By Amanda
This week, Passions once again finds almost all of our characters in Rome. Well, the fake soundstage Rome, anyway. There's a carriage ride with no horse; a pair of red fur-lined handcuffs; and a fight scene in a hip club. There's plenty of stalking by plenty of psychos; some intrigue surrounding the mysterious Symbol; and an amusing turn by a drunken "former tabloid editor" who thinks that protecting his sources means hiding the stories he's already published. Oh, and there's tons of drinking. You could play the world's simplest drinking game with this show - drink when they drink! - and you'd be passed out by 2:30 p.m. On with the show.
We open on Gwen and Rebecca, in a lavish bedroom at the Crane mansion. I am so happy that we are finally getting some Rebecca scenes! She is one of the funniest characters on this show. And she is pure eeeeevil, which you can tell by the fact that she is one of the few characters on TV who makes openly racist remarks. For example, earlier this week, she called Theresa a "little taco-cita."
Gwen is panicking because she has just found out that J.T. Cornell, the tabloid editor who holds her fate in his hands, is in Rome. Yes, the very same Rome that Theresa is in! Yes, that Rome. This guy is the one person on Earth who can confirm that it was Gwen and Rebecca - not Theresa - who tipped the tabloids to the fact that Ethan is a bastard, lo these many years ago.
No, not that kind of a bastard. The kind where he isn't really a Crane, because his mom, Ivy Crane, cheated on her husband Julian with her old flame, police chief Sam Bennett. This means that Ethan's blood is not blue, and he lost his fortune as a result. It doesn't seem to have slowed him down too much, since I believe he still lives in the Crane mansion, but in the world of this show, it was a Very. Big. Deal.
Rebecca is not too concerned that she and Gwen will be found out. In fact, her proposed solution is that they should booze it up and forget about it. She keeps pushing Gwen to just have a martini. What an awesome mom.
"Have a [green] martini, dear."
This brings me to one of my favorite things about soaps: In nearly every bedroom, and nearly every living room, there is a full liquor setup out on a table in full view. No, not a regular bar - we never see any actual liquor bottles, or even wine bottles. Instead, there are fancy crystal decanters full of booze in every room, and whenever people are even a tiny bit stressed, they go over and pour themselves a stiff drink - without needing to leave the room. And almost all of the characters do this! Yes, you tend to see it more with the rich people, and more with the bad guys - but plenty of middle-class good guys do it too. It is just such a hilariously retro lifestyle message. I'm surprised they don't also have big ashtrays full of cigarette butts in every room of the house.
Now, the key to this J.T. Cornell storyline is something we just recently learned - namely, that Rebecca once had an affair with J.T. Cornell. This isn't too surprising, since Rebecca has always rapaciously attacked any male within a fifty-foot radius. Oh, and she always makes them dress up in costumes and use props, too. However, this particular affair has been conveniently retrofitted into the plot - I don't think it was part of the storyline back when Ethan's paternity was actually uncovered.
Gwen wants her mom to call up her old pal J.T. and make sure that he stays away from Theresa. Which provides us with a convenient segue to ... Rome.
In last week's comments, somebody asked whether Passions was really shooting in Rome. To that I say: HAHAHAHAHA. I am not laughing at the person who asked the question, because if you haven't been watching, it's a very good question. I am old enough to remember the glory days of the '80s, when Days shot huge, over-the-top storylines in Greece, Sweden, and England. What a great time to be a soap actor.
No, I'm laughing because if you turn on Passions, you'll see that they have reduced their set budget to approximately $7.95 per quarter. It is so bad that the audience can't be trusted to even notice that we're in Rome. Instead, before every Rome scene, we get an establishing shot, like this:
ROME - FILE FOOTAGE
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Comments (8)
The wife of the actor who plays Ethan just had twins so they granted him a fatherhood vacation of a few weeks ...
Always come to Dorian for idiotic soap trivia ;-)
1 of 8 | Posted by doriangz
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Posted on May 29, 2006 1:37 PM
I don't know why, but I watched Friday's episode.
Luis's punch was the most bizarre scene.
And why are the streets of Rome so deserted? the 3 girls can ride a stupid horse carriage (that never moved, by the way) and it's dead enough on the streets for a greasy pimp to grab Jess and not be seen. WTF
2 of 8 | Posted by tikilights
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Posted on May 29, 2006 4:49 PM
I watched the first few episodes of Passions when SciFi started showing them. The carnival was so completely different than present-day Passions. The actors were actually outdoors (natural sunlight!) and there were dozens of extras milling about.
This whole jaunt to Rome just shows how far the ratings (and therefore the budget) of the show have plummeted.
It's nice to get some new scenery (I mean, the Crane "mansion" has like four rooms) but they could definitely use a bit more life.
3 of 8 | Posted by veggio
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Posted on May 29, 2006 7:14 PM
McRib... Ribwich... HA HA HA! LOVE IT! I don't watch Passions much anymore (work gets in the way...crap) but ohmygod, like, I totally remember all the characters. Thanks for keeping my passion alive. ;)
4 of 8 | Posted by GirafficPark
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Posted on May 29, 2006 9:13 PM
Hee hee - the glory "Days" of the '80s (I remember Lawrence Alamain, too!) was why asked if they were really in Rome! I loved when they actually shot on location. Ah, back when soaps were . . . well, I was going to say "good," but . . .
And why the hell would there have even BEEN a photographer in what's-their-names' bedroom to TAKE that freakin' picture to begin with????
I really may have to start watching this. It's so cheesy it's addicting.
5 of 8 | Posted by mandymax
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Posted on May 30, 2006 5:51 AM
What is this?!? A mexicanized American soap-opera. Man, I gotta watch this train wreck.
6 of 8 | Posted by milostea
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Posted on May 30, 2006 1:30 PM
I'm a total novice to the Passions wacky universe but thanks to your 2 posts I already feel confident enough to laugh along like a pro. I'm not a soap fan but I've seen the promos for Passions through the years and I've always wanted to watch it because it looked so deliciously ludicrous. I can't watch it during the day and recording it was never an option because I'd have to look myself in the mirror and admit I just made an effort to see Passions. That's just unacceptable, so your recaps provide the perfect escape clause.
The thing I like most about the show is that it's clear the creators have just given up on any semblance of believability or quality. The know it's crap, we know it's crap. The show is now firmly nestled in the realm of so-bad-it's-good. Now that I'm caught up I may just have to bite the bullet and start recording it. If the show is even half as awful as the promos and the recaps make it out to be then it is a definite contender for best comedy of TV, a title currently held by Family Guy.
The recaps are hilarious. You're doing a great job on them, thanks for the guffaws.
7 of 8 | Posted by bdos88
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Posted on May 31, 2006 3:57 PM
You know, I LOVE the new Julian but I do miss all of his and Rebecca's crazy sexual escapades. Of course, the one with Rebecca and the donkey was a little creepy, made creepier by the fact they still make reference to her visiting the donkey now and then. They need a new boyfriend for Rebecca just so she can dress up and seduce someone again. I dare say it was comedy gold. TC Russel seems to love crazy women these days, I'd love to see Rage-aholic Coach Russel and Rebecca the slut go at it!
8 of 8 | Posted by squeegie
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Posted on June 1, 2006 9:09 AM