Feels so right when we hug real tight.
EEEeeeeeEEE! That's me making dolphin noises I'm so excited that it's that time again. Pick-up Artist time! Since I last spoke with you all I went to my hometown of Atlanta, unsuccessfully stalked the Housewives and lined up a party this weekend with Mystery and cast. It's been a busy week in reality and it's good to be back in the field.
Lightening bolts flash across a dark Arizona sky as the boys make ominous predictions over who will go home. Lauren Hutton says it's Todd going. And alas he's right. No more pearly white smile. The Ringer, proving his prophecy true, reenters the barracks and the man-hugging begins again!
MXC Brian is especially bummed and pouts alone that Todd is gone since they had a special ass hair connection, but them's the breaks. Sports metaphors are once again passed around like a joint and the boys brace themselves for a new day.
And today brings a road trip to sunny Scottsdale! They roll on down to a posh Scottsdale resort and Mystery thanks them for coming as always. That's kind of you, Mys. Like they have a choice. It's nice to act like it's a free country and all, but we all know Mysteryland is one textbook dictatorship.
Nobody dogpiles until I say it's time to dogpile.
Now it's time to get to one of my favorite lines of Pick Up Artist Liturgy, which is "Demonstrations of Higher Value". Which simply put means, a bitch don't want no scrub. (Unless he comes with a hat that can do the actual scrubbing. See above.)
Apparently a few of the guys can't wrap their chumpy heads around this, so we're gonna have to do a Value-based challenge. Maybe next week we'll get to the Dignity-based challenge but probably not. SO. The two key components of demonstrating value are verbal and nonverbal. Today will be about the verb kind, since we can only watch them body rock so much. And they're at this resort to attend a women's charity auction where they will sell themselves as being individuals of incredibly high value and one of them is going to be the PRIZE.
(28 year old) Virgin is not into being a piece of meat, which I think we've picked up on, by his making it almost three decades with nary a soul sullying his nubile flesh.
Mystery don't care there though if they're up there as white or dark meat. They're gonna be meat. And they better get the highest bid if they wanna win Tara! (Beat.) In the field. Oh Mystery. You rascal! They can't win her for good?
I'm thrilled either way.
They'll have the advantage of having a girl on their arm as they walk into the club, and this will give them an edge because there's nothing a girl loves more than someone else's man. Actually, it's in line with what my mom taught me growing up which is the principle of generating "buyer excitement" about yourself. Yes, I was raised in a household where I learned to appraise myself like I was a valuable commodity for men to consume. Whatever. It works.
So now these boys are about to put dollar amounts to themselves and they practice their speeches that will get them the highest bid. Lauren Hutton launches into an oratory in the lobby practicing his "DHV spikes". He hopes it's an auction for old ladies. He's can whip up buyer excitement with the AARP set like nobody's business.
And I was just on that riverboat playing Bingo till 11pm like there was no tomorrow.
He starts thinking that a story about the Dean of his college sending him to a wine-and-cheese program in Tuscany will demonstrate higher calibre. This just demonstrates the calibre of the institution of higher learning that he attended. What accredited university sends kids to study cheese? Unless you went to Le Cordon Bleu, there's no excuse.
Simeon has a story about loving people in third world countries. Gay.
The Virgin wants to announce that he's a board member of a theatre troupe. Double Gay.
MXC Brian tells about how he's won Sinkers and Floaters at least eight times. Actually he talks about...Tijuana. And tacos. Same difference.
The boys are all nervous, but they shouldn't be. Any of the women could be their moms.
Am I here for that Mark Philippoussis show?
Oh, and don't mind these lovely ladies who lunch in the back. I've always heard that lunching ladies love their hats.
Going head-to-head (literally) with NeNe and her Charity Hat Luncheon this week.
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Comments (5)
This was the first thing I saw when I got home from class, and when I could see the recap was seven pages long, I peed a little. Seriously.
DHV spikes, medallions, negging, attraction gambit...so dungeons and dragons and so damn nerdy. Loved the recap. From Mystery's secret dictatorship, that Matador caption, "Know your place, frosh," c'est parfait.
1 of 5 | Posted by Tigermilk | Posted on November 13, 2008 1:52 PM
NooooooOOoOOoOOoooo! Not Brian with an I! I heart him so much! *sniff* He will be missed.
How does theatre boy keep hanging in? Let's face it, he is never going to be able to do this unless the editors have been leading us down a false path all season. That loser has stayed while others with potential have been let go. I'm sick of his sniveling, but I guess with the love-fest (sausage fest?) going on, he is the closest thing they have to drama.
2 of 5 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on November 13, 2008 2:33 PM
Simian is obviously channeling Mystery...the stupid hat, the nasty bit of dead mouse under his lip (next week I guarantee he'll have some ugly fake jewel piercing in there too), and now the fingernail polish...can't believe that shit works.
3 of 5 | Posted by itchy | Posted on November 13, 2008 3:22 PM
Great recap. I was sorry to see Brian leave.
I don't see the overall growth I remember from last season. Still not seeing any of these guys becoming an "artist" (unless by artist you mean someone who paints clown faces at kids' parties).
Mystery's goofy costumes almost say - if I dress like this, and act this confident, I MUST be good in bed... or rich... or both.
4 of 5 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on November 13, 2008 10:35 PM
fire@will: Well, the point of the show is to get laid, not necessarily be good at it. With these guys, I doubt we should jump the gun. Plus, it would be a different show if it was about the art of pleasing a woman... although that would be a good reality show, I'm thinking hosted by Sue Johanson from that sex show on Oxygen... LOL, now I've peed a little!
Speaking of my little made up show, it reminds me of that Friends ep, where Monica & Rachel were teaching Chandler to make Janice orgasm (?) and they numbered the zones and we learned, basically, Monica likes to be plowed... funny shit...
5 of 5 | Posted by slutty_whore | Posted on November 14, 2008 9:01 AM