By Amanda
Welcome to my first Passions recap! I could not be more excited. I have been unofficially recapping soaps at least since the eighth grade when I got in trouble in math class for passing my friend a note containing a recap of Adrienne and Emilio "making love" in the Kiriakis stable on Days of Our Lives. (Even back then, I knew enough to be sickened by that scene.) Anyway, TVgasm is a much better venue than math class — although I can't quite claim that Passions is a much better show than, well, any show.
A note on logistics. My original plan was to just recap each Friday's show while filling in events from the rest of the week as necessary. However, on my very first attempt, that isn't going to work because my three favorite storylines did not appear at all on today's (Friday's) show. So I am going to fill you in on those three plots before jumping in and recapping Friday. Without further ado...
1. Beth.
Ah, Beth. If you have ever followed Passions at all, you probably remember two things: Timmy the "living doll," and Sheridan in the pit. If you don't remember Sheridan in the pit, here's what you need to know. (This happened a few years ago.)
Our boring heroine Sheridan was held hostage in a pit throughout her pregnancy. The culprit was Beth, the psychotic ex-girlfriend of Sheridan's true love, Luis. There were a few things that made this storyline awesome: (1) Beth was psycho. (2) Beth had an equally psycho sidekick, a woman named Charlie who turned out to be a man and then ultimately turned out to be Sheridan's evil father. (3) Beth and Charlie would dress up as scary clowns to conceal their identities from Sheridan. (4) Beth lived in a house with her hysterically funny mother, Mrs. Wallace, and (5) Mrs. Wallace's live-in caregiver, a CHIMP named Precious. (The stated rationale was that the Wallaces couldn't afford a human caregiver. To improve matters, Precious was in love with Luis and would have on-screen fantasies about the two of them together.) (6) The whole time, Beth was faking her own pregnancy by Luis by strapping a sack of sugar under her shirt.
Amazingly, Beth got away with the whole thing, stealing Sheridan's baby and passing it off as her own. Years later, Sheridan and Luis finally figured it out, but Beth hit the road with baby Marty before she could be held accountable.
Now Beth has reappeared in Rome with Marty, and Luis is there looking for her! He thinks if he can find Marty, Sheridan will take him back. Right now she is married to (and pregnant by) some boring British guy named James or maybe Chris, whom she just married right before Luis came back from the dead.
All you really need to know about this storyline is that this week, Luis finally spotted Beth and Marty after a bunch of near misses, but they got away. Oh, and don't worry, Luis called up Interpol, and so they are on the case. But what I actually want to share is that Beth looks like Michael Jackson now.
You've been hit by a smooth criminal.
I don't know quite what happened here, but I'd say it's pretty unfortunate.
2. The Catacombs.
This is some weird shit, y'all. It's pretty much Grade-A Passions. (Actually it's Grade-A James E. Reilly -- the writer who used to work on Days and was responsible for things like Marlena being possessed by Satan.)
As you may or may not know, Whitney is now a nun, in penance for the fact that she had a baby by her half-brother Chad. Much more disgustingly, she and Chad slept together again after they found out they were siblings, because they are just THAT MUCH in love. (If you ask me, this is a dead giveaway that we will soon learn they aren't really related -- but for now, let's go with it.)
So Whitney was a nun, and that was boring -- until a faceless character I am calling EvilMonk appeared on the scene. I'm a bit fuzzy on the details, but basically, this guy convinced Whitney to undertake a super-secret mission on behalf of God. First, she would have to have her appearance totally altered, except she still looks exactly the same as before, only with different hair:
EvilMonk and the new, "unrecognizable" Whitney.
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Comments (20)
I was watching this show when it first started, and I think I was in junior high. I stopped after a year for obvious reasons. Yet I can come back after years of not seeing it and completely understand what is happening in the plot. It moves THAT slow. But when I do catch an episode every year or so, It's pretty hilarious stuff.
1 of 20 | Posted by tikilights
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Posted on May 21, 2006 6:08 PM
And this show has had so many actor changes for the same 3 characters, it's comedy unto itself.
2 of 20 | Posted by tikilights
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Posted on May 21, 2006 6:14 PM
Wow. A crappy show recapped by an even crappier writer. Seriously, TVGasm, don't let the standards of your recappers fall this fall.
3 of 20 | Posted by The Svan
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Posted on May 21, 2006 7:46 PM
I watched this show when it started to and used to love it (and am now enjoying that they are showing all the early episodes on SciFi) but stopped watching sometime when Theresa got pregnant because the show just got a little too insane. I cannot believe that this show is still on the air with the ridiculous plot lines described here.
4 of 20 | Posted by criscogirl
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Posted on May 21, 2006 8:54 PM
Meow. Amanda your recap is not crappy, clearly the genius(ok that's a stretch) that is Passions is not understood by everyone.
"You've been struck by a smooth criminal", hilarious. Looks like she's been using the same plastic surgeon as Vivica Fox.
5 of 20 | Posted by CSlash
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Posted on May 21, 2006 10:36 PM
Let he without talent cast the first stone...Svan you were saying?
myl
6 of 20 | Posted by Madeyoulaugh
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Posted on May 22, 2006 8:35 AM
Wow . . . maybe I need to start watching this again, if only for the cheese factor.
So are they actually on location IN Rome, or is it all fake soundstage stuff?
