I confess that I'm hazy about what's going on here. I know for sure that Noah is still in love with Fancy, and he and Maya are faking being together, but I'm a little unclear as to why. It has something to do with this evil woman known as the "Dragon Lady," and she's blackmailing Noah into pretending to be in love with Maya, and if he doesn't comply, she's going to kill Fancy. Also, Noah is somehow working for the FBI, and that's why he's in Rome. Also, Noah and Maya really did date back before he knew Fancy, and they share some terrible secret that they often allude to but never spell out. And that's about all I can tell you.
This next scene starts out pretty funny, as Siren has her head buried in the fridge and is making a noise that Kay accurately describes as "like the Tasmanian Devil." We see (but Kay doesn't) that Siren is chowing down on raw fish, just eating it whole and tossing the picked-clean bones into the garbage. Yuck. The girls exchange some more bitchiness.
Siren goes in the other room and starts throwing herself all over Miguel. Tabitha has a little side chat with Endora about how Siren is hundreds of years old and her urges are "primal." This seems like a good spot for a picture of Endora, whom I firmly believe is the cutest kid on TV. I also really like Passions' innovation of having her "speak" to Tabitha in thought bubbles -- which, of course, Tabitha can understand, because they're both witches.
Endora.
Kay is quite rightly nauseated by Siren macking on Miguel on the living-room couch. Just then, Fox gets some bad news. His advertising client has just fired a model on the day of an expensive photo shoot, and now they have to find a new model immediately. Oh, whatever will they do?
Back in Rome, Ethan is riding Theresa a little bit about the "mixed-up" hotel reservation. She covers her ass by explaining to Ethan that she wanted him in her room because she's scared. You see, she checked her e-mail while they were on the plane, and she got this anonymous e-mail:
Meanwhile, in the restaurant, Luis can't believe that Noah is making out with Maya right in front of Fancy. Finally Noah detaches his face from Maya's, and they have a sotto voce conversation about how Noah hates hurting Fancy like this, and he's angry that he's lost the woman he loves. He's pretty mean to Maya about how she has ruined his life. Maya says that maybe once the FBI catches Lina (the Dragon Lady), Noah and Fancy can get back together. Just then, Luis comes over to Noah and starts talking tough with him about mistreating Fancy. Luis is disillusioned -- Noah is not the man he thought he was. Aw, poor Noah. How will he live without the personal approval of Luis Lopez-Fitzgerald?
Kay decides that Miguel should be the model for the photo shoot, even though the model was supposed to be a woman (the shoot is for a women's perfume). Tabby is onto Kay -- she wants Miguel to be the model because it will tie up several hours of his time and cut back on his make-out opportunities with Siren. Miguel very reluctantly agrees to do it, after some manipulating from Kay about how they can use the money to start a college fund for their daughter.
Miguel, Kay, Tabby, and Endora head on over to the beach for the photo shoot. Oh, what a fake-looking beach:
This beach is what we call a Passions special.
Just then, Fox shows up with his own idea for a fresh new model for the shoot. But before we can find out his idea, we meet the "client," Alfredo. Alfredo is, um, very flamboyant. He acts sort of like the cartoon Jon Lovitz in The Critic, but a lot gayer. This is odd because daytime soaps are pretty conservative. I'm not sure whether Passions is progressive for having a gay character who doesn't act exactly like all the straight characters (so that you can't even tell that he's gay), or whether Passions is really offensive for making the character such a crude stereotype. I mean, all this guy is lacking is a pink feather boa. He even says that he hopes his makeup won't run in the heat.
Alfredo.
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Comments (20)
I was watching this show when it first started, and I think I was in junior high. I stopped after a year for obvious reasons. Yet I can come back after years of not seeing it and completely understand what is happening in the plot. It moves THAT slow. But when I do catch an episode every year or so, It's pretty hilarious stuff.
1 of 20 | Posted by tikilights
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Posted on May 21, 2006 6:08 PM
And this show has had so many actor changes for the same 3 characters, it's comedy unto itself.
2 of 20 | Posted by tikilights
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Posted on May 21, 2006 6:14 PM
Wow. A crappy show recapped by an even crappier writer. Seriously, TVGasm, don't let the standards of your recappers fall this fall.
3 of 20 | Posted by The Svan
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Posted on May 21, 2006 7:46 PM
I watched this show when it started to and used to love it (and am now enjoying that they are showing all the early episodes on SciFi) but stopped watching sometime when Theresa got pregnant because the show just got a little too insane. I cannot believe that this show is still on the air with the ridiculous plot lines described here.
4 of 20 | Posted by criscogirl
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Posted on May 21, 2006 8:54 PM
Meow. Amanda your recap is not crappy, clearly the genius(ok that's a stretch) that is Passions is not understood by everyone.
"You've been struck by a smooth criminal", hilarious. Looks like she's been using the same plastic surgeon as Vivica Fox.
5 of 20 | Posted by CSlash
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Posted on May 21, 2006 10:36 PM
Let he without talent cast the first stone...Svan you were saying?
myl
6 of 20 | Posted by Madeyoulaugh
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Posted on May 22, 2006 8:35 AM
Wow . . . maybe I need to start watching this again, if only for the cheese factor.
So are they actually on location IN Rome, or is it all fake soundstage stuff?
