****This show wasn't assigned, but then we watched it and had to have our say. Please welcome back Twunty McSlore with My Antonio!!
Since Megan got canceled I am moving on to bigger and better things- a whole lot of chicks with a whole lot of issues, and all of them are dying to get into this guy's pants:
Antonio Sabato Jr. was a Calvin Klein model, played Jagger on General Hospital, was on Melrose Place and banged a few Hollywood broads. He has a couple of kids here and there so he has mouths to feed, maybe even alimony to pay and those residual checks from shows in the 90s not named Friends or Seinfeld don't put food on the table like they used to, so here we are, trollin' for hoes.
And here they are, kids. Try not to faint from all the beauty.
Christi was a Playmate and one of Hef's many, many girlfriends. That explains why she looks 48 while claiming to be 28. She bears a striking resemblence to Danny Bonaduce's ex-wife so I'm calling her Gretchen.
Miranda is a 30 year old make-up artist from New York City and thinks that she's there to fuck Jagger from General Hospital. Instead of calling her delusional, which she is, we'll call her Mirandacure because of her unhealthy obsession with grooming and manicures. I can't think of anything better right now because she's so boring so let's move on.
Nathalie is a Frenchy who first saw our Tony at a Janet Jackson shoot. Her bio said that she's 28 so she's cerifiably insane. If that's true then this is some Benjamin Button's shit that I simply do not understand. So yeah, she's a lyin' ho.
Courtney, or Big Blonde, and there's always a big blonde on these shows, is 38. This is more like it. She's less mendacious so we'll only add ten years onto that and call it a day at 48. She spent all of the money she made doing her interior design work on plastic surgery for this show. She should have saved herself the trouble, even Antonio knows that he could have her type of gal any day of the week just by walking down Sunset and being loose with five dollar bills. Sad.
Jessica is a 21 year old dancer. She's pretty and all but why would she want a guy who probably has fillings older than her? And what kind of "dancer" is she? Questions, questions...
Sarah. Good God, Sarah. She's the Lost Girl. She's a 28 year old Jersey girl with no job, no prospects and she hasn't gotten laid in forever so Tonio has himself a go-to girl for those late night BJs. I hope that he pays for her therapy after this show is over.
Anju looks familiar to me. Was she on another show? Let me go Google her. Nope, nothing. She's a party planner, is a bit of a wild child and is super loud. Nothing wrong with that except for the fact that Italian men will mess around with girls like her but they don't marry them. Not if they fear their mothers, which this guy does.
Monique is a video game producer and says that Tony Baloney is her shot at happiness. Pathetic, much? Nerdy, needy and blah. She seems like a doormat so I wouldn't be surprised if she ends up dating some douche from Tool Academy.
Brooke is a 30 year old nurse. Once again, she looks 40. Are we seeing the fallout of too much time spent in tanning beds? Is that why all these girls look so old? Or am I being too harsh? Anyway, this one's a southern girl with a ticking clock in her uterus. She wants Baloney Babies and she wants them now! She's the girl who pokes holes in her diaphram and then, when she gets knocked up, claims that it was a "miracle" and "meant to be." Best to get that vascectomy right now, Tony Baloney.
Autumn has that Bambi thing going on, all doe eyed and purdy, so that's what we'll call her. She's smart or something, having been edumacated and all, and now she's a Nasa researcher. But will she be dull? Only time will tell. I just know that she can't be that smart if she's on a show like this, so maybe they misunderstood her, what she really said was Tassle Researcher. That would make more sense.
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Comments (13)
"This banshee, or a few like her, was the reason that I quit Girlscouts."
Hee-hee.
I'm glad you got another gig so soon, Twunty. And it looks like it could be a good one. Remember that show last year, "Momma's Boys"? This seems to have some of that in it--only it's worse because Antonio is 37! And a wife, too!
Man, the ex-wife must have had some gorgeous hands and feet because she is built like a linebacker! What a set of shoulders! Maybe the lesbian IS Antonio's type.
1 of 13 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on August 25, 2009 7:48 PM
Since when did Sister Patterson turn white and get an Italian accent?
2 of 13 | Posted by slutty_whore | Posted on August 26, 2009 5:04 AM
Wow. They really hit the bottom of the barrel for this show. Even Ray J had slightly better looking (or slightly better behaved) women. Out of all the VH1 male celebrity hosts, Antonio is actually the hottest, so is deserving of a better looking pool. Instead, he has women who wouldn't even make the Real Chance at Love Bus. So, out of all the women, I'm cheering for Autumn and Monique, who look slightly less skanky, appear to have their own jobs, and are closer to A's age range.
3 of 13 | Posted by anicho01 | Posted on August 26, 2009 5:34 AM
I'm not done reading the recap yet, but so far it is hilarious. I must admit, as a teen in the 90's I had a HUGE crush on Antonio. If I had known all I had to do was wait a few years and audition for a crappy VH1 reality show...
