You know how sometimes on Alias or whatever, someone will pull off their face and it turns out it was a mask and they have a totally different face underneath? Well, that’s what happened here, only it was filmed in the most low-budget way possible. First, EvilMonk started pulling at the side of his face. Then – I kid you not – he CASUALLY WALKED BEHIND A LARGE PILLAR. (I think my brother and I used this “special effect” in some movies we made when we were about nine.)
I’m sure the camera wasn’t turned off during this sequence at all.
When he came out the other side, about half of his mask was off. Then, the camera cut down to his hands, now holding his mask and fake hair. And finally, the camera cut back up to his face, now uncovered, and he was revealed to be – Alistair Crane!
Yes, that’s right. Who knows how he pulled it off, but EvilMonk is really Alistair. Not that shocking, since everyone on the show keeps saying there is only one evil genius qualified to execute this whole devious plan. I guess the coma patient in the nursing home back in Harmony is some poor schlub who’s been plastic-surgerized into Alistair’s double. (I’m giving Dr. Eve the benefit of the doubt and assuming she can tell the difference between a coma patient and, say, a styrofoam dummy.)
One thing I still don’t know is how Alistair is changing his voice when he talks to Whitney, and whomever else he talks to. His voice as EvilMonk is different enough that I am pretty sure it’s a different actor. Maybe this will be explained eventually. Or maybe it won’t. By the way, you may recognize Alistair (John Reilly) as Kelly’s dad from 90210, or as Sean Donely from General Hospital.
On Friday, Passions re-aired the big reveal of Alistair’s face. So once Alistair gets his rubber face off (again), he does some more self-talking and some more self-evil-cackling. His main theme is how stupid everyone is for not knowing that it’s him. He is so pleased with himself that he smokes a cigar, which he lights off of one of the zillions of religious candles that are around.
But oh, crap! Whitney unexpectedly comes back into the room. Alistair thinks fast and returns to his “hood covering the face” routine. Whitney is disappointed. She thinks that now that she’s seen his face once, he should keep showing it. “You earned those scars, doing God’s work,” she tells him. But he actually replies, “It’s not you, it’s me.” Then he gives her a line about how after all these years, the hood is kind of his thing. You know, it’s like his signature walk or something, and she shouldn’t cramp his style.
Don’t knock the hood until you’ve tried it.
Then Whitney wants to know what she smells. It’s his cigar, but he claims that it’s incense. Whitney finds this charming, and says that she hasn’t been to a church that uses incense in a long time. “I am … old school,” he replies.
Now, here’s what’s going on with Whitney’s mission. You see, it doesn’t involve actually GOING into the Pope’s private apartment. It involves going there … INSIDE OF A VIRTUAL-REALITY HEADSET. Here is the best Passions dialogue of the day. I swear I am not making up any part of this conversation:
EvilMonk: Oh, you found the virtual-reality headset. Good. Whitney: Yes, I did. I’m so sorry I lost the last one in the cave-in. EvilMonk: No matter. Are you ready to return to the Virtual Vatican and search for the chalice? We must find the Pope’s secret chamber. Whitney: Yes. I have prayed for strength, and I’m ready now.
Incidentally, I know I have mocked the alleged “total transformation” of Whitney’s appearance, but I have to say that her not-found-in-nature blue contacts actually freak me out.
I can see into your soul.
Back in Harmony, Gorton is gushing over Siren. Miguel allows as how Siren looks like the girl in the tattoo, but doesn’t have “a big ugly fish-tail.” Siren is offended, but keeps her mouth shut. Gorton decides to stay for the photo shoot. Siren tries to sneak a snack out of the bait bucket, but she doesn’t have time.
Luis has to go out looking for Beth, so he calls Theresa over to be Fancy’s substitute bodyguard. Yes, this is ridiculous – as Fancy herself points out, “I could take Theresa.” But Luis says there is safety in numbers. Before he leaves, he lectures Theresa about her ongoing involvement with the Crane family. He says that the Cranes are corrupt, although Sheridan and Fancy are exceptions.
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Comments (6)
Wow, I haven't watched any soap opera in years but it's amazing how much they don't change. Most of this stuff could be taken from any soap and you wouldn't know the difference. Except for the cheesy but "attractive" actors.
You know, the first thing I always do when my head gets slammed into a wall and bleeds is crawl into bed with a shirtless guy. Wouldn't want to see a doctor or go to a hospital.
The large pillar trick and the virtual reality scenes- talk about big budget production. I hope they had enough left over to pay the actors (and I use that term loosely).
Good recap, Amanda. I'm grateful you're watching this craptastic show rather than me!
1 of 6 | Posted by zevonia
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Posted on June 5, 2006 11:28 AM
I haven't watched this show since the whole Tabitha/Timmy debacle, and I have to say, it's good to see that nothing has changed. I don't know if I could actually bring myself to watch an entire episode of this crap, but I loved the recap. I might have to make this part of my weekly TvGasm routine.
2 of 6 | Posted by Pie
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Posted on June 5, 2006 11:47 AM
Remember when soaps used to actually be an industry? And they had BUDGETS? *sigh*
Love the recaps!
3 of 6 | Posted by mandymax
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Posted on June 5, 2006 1:11 PM
Most low-budget soap ever
4 of 6 | Posted by tikilights
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Posted on June 5, 2006 3:40 PM
All the fans knew Alistair was the evil monk. What a complete let down. It could of been so many other interesting characters and stories. I'm a huge fan, but this show blows now!
I'm very surprised this show got renewed another year.
I only watch this show for Beth, and making fun of the monkey faced 'actress' that plays Theresa.
KH
5 of 6 | Posted by KatiesHole
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Posted on June 5, 2006 3:53 PM
6 of 6 | Posted by Ubiquitous
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Posted on June 6, 2006 5:18 AM