Love can be both fat and crazy.
This week on more to love, Luke takes Christian and Mandy out dancing, because he is racist. Then he takes Malissa on a tandem bike, because he is prejudiced against bikes. Then, he takes the rest of the girls to the beach because he hates the moon. Yes, this shit gets REAL, and fast. Bikes are broken. Hearts are broken. Farts are sounded. Well, they're sounded in the large laser light show ampatheatre that is my mind.
Hey Bitches! The griddle's heating up with this week's more to LOVERS. A litter of six, to be exact. Last week, between fat, sweat and tears Lucky Luke sent bitch-ass Lauren and the Virgin Melissa home.
But not me (sob). I'm FUN!
Christian, to my ultimate dismay, still stays. And, she's apparently going into hibernation for next season, as evidenced by her love for butter and waffles.
The Los Angeles winters are notoriously harsh.
Melissa makes a snarky comment (what? NO SHIT) about all the other girls going home. Still, Christian waddles back into the room with a NOTE from LUKE! LUUUUUKKKKEE! Of course, Christian goes apeshit. NOTES! With gay-ass handwriting!
aformentioned gay-ass handwriting
Oh, and here's Christian, acting as if she just won the lottery, or got a good grade on her book report based on acclaimed young adult novel, "The Outsiders."
Dance, pony girl! DANCE!
Heather is getting worried that everyone's super fucking comeptitive, and she should be. Did you just see Christian? She bit the head off of a bat to get a one-on-one with Luke! Tali? She assembles guns. I mean, even Anna's half zombie! (see last post).
These bitches are crazy.
Anyhoo, Luke's gay note says Mandy Mcboring and Christian Crazyowitz are going dancing with Luke later that day. Whoopee. Luke says he's taking Mandy and Christian on the dancing date because "they're the two best dancers in the house." What? Mandy's a dance instructor and Christian is like, BLACK (sorta).
God, LUKE. You should be ashamed.
That's so RACIST.
The racially-bised man and dates in question.
God, Luke should be ASHAMED. But I digress into racial verisimilitude. DANCE DATE!
Meanwhile, boring Mandy is distinguishing herself from the rest of the group with some extremely saggy titties.
Push those up, Mando. Long beach is watching!
Christian ADORABLY quotes Julia Roberts with "I've got moves you've never seen," while going on and throwing some Steel Magnolia quotes in for good measure. Oh, that Christian. She loves her girl flicks.
I embroider pillows with Julia Roberts' face on them. Eeee! I'm 12.
Then, some hot-ass looking dancers come out. I love this part of the show, where the fatties are FORCED to interact with people not of their ilk (aka, in shape) and they feel shitty about themselves ALL OVER AGAIN. Oh, it's a cruel, cruel world...
..but someone has to be there for second and third helpings.
Let the awkward dance montage commence. First, Christian looks like a little girl who got her first daquiri at her Dad's business party.
My body feels funny when Uncle Billy gave me that bitter drink!
Then, commence dancing with Luke.
This is almost what fat people sex looks like, only without the flimsy layers of clothing.
Naturally, Mandy is pissed and wants to beat that dumbass smile off Christian's face. Yeah, you and me both, Mandy McBoring. Prop those titties up and grab your lame man!
Or, watch lie to me on Monday the 28th.
Then Mandy goes and shows that indeed, sometimes people are racist and assume black people can do things that they can't! Not me, I'm not racist. Fuck you guys! I HATE YOU! (weeps).
Back at the house, the girls decide to make cupcakes, eat them, and maybe leave Luke one or two. YARF!
Malissa: Scheming or Hungry?
Then, Luke gives his inevitable "I could get used to this!" Comment which makes Mandy and Christian feel good. Yeah, Luke, I could get used to being the star of a reality TV show, too, with dozens of cameras, free drinks, unlimited steak and potato salad and lots of emotionally greedy women grappling for real estate around your (probably) 4.5 inch penis. Yeah, we could ALL get used to that, you fucker.
