The show starts off with all 52 girls (including Miss District of Columbia and Miss Virgin Islands) filing out of the bus in their evening gowns and giant ass sparkling crowns. Each girl is sizing up their opponent when Michael Urie bursts through the doors of the house, revealing that he is the host.

"My eyes. MY EYES!"

All the queens scream and so do I. I LOVE him! He is by far my favorite gay on TV. Everybody watch Ugly Betty! He is fabulous as Marc St. James. He explains that Miss America is super outdated and needs a makeover. They are going to reinvent their hair, makeup, clothes, and make them walk with sass. The girls are all screaming to show excitement. There will be challenges every week to see how the girls can transform themselves from drab to fab. There will be three judges who will critique their every move and make them cry. Then they will rank the girls and reveal a top and bottom three to measure their progress. Yay pageants!

Charity case 2008.

Michael's voice gets all low and creepy and says that once the girls go inside the house and the doors close there is no turning back. The girls look confused and also a little frightened and you literally hear crickets in the background. But then they are told to come inside and the screams return. I was getting worried there for a second.

There is a TV right next to him and he shows us clips of people who were randomly asked on the street about their feelings towards the Miss America pageant. I'm preeeeeetty sure these people were set up. The cameraman probably slipped them some cash money and told them to act sad that the pageant isn't what it used to be. The people are acting as though Miss America is what holds our country together. Obviously giant ball gowns and flaming batons are all we care about. Terrorism schmerrorism.

Then they show this little old woman who I have no doubt in my mind used to watch Miss America back in the day.

It was almost called Miss Britain, you know.

And then they show this guy, who I have no doubt in my mind is reading a cue card when he says, "It was special."

Can I have my twenty now? I'm hungry.

The queens looked a little shell shocked that people aren't into it. Do they not remember the Tara Conner fiasco from Miss USA? She did coke, went to rehab AND got to keep her crown. Us people outside the pageant world just may be a little turned off. What we did all learn is that the Donald loves hopeless cases. And really hot blondes. It was an all around shocker we just haven't gotten over yet.

Michael explains that this year America wants the winner to be relatable and stylish. Whoever embodies these qualities by the end of this four-week exercise wins fabulous prizes! More screams.

Before we get to the judges or the prizes, its time to crush the queen's egos a little bit. Specials guests Stacy and Clinton from What Not to Wear run out of the house. Nice plug for other shows on your network TLC. Can a Paige Davis guest spot be too far off? I love this duo, but I also fear them. I would never subject myself to the 360-degree mirror room. They are here to start ripping the girls apart by searching the contestant's suitcases. Here we go! Tear 'em down! Make them cry! And quick!

That crown makes your ass look huge.

The first lucky queen is Miss Pennsylvania. GOOOOO PA! That's my home state. I can't help but be a little partial. Anyway, they pull out this hideous white dress. Clinton comments that it's made of polyester and only strippers wear that. Miss PA is not a happy camper. She tells us in the confessional that she watches What Not to Wear, yet we can see she has learned nothing from it.

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Posted in Miss America by NebbGirl at 2:13 AM | Permalink | Comments (7)
Last Comment: sour orange on Jan 22, 2008 06:45 PM.