At last! The show we have been waiting to return to America's loving embrace since 2003! Paradise HOtel is finally back. And what the hell took so long? I know I'm not alone in missing this savory blend of sex, booze and tears. And in the same way that Vivian Leigh felt born to play the role of Scarlett O'Hara, I feel that perhaps I was born to be the TVgasm recapper of Paradise HOtel. And while this is the grimmest thought I've had in a while, I'm kind of too excited to let it bring me down. We've found the biggest dumbasses, sluts and backstabbers, got 'em liquored up and let them run amok in the Most Lavish Hotel in the World! Television gold! And of course it wouldn't be complete without Amanda Byram and her mole. So the gang's all here! I've got an arsenal of Ludacris "Ho" quotes to regale you with over the coming weeks and the water's warm. Jump in!
So, first order of business: What happened to the "Two Tickets to Paradise" jam? This new song sucks ass. I can't believe Hillary Duff is so flagrantly riding the coattails of Paradise HOtel's awesomeness. She's really been taking that down escalator all the way to the basement after Joel Madden dumped her. Glorified talking head Amanda Byram welcomes us back (We missed you!) and informs us we're at one of the most Exclusive Hotels in the World. And the popsicle stand certainly does not disappoint. It looks like where I want to go to write TVgasm recaps every week.
She also informs us of the basic premise of the show, which for those of you joining us for the first time, is that the guests must find a roommate of the opposite sex to sleep with (if we're lucky in both senses of the word) or get replaced by someone else. The number of guys and girls is always uneven so there's always an odd man or woman out. And from there the rules change without warning. And now it's time to meet our first crop of players! Luckily for us, the editors like to pick the sound bites that make these people sound as dimwitted as possible. I'm taking the time to get a shot of everyone so you can easily keep track of everyone and, if you want, print them out and use them like trading cards.
First up is Chelsea, from LA, who warns us that she'll steal your man.
And Paradise HOtel will steal your dignity. A fair trade.
Tanya, another girl from LA. She allegedly parties at the "pro" level.
Say what you want, dollface, if you didn't make Rock of Love, you still play in the minor leagues.
Charté is from the ATL. (Me, too! Haaay, ATL! Reprazent!). She's a Diva. She says should be pampered and have all her needs and desires fulfilled.
I don't mess with these girls. They're for real.
Lauren is from Jersey. She's a landscaper and she doesn't give the milk away for free.
But I bet it's not that expensive.
Tidisha (DY-sha) also from the ATL, informs us she has an attitude problem. She also wears her "emotions on her shoulders". Oh, is that where we figuratively carry emotions now?
I always suspected Atlas was just a sensitive pussy.
Krista is from Phoenix. (Hey, remember how everyone was from Scottsdale last time? That was weird.) Anyway, she's the 22-yr old Virgin.
I wonder if you don't have sex after a certain age, you begin to lose your neck. She's making a case.
The girls all chat about how they all have so much in common, like being hot and liking to party. Tania says she would hang out with all of them and Chelsea asks, "Where's the bitch?" Oh, Chelsea, you're so modest. Someone get this girl a mirror.
Next up: Boys!
James, from Houston, only hangs out with upper tier of attractive people.
In addition to ugly people, the upper tier of attractive people don't hang out with sunglasses.
Mike is from Des Moines, Iowa. Surprisingly, he has little to say about caucuses or basic skills tests. He does say that a woman loves a guy who can make her laugh. This is because you open up "her heart" that way.
Iowa has the craziest slang.
Raheim from Long Island loves to play games He likes to "drive around neighborhoods just to see who's looking at him". And I can only imagine that this must require lots and lots of driving.
Biggest carbon footprint in the country.
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Comments (10)
Funny re-cap, but it seems kinda cruel to mock Nate since he killed himself and whatnot. I guess we'll see what happens in the upcoming eps - maybe he was a dick, but I doubt it.
That said, I miss psycho-bitch Toni Ferrari. Yahtzee!
1 of 10 | Posted by Dr Leo Marvin | Posted on February 11, 2008 4:00 AM
Great recap. I love that your love of this show shines through every description.
What the heck is under Orbie's nose? Is he trying to hide a big hairy mole with a bigger hairier mustache? Amanda could show him how to rock that mole!
Chelsea reminds me wayyyy tooo much of Tila Tequila and not in a good way. Her forced little giggle and trying-to-hard flirting is pathetic. She was pretty til she opened her mouth.
Then again the same can be said for James.
2 of 10 | Posted by TinkerbellAPixie | Posted on February 11, 2008 5:33 AM
Dr Leo Marvin,
Oh no! I completely forgot that one of the cast killed themselves. I saw it before the show aired, but got sidetracked by the antics.
Luckily, there actually isn't much too say about him so far because he hasn't had much screen time/nor has he done anything particularly obnoxious.
I've been devastated by several untimely deaths of friends (suicide, accident), but I'd like to think that if they'd been on Paradise HOtel, that people wouldn't tip-toe around them and treat them like they would have been treated otherwise. (As long as they didn't make fun of the fact that they did take their life or something really tacky like that.)
That said, if anyone is offended, I can completely leave him out of the firing line. I do respect that people out there are grieving.
RIP Nate.
xoxoxIS
3 of 10 | Posted by theinternetsensation | Posted on February 11, 2008 8:54 AM
"Chelsea and Mike seem to hit it off and he tells her that he's a scorpio. Now I recently had a traumatizing Scorpio Dating Experience that read like textbook Sextrology. I apologize in advance to any of the two or three "nice", "easy-going" Scorpios out there for anything I may say in this recap or any future recaps that insinuate Scorpio males are psycho bastards."
Apology accepted. Someone just has to give you a better Scorpio experience. Sextrology can be the the most scary accurate thing ever, but there are exceptions once and a while. Great recap. After being a reader for a solid 6 months, this one finally made me register to comment. So pumped that this show is back. And is it me or did Amanda's accent get drastically lighter and more Irish?
4 of 10 | Posted by baymenxpac | Posted on February 11, 2008 9:00 AM
Did Nate really kill himself? I hadn't heard. When did that happen?
5 of 10 | Posted by mullymoon | Posted on February 11, 2008 11:12 AM
I totally think Scruffy McGee looks like Pauly Shore!
6 of 10 | Posted by EatPoo | Posted on February 11, 2008 11:32 AM
dear baymenxpac,
i am glad i finally broke you down and got you commenting. audience participation is thrilling for all involved and amanda's accent totally got irisher.
and i will try and believe you that i could have a better scorpio experience but once you've been burned by that molten lava...
anyway, everyone watch PH tonight!
loves,IS
7 of 10 | Posted by theinternetsensation | Posted on February 11, 2008 3:43 PM
@mullymoon: If you look on the Fox Reality website there is an article about his death. It happened in Oct or Nov, I think. I drove to a place that had those tall Alltell phone towers. He climed one and jumped off. His family said he had been suffering from depression and they were trying to get him to come back home. Very sad.
8 of 10 | Posted by snootchy bootches | Posted on February 11, 2008 4:43 PM
Hey Internet Sensation~
Yeah the whole Nate thing is tricky. Maybe he won't end up doing anything that bad and it won't be an issue. I think if he does end up acting like a jackass, you should point it out, it's part of the re-cap.
9 of 10 | Posted by Dr Leo Marvin | Posted on February 12, 2008 1:44 AM
Oh I forgot to say I agree that this new theme song sucks. 2 Tickets to Paradise was cheesy, but in a good way.
10 of 10 | Posted by Dr Leo Marvin | Posted on February 12, 2008 4:12 AM