7 of 20 | Posted by mandymax
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Posted on May 22, 2006 8:52 AM
That was so NOT a crappy recap. The show is crappy man. But it's so bad it goes back to being good, but then unfortunatly swings back to bad again. How about a nice montage video :D
8 of 20 | Posted by GenevieveG
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Posted on May 22, 2006 10:52 AM
I loved your recap! The show IS horrible and cheesy, but somehow worth it(although I pity you for having to actually WATCH the show. I gave up watching years ago and only read the daily recaps!). Congrats on the assignment and keep up the good work!
9 of 20 | Posted by norma rae
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Posted on May 22, 2006 11:50 AM
Bring back Evil Charity and the vortex to hell.
10 of 20 | Posted by lisav
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Posted on May 22, 2006 1:50 PM
Having been a day one fan, I have so much to say about my guiltest of TV pleasures, Passions. I often don't know where to begin.
Ok, Sheridope in the pit was THE best storyline on this show. Beth is one of the greatest soap psychos ever.
The whole monk/symbol/Rome stuff is dull and pointless. I think the monk is Alistair's twin brother. I like Whitney's Sidney Bristow (Jennifer Garner - Alias) copy cat look.
Miguel should just be flat out naked. He was way too hot on that beach..good times! Siren is hysterical. I love all the fish jokes.
KH
11 of 20 | Posted by KatiesHole
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Posted on May 22, 2006 2:41 PM
Just thought I would share that my cousin is married to Emilio (Billy Hufsey) from Days of Our Lives. Hee!
12 of 20 | Posted by Laughingbabies
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Posted on May 22, 2006 3:46 PM
okay, I watched the very first episode of this show, the one with the princess Diana-Sheridan paparazzi rip off and Theresa running after the original Ethan. There was so much promise, then. Somewhere along the line they stopped being serious and went for ridiculous. I was so moved, I wrote a lengthy letter to NBC, to have the last few years, be a dream sequence. The plot is so slow, you can take months, even years off and be able to follow the story, i.e. the Theresa-Gwen tabloid story from 5 years ago, still hasn't been revealed. Don't even get me started on Rebecca's blatantly racist comment about black people and hispanics being maids and beneath her etc.
13 of 20 | Posted by nflow
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Posted on May 22, 2006 4:02 PM
Ugggg...Precious was an ORANGUTAN. She hated being called a chimp. Chris Booth is Sheridan's husband. His son is James and he's South African, not British. The monk appeared to Whitney in her convent chapel and convinced her he is actually God. Spike made Jessica get the tattoo (while she was high) and since he works for Alistair Crane, and his best ho Jessica walked out on him, he's in Rome. Noah is trying to keep Fancy in the dark about his past with Maya because if she knows too much, they'll kill her. Maya and Noah witnessed the murder of Lena the Dragon Lady's business associate and the theft of something he had in his possession. Maya and Noah are also working with the FBI to bring down Lena who they think is involved in a terrorist plot. That's why they are in Rome.
The real question is, do you watch the show or just read Soap Opera Digest? These are all major things that have been endlessly repeated. I'm gonna have to agree with The Svan just based on the lack of back story knowledge.
14 of 20 | Posted by squeegie
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Posted on May 22, 2006 5:06 PM
Thanks to those who have left encouraging comments - I'm having fun recapping the show, and I'm glad to know there are other people out there who have been sucked in by the madness that is Passions.
To squeegie - I honestly appreciate you filling in those plot points for me. Yes, I do watch the show (and have since the first episode), but before I got the recapping assignment, I wasn't watching every day. There are definitely gaps in my backstory knowledge. This will improve over time, but I hope you (and others) will feel free to chime in.
15 of 20 | Posted by Amanda
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Posted on May 22, 2006 5:42 PM
I thought amanda did a pretty good job reviewing a pretty stupid show. That doesn't mean I didn't used to watch passions myself, i started with the first episode back before i even started high school, but like other people have said it just got too slow and ridiculous. Even so, some pretty funny stuff does happen, and I think amanda did a good job, squggie stop taking passions so seriously!! Think about this for a minute, youre taking PASSIONS the lamest most illogical show on TV too seriously. Lighten up!
16 of 20 | Posted by Katella
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Posted on May 22, 2006 9:54 PM
#12, I remember when Billy Hufsey was on the '80s TV show "Fame" ... I had such a crush on him!
17 of 20 | Posted by Casey
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Posted on May 23, 2006 9:22 AM
I understand the annoyance with not having the backstories correct, but it's kind of hard considering all the backstories have their own backstories. If you tried to explain everything you'd have to go back to the beginning of the show.
18 of 20 | Posted by JerseyGirl
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Posted on May 23, 2006 1:44 PM
I used to watch this cheesy show every chance I got, but lost interest after the midget died. It's nice to see (I guess) that they're giving LOST a run for its money in the "glacial plot development" department.
19 of 20 | Posted by Ubiquitous
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Posted on May 24, 2006 5:12 AM
You know, I'm not one to argue in blogs but I'm going to agree with squeegie and the Svan. I understand that you can forget parts of backstory, I understand not watching every day but Chris Booth has been on the show nearly a year so how did you miss his name? And he's kind of front burner. I don't know TVgasm peps, I really like this show, it's a total guilty pleasure of silliness and it's disappointing that this job went to someone that hasn't seemed to watch the show for a year.
And Katella, I don't think any of us are taking this seriously, it's just disappointing given the level of quality TvGasm usually has to see a recap so filled with the phrase "I don't know how this happened and I don't know what's going on"
20 of 20 | Posted by Mollygirl
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Posted on May 24, 2006 9:40 AM