for Bush in certain districts than the number of voters in that district? Hmmmmm....
Remember that crack Jr. made about wanting to be a dictator? Well, Bushies, looks like you ALL got what you wanted. And I'm a married woman (to a man) who has been a registered Independent for 20 years. G*D HELP AMERICA, MY HOME SWEET HOME.
14 of 17 | Posted by Which Way is Canukistan? | Posted on November 6, 2004 3:23 PM
to "which way is canukistan?"
wah...wah...wah....take your loss like a real man or a real woman.....you lost.....we won
15 of 17 | Posted by martin m | Posted on November 6, 2004 10:11 PM
I have to say one of my favourite parts of the election 2004 coverage had to be Jeff Greenfield. That man has such contempt for everyone, it is great! You could tell he wanted to kill Larry King, if it is possible to kill the living dead. I remember around 2 or 3am Larry kept asking one retarded question after another and made the mistake of asking Jeff a question who promptly told Larry his question had nothing to do with the election. GO JEFF!
I also watched the CBC (I’m Canadian) and BBC. I only watch CNN for entertainment purposes since it is not real news. Sorry but I don’t care who killed Lacy Peterson but I do care who was responsible for Abu Garib. Anyway, the CBC coverage was hosted by two men whose toupees possibly could be older than Larry King. The guests on this show were obviously two random sign holders and had never been on TV before. One of them kept franticly waving her arms while she was talking. It just proves that anyone can be an expert on Canadian TV. The BBC on the other has a much higher budget and boy did they put it to use. Wanting to outdo Wolf and his wall of TV’s the BBC had a giant interactive map on the floor. The best part was when they showed what the Electoral College map looked like in 1918.
16 of 17 | Posted by Jessica | Posted on November 7, 2004 2:22 PM
Hey Which Way is Canukistan? I was trying to use sarcasm to show how stupid Americans are by voting for this brainless dunce....I am so beside myself...what were people thinking voting for this guy???...I really have nowhere to go so I have to spend the next 4 yrs commiserating with other bloggers like me....God Help us All...I know in my heart that it will not be pretty...and for the record, I am a heterosexual woman who believes that gays marrying is as consequential to me as the pizza delivery guy being good at golf...I do not care!...I just want my pizza!!!....and regarding abortion...well I have never had one but I would never stand in the way of a woman excercising her RIGHT to have one..after all it is HER freaking body and she must have her reasons...Oh I am so pissed off right now I need more tequila...
17 of 17 | Posted by julietine | Posted on November 7, 2004 6:30 PM