****Note from the Editor: We weren't going to cover Paris Hilton's show because, well, why? But then we saw it. Please welcome your newest recapper, TheAngriestWhitestMale!
Cute, ain't he?
Who is the most pathetic person in the Paris Hilton BFF spectrum?
1.) The contestants-These people will go through the process of being humiliated in front of millions of people in order to be friends with a bronzed brainless lizard who they have seen have sex. It's like being in a contest to be friends with porn star Peter North. By the way, no Peter North jokes on the comments page! Guy's a huge friend of mine (I won a contest on the internet).
Surprisingly good at Scrabble.
2.) Paris Hilton-She makes millions of dollars (on top of the millions she was born into) for doing nothing. She always has time to party, and she can always buy the drinks and meth. Yet apparently she can't find friends through conventional means? (Note: by "conventional means" I mean cruising the craigslist casual encounters page and sending women pictures of your junk.) I guess some people just aren't cool enough to get real friends. What a loser.
Yes, you.
3.) The audience-These people are watching a FRIEND CONTEST! Are these people nuts? Don't they know they are supposed to be watching the financial networks and getting angry, panicked, depressed and poor? This Paris Hilton show is pure titillation. Titilation is so 2006! This is 2008. All the cool people are worried. Come on people. Get worried!
4.) You-Yes, you, you there, on the computer reading this right now! You are READING A RECAP ARTICLE ABOUT A FRIEND CONTEST. Don't you have anything you're supposed to be worrying about? Do something productive. Get a job! I hear Arby's is looking for an assistant grease trap cleaner. Start moving your stuff out before the bank-repo auction of your worthless house. Figure out how to tell your kids they are going to be living in a tent by the highway. (I recommend fooling them into thinking it's just an elaborate game of cowboys and Indians) Please, please, do anything besides reading this mindless crap!
Special Note: I was just informed by the owners of TVGASM that due to the recent problems in the short term credit market they won't be able to make payroll if you don't in fact keep reading this article. So, well, forget what I said about you, keep reading and reading and reading and clicking and clicking on the TVGASM home page.
Because we're mavericks.
Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, recapping the show. There are 18 contestants. That's right, 18! There have been professional golf tournaments with less participants. I will give you a very quick and very dirty on each of them.
1.) Lauren-According to Lauren the show is "about me, and who I am". A pretty bold statement given that there are seventeen other golfers. Who does she think she is? Tiger Woods?
2.) Francisca-Her quote was "I'm so ready". That's good. No one should go into a planned public humiliation unprepared. You might end up getting embarrassed and humiliated.
3.) Trisha-She says she's looking forward to "awesome, interesting things". Personally I don't have "interesting" on my list of descriptive adjectives about this show.
4.) Sinsu-Her snippet was this line. "It's so crazy, yeah, um, what was the question again?" Given some of the things I've heard from Paris Hilton my money is on Sinsu.
Over here, honey.
5.) Zui-Zui says "I don't take things too seriously" This is the show for Zui.
6.) Shelly-According to Shelly she has a storied past. "Yeah I used to get crazy and party, I did that for like a month but not anymore." I have a feeling that someone who no longer parties and refers to her crazy partying days as a period lasting one month is not going to win this contest. The winner is going to be Paris' best friend, not her interventionist.
7.) Onch- Onch is an androgynous Asian who claims that Paris "needs a boyfriend and a girlfriend and I can be both". The full service approach; we'll see.
Plastic pretzel tranny. I smell a winner!
8.) Natasha- Natasha said, "well you know you like totally you know gotta totally well you know". I wish I knew, but I don't.
9.) Kayley-According to Kayley she's "a dirty old man". May I recommend a visit to anightinparis.com?
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Comments (2)
fantastic breakdown of the sad BUT must must watch little show. cant wait to see what Paris's little minions have in store for us.
Heres a bit of info that may help the future enjoyment factor.....Kayley aka dirty oldman...is the grandaughter of hollywood royalty Clark Gable....and there was a most fetching picture of her being dragged around the ground by onch on TMZ the other day.....we need a drinking game to go with this show.....ideas anybody?
1 of 2 | Posted by nubby17 | Posted on October 9, 2008 6:59 AM
"Homosexuality however is a crime against Jesus, Buddha and John Wayne. Bryan is going to hell. Maybe if he wins this contest he will have a friend to spend time with as his flesh eternally burns."
Heyyyy, where's the "LOL" that's supposed to go with this part?
love, J-Mo :)
P.S. BTW, as besties with Peter North, I'm sure he's told you all about how he used to do a whole bunch of gay porn under the name Matt Ramsey, right? Oh, he didnt? Well, in that case... yup, he sure did!
2 of 2 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on October 9, 2008 2:48 PM