Then, she would have to sneak through some catacombs, break into the Pope's private quarters, and steal a chalice and give it to EvilMonk. Why? We don't know, but it's for God, so shut up. That's what this guy is telling Whitney, and she buys it. Meanwhile, he's also telling her that she can never see Chad again in any capacity or she will DIE.
Chad found out that Whitney was in trouble, and he went to Rome to look for her. They had a couple of near-misses in the catacombs, and at one point a tunnel caved in on Chad. Whitney wanted to save him, but the monk told her not to be distracted from her mission. She tried to save him anyway, saying she didn't care if she was killed for it. Because of her spirit of self-sacrifice, EvilMonk gave her a pass for her disobedience. In fact, he even told her that she was just like Abraham in the Old Testament, who was willing to sacrifice his beloved son Isaac just because God said so!
Whitney is just like this guy.
Actually, this is inaccurate. If Whitney were like Abraham, she would have been willing to kill Chad on God's say-so, and she wasn't. She was willing to die herself instead, which I guess makes her more like Jesus. (Except for the part where she had sex with her brother.) EvilMonk needs to brush up on his Bible stories.
Whatever. Don't worry -- Chad is fine. He and Whitney even had a conversation through a wall at one point, and she told him she can never see him again. He's not cool with that because their son needs his mother (and his aunt!). (Rim shot.) But Whitney disappears while he's talking to her.
3. The Three Dunceketeers.
If anyone has a better name for these three idiots, just let me know. I'm talking about Simone, Paloma, and Jessica. These three have convinced their friends and relatives that they are in Rome taking art classes, but in fact, they are on a dual mission to find Whitney and investigate a stolen-art conspiracy. The only things I know about this art plot are that Paloma first unearthed it while digging through some files belonging to Alistair Crane, and that each of the stolen paintings has a particular symbol somewhere on it. The symbol looks like this:
Also, this symbol appears in the catacombs, and on EvilMonk's special key and special knife, and it's also tattooed on Jessica's lower back. What? Yeah, I don't know either. If anyone was watching prior to this week and knows how Jessica came to have this tattoo, please fill me in. I'm guessing it has something to do with her evil pimp, Spike, who kept drugging her and possibly brainwashing her to kill her johns. So maybe Spike has something to do with this Rome storyline too?
Anyway, this week, the Three Dunceketeers managed to get themselves into trouble with a couple of sleazy Italian guys who have something to do with the art thefts. The girls almost got killed, but they managed to whack the guys over the head and escape. Now, they're safely back in their hotel room. Oh, except that a mysterious figure is lurking around menacingly in the shadows, but they don't know that yet. And it's Spike -- so I guess he is involved -- what do you know?
The Dunceketeers, back in their hotel room alone, were responsible for my favorite conversation of the week, as follows:
Simone: And all that stuff I said about horror movies, and the killer lying in wait just biding his time waiting to jump on us -- I was just being a drama queen.Jessica: Yeah? I don't know, Simone. I may have been a serial killer back when Spike had me turning tricks. And now you and Paloma are locked in here with me, and all these knives.
[waves dinner knife] [long, awkward silence] [insert sound of crickets chirping]
Paloma: That's not funny, Jess.
Jessica: Yeah, I know it's not. I'm sorry. I guess it's just my way of coping with the thought that I may really be a murderer. Damn Spike for what he did to me. Damn him straight to hell!
Keep your knife to yourself, you crazy bitch.
And finally -- on to today's show.
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Comments (20)
I was watching this show when it first started, and I think I was in junior high. I stopped after a year for obvious reasons. Yet I can come back after years of not seeing it and completely understand what is happening in the plot. It moves THAT slow. But when I do catch an episode every year or so, It's pretty hilarious stuff.
1 of 20 | Posted by tikilights
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Posted on May 21, 2006 6:08 PM
And this show has had so many actor changes for the same 3 characters, it's comedy unto itself.
2 of 20 | Posted by tikilights
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Posted on May 21, 2006 6:14 PM
Wow. A crappy show recapped by an even crappier writer. Seriously, TVGasm, don't let the standards of your recappers fall this fall.
3 of 20 | Posted by The Svan
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Posted on May 21, 2006 7:46 PM
I watched this show when it started to and used to love it (and am now enjoying that they are showing all the early episodes on SciFi) but stopped watching sometime when Theresa got pregnant because the show just got a little too insane. I cannot believe that this show is still on the air with the ridiculous plot lines described here.
4 of 20 | Posted by criscogirl
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Posted on May 21, 2006 8:54 PM
Meow. Amanda your recap is not crappy, clearly the genius(ok that's a stretch) that is Passions is not understood by everyone.
"You've been struck by a smooth criminal", hilarious. Looks like she's been using the same plastic surgeon as Vivica Fox.
5 of 20 | Posted by CSlash
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Posted on May 21, 2006 10:36 PM
Let he without talent cast the first stone...Svan you were saying?
myl
6 of 20 | Posted by Madeyoulaugh
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Posted on May 22, 2006 8:35 AM
Wow . . . maybe I need to start watching this again, if only for the cheese factor.
So are they actually on location IN Rome, or is it all fake soundstage stuff?
