They are going to select their "favorite student" with their "bingo marker". Oh, boo, Mystery. You totally missed your opp to say "dauber". I never get enough opportunities to say that one. So we see that (28 year old) Virgin gets a daub, one for Simeon. Clearly they're not going to win. They'd never give the secret away that easily. This show is ALL about mystery and secrets!
All the guys think they have a good chance of winning, but Mystery tells us that the victory was a landslide. It has to be MXC Brian, right? Wrong. Lauren Hutton. Of course those old birds are gonna fall for tales of riverboat gamblin'. He totally pandered and had Bubbe practice. Not impressed.
He steps forward and accepts his victory with a gracious "thank you" barely containing his excitement that he is now on his way to create his own beaded jewelry collection with Mystery. Next weeks reward...scrapbooking with Matador.
Back at the Pad, Mystery and the gang arrive to teach the first lesson. Time to take notes for their first field test: Approach and open a set.
Requisite eye-boning shot.
Mystery goes over the nuances between a direct and indirect set, basically pointing out that if you directly compliment a girl she will think you are lame. So true! A friend of a friend messaged me on Myspace last week and said I was "dangerously sexy" and he wouldn't be able "to say no to me". How do you think that went for him? Nothing makes me respect a man like his inability to say no. I promptly LOL-ed and emailed our mutual friend to mock him. Don't do it boys. But eel free to leave comments on my blog telling me how hot I am. I do need constant validation from strangers about my physical appearance.
Okay, aside over. Mystery says to do the indirect approach, trotting out the poor, beaten horse that is the "Did you see the fight outside?" line (Seriously, dude. END IT.) and the age old question, "Who lies more, men or women?" Oh, that's easy...Men! Women don't lie, we just tell adorable stories!
The boys are lapping this up. "These are great stories that make women think!" Simeon cries. So true! Women heart thinking! Way to clock in at 2008, Osama Bin Sexy.
Yes, it's all about masking that your hitting on them. These are the secrets to the universe. At this point Mystery is just trying to get them to reach a "hook point" which is the point at which the girls actually want them there, instead of barely tolerating their presence. Once that happens, the boys have to invent a "false time constraint" or an "FTC" to be needlessly technical. This is where the man bases the relationship on a LIE. It all starts with that first lie and then it's all downhill from there. And please. We know dudes come to stand-up bars to drink from plastic cups so they can try and get poontang. Y'all ain't got nowhere to be.
He ushers the wings around and I think we're gonna get a fun skit but this is all they give us and then they cut to something else.
Tara gets bitch slapped by Mystery and then welcomed into Matador's crotch. Damn you, Vh1! Show us where this is going!
Instead we listen to Mystery tell them they have to go upstairs and practice their openers because tonight is going to be another huge, embarrassing failure AKA the "field test". Kidding. They're gonna do awesome.
Oh, but wait! Before we end this scene, Mystery reminds us that the winner wins a secret accessory and he dangles it in front him mysteriously. He won't get to learn about it until later.
This is a sack. And then it drops. Someday you'll learn aaaaall about it, boys.
(Btw, wtf is on Matador's head that vaguely resembles hair? Is it made one of those fantastical spray-on thingies?)
So now the boys break into groups and practice on each other. Tara talks about how she wants someone to come up that's "super fun" and "excited". Super fun and excited? Yeah, I know what that means. Basically, she wants men that have cocaine on them. She should clarify because now (28 year old) Virgin and Radio Shack Karl are gonna come up acting overly hyped up, but not able to back it up. Girls HATE that.
Did someone say 8-ball?
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Comments (7)
OMG best recap ever! I was laughing the whole time, you really captured every ridiculous comment and moment haha!
Good call with the whole Tara being a coke-whore thing! Maybe thats why they moved the show to PHX so her and the 'dor can go on border runs between shoots??? Maybe they'll just move the show to Columbia next year and cut out the middle man!
1 of 7 | Posted by sammy64 | Posted on October 24, 2008 5:55 PM
*colombia...
:o
2 of 7 | Posted by sammy64 | Posted on October 24, 2008 5:57 PM
No, please Ms. Sensation, I don't care if the recap is late, this recap was so damn perfect and I would RUE a sub. You make me feel *this* much less guilty about watching this show.
3 of 7 | Posted by Tigermilk | Posted on October 24, 2008 11:09 PM
this recap was hilarious. so much better than the actual show.
4 of 7 | Posted by dangerdarling | Posted on October 26, 2008 8:01 PM
Wow, I can't believe a show like this exists...
Have to say, the show gives me the creeps though. It's just hard for me to live through these clowns, and that's all I really look for in a reality show.
I mean, on the one hand, I really feel for these guys, because I was never able to walk into a club and pick up (stupid drunk) girls. On the other hand, I never needed to, since life has been generous enough to me, charisma-wise at least. Uh-huh.
Of course, maybe it's because I used to dress like a pirate too. I suppose that's the real secret.
Luckily, there's Lady S to guide us through this experience!
5 of 7 | Posted by itchy | Posted on October 27, 2008 8:02 AM
Funny! (MUCH funnier than the election!)
6 of 7 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on October 27, 2008 11:54 AM
okay, is it just me or does it look like mystery is running free, i.e. sans underwear, so it looks like he is running a partial boner in those jeans. like just the beginning of one. or the end.
love the recaps.
7 of 7 | Posted by pamelamn | Posted on October 28, 2008 4:27 PM