But I digress. Lucky Luke wants his one on one time with Christian, first, and Mandy's quickly on the road to bitch. Yeah, it's like the road to wellville, only without Matthew Broderick and with MORE corn flakes. Get it? MORE! Cereal. Fat people. No, I'm not racist.
Oh, check out Luke's douchey hairdo:
...and gross unbuttoned shirt. What a catch!
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Comments (11)
Is this show as horrible to watch as it is to read about? Just can't bring myself to look. Had to stop reading and give a high five for the Outsider's ref. Fantastic Mona! Carry on.
1 of 11 | Posted by shantigal | Posted on August 29, 2009 9:30 AM
I confess, this is the first recap of this show I've read. What was I thinking? I'll have to go back and read all of them.
Uber funny Mona. Do the cast offs get sent right over to Dance Your Ass Off? Now that would be a great lead out.
2 of 11 | Posted by shantigal | Posted on August 29, 2009 9:45 AM
Wait...he's only 26???
3 of 11 | Posted by judyjudy | Posted on August 29, 2009 12:16 PM
I believe that's the age of his double-chin.
Now, I have a question: Does this mean next episode they'll do the fantasy suite thing?
Ewwww. Hope you have your shots, Mona.
4 of 11 | Posted by itchy | Posted on August 29, 2009 2:25 PM
"What the fuck am I doing here?" under the zebra, best line ever...
I tried to watch this show and only made it through the first 20 minutes of the first episode. For some reason the producers came up with the equation of fat chick + fat guy = fatty love. Luke just annoys the crap out of me.
5 of 11 | Posted by carol | Posted on August 29, 2009 3:50 PM
Ok I've never seen the show but this recap is hilarioous!
This one had me rolling-
It's like we're in a genital herpes commercial, but are FAT!
That's exactly what it looks like but I never would have put it together. Thanks for the laughs.
6 of 11 | Posted by soapboxx | Posted on August 29, 2009 6:24 PM
Well, there goes my theory that Kristian would be Luke's perfect mate. I thought she was just clueless and immature enough to get along well with him as a sort of "older brother" figure.
He seems to be going for looks now. Mandy doesn't even look that fat to me. The others are definitely the cream of the crop as far as looks go. Kristian was cute but just too big for Luke.
7 of 11 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on August 30, 2009 12:25 AM
I mean that Kristian was just too big for Luke's liking, not for Luke. Nobody is "too big" for that dude.
I LOVE the zebra caption. It's like they rode their bike into some weird alternate reality--or Neverland Ranch. (Same thing, huh?)
8 of 11 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on August 30, 2009 12:27 AM
I'd have to say that Luke's choices may *seem* geared toward merely looks: i.e. preferring the ladies who are thinner, but most of it has to do with their own self-images. The larger women have larger esteem issues (hmmm.. what a coincidence.)
Everyone, large or not, has the right to like whom they like. If, for example, woebegone Melissa had genuinely accepted herself, Luke would possibly have been much more into her. As it was, she turned him off with her lack of confidence.
He's attracted to happy. There's nothing wrong with that! Notice his favourites seem the most cheerful, especially Malissa.
By levelling the field (walking on it probably helped) and eliminating the women's main source of rejection, Luke merited their trust. If they continued to moan and complain, what's he supposed to do about it?
I think he's just a normal big guy who wants to fall in love with a normal girl, big or not, and the show spins it any way it wants for ratings.
Go Luke! If I picked one of the remaining 4 for you, it would be Malissa. While I think she can be catty, she appears to be the most, uh .. well-rounded.
LOL!!!!
9 of 11 | Posted by Wizechik | Posted on September 1, 2009 2:12 PM
This recap was so funny I could not stop laughing! Brilliant!
10 of 11 | Posted by champcess | Posted on September 1, 2009 2:56 PM
I thought it was already established that you can't tell how healthy a person is based on looks alone. There are a lot of women who work out and eat right and still happen to be large. I guess there are those morons who are determined to continue fat shaming people who have nothing to be ashamed about. Really, you offended a skinny bitch with your fat jokes. That's pretty hard to do.
11 of 11 | Posted by alex_w | Posted on September 1, 2009 10:33 PM