7 of 20 | Posted by mandymax
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Posted on May 22, 2006 8:52 AM
That was so NOT a crappy recap. The show is crappy man. But it's so bad it goes back to being good, but then unfortunatly swings back to bad again. How about a nice montage video :D
8 of 20 | Posted by GenevieveG
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Posted on May 22, 2006 10:52 AM
I loved your recap! The show IS horrible and cheesy, but somehow worth it(although I pity you for having to actually WATCH the show. I gave up watching years ago and only read the daily recaps!). Congrats on the assignment and keep up the good work!
9 of 20 | Posted by norma rae
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Posted on May 22, 2006 11:50 AM
Bring back Evil Charity and the vortex to hell.
10 of 20 | Posted by lisav
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Posted on May 22, 2006 1:50 PM
Having been a day one fan, I have so much to say about my guiltest of TV pleasures, Passions. I often don't know where to begin.
Ok, Sheridope in the pit was THE best storyline on this show. Beth is one of the greatest soap psychos ever.
The whole monk/symbol/Rome stuff is dull and pointless. I think the monk is Alistair's twin brother. I like Whitney's Sidney Bristow (Jennifer Garner - Alias) copy cat look.
Miguel should just be flat out naked. He was way too hot on that beach..good times! Siren is hysterical. I love all the fish jokes.
KH
11 of 20 | Posted by KatiesHole
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Posted on May 22, 2006 2:41 PM
Just thought I would share that my cousin is married to Emilio (Billy Hufsey) from Days of Our Lives. Hee!
12 of 20 | Posted by Laughingbabies
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Posted on May 22, 2006 3:46 PM
okay, I watched the very first episode of this show, the one with the princess Diana-Sheridan paparazzi rip off and Theresa running after the original Ethan. There was so much promise, then. Somewhere along the line they stopped being serious and went for ridiculous. I was so moved, I wrote a lengthy letter to NBC, to have the last few years, be a dream sequence. The plot is so slow, you can take months, even years off and be able to follow the story, i.e. the Theresa-Gwen tabloid story from 5 years ago, still hasn't been revealed. Don't even get me started on Rebecca's blatantly racist comment about black people and hispanics being maids and beneath her etc.
13 of 20 | Posted by nflow
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Posted on May 22, 2006 4:02 PM
Ugggg...Precious was an ORANGUTAN. She hated being called a chimp. Chris Booth is Sheridan's husband. His son is James and he's South African, not British. The monk appeared to Whitney in her convent chapel and convinced her he is actually God. Spike made Jessica get the tattoo (while she was high) and since he works for Alistair Crane, and his best ho Jessica walked out on him, he's in Rome. Noah is trying to keep Fancy in the dark about his past with Maya because if she knows too much, they'll kill her. Maya and Noah witnessed the murder of Lena the Dragon Lady's business associate and the theft of something he had in his possession. Maya and Noah are also working with the FBI to bring down Lena who they think is involved in a terrorist plot. That's why they are in Rome.
The real question is, do you watch the show or just read Soap Opera Digest? These are all major things that have been endlessly repeated. I'm gonna have to agree with The Svan just based on the lack of back story knowledge.
14 of 20 | Posted by squeegie
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Posted on May 22, 2006 5:06 PM
Thanks to those who have left encouraging comments - I'm having fun recapping the show, and I'm glad to know there are other people out there who have been sucked in by the madness that is Passions.
To squeegie - I honestly appreciate you filling in those plot points for me. Yes, I do watch the show (and have since the first episode), but before I got the recapping assignment, I wasn't watching every day. There are definitely gaps in my backstory knowledge. This will improve over time, but I hope you (and others) will feel free to chime in.
15 of 20 | Posted by Amanda
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Posted on May 22, 2006 5:42 PM
I thought amanda did a pretty good job reviewing a pretty stupid show. That doesn't mean I didn't used to watch passions myself, i started with the first episode back before i even started high school, but like other people have said it just got too slow and ridiculous. Even so, some pretty funny stuff does happen, and I think amanda did a good job, squggie stop taking passions so seriously!! Think about this for a minute, youre taking PASSIONS the lamest most illogical show on TV too seriously. Lighten up!
16 of 20 | Posted by Katella
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Posted on May 22, 2006 9:54 PM
#12, I remember when Billy Hufsey was on the '80s TV show "Fame" ... I had such a crush on him!
17 of 20 | Posted by Casey
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Posted on May 23, 2006 9:22 AM
I understand the annoyance with not having the backstories correct, but it's kind of hard considering all the backstories have their own backstories. If you tried to explain everything you'd have to go back to the beginning of the show.
18 of 20 | Posted by JerseyGirl
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Posted on May 23, 2006 1:44 PM
I used to watch this cheesy show every chance I got, but lost interest after the midget died. It's nice to see (I guess) that they're giving LOST a run for its money in the "glacial plot development" department.
19 of 20 | Posted by Ubiquitous
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Posted on May 24, 2006 5:12 AM
You know, I'm not one to argue in blogs but I'm going to agree with squeegie and the Svan. I understand that you can forget parts of backstory, I understand not watching every day but Chris Booth has been on the show nearly a year so how did you miss his name? And he's kind of front burner. I don't know TVgasm peps, I really like this show, it's a total guilty pleasure of silliness and it's disappointing that this job went to someone that hasn't seemed to watch the show for a year.
And Katella, I don't think any of us are taking this seriously, it's just disappointing given the level of quality TvGasm usually has to see a recap so filled with the phrase "I don't know how this happened and I don't know what's going on"
20 of 20 | Posted by Mollygirl
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Posted on May 24, 2006 9:40 AM