The Carver, Part Deux! - 
by Umnata
So, yeah I suck. It's been a hectic couple of weeks, and getting to my recaps has been harder than staying away from our teenage TVgasm Pages. But here I am now back and better than ever! Did we miss a detailed gory recount of Melissa Gilbert having sex with her dog? Yes, and I may never forgive myself for losing out on all the Michael Landon Bestiality jokes. But I suppose we'll all have to move on... some how... some day. On the bright side, while we lost out on shitting on the memory of one of television's most honored and adored stars, we got to see Rosie O'Donnell's ass - something, I for one, thought I would only get to see in my wildest, dirtiest dreams. So let's put the past behind us, and move forward. Rosie's ass would want it that way.
Christian and shady Michelle are officially a couple behind poor, old Landau's back. So in Christian's umpteenth forbidden love, they are laying about post-coital, as Christian asks Michelle to be with him. Aww, how sweet.
Meanwhile, Christian is meeting with the duplicitous Jackie B., Michelle's former pimp. Yes, that's right, Michelle used to be a whore, but not a regular whore, a high end whore, kind of like Paris Hilton. It seems that Michelle was one of Jackie B.'s best gals once upon a skanky time. Jackie B. paid for Michelle's med school, but Michelle couldn't continue leading the life of Vivien Ward and ditched Jackie B., incurring her wrath, thus the stalking/continuing pay-offs. Christian wants to wipe Michelle's slate clean, but scoffs at Jackie B.'s suggestion of $500,000 price tag. Normally, he'd be willing to pay, I'm sure, but Michelle doesn't give head, so what's the point? Christian won't pay.
After his meeting with the sexiest pimp this side of Wilmer Valderama (him being a pimp is the only explanation I can come up with...), Christian meets Sean at a jewelry store to pick out some engagement rings. Sean & Christian picking out engagement rings?!?!? DRINK! (you didn't think it was over did you?). Sean, naturally, goes for the cheapest ring in the joint, because he's a new species called the Deuchebagges Errectus. Christian, scoffs, and pulls Sean aside to remind him, quite simply, that he banged the Night Nurse. It doesn't take Sean too long to realize that the $150,000 engagement ring is the way to go. Mmm... overcompensation...
On the way home from the store, they pass Matt on the street picking up garbage with the rest of his Scientology crazies. Christian is horrified by this. His son... helping... society... NO NO NO NO! Not on his watch!
Speaking of Hello Kitty Jackson, he heads into Kimber's condo to get all hot and heavy... literally, cause, you know they are hanging out in a steam room. Yay, Kimber in a towel! Boo, Hello Kitty Jackson in a towel.
Kimber likes the steam, because it's great for cleansing the soul or some such mumbo jumbo from the world of Tom Travolta or John Cruise. HK Jack is starting to show his true colors as a horny eighteen year old kid who wants to bang his dad's porn star ex-fiancée, as he starts grilling her about the kind of man she wants in her life. Please say freakish looking Japanese animation-pedophilic music superstar hybrids!
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