4 of 13 | Posted by atlgirl | Posted on August 26, 2009 6:45 AM
Well, I admit I'm glad Megan's shot got cancelled, for whatever reason. I'd much prefer watching skanky bimbettes anyway.
Glad to see that VH1 is keeping NJ's reputation as the source of the best reality tv stars alive.
5 of 13 | Posted by itchy | Posted on August 26, 2009 7:01 AM
Twunty - "I've done it, I admit it, but every time I pretend to be shy I end up laughing my ass off. How does he keep a straight face?"
The answer in one word - Botox....
Great Recap, glad to have you on this one.
Thanks
Kris
6 of 13 | Posted by gasmreaders | Posted on August 26, 2009 7:44 AM
I am surprised at how disconnected/dismissive Antonio seems. It almost like he is not even making an effort to connect with any of the girls during the conversations. I can see where he has had an issue with relationships. It is really bad when Brett Michaels of ROL seems more sensitive. He at least maintained eye contact during his one on ones, even though his eye contact seemed to always stray to the chest area.
Thanks
K
7 of 13 | Posted by gasmreader | Posted on August 26, 2009 7:56 AM
I'm hoping for Brooke to win, she's hot in a girl-next-door way, and that southern accent is just enough to be super sexy. Team Brooke to the end!
8 of 13 | Posted by ripper | Posted on August 26, 2009 9:04 PM
Oh Twunty, I'm so glad to see after the tragedy that was MWAM you've picked yourself up, dusted yourself off, then thrown yourself right back down to recap this tripe. I bet some interns at VH-1 are working day and night background checking the background checks. Bagels be damned! We've got some crazies in this group, we best make sure they ain't TOO crazy.
Now to the tool...
Tony never did much for me either. He's kind of a poor man's Markus Schenkenberg...all dumb puppydog eyes and flashy smile, great bod...but Markus just has that extra 'oomph' that leads me to believe I'd do anything for that fine joorey.
Or maybe it's because I've never had to stare into the cold, flat face of his ridiculing mother. Ick. That's a turnoff, man. Grow a set. Or borrow your Mom's.
I couldn't commit to this show so I was flipping. I only caught minor parts here and there. Did manage to see Tony's EMERGENCE out of the water. *yawn* The little crazy girl's minor rant about something or other. *yawn* But then I was hooked the instant I saw spermbrows on my screen. She was rattling off about how Tony cared more about the crazies and not about the people he SHOULD care about. Love it. I'm dying for one of these broads to ram a pencil in her face and tell her it's the corner of your eye, not the NOSE HOLE.
Oh, and I'm so glad to see someone representing for the Tassle Researchers on these shows. It's about time.
9 of 13 | Posted by k37744 | Posted on August 27, 2009 4:09 AM
Okay Twunty, this show is a piece of shit, but you sure put a shine on it's turdishness for us! It also makes me sad that people, and especially women, have allowed themselves to be debased so far down for a 90's has-been. And I can't believe that Antonio's looking for a girl anyhow, I had it on good authority back in the 90's from some Fort Lauderdale friends that he batted for OUR team, but then again, maybe he's just such an attention whore that he doesn't really care and that's part of the gig when you get married to him. Awesome job, though, I love your style!
love, J-Mo :)
P.S. Mama Sabato can only WISH she was Sophia Loren...
10 of 13 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on August 27, 2009 1:12 PM
I was laughing so hard when the girl who got sent home for ugly feet said she was voted best hands and feet in high school - what high school votes that??
11 of 13 | Posted by ohionancy | Posted on August 28, 2009 12:31 PM
Hello there Twunty! I'm kinda new here (and by "new", I mean "been lurking around this site for the past two months or so") and I just wanna say you are high-larious.
Anyhoodles...I wonder if it's possible to pretend that Conch-Blowing Guy is Punisher? Because God knows I want Canadian Bacon to rot in hell for causing MWAM and ILM3 to be yanked.
12 of 13 | Posted by Lissadoll4eva | Posted on August 31, 2009 3:53 PM
I'm so glad someone else agrees that Conch Shell Guy makes this whole vapid show worth watching... if even for 3 seconds a show. How sad is it that someone who is as gorgeous as Antonio can't avoid getting side-stepped by female viewers for a guy that stands off in the shadows and blows on a shell for a few seconds an episode. I want that man to come home with me, continue being silent, and have my way with him. Oh baby. I want a show about the Conch Shell Guy... but I don't want any dialogue. Just footage of him running around half-naked.
And I was horrified at the very first episode with how unattractive the crop of women is. I figured they could scrounge up some beautiful, natural women for someone that's been an object of female lust for the last 15-20 years.
13 of 13 | Posted by wickedpod | Posted on October 13, 2009 12:37 PM