TVgasm Recaps

You may have noticed that we haven't had a Desperate Housewives recap in a few weeks. That's because our intrepid writer, EdHill, threatened to shoot twelve nails into his head if he had to cover one more silly event on Wisteria Lane. Well, we like EdHill a lot and only let him plunge two nails into his cranium before we said it was okay to drop Housewives. The good news: he's on Sopranos duty now. The bad news: we still need somebody to cover Desperate Housewives. Plus, in an effort to explore the wonderful world of daytime TV, we're also looking for Passions fans. No, not because we love to say PASSION! It's because we want somebody to cover the Passions beat for us. Ideally, it would be someone who could write a daily recap, but since that is super demanding, we're also open to a weekly summary. So if you're a Desperate Housewives or Passions fan and want to take a stab at TVgasm, write a sample and send it to me at bside@tvgasm.com. Try to avoid simple plot description. If we like you, we'll let you know.

By Amanda

Welcome to my first Passions recap! I could not be more excited. I have been unofficially recapping soaps at least since the eighth grade when I got in trouble in math class for passing my friend a note containing a recap of Adrienne and Emilio "making love" in the Kiriakis stable on Days of Our Lives. (Even back then, I knew enough to be sickened by that scene.) Anyway, TVgasm is a much better venue than math class — although I can't quite claim that Passions is a much better show than, well, any show.

A note on logistics. My original plan was to just recap each Friday's show while filling in events from the rest of the week as necessary. However, on my very first attempt, that isn't going to work because my three favorite storylines did not appear at all on today's (Friday's) show. So I am going to fill you in on those three plots before jumping in and recapping Friday. Without further ado...

By Amanda

This week, Passions once again finds almost all of our characters in Rome. Well, the fake soundstage Rome, anyway. There's a carriage ride with no horse; a pair of red fur-lined handcuffs; and a fight scene in a hip club. There's plenty of stalking by plenty of psychos; some intrigue surrounding the mysterious Symbol; and an amusing turn by a drunken "former tabloid editor" who thinks that protecting his sources means hiding the stories he's already published. Oh, and there's tons of drinking. You could play the world's simplest drinking game with this show - drink when they drink! - and you'd be passed out by 2:30 p.m. On with the show.

By Amanda

Wow – plenty of action this week on Passions. EvilMonk’s identity is revealed, and the mermaid is exposed! On top of that, there are virtual-reality goggles; a coma patient being jabbed with a huge needle; another punching fight; more drinking; more fake nuns; and lots of people talking to themselves, both inside and outside of their own heads. Really, it’s all you could ever want in a TV show. Except for good acting, good writing, a plot that makes sense, and sets that don’t fall over when you breathe on them. But other than that, it’s perfect.

By Amanda

This week most of the Passions characters attended one of Rome’s ever-popular masked balls. Well, actually, it was an art-gallery opening. But for some reason, it was also a masked ball; therefore, all kinds of sinister lurking ensued. Back in Harmony, Sheridan pulled the rubber mask off of the coma patient, and Kay got confirmation that Siren is a mermaid. And in off-screen news, I found out that Passions’ budget is being cut. Yes, that’s right. Passions’ budget is going to be EVEN LOWER than it is now! I, for one, can’t wait to see that in action.

By Amanda

I am happy to report that a bunch of people got killed this week on Passions. If you would like to mourn their passing along with me, you will have to read the recap to find out who bit it. But this week’s episodes weren’t all violence and pain – there was also some spiritual uplift, in the person of one Mr. Pope Benedict XVI! That’s right, His Holiness was a character on Passions this week, and he even wore his famous red shoes. If that doesn’t inspire you to go out and live your life as a better person, I don’t know what will.

This week on Passions, Alistair finally cracks the coded inscription on the chalice, so very soon we should find out what godlike powers he now possesses. Hopefully, he'll grow to be 200 feet tall and start shooting lightning bolts out of his eyes. That's my vote; what's yours? Elsewhere, Kay practically performs a striptease on top of a washing machine, and we learn some disturbing facts about the love life of Beth's aged, incontinent mother. Perhaps best of all, Spike is still alive and still pimping, and we get to see another scene in that slammin' nightspot, Prometheus. Hey, we have to enjoy Rome while we still have it. I mean, "Rome."

Last week was one of Passions' funniest ever. The title says it all: A bunch of lesbians came to the rescue. You really don't need any more than that, but there were also two separate paternity bombshells. It was like one of those episodes of Maury: "Julian, when it comes to twenty-six-year-old Chad, you are NOT the father." Yeah, that's right - there's gonna be a whole lot less incest from now on. I think we all saw that one coming, but if you want to know the other paternity switcheroo, you will have to keep reading.

Friday's show starts with some super-gross public making out by Miguel and Kay. You see, last week, Kay got electrocuted by the washing machine, and when she woke up, she believed that she and Miguel were engaged. This is not exactly amnesia, because Kay and Miguel were never engaged or even really dating. And Kay remembers that Maria is their daughter, and how old she is and everything, so this has nothing to do with her being stuck in the past. She appears to have a medical disorder specific to Passions. It's Mistaken Fiancé Disorder (MFD).

First of all, I would like to apologize to the billions of Passions fans who have been waiting far too long for me to post this recap. I got behind when I was away on business, and then I gave priority to catching up on my So You Think You Can Dance duties. Hopefully, this won't happen again - I know a week without Passions is like a week without sunshine. In fact, I think I can feel myself developing a nasty case of rickets from the lack of vitamin D as we speak. Better get to work!

