Grease up your booties, people, and slide on in to Paradise! The only way this show could get better is if they brought back the two-episodes-a-week policy we had with the original. This recap is rated "MA" for Moronic Awesomeness. If you feel like your intellect is being compromised, don't say I didn't warn ya.
It's a dark and stormy night in Paradise. And our guests are reeling from a "completely and utterly intense" elimination. The quote is from Scorpio Mike and I can't wait to see his qualifiers once people actually know each other for more than five days. Like "unequivocally, inexorably, mind-crushingly, toe-curlingly, hair-raisingly, god-forsakingly" intense. I mean really, Mike, we're just getting started and I know you're a scorpio and all, but man up. It's the first week.
Ryan Orbi practices for his completely and utterly intense album cover.
After all, Tania didn't think it was intense at all. In her corner, she's blathering on about how she would have roomed with anyone. No kidding, hobag. Also, a note on the spelling of Tania's name. About three-quarters of the way through the last recap, I noticed that Tania's name is spelled with a "y", not an "i". I made the executive decision that I had better uses of my time than to go back through and correct them all. I also made the executive decision that I could not ever be bothered to spell her name the correct way. I'm also in the midst of executive deciding whether or not to drop the whole "Tania" thing altogether and just call her hobag.
Anyway, despite being a totally indiscriminate roommate, she knew who was safe with who and this brings up an interesting point. Despite the fact that everyone thinks their "playing the game", all of the individuals seem to really get along. Our biggest debacle was the "seven hours of pool time" showdown, and James and Raheim tongued each other afterwards and got tacky photo shirts of themselves made at a local street fair in St. Croix, or wherever the hell they are. So far there's really no clear villain nor any hostile, warring factions, a la The Barbies versus whatever the name of the posse helmed by Toni and Zach was. But there sure is a lot of anticipation of it.
So now we check in on the pillow talk for the evening and it's a Chelsea hatefest. James told Krista that there was no way he was sticking with her. Krista tries to tell James that sex gets in the way of things, and I encourage her to take this platform to the masses. People will love that idea.
Those shorts are one way to keep from complicating things.
Orbi and Lauren are doing a Jersey send up of Chelsea's lameness. People from Jersey don't just want to "kiss" and "cuddle". That's sooo flyover land. Ryan's dismissal of Chelsea's teasing is cracking Lauren't ass up. Poor, pretty Chel. Gone too soon, I still say.
Jersey mocks you.
At the girls' breakfast the next day, Tania insists she didn't go all the way with Mike and I have to say I believe her. She's not one of those denial-is-not-just-a-river-in-Africa girls on the "Bachelorette" or even "Rock of Love", when they get all morning-after shameful. This girl would certainly brag about another mounted head. In fact, she tells the group that she'd also hook up with James ("slip and slide off his chest". Gross, girl.) and she'd also tap Orbi. So, really I don't think she'd play coy. In fact, I am sure we'll get lots of disgusting details when they do it.
So Mike has a "dick" about Tania. Maybe in Mike's smart head, "dick" is another way of "saying bone to pick". Or maybe I just don't know about this expression. I'm going to start using it and see how it goes. Hey, Ex. Here's my dick about you. Wow, "completely and utterly" confusing. Mike is a scorpio, so no doubt his dick/identity has a fragile ego. He tells the boys that he knows that Tania is not "singling him out". He knows that he doesn't have a "nametag" and that he's not hers. Scorpios are possessive and hypersensitive? I gotta get me one. Also, Mike sure knows how to pick 'em.
James concurs with Mike. James knows SoCal girls and SoCal girls are partiers. We are "crazy", we'll "do anything". So true. We can all barely keep our clothes on. And I know I can't let a day go by without some strange guy doing a body shot out of my rock hard abs. Hanging out with me is like hanging out with your own live Girls Gone Wild dvd.
« Celebrity Rehab: I Really Don't Like These People | | American Idol: Results: Out Like A Fat Kid in Dodgeball »
Comments (3)
oh my god, i can't believe a show like this even exists. i think my innocence was compromised, and ive killed a hooker once. oy!
1 of 3 | Posted by hugostop | Posted on February 22, 2008 4:46 PM
I thought the call Mike was issuing after humping Tania was to let Raheim and Orbi know it was their turn to come and get some? Why didn't you comment on that?
2 of 3 | Posted by talma63 | Posted on February 23, 2008 1:19 PM
great recap. and ahhh i watched forever eden! so sad to admit it. brainstorm! we get the forever eden kids (who are probably survivor skinny and all have jack sheppard flash forward lost beards) to boat on down to the infinity pool in paradise and we infuse some real drama into this! what's better than 8 people who have been trapped on a non-existent reality show for 4 years?!
and yes, i'd like to propose a toast to that notion.
3 of 3 | Posted by baymenxpac | Posted on February 24, 2008 12:24 PM