Dignity is so cumbersome.
I would like to preface this by stating that I watch Paradise Hotel live on Monday nights on KCOP and then get the show on DVD from Flipit (heart) to do screen grabs, which he records from the Fox Reality Channel. And holy mother f*ck, people. It is like watching two different shows. I even emailed a 'Gasm reader last Tuesday and told him I thought the episode was ass-boring. Later in the week I took a gander at the Fox Reality version and learned I was quite mistaken. Seriously, people. Ridge banter was just the beginning. Get yourself the Fox Reality channel and prepare to have your mind blown. These people are outta their damn minds. Yay!
We begin with the Scorpio Mike and Hobag Tania aftermath, where Tania is asking if there's any "evidence" left from last night's friskiness. The aftermath of scorpio sex is always similar to a crime scene. She tells the cams that she was only going to take it to a certain level and she surpassed that level. Wow, surpassing her own expectations. Way to go, overachiever.
Scorpio and Hobag have devised a little code name for going all the way, which is "Finger Painting". Raheim Conrad either makes this up or cracks the actual code (I say made up since I find it hard to believe these people are actually that clever). But the F in Finger stands for "Full" and the P in Painting stands for "Penetration". It seems a bit complex, especially since I don't know anyone that refers to sex as "Full Penetration". We also get to hear that finger painting went down twice. This just in: there is officially nothing to talk about in Paradise.
I just love the taste of ho.
So onto other roommate action, we learn that James tried to cuddle with Biscuit Krista last night. Now I don't know what sort of removed life Biscuit leads, but when you can tell the cameras with a straight face that someone's attempt to cuddle with you "scared you", you are officially an asshat. Biscuit even put a pillow in between them, because he was like a "Hulk attacking her". Aw, all the really hulk wanted when he got green and scary was a little bit of cuddlin'. Get over yourself, girl. He didn't even know it was you. I don't know how many overnights I've had with my girlfriend Leah where we woke up in an unintentional spoon. It happens. I give James a pass on this, but alas, no matter how you slice it, cuddling is verboten in Paradise.
Biscuit is also upset because apparently when they get drunk, James and Raheim Conrad tell her that she's on her way out if she doesn't "cuddle", or at least let her roommate think there's a chance of cuddling. The thought of these whispered threats gives me great pleasure. I imagine James across the room making a slicing of the throat gesture while Biscuit cries softly into her frozen watermelon margarita.
Cuddle or die, bitch.
Sexy messenger alert! Tonight there will a Mardi Gras party at the hotel, where the men will enter a body painting competition. They will paint the body of female guest that's not their roommate, and Johnny Bravo will be the judge. This is now the perfect opportunity to make lots of bad finger painting jokes. I curse the person who set this up.
Biscuit, who already is at a disadvantage because of her lack of fuckability, ups her waste of space factor by being an irrational little bitch to the entire group. Her gripe: she went to take a nap and no one woke her up for lunch. Now in my world the gripe would be if someone had woken me up, but Biscuit is taking this shit personal to the extreme, like she's the five-year charge for ten drunk slut nannies. Why did nobody check on me?? she whines. Now she's really starting to question these people and their motivations. Who wouldn't? Meal times are times together!! She asks, How would you feel if you woke up and everyone was GONE!?!? TO LUNCH??? My parents are paying you good money to watch me!!! she screams.
Aw, hell naw, girl.
« Making the Band: It's (not) Too Late to Apologiiiiiize | | Lipstick Jungle: People With Better Lives Than You »
Comments (2)
Great recap, IS!
Did anyone else see Hobag Tania on the Millionaire Matchmaker finale? Good thing those men can afford the various STD treatments they're going to require...
1 of 2 | Posted by LoLo | Posted on March 4, 2008 8:35 PM
LoLo,
you have just rocked my world with this hobag knowledge. i haven't gotten to watch millionaire matchmaker this week, but i have been watching it diligently and, public confession, have even drafted my own submission to add myself to the female pool in millionaire's club, but have been too chicken to actually send it in, so far.
now that i know hobag is in the mix i'm totally horrified.
i cannot WAIT to see her in action. thank you for the heads up. now i need to mull this decision over some more, even though i kind of wanted to just meet patti stanger. i'm fascinated by that one.
xoxox, miss internet sensation
2 of 2 | Posted by theinternetsensation | Posted on March 5, 2008 8:36 AM