The good news is that the week I missed was only a three-day week. Passions didn't air on July 6-7 because of Wimbledon. So I'm going to recap last week, focusing on Friday as usual, while also folding in that little three-day week from before. As you will see, not all that much happened, and we won't have any trouble catching up.

Friday's show opens in Rome. I am amazed that we are still in Rome; I thought that was all wrapping up at the end of May sweeps. Instead, most of the major storylines wrapped up, but so far, Passions hasn't bothered to bring any of the characters home. I guess they're trying to get their money's worth out of those "piazza" sets. Also, they've suddenly remembered various smallish loose storyline threads having to do with Rome, and they have really surprised me by actually bothering to try to tie those up.

Passions, 7/14/06, NBC

We received enough comments (okay, like two) about last week's epic train explosion on Passions that we decided to track down the scene and post it. Not sure if it tops Colin Egglesfield's tour de force performance on All My Children, but Galen Gering's urgent calls of "Marty!" sure come close...

Gah - two weeks of Passions in one recap again. Unfortunately, everybody has now come back from Rome, and so the action has slowed way down. Don't worry, though - it's still extra dumb! We still have mermaids, amnesia, and lesbians, even if none of them is as active as we might wish. We've also added a stroke victim, a tee-ball extravaganza, and a bunch of intrepid blind people. I only wish we had an evil monk or a world-destroying chalice, but we'll have to wait for the next sweeps period for anything else like that.

We open Friday's show at Harmony Hospital, which we know from the tasteful exterior shot. The patient du jour is T.C., who, you may remember, had a self-inflicted drunk-driving wreck a couple of weeks back. Since then, Eve has been dutifully by his bedside, putting a real strain on her relationship with Julian. Still, Julian decided to be a nice guy and fly Whitney and Simone back from Rome to be with their dad. T.C. ended up having a stroke after the accident and now he talks all impaired-like.

Time for a brand spankin' new Passions recap, and it's only been a week since my last one. Now you all can finally get a sense of how little actually happens on this show when the characters aren't gallivanting around Rome. Remember, a week of Passions is five entire hours of television - yet this amount of action could probably have been crammed into twenty minutes. Here goes.

We open in completely random fashion, with Paloma standing on the dock talking to some Mexican nerd. Seriously, with his dorky parted hair and striped shirt, I almost expect him to start spouting theorems while spraying saliva and pushing his glasses up his nose. We quickly learn that his name is Roberto and he knows Paloma from, well, Mexico, where she spent most of her life. Apparently, she's been telling him how bored she is in Harmony, especially after all the excitement she lived through in Rome. I feel you, sister. Roberto has a great idea for a solution: He gets down on one knee and proposes to Paloma. He wants to take her back to Mexico. I guess she is getting a hasty write-off due to those Passions budget cuts we've heard so much about. I can't say that any storylines will suffer as a result. Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out, Paloma.

Let's check in with Passions, shall we? It's been approximately thirty years since my last recap, but I think you'll find that doings are fairly slow in Harmony. Don't worry, though - there's still plenty to mock. We'll start out with this past Friday's episode, as usual.

The show opens with Ethan having a steamy dream about Theresa. Ethan's shoulders are so grotesquely muscled that his head is practically microscopic. You know, there's been an awful lot of attention paid to steroids in sports. Has anyone ever inquired into steroid use by daytime soap actors? I'm just saying. Ethan wakes up and awkwardly tries not to tell Gwen what's got him so hot and bothered, but she figures it out pretty fast. For the last few days, Gwen has repeatedly called Ethan out on his continuing obsession with Theresa, which has become even more conspicuous now that Theresa appears to be over it. In fact, Gwen went so far as to threaten divorce if Ethan didn't make up his mind. Ethan keeps saying he's committed to Gwen.

Passions, 9/6/06, NBC

Looking for a Clipgasm? Search no further than Passions. In this death-by-hairdryer scene (or is it???) behold the magical trifecta of shlocky writing ("Now it's time for the shock of your life, Miguel"), questionable acting ("But you KILLED HIM! Oh my God, Fox! You KILLED MIGUEL!!!"), and bargain basement special effects. And let's not forget the subtle current of homoeroticism. The perfect weekend treat!

Passions!

Chad and Whitney gaze down at their no-longer-incest-born son, Miles. They fondle each other and gush about how happy they are that they can be together now. Just in case we had forgotten how disgusting this storyline was, Chad recalls that when he and Whitney thought they were brother and sister, they continued to lust after each other the whole time. Whitney says nothing will ever tear them apart now, and Chad gazes off into the distance, reminding us that he is carrying around some sort of secret.

Over at Tabitha's house, it's been pretty much non-stop action since my last recap. First of all, Kay and Tabitha succeeded in completing the spell to lift the Mermaid's Curse from Fox, so that he can be free to have sex with mortal women (Kay) again. However, there's a catch: The last part of the spell required Kay to make Fox angry enough to kill, which she did by causing him to walk in on her and Miguel making out. Fox never let on that he'd seen anything; instead, he went for a walk and talked to Julian, who is newly bitter and evil himself over his failing relationship with Eve. Julian brought out the worst in Fox, and ever since then, Fox has been hiding the fact that he saw Kay and Miguel together. He has secretly turned evil and has been plotting Miguel's murder in a variety of ways. (The hilarious clipgasm posted by B-Side is one of Fox's murder fantasies.)

Back on Friday, we brought you devastating news about the untimely demise of dearest Fancy on Passions. Well, fear not. We checked in briefly today and saw that Fancy was alive and well (just as one reader suspected all along). Apparently, her recovery involved the shedding of all clothes, but hey, that's what we tune in for, right? Welcome back to this world, Fancy Pants!