Let's just rename this show now: Dick Up Artist, anyone?
This was the freeze frame we settled on to leave on the TV after the Pick Up Artist viewing party last Sunday, which means it's no longer debatable: This is the gayest hour on television, people. Look at this love, this satisfaction. It's a moving spectacle. But at least for now, they're still pretending to hit on girls and care about it, so we're here for yet another delightful week of kino escalation and IOIs. Let's get started.
Place your bets, everyone. It's the fireside guess-who's-coming-back-to-the-circle-jerk chat post-rune ceremony. The boys admit that it could be (28 year old) Virgin coming back as he has been underestimated this whole time and has really been coming on what his all his pimp gear and theater talk. Force to be reckoned with and whatnot.
The Ringer hopes it is Virgin because he doesn't talk about pickle juice like MXC Brian does. Hear, hear. Actually he uses the word "improvement" to describe the difference, but same thing. And...enter Virgin stage left. And they might as well play a funeral dirge for how somber these events are.
Let his memory be a testimony to the toxic effects of pickle juice consumption.
Virgin intuitively knew it would come down to him and MXC Brian. The clown versus the actor. It's like a metaphor for life or something. Anyway. Osama Bin Sexy thinks that now that that MXC Brian and his clown antics are gone the tone will be more serious. This is the FINAL FOUR after all. No more time for orange tan comments and salami make out sessions. Actually I think the salami make out sessions are still going on.
Anymanho, it's time for today's challenge which will be going down at the Sunflower Farmers' Market! Aw, yeah. Day Game. And Mystery is dressed accordingly for some morning grocery shopping.
The classic walk of shame outfit for the World of Warcraft set.
A true pick up artist can attract women anywhere, he insists. Even while buying hemorrhoid cream. Okay he doesn't say that, but I'd like to see someone pull that off. There's a whole list of items that you could purchase at a store that I bet could never get you tail. I'll send Mystery my notes. Anyway, while they've been learning things that can be applied to day game, day game is an equally nuanced Art Form, one that is a course of study at your local école des beaux arts.
All this talk of "different skill set" blah blah blah really means "just try extra hard not to seem like creepy douche, capiche?" At night time you can get really close to girls, neg harder and banter fast and quick. Day Game you have to water that shit down. Frighteningly, these boys are going to have to act casual, like a regular person. Where does that fit into your avatar-waging, D&D underworld, Mystery? How can you throw them this curveball? This acting like yourself horseshit defeats the purpose.
We learn that Tara and Matador did a hostile takeover of poor, unsuspecting Sunflower Farms and set up a surveillance room so the gang can watch them harass the shoppers. And ideally snag some digits, too. Let's get started.
Lauren Hutton's up first leading with what he affectionately refers to as his "tremendous approach anxiety". This should go well. He opens a set of Luna-purchasers with, "As a man, will eating a Luna bar hurt me?"
Here. Take twelve.
Actually he says that he'll have two and the girl actually likes his bold Luna style. She hovers for a minute waiting for him to take it to the next masculine level now that he's amped up on Luna bars, but he can't get enough of those tasty, low sugar treats. She moves on, while Lauren Hutton studies the label for information on caloric content. Well played. If the goal was to wolf Luna Bars.
So we watch him peruse the produce aisle and Matador exclaims, "He's actually shopping!" He's so surprised and his delivery so earnest, it's a genuinely funny moment. Score one for the 'Dor.
And behold:
Freudian shop.
The easy listening muzak plays on as Lauren Hutton casually tosses a onion in his hand. "There's an eight set of asparagus!" jokes Mystery. Tara tries to riff off that and it kind of sucks. And he knows that he froze and spent more time eyeing produce than ladies. "How many times can you look at the same cucumber?" demands Matt. The jokes write themselves.
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Comments (8)
It isn't difficult to find a lot of homo-erotic symbolism this season (I'm getting the same vibe about UFC). I don't think these last four guys are gay, though. It is just the underlying dread of women that made them prime candidates for this show in the first place. They huddle together out of fear.
It was nice to see them all have some level of success - finally. Mystery sent the right guy home.
Who ultimately wins depends on the nature of the tests. Overall, I give a slight edge to the one you call Ringer.
Hutton freezes up too much when on his own, and Cowboy has to have the right kind of target (how many vapid bikini model tests can there be?).
Thanks for the recap!
1 of 8 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on November 22, 2008 11:08 AM
Oh I dunno...I really liked seeing naked Simeon with Lauren Hutton's boa around his neck, both wearing the same calm, satisfied smiles.
