She does get all woebegone. Rome wasn't built in a day, folks.
Here is the recap: Knuckle sucking, hula dancing, prosciutto regurgitating and dolphin spit. Ta Dah!
Done.
I wish.
Throw in some smoking, drinking and lesbian back talk and you have the makings of a real party, only it wasn't. That is correct, somehow Baloney and his girls managed to make it all so yawn inducing that I may have to invest in a defribillator before next week's episode.
Let's see. At the end of last week somebody left, for the life of me I cannot remember who, and then it was party time in the suite.
This party was gross. I came so close to retching up my Now n Laters that I think it was some kind of world record, on par with the alien vomit eating scene in Bad Taste. Warning: do not, I repeat, DO NOT look for that clip or rent that movie unless your stomach is as strong as Brooke Hogan's thighs. I mean it.
Everyone is trashed, sloppy and giggly. Jess does a butt shimmy. It turns out that she makes her living as a go-go dancer in nightclubs. How very late eighties of her. Was she even born then? I doubt it.
She doesn't fall over, which I would forgive, especially after seeing this unmitigated fuckery.
I knew that he had a foot fetish but a hand fetish too? And he is not even trying to hide it. Sullen is going to town on his knuckles like they were Laceys' macadamia and milk chocolate crispy toffee wafers. Yes, I have a ferocious sweet tooth right now. You would too if you quit smoking like I did two months ago. It's getting bad too. At this point I'm one of those bug eyed women who spend hours in the cookie aisle contemplating the Cadbury selection.
This sucking business is like a disease and Baloney decides to taste Dykey.
Gretchen is in the corner pouting because Baloney isn't paying any attention to her. And when Gretchen pouts, Gretchen POUTS. It's like looking at one of those hemorrhoid donuts after Louie Anderson sat on it. I know, that wasn't fair of me to compare Gretchen to a rubber cushion. I take it back.
She looks more like this.
And yes, that is exactly what you think it is. Ew.
Dykey must like having her arm sucked on because she tells baloney that she wants to make out. Oh honey, no you don't. Not with him, anyway. I know your type so do us all a favor why don't you, hop on over to Bravo and claim your lady fair.
That's more like it, right? I guess that it is possible that she likes guys. Anything is possible, but something tells me that she's a top like Baloney so they still would not be right for each other.
They have a discussion on the terrace about her being closed off (closeted) and too tough. She says she's open to new things (dick) and people (guys). She's killing Baloney's buzz so I'm guessing that she is next to go. Spoiler that no one cares about: I'm right.
The only good thing about this little altercation was Sullen making fun of her in the background, despite the fact that Dykey could probably beat the crap out of most people, man or woman. I guess that those linebacker shoulders can come in handy some times.
On a side note, Baloney is looking super orange in his interviews this week. He needs to lay off the SevinNyne before he starts looking like Valentino or Donald Trump, but I could be wrong. Maybe he just likes carrots.
And plastic surgury. Too bad Carrot Top is straight. They could have made sweet, sweet tangerine love to each other.
The next morning the girls are getting hula dancing lessons and, more importantly, they show Conch Guy. The only problem is that they show him with the damn shell in front of his face. There's no close up of rippling arm muscles or manly furrowed brows, not even a glimpse of scrumptuous pecs. What is wrong with the people at VH1?!? Whatever, I only have one picture left so here it is.
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Comments (5)
Oopsy, that next to last pic was supposed to be Dykey. My bad!
1 of 5 | Posted by twunty mcslore | Posted on September 12, 2009 4:20 AM
My husband took one look at this show and said, "you watch the lamest shows." And for once I had to agree with him. This show made Tool Academy look like Emmy Material! What powers that be decided that Antonio was a chick magnet? OMG--This show is painful to watch--I'd rather watch reruns of More to Love for goodness sakes! And that is just sad. By the way, is there any scientific proof that Antonio is a living breathing human being?
2 of 5 | Posted by nyc cookie | Posted on September 12, 2009 4:33 AM
I agree with you and your husband. Since this show is so obviously scripted, why not make Mama Baloney even more Machiavellian? And Sullen could be vindictive and evil.
The producers on this show must have been going through a lazy period.
Thanks for your comment, nyc cookie. I'm off to barrage VH1 with requests for more Conch Guy, from the golf course, natch.
3 of 5 | Posted by twunty mcslore | Posted on September 12, 2009 4:54 AM
I'm getting kind of bored with this show. It was a little interesting in the beginning, but is getting progressively creepy (Tully), boring (Antonio), and whiny (Whoever's not getting "one on onek time). As for the proscuitto, i've never had it, nor do i know anyone who has. Where i'm from, even the vegetables get deep fried. Our bacon wrapped foods are either already cooked, or supposed to be...I've never even seen it on a menu or in a consumer setting.
4 of 5 | Posted by Anonymous | Posted on September 12, 2009 12:13 PM
"Too bad Carrot Top is straight. They could have made sweet, sweet tangerine love to each other."
Awesomely awesome line Twunty, I'm still laughing.
Just one question, they had to take a helicopter to the beach, but jump in the ocean because they couldn't land on the beach; how did their lunch get there? Did the prosciutto fairy come?
Great recap Twunty, and is it true that the original title for this show was America's Next Top Beard?
5 of 5 | Posted by waffleboy09 | Posted on September 12, 2009 6:39 PM