Chad and Whitney are in the catacombs with Theresa, but they're not too broken up over the loss of her phone, because they have just learned that their incestuous love is no longer incestuous. Well, that was anticlimactic. The way it happened was that J.T. found Chad's real birth certificate in Alistair's replica-Crane-library-slash-evil-hideout. Interesting. Do you think it was a replica birth certificate? Does Alistair keep the real one in the real Crane library, and then in his replica Rome Crane library, he has exact copies of all of the same documents filed in all of the exact same places? He might want to look into storing some of his files on the web so he can access them from anywhere. I'm just saying.
Anyway, J.T. found this document while Alistair was messing around with the chalice. Then J.T. somehow managed to run off with both the chalice and the birth certificate. He took off into the catacombs and a bunch of people looked for him, but Chad was the one who eventually found him. J.T. tried to bribe Chad into letting him escape by offering him the proof that he and Whitney aren't siblings and can have as much sex as they want. Chad refused the bribe, but somehow he ended up with both the document and the chalice, and J.T. ended up getting away for the zillionth time.
"I'll make you a deal. You let me keep this lovely piece of tableware, and I'll, uh, fix you up with your sister."
Chad then found Whitney in the catacombs and gave her the great news. The birth certificate says that Chad is the son of Liz and Alistair, not Eve and Julian. "But Amanda, wait," you might say. "Liz and Eve are sisters, so this just means that now Chad and Whitney are cousins. I guess that's a step in the right direction, but it's not quite good enough for all that sex they want to have."
Well, you can set your mind at ease, because somehow J.T. was also able to determine from this document that Eve and Liz are not sisters after all, but merely stepsisters. We always knew that they had different fathers, but I guess the story now is that Eve wasn't old enough to remember that when her mom married her stepdad, he came with baby Liz already in tow, so Eve grew up thinking that her mom gave birth to Liz. How convenient.
And how confusing. Isn't this several major revelations at once, all downplayed into what is at best a D plot this week? I don't get it. What did happen to Eve and Julian's son, then? Is he dead as originally believed? And if Liz had a baby by Alistair, why didn't anyone know that? Liz must have known it - what did she think happened to her baby? And why did DNA tests show that Chad was Eve and Julian's son? And isn't Eve supposed to be substantially older than Liz? Didn't she "abandon" her by moving out of the house when Eve was a teenager and Liz was little, leaving Liz to be sexually abused by their father/stepfather? Doesn't this age difference mean that Eve would remember whether her mother was ever pregnant with Liz or not?
Yes, yes, I ask too many questions. So far, everything is being explained under the rubric of "Alistair is really evil, and he likes to tell lies and keep secrets and ruin people's lives for fun." So if you have any further questions about any of this, just refer back to that answer. And get ready to enjoy Chad and Whitney's steamy relationship, and repeat after me: Nah, it's not gross that they slept together when they both THOUGHT they were siblings. It just means that they really, really love each other.
Theresa is the first person to learn Whitney and Chad's good news, as they are all still milling around in the catacombs. She's really happy for them, and they agree to help her look for J.T., again, some more.
Now comes the good part of the show. Alistair did finally unlock the power of the chalice, but it was only a few seconds after that that he lost it, so he never managed to unleash his wrath upon the world. Instead, he found himself bickering with Beth, Edna, and crazy Norma, who still thinks he is her "daddy" and still tries to axe-murder people every few minutes.
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Comments (7)
"The lesbians have turned the tide." Hahaha...BRILLIANT.
Well done as usual, Amanda.
1 of 7 | Posted by TheEmancipationofGigi
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Posted on July 5, 2006 4:44 AM
Bwah! Greatest Passions recap evah!
2 of 7 | Posted by Ubiquitous
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Posted on July 5, 2006 8:00 AM
Really funny recap! I have been reading them and not watching the show. I think I am now going to have to watch the show to get the full effect. it sounds hilarious!
3 of 7 | Posted by OD-TV
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Posted on July 5, 2006 1:56 PM
Whitney could not get her dress off fast enough when she heard that she and Chad are not related. They find out, next scene, he's pounding her. Hysterical.
In one night, Fancy has been poisoned, beat up, been in an earthquake and a rock hit her in the face. Yet, she has no bruises, and her makeup and outfit are flawless. I love daytime TV!
KH
4 of 7 | Posted by KatiesHole
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Posted on July 5, 2006 4:08 PM
The recaps are great. I never thought things could get more ridiculous than the portal to hell in Charity's closet from years back, but after seeing the lesbian fight I know I was wrong. Anybody remember the good old days when Alistair was only heard and not seen? Those were the days.
5 of 7 | Posted by BlueAspic
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Posted on July 5, 2006 9:08 PM
6 of 7 | Posted by Ubiquitous
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Posted on July 6, 2006 4:50 AM
Oh, this show is so, so bad . . .
7 of 7 | Posted by mandymax
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Posted on July 6, 2006 9:18 AM