Keep looking.

Have you ever wanted to watch a show where nothing actually happened? I know, I know. You're saying that you already watch The Hills. But those people are on quaaludes compared to our Paradise Hotel guests. It's so much more fun to watch nothing happen with aggressive, drunk people! At this stage of the game everyone is sunburnt and bitching, and now Raheim's back, so you know there's a lot of accusing, yelling, pontificating and absolutely no action. Luckily Lady Sensation is all about the action and is not a carrier of any STDs. So you best just get down with me.

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None of these individuals took Vegas for millions counting cards in Blackjack or anything else.

Hey-o! Can you believe it? A Paradise Hotel recap done this early in the week? Only the promise of long overdue drinks tomorrow with the 'Gasm writers would get me on top of my game, so I could get out in the world guilt-free tomorrow night. So it's a win-win for both of us. Stakes were high and we both beat the odds. Seriously even I didn't know i had it in me. Read on to find out who the losers were this week. Not all of us got so lucky this time around.

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I just really missed Amanda.

The moment we've all been waiting for...Who's come back to haunt the guests of Paradise Hotel like a drunk, slutty ghost? Will it be a season one guest like Man Boobs Dave, (which would be awesome)? Or are we going to be subjected to Raheim and his tedious civics analogies? I've predicted season one all along, and the above pic is a bit of a spoiler, but read on to find out!

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From here to next episode.

Living at Paradise Hotel is not easy. It's a hotbed of liars, gossipers, unsavory sluts, public nudity and Myrna. Who invited her to this party? Seriously. At least Raheim didn't purse his lips in a passive-aggressive grimace every time he was not pleased. The natives are getting restless and this week we learn that there is indeed a heart of darkness amongst the noble savages. And thy name is MYRNA.

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I'm not crying. I just got love dust in my eyes.

Hi, everyone! Welcome to this week's Paradise Hotel. I think everyone is relieved "The Secretary of Defense" was finally removed from his position. But now control of Paradise is up for grabs. Which party will be elected as the leaders? It's election time, gang! Who needs Hillary and Barack when you have Hobag and Biscuit? Paradise is truly a microcosm of our own world.

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I mean "Government".

Hi, everyone! Did you know that Lady Sensation lives in a time warp? And in this time warp this recap is not only on time, but early! Yes, it's great to be delusional. I could be one of our Paradise Hotel contestants. Anyway, enough about me. Let's slather on that SPF and kick it in our favorite banana republic!

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Even the frog figurine gets more action than Raheim.

Let's toast to a successful roommate selection! And we have the ruling body to thank for that. The government is in working order. Didn't y'all know? Paradise has elected officials and has recently passed a referendum outlawing common sense and decency. Get your visas, gang. Let's head on down!

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I want you. To not be late again, Lady Sensation.

Lady Sensation had a crazy week, gang. It's an excuse, but no justification for abandoning you all. I do believe that above all reality television comes first, but unfortunately that's not what my landlords say, so late it is! So, when I did have some downtime I revisited the archives and noticed that ol' Hobag makes first photo every time. Unwittingly I've showcased her "assets" on each and every recap. And I thought long and hard (i.e. thirty seconds) about that and decided that, while I've really come around to Hobag, it's time to give some of our other friends a little time in the limelight.

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Patti Stanger eat your heart out.

I just finished watching Hobag on the Millionaire Matchmaker season finale and I realized that I am glad she found Paradise Hotel. She was so demure and underwhelming on that, I have to confess it made me glad we got a chance to see her stripping and fingerpainting and acting a fool. Clearly she found the perfect reality vehicle to showcase her talents. You make us proud, girl.

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Dignity is so cumbersome.

I would like to preface this by stating that I watch Paradise Hotel live on Monday nights on KCOP and then get the show on DVD from Flipit (heart) to do screen grabs, which he records from the Fox Reality Channel. And holy mother f*ck, people. It is like watching two different shows. I even emailed a 'Gasm reader last Tuesday and told him I thought the episode was ass-boring. Later in the week I took a gander at the Fox Reality version and learned I was quite mistaken. Seriously, people. Ridge banter was just the beginning. Get yourself the Fox Reality channel and prepare to have your mind blown. These people are outta their damn minds. Yay!

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