2 of 8 | Posted by itchy | Posted on November 22, 2008 2:10 PM
IS...great recap!
I was thinking EXACTLY what you wrote at several instances:
"The Ringer confesses that he's never kissed a girl within a few minutes of meeting. Well, cleeeearly you haven't had enough booze then." --> NO SH!T! Ever been to a wedding reception? Or a college party? AND DRINKS ARE FREE THERE...
Virgin has a willing 3-some, and "...Finally he leaves and kisses the girls on...the hand. I'm ready to send this ball-dropper home right here and now." --> My thoughts as I read that? "Oh HAYALL no! OUT!" Ball-dropper, waste of space...it did just occur to me though, that if he were a TRUE playa, he might have just hooked that up for another time, off camera. OK I can dream, can’t I?
..."girls will give out their number just to escape the situation." --> I'm dying to know if those numbers were real, because a smart girl with give a fake number. And I've had guy friends do the same. And oh yeah for telemarketers too, don't we? But getting busted on it sux….
AND THE REASON I HAD TO POST: "I wish I could recall from all of my drunky days what got me to make out with a dude and I'd like to think it was something way better. But probably not." --> I was thinking the exact same thing. Damn, IS, I like you! Sounds like we coulda done a righteous “ho stroll” back in the day.
Speaking of… in which Standard are you working on these recaps for "us"?
You go, ho! ;-)
Thanks for the hilarious recaps. Keep up the great work.
3 of 8 | Posted by Chips.N.Whips | Posted on November 22, 2008 2:36 PM
hey guys! thanks for the saturday afternoon comments. i just got in from boozing it up at a girly girl clothing swap, so i'm totally in the mood to show y'all some IOIs and kino escalate.
fire@will: i definitely think that these boys are straight. the fact that they so unabashedly embrace each other every episode shows their fear. a confident man is not so quick to enter into the hearty man hug. and if they were gay they would have had better style from the get-go.
itchy: i would like to see it every week, too. it looked way more natural than any interaction with a female.
chips.n.whips: oh, girl. it's nice to know someone reading was also formerly a member of the order of fake numbers and random makeouts.
as for box girl duties, i'm at the hollywood standard on sunset blvd. i always tell my friends to come and see me, but we can't "break the fourth wall", so i can't wave. i am just a zoo animal writing recaps from my glass cage, not a performance artist doing sexy things. though i'm sure me typing away is tremendously sexy.
xoxoIS
4 of 8 | Posted by theinternetsensation | Posted on November 22, 2008 3:14 PM
IS, another fab recap, but I wish you'd quit harping on your penchant for late recaps. We know you don't get paid for this and the result (not to mention 7 pages!) is always worth the wait. Flip should get major credit for pairing the right person with the right show.
This show became super-gay last season too. These guys really get to liking each other, it's touching, but..it's pretty damn gay. Mystery even shed a tear at a medallion ceremony last year!
And I'm sorry, the 'dor, he invented the quiver. What I'm saying is...he makes me quiver. He looks like a bulging chick, but, JC, I will say no more.
5 of 8 | Posted by Tigermilk | Posted on November 22, 2008 11:01 PM
*sigh* I just don't feel the love anymore now that Brian is gone. He was the best thing about this show. Ok ok, I know that he really wasn't progressing. But he was so adorable and funny! And he had an afro. Afros are awesome. Um... except when they are on 50 year old red headed dudes with pornstaches. Then, not so much. Anyway, miss you, Brian!! Call me.
The guys left are just so douche-y. Ok, maybe... MAYBE... Ringer is slightly less than the others. Maybe. Simeon is probably my favorite to win only because he looks sleezy/faux rockstar enough to fit in with Mystery and gang. Lauren Hutton is just annoying as hell. I'm glad the virgin is finally gone. He did learn and get better, I must say, but I feel that some of the guys that went home instead of him might have progressed further. Like that guy, whasshisname, who had the nice smile.
6 of 8 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on November 24, 2008 1:51 AM
What do you expect from a show hosted by a fop?
7 of 8 | Posted by ubiquitous | Posted on November 25, 2008 6:40 AM
Thanks for a great re-cap! Mystery's choice of clothing is so odd, it makes one wonder how he became a "master pickup artist". Sorry, no amount of kino or negs would work on me with him!!
8 of 8 | Posted by momoya | Posted on November 25, 2008 10:27 AM