7 of 20 | Posted by mandymax
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Posted on May 22, 2006 8:52 AM
That was so NOT a crappy recap. The show is crappy man. But it's so bad it goes back to being good, but then unfortunatly swings back to bad again. How about a nice montage video :D
8 of 20 | Posted by GenevieveG
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Posted on May 22, 2006 10:52 AM
I loved your recap! The show IS horrible and cheesy, but somehow worth it(although I pity you for having to actually WATCH the show. I gave up watching years ago and only read the daily recaps!). Congrats on the assignment and keep up the good work!
9 of 20 | Posted by norma rae
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Posted on May 22, 2006 11:50 AM
Bring back Evil Charity and the vortex to hell.
10 of 20 | Posted by lisav
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Posted on May 22, 2006 1:50 PM
Having been a day one fan, I have so much to say about my guiltest of TV pleasures, Passions. I often don't know where to begin.
Ok, Sheridope in the pit was THE best storyline on this show. Beth is one of the greatest soap psychos ever.
The whole monk/symbol/Rome stuff is dull and pointless. I think the monk is Alistair's twin brother. I like Whitney's Sidney Bristow (Jennifer Garner - Alias) copy cat look.
Miguel should just be flat out naked. He was way too hot on that beach..good times! Siren is hysterical. I love all the fish jokes.
KH
11 of 20 | Posted by KatiesHole
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Posted on May 22, 2006 2:41 PM
Just thought I would share that my cousin is married to Emilio (Billy Hufsey) from Days of Our Lives. Hee!
12 of 20 | Posted by Laughingbabies
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Posted on May 22, 2006 3:46 PM
okay, I watched the very first episode of this show, the one with the princess Diana-Sheridan paparazzi rip off and Theresa running after the original Ethan. There was so much promise, then. Somewhere along the line they stopped being serious and went for ridiculous. I was so moved, I wrote a lengthy letter to NBC, to have the last few years, be a dream sequence. The plot is so slow, you can take months, even years off and be able to follow the story, i.e. the Theresa-Gwen tabloid story from 5 years ago, still hasn't been revealed. Don't even get me started on Rebecca's blatantly racist comment about black people and hispanics being maids and beneath her etc.
13 of 20 | Posted by nflow
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Posted on May 22, 2006 4:02 PM
Ugggg...Precious was an ORANGUTAN. She hated being called a chimp. Chris Booth is Sheridan's husband. His son is James and he's South African, not British. The monk appeared to Whitney in her convent chapel and convinced her he is actually God. Spike made Jessica get the tattoo (while she was high) and since he works for Alistair Crane, and his best ho Jessica walked out on him, he's in Rome. Noah is trying to keep Fancy in the dark about his past with Maya because if she knows too much, they'll kill her. Maya and Noah witnessed the murder of Lena the Dragon Lady's business associate and the theft of something he had in his possession. Maya and Noah are also working with the FBI to bring down Lena who they think is involved in a terrorist plot. That's why they are in Rome.
The real question is, do you watch the show or just read Soap Opera Digest? These are all major things that have been endlessly repeated. I'm gonna have to agree with The Svan just based on the lack of back story knowledge.
14 of 20 | Posted by squeegie
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Posted on May 22, 2006 5:06 PM
Thanks to those who have left encouraging comments - I'm having fun recapping the show, and I'm glad to know there are other people out there who have been sucked in by the madness that is Passions.
To squeegie - I honestly appreciate you filling in those plot points for me. Yes, I do watch the show (and have since the first episode), but before I got the recapping assignment, I wasn't watching every day. There are definitely gaps in my backstory knowledge. This will improve over time, but I hope you (and others) will feel free to chime in.
15 of 20 | Posted by Amanda
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Posted on May 22, 2006 5:42 PM
I thought amanda did a pretty good job reviewing a pretty stupid show. That doesn't mean I didn't used to watch passions myself, i started with the first episode back before i even started high school, but like other people have said it just got too slow and ridiculous. Even so, some pretty funny stuff does happen, and I think amanda did a good job, squggie stop taking passions so seriously!! Think about this for a minute, youre taking PASSIONS the lamest most illogical show on TV too seriously. Lighten up!
16 of 20 | Posted by Katella
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Posted on May 22, 2006 9:54 PM
#12, I remember when Billy Hufsey was on the '80s TV show "Fame" ... I had such a crush on him!
17 of 20 | Posted by Casey
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Posted on May 23, 2006 9:22 AM
I understand the annoyance with not having the backstories correct, but it's kind of hard considering all the backstories have their own backstories. If you tried to explain everything you'd have to go back to the beginning of the show.
18 of 20 | Posted by JerseyGirl
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Posted on May 23, 2006 1:44 PM
I used to watch this cheesy show every chance I got, but lost interest after the midget died. It's nice to see (I guess) that they're giving LOST a run for its money in the "glacial plot development" department.
19 of 20 | Posted by Ubiquitous
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Posted on May 24, 2006 5:12 AM
You know, I'm not one to argue in blogs but I'm going to agree with squeegie and the Svan. I understand that you can forget parts of backstory, I understand not watching every day but Chris Booth has been on the show nearly a year so how did you miss his name? And he's kind of front burner. I don't know TVgasm peps, I really like this show, it's a total guilty pleasure of silliness and it's disappointing that this job went to someone that hasn't seemed to watch the show for a year.
And Katella, I don't think any of us are taking this seriously, it's just disappointing given the level of quality TvGasm usually has to see a recap so filled with the phrase "I don't know how this happened and I don't know what's going on"
20 of 20 | Posted by Mollygirl
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Posted on May 24, 2006 9:40 AM