Up next is Virgin. The gang thinks that he'll be more comfortable here and sure enough, he is friendly and conversational at the chocolate fountain, and he opens a set, then opens an adjacent one. He brilliantly asks the girls what the moisturizer smells like, because who doesn't love the ol "smell my hand" routine. It's always something good when you hear those words.
Then he asks to see the girl's hands and her friend asks if he's going to do patty-cake. "No, no," he assures her, building her up for something more profound. Instead he does a dance move I think I saw in Dirty Dancing, where they touch palms and move them in a wide circle. She's confused, too.
That's funny. Some guy asked me about a quote from Dirty Dancing just two aisles ago.
His excuse for this hand-to-hand dork out is that she reminded him of someone he used to do theater. Ah, the theater talk. Let's see if these girls like actors any better. You know, the mirror game! he insists. And she complies with the kino escalation and he gets the number. Virgin attributes this to the fact he feels more comfortable in his day-to-day routine. I attribute it the fact that girls will give out their number just to escape the situation.
And now for Simeon. Still in that GD cowboy hat. (Thank god he ditched it for the viewing party or I would have smacked it off him.) And while standing in front of the greens, choosing between butter lettuce and arugula, he asks a girl three times in a row if she thinks Mick Jagger is sexy. She stares at him blankly the first two times, so it makes sense he just keeps repeating it like a broken toy.
"Let's see where this goes!" crows Mystery, which means he shares my sentiments that sometimes a girl just wants to get her baby spinach without factoring in an decrepit rock star's physical appearance. She turns to face him while he natters on, but he never takes his eyes off the leafy green department. As Tara puts it, "He looks like a crazy man talking to vegetables."
I want the this cabbage's opinion. Not yours, carrot top.
So he doesn't even notice when she completely walks off. Mostly because she wasn't exactly sure who he was addressing. It's not a proud moment.
Moving on to the chocolate fountain, he angles for a girl wearing an "I like boys" shirt. Sometimes it helps to have an easy target. He already has the XY thing working in his favor, so maybe now he'll speak directly to her.
And this girl really does like boys. She asks if she should lick the chocolate flirty-like, but Simeon just comments on the fruit, unable to spike any DHV whatsoever. But he senses she's interested so he just immediately asks if she wants to come to a pool party. She's all brah, we haven't even exchanged names.
Well your shirt doesn't specify that you wanted a boy with a name, now does it? Simeon nails his coffin with an aggressive, "So, what is it?" Girls respond well to that. She gives him her number, proving again my theory that the number is deployed as a escape.
Please don't touch me.
And then he kisses he on the cheek. The gang explodes in horror.
It is quite possible Simeon displayed no value whatsoever, but he proudly claims that he did none of the routine, all kino, punctuated by over-the-top energy..and he still got it! But Mystery is still not impressed, which if he hasn't noticed, is the real goal here.
Last is the Ringer. He wanders through a little unsure of what to do and gets all up into the Luna display like Lauren Hutton did. He stares at a girl until she leaves and then attempts to open her as she walks away. Also painful. He engages her about uninteresting chit chat and she stumbles away as quickly as possible.
So he tries the "would you date a guy named Herman" opener, which lands him a convo, but REALLY PEOPLE, would you have this type of conversation with anyone at the grocery store? If anyone even so much as tries to interrupt me as I beeline for the hot bar at Whole Foods for mac & cheese, I will bean them with a coconut water.
It makes things worse that he's chewing the Luna bar with his mouth open. And he continues to hover until the camera mercifully cuts to the next scene.
But you should be embarrassed about the way you chew. And approach women.
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Comments (8)
It isn't difficult to find a lot of homo-erotic symbolism this season (I'm getting the same vibe about UFC). I don't think these last four guys are gay, though. It is just the underlying dread of women that made them prime candidates for this show in the first place. They huddle together out of fear.
It was nice to see them all have some level of success - finally. Mystery sent the right guy home.
Who ultimately wins depends on the nature of the tests. Overall, I give a slight edge to the one you call Ringer.
Hutton freezes up too much when on his own, and Cowboy has to have the right kind of target (how many vapid bikini model tests can there be?).
Thanks for the recap!
1 of 8 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on November 22, 2008 11:08 AM
Oh I dunno...I really liked seeing naked Simeon with Lauren Hutton's boa around his neck, both wearing the same calm, satisfied smiles.
