So we pick up where we left off with Manstealing Chelsea and Whiskers Orbi trotting off for some bedroom antics. Chelsea continues to play the innocent card saying that she and James didn't hook up other than their little peck. She's wasting her time. Our man doesn't care if she had a threesome with James and Mike and then went a spanked Tania's juicy booty all night, as long as she's hooking up with him. He pushes her right down on the bed and this guy means business! Seriously, this is the first sign of life I've seen out of this guy. And here I thought only the presence of Cisco Adler would make him open his eyes all the way.

Today we also make the shocking discovery there is no money for editing subtitles in the Fox Reality Channel budget.

Paradise is a small community and their absence puts Lauren and Charté hot on their trail. Lauren finds an open door (window??) to eavesdrop. Orbi tells Chelsea that the reason he and Lauren are roommates is because they are both from Jersey. And this, my fine readers, will be the first of many references to an ineffable "Jersey Connection". A bond so tight it makes two strangers like "brethren". And Lauren flips over this. I mean, this bitch is stoked. I think this is the first person in the history of PH to not get all salty and up in arms over an unsanctioned roommate hook-up. She doesn't care what ass he's tappin' as long as he is reppin' the NJ. I do not understand this whatsoever, but I am also not from Jersey.

More thrilling than a freshly manicured lawn.

So our two little spies go back and report to the group what's transpiring and James is visibly upset. Though it's really just adorable when he puts on the tough face and says "Yeah, whatever" like he don't give a what-what.

Behind closed half-doors, however, it's not smooth sailing for Orbi or Chelsea. Maybe Chelsea's buzz is wearing off, but she is suddenly second guessing this hook-up, in a really tiresome way. But big ups to Orbi for being relentless. I never knew he had this much energy. The whole thing becomes uncomfortable the more he pressures her, but it's hard to get a sense of how much she's stringing him along. She seems completely uncomfortable but yet WON'T LEAVE. What is she doing there if she don't want some surfer-douche ass? And by the way, I am getting downright mortified learning about the intricacies of Ryan Orbi's member. Seriously, is this shit legal? We all know that this is going on, but when they freaking CLOSE-CAPTION it, they are taking it to another level. My eyes are burning.

The Ridge is the hottest new STD, didn't you know?

Not if we're talking about rock. I prefer my rock soft.

Finally, after she's had enough forced ridge-feeling, Chelsea retreats to her room, taking Orbi's manhood with her.

Please give it back. I promise I won't make you feel the ridge anymore.

Back in her own bed, "Yeah Whatever" James is now letting her have it, which we all saw coming. Your charade didn't fool us. You would think that she cheated on her boyfriend of two years. At least two days. These guys have been "roommates" for one night! Slow your roll, dude. And easy on the profanity. You're in the company of a lady. So now that James has his ego bruised, he is just loving wearing the power pants.

And it turns out James's suspicions of being similar to Ryan were right! Hair color totally makes people indistinguishable! As I type this, no joke, I am staring across the cafe at a very lovely brunette with bangs also typing on a Mac computer. I have a strong urge to cut her.

James, flirtinis make things real confusing.

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Posted in Paradise Hotel by IS | Permalink | Comments (11)
Last Comment: TinkerbellAPixie on Feb 24, 2008 09:27 AM.