I will eat you.
This week on more to love, the "good wife" "bad wife" exercise basically fucks with the fragile minds of all the plus-size ladies in the house. Well, that's all the ladies. The person who wins and loses the exercise cry a lot, go on a one-on-one date, and the rest of the ladies smother the contents of a taco on their breastesses before elimination. I'm not even joking.
Ugh, you guys, so sorry I didn't have a 'cap for you last week. My head exploded from extreme doses of self-pity, desperation and racism. Every time I tried to watch MORE TO LOVE episode 3 (we'll call it the prom episode) I started spewing what looked like chicken fingers and cool ranch doritos out of every oriface of my body. Yes, I'm still being studied and will probably go down in Medical books as being a victim of this extreme, yet highly contagious ailment.
Also, I'm writing from inside a plastic bubble.
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a bubble
Anyhoo, last episode Luke asks all the girls out to the prom, assuming that- OF COURSE- they haven't been because they're perceived by everyone but him as being fat lumps of ugly. Nice, Luke. After using his time machine to go back to 1984 to find them some appropriately hideous prom dresses, Luke busts out some deliciously embarrassing dance moves and charms his fat maidens even more!
He's like a panda. Fat girls are his bamboo.
Then he takes Heather McSobs a lot on a date, HORSEBACK RIDING. This is especially interesting to me, an ex-trail guide, considering in ALASKA on DRAUGHT HORSES we were only allowed to put people on our horses if they were 250 lbs or less. I would say Luke's...thigh is about that much. Poor horses.
Kill us
In the end, cool indie fattie who is stuck in the fifties, Tracy Turnblad and some other brown-haired, doughy-faced ladies go home. Man, Crazy Christian stays, though....that crazy bitch needs to GO.
On THIS Episode, Emme gets let out of the basement to round up the girls.
Take away this ball and chain...
Luke, in a romantic breakfast alone on his couch, wants a woman's perspective on the girls. OF COURSE, this is the EPISODE where they get PITTED AGAINST EACH OTHER. They'd better drink a lot of water (or fruit punch, or whatever fat people drink) because I feel that the floods' a-comin.'
Because every object in the house looks like a motherfucking wedding ring, Emme tells the girls to pick up the tacky jeweled disks and to rate the fatty standing up as either a "good wife,"
Plus 150 pounds
or a "Bad wife,"
plus 150 pounds
Yes, a Jerry Garcia-eque man photoshopped into a mini-cooper is something I CONSIDER a bad wife. And know what? I have like seven PhDs, mostly in watching fat women cry. Well, there's that one in archaology.
Anyhoo, the horses are spooked in this stable.
Emme, complete with grave facial expressions.
Hey, that disk looks like I cookie! I think that's the real danger in this exercise.
Melissa is worried because "her personality is all she has." Yeah, I know- as if these women have award-winning personalities to match their hot, taught bodies. I mean, seriously, I love how the person with the shittiest self-esteem and personal worth think's shes a joy to have a beer with. Is she delirious! Maybe she's just light headed because she hasn't eaten in five minutes.
Christian Crazypants is up first.
Everyone but Heather thinks she'd make a bad wife.
Please don't think badly of me, just because I think you're worthless.
Of course, bitchy Lauren is having a FIELD DAY getting to prey on the women publicly without seeming like a bitch, you know, because she was asked to. I'm sure I'm not the first or last to say this, but fuck Lauren with her greasy face, expressively bitchy eyes and her wilty bouffants. Go try to be the "bad girl" on biggest loser or some shit where you show less skin. Gross.
Tali the "holier than thou" israeli is also fairly bitchy. I think everyone can agree Christian needs to finish 8th grade before pursuing a husband on a reality tv show.
That is like, so not fair.
Heather is next, and everyone thinks she'd be a good wife except...well, you guessed it!
Wanna fight?
She points out that this exercise isn't called "good person," "bad person." Touche, bitch.
Thinking of cool ranch....
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Comments (10)
I've come to truly appreciate your recaps of this show, Mona. At first, I thought all the fat, ugly references were harsh, but now I realize that you are faithfully recreating the focus of the show. It just screams, "These women are fat and pathetic!" which is horrible because there are a few of them who are quite pretty and seem to have OK self-esteem (Anna, Kali).
I'm beginning to think crazy Kristian is the right woman for Luke. She has the dog-like devotion he likes, and the fact that she is so immature goes with his treatment of women as idiots. Also, she is a kindergarten teacher (good with kids).
1 of 10 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on August 23, 2009 3:30 PM
Why am I the only one commenting? Does everyone else have LIVES???
2 of 10 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on August 23, 2009 10:38 PM
Okay pixie ... I'll help you. There there.
Kristian was so shocked *sob* that anybody w-would *hic-sob* think she was *sniffle sob sob* too unstable and emotional to be a *sob choke sniffle gag* good wife!
Honestly, was the audition process based on being the most pathetic? "We can't take healthy, body-image-positive women on this show. We need to make Luke look good, so let's find the neediest, hungriest (pun too easy) wallflowers we can, that'll boost the ratings! OH and let's not forget the token mean girl." .. actually I'm surprised they let Luke eliminate Lauren so soon... like, before the F3. I'd have been curious how her folks would respond to Mr. Cue Card.
"Hey, there's a windup key in his back!! KEWL!!"
3 of 10 | Posted by Wizechiklet | Posted on August 24, 2009 8:21 AM
Okay I laughed my way through this recap. You are putting into written form everything I am thinking (only you are funnier) while watching this show.
Can someone please ask Luke to have a personality? The only thing we have ever heard him say is he likes plus size beautiful women who are confident. THAT IS IS IT. If I were those women I would be running for the hills for fear of being in a marriage with a robot.
uggg.
4 of 10 | Posted by kesila | Posted on August 24, 2009 10:24 AM
my prediction: Final Two will be Heather and Malissa
5 of 10 | Posted by LisaMay | Posted on August 24, 2009 12:43 PM
Pixie, for a moment there I thought you might be auditioning for season 2 of this show. ;-D
No point in watching this show, since the recaps are so much better than the real thing.
Just want to point out, though, that the Israeli fatty has seen a few years of military service and probably knows a dozen ways of killing you, Mona.
Including sitting on you.
Ba-da-dum!
6 of 10 | Posted by itchy | Posted on August 24, 2009 2:08 PM
Itchy, I'm tooooo thinnnnnn! *Sob, Sob* Which is SUCH a tragedy because I LOOOOVE LUUUUKE!
Waaahhhh!
7 of 10 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on August 24, 2009 3:48 PM
Not to worry, you have plenty of time to bulk up. Switch to a diet of McDonalds and high fructose corn syrup. That'll get you there.
Who'd want to pass up a chance at a prize like Luke? Imagine all the years you'll spend rebuilding your self-esteem. Beats the hell out of boring old happily ever after....
8 of 10 | Posted by itchy | Posted on August 24, 2009 4:00 PM
That boring one, I forget her name. Mandy? Was this the first episode she appeared in because I don't think I've ever seen her before.
I thought that "prom date" was the lamest reality tv date ever.
The bathrobe spa was pretty bad too but but the overflowing of the hot tub whenever somebody got in was kinda funny.
9 of 10 | Posted by NancyNegative | Posted on August 24, 2009 4:01 PM
Mandy is the personal trainer who salsa danced with Luke when they first met. She might be pretty normal.
Mona, did you notice that Luke's horse was the, um, less sturdy-looking of the two horses? Luke looks pretty relaxed on horseback; I guess if you weigh as much as he does, gravity is in your favor. Very few horses could get airborne with that load on their backs.
10 of 10 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on August 25, 2009 8:11 PM