2 of 8 | Posted by itchy | Posted on November 22, 2008 2:10 PM
IS...great recap!
I was thinking EXACTLY what you wrote at several instances:
"The Ringer confesses that he's never kissed a girl within a few minutes of meeting. Well, cleeeearly you haven't had enough booze then." --> NO SH!T! Ever been to a wedding reception? Or a college party? AND DRINKS ARE FREE THERE...
Virgin has a willing 3-some, and "...Finally he leaves and kisses the girls on...the hand. I'm ready to send this ball-dropper home right here and now." --> My thoughts as I read that? "Oh HAYALL no! OUT!" Ball-dropper, waste of space...it did just occur to me though, that if he were a TRUE playa, he might have just hooked that up for another time, off camera. OK I can dream, can’t I?
..."girls will give out their number just to escape the situation." --> I'm dying to know if those numbers were real, because a smart girl with give a fake number. And I've had guy friends do the same. And oh yeah for telemarketers too, don't we? But getting busted on it sux….
AND THE REASON I HAD TO POST: "I wish I could recall from all of my drunky days what got me to make out with a dude and I'd like to think it was something way better. But probably not." --> I was thinking the exact same thing. Damn, IS, I like you! Sounds like we coulda done a righteous “ho stroll” back in the day.
Speaking of… in which Standard are you working on these recaps for "us"?
You go, ho! ;-)
Thanks for the hilarious recaps. Keep up the great work.
3 of 8 | Posted by Chips.N.Whips | Posted on November 22, 2008 2:36 PM
hey guys! thanks for the saturday afternoon comments. i just got in from boozing it up at a girly girl clothing swap, so i'm totally in the mood to show y'all some IOIs and kino escalate.
fire@will: i definitely think that these boys are straight. the fact that they so unabashedly embrace each other every episode shows their fear. a confident man is not so quick to enter into the hearty man hug. and if they were gay they would have had better style from the get-go.
itchy: i would like to see it every week, too. it looked way more natural than any interaction with a female.
chips.n.whips: oh, girl. it's nice to know someone reading was also formerly a member of the order of fake numbers and random makeouts.
as for box girl duties, i'm at the hollywood standard on sunset blvd. i always tell my friends to come and see me, but we can't "break the fourth wall", so i can't wave. i am just a zoo animal writing recaps from my glass cage, not a performance artist doing sexy things. though i'm sure me typing away is tremendously sexy.
xoxoIS
4 of 8 | Posted by theinternetsensation | Posted on November 22, 2008 3:14 PM
IS, another fab recap, but I wish you'd quit harping on your penchant for late recaps. We know you don't get paid for this and the result (not to mention 7 pages!) is always worth the wait. Flip should get major credit for pairing the right person with the right show.
This show became super-gay last season too. These guys really get to liking each other, it's touching, but..it's pretty damn gay. Mystery even shed a tear at a medallion ceremony last year!
And I'm sorry, the 'dor, he invented the quiver. What I'm saying is...he makes me quiver. He looks like a bulging chick, but, JC, I will say no more.
5 of 8 | Posted by Tigermilk | Posted on November 22, 2008 11:01 PM
*sigh* I just don't feel the love anymore now that Brian is gone. He was the best thing about this show. Ok ok, I know that he really wasn't progressing. But he was so adorable and funny! And he had an afro. Afros are awesome. Um... except when they are on 50 year old red headed dudes with pornstaches. Then, not so much. Anyway, miss you, Brian!! Call me.
The guys left are just so douche-y. Ok, maybe... MAYBE... Ringer is slightly less than the others. Maybe. Simeon is probably my favorite to win only because he looks sleezy/faux rockstar enough to fit in with Mystery and gang. Lauren Hutton is just annoying as hell. I'm glad the virgin is finally gone. He did learn and get better, I must say, but I feel that some of the guys that went home instead of him might have progressed further. Like that guy, whasshisname, who had the nice smile.
6 of 8 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on November 24, 2008 1:51 AM
What do you expect from a show hosted by a fop?
7 of 8 | Posted by ubiquitous | Posted on November 25, 2008 6:40 AM
Thanks for a great re-cap! Mystery's choice of clothing is so odd, it makes one wonder how he became a "master pickup artist". Sorry, no amount of kino or negs would work on me with him!!
8 of 8 | Posted by momoya | Posted on November 25, 2008 10:27 AM