Behold the amazing Pinhead!

Gwen's (the actress's) pregnancy bump is tastefully covered by a sheet, while the show continues to capitalize on her newfound cleavage. She presses Ethan some more on his feelings for Theresa, and he defends himself by pointing out that he has just agreed to represent Julian in a custody suit against Theresa over Little Ethan. Yes, he has, and this is really a dick move, if you ask me. I mean, Ethan and Theresa are supposed to be friends, and no one knows better than Ethan what a terrible father Julian is. Yet for some reason, Ethan has agreed to take this custody case on principle. Contrivance much?

The convenient storyline effect is that Theresa is between a rock and a hard place when it comes to Little Ethan's paternity. She can neutralize Julian's custody suit by revealing he isn't the father, but Ethan's sudden hard-line fathers'-rights stance just keeps on reminding Theresa that she might be worse off with Ethan revealed as the true dad. Of course, Ethan's new position makes no sense, because if he were so darn concerned about the rights of biological parents, he wouldn't have let Gwen take Jane away from Theresa.

Cut to Theresa, in her business suit talking on the phone in her office. She tells someone that she wants hourly updates on her mother's condition. Yeah, actually, something did happen on this show recently: Spike blackmailed Chris into helping him get past security into the Crane Mansion so he could break in and steal a bunch of stuff. Pilar surprised him in the act, and he shot her. For a brief moment everyone thought she was dead, but she's not; she's in the hospital and conscious. She doesn't seem to know who shot her, though.

What is this woman's job again? Magician's assistant?

Spike has also blackmailed Chris into giving him an alibi - he has to say that he saw him at the fair, which is where everybody in Harmony was while the break-in was happening. Oh, and we found out that not only is Chris a sleaze who was hired by Alistair to pretend to be in love with Sheridan (which we basically already knew), but also, James isn't Chris's real son. He's a random orphan. I guess the idea is that Chris pretended to be James's dad to get in good with Sheridan, and if Spike reveals this, Chris will lose Sheridan FOR-EVAH. Which he doesn't want to have happen, because he's in love with her now for real.

Jared walks into Theresa's office. He knows that she's "Mrs. Crane" now. He was really furious when he first found out, but she rehabilitated her image with the one-two punch of (1) voluntarily taking pies in the face at the fair to show how "down-to-earth" she is, and (2) conveniently having her mother get shot and almost die, thereby garnering a huge sympathy vote. So Jared and Theresa are happily dating now, although he's told her that he doesn't think he can ever get serious with anyone so fabulously wealthy. Right now, she's trying to get him to come and work for her as an "executive." Jared weasels around about how he doesn't want her to hire him just because they're dating, but she blah-blahs about how he's eminently qualified. Yeah, this sounds like it should be great